InsaneJournal

Johanna slumped down on the couch, letting her phone fall from her hand onto the floor. She dramatically threw herself onto the other end of the couch, laying out flat. Blindly, she groped for the throw blanket and pulled it around herself. She was the one who often started their fights, and now she insulted and hurt Murphy. She laid looking up at the ceiling, waiting for the sound of Murphy coming down the stairs. He said he’d sleep on the couch with her. He said he’d hold her. She just hoped he didn’t want to talk.

The couch would be big enough for both of them, if they spooned. It was the kind of couch that swallowed you up when you sat on it. She spent a lot of time on it napping, since she didn’t sleep much at night.

She thought of what she would say to him. Just saying ‘you’re not boring’ wouldn’t be enough. Johanna just didn’t like that she made him uncomfortable. She hated that his life before this place made him have some pretty strong beliefs. Her life before here did the same, making her scared of water. His worries about being rough with her while they had sex were the same as her hydrophobia, wasn’t it? Exactly, fuck you Johanna.

She was considering that when she heard his footfalls on the stairs. Johanna quickly pulled the blanket up over her shoulder (which meant it uncovered her bare feet) and turned to face the back of the couch. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe slowly. Maybe he’d just lay down next to her and fall asleep.

It took Murphy a little while to come down. A lot of things were eating him up from the inside. It felt like the same old tune was playing again from his past. He felt inadequate and just wanted to shut himself out on the top floor. He started off in their bedroom, now it felt more like hers. The bathroom felt like hers too. Everything he touched was hers and he didn’t feel like he belonged her.

There was that little big of courage in him, just enough to walk down the stairs. Slowly and one at a time, his hand skimming across the wooden railing with each taken step. She hadn't said anything yet and Murphy didn’t have any words for her just yet and maybe not for a really long while.

One he padded across the living room, he sat himself on the arm of the couch nearest to him. Loosely, his arms folded across his chest. Murphy didn’t look at her, seeing her only through the corners of his eyes. He was looking ahead, the wall was blank where he stared. Blank just like how he felt inside, blank like the expression on his face.

She could trace him walking through the house and then felt the weight of him move the couch arm. Johanna still didn’t want to talk to him (because she felt if she talked to him, she’d make it worse) but she did gently stir in her sleep, sighing and tucking her chin against her chest.

Why was it that every time they fought, it was the end of the world? Why were they so intense with each other? Were they just a bad combination? You were supposed to be with someone who complimented your personality. Whenever they fought, she thought about what she always thought about: Finnick and Annie. It had to be a contest. It had to be held to that standard.

They were both so stubborn when they fought. Johanna would say something slightly rude and Murphy would retaliate. She wondered why the other girl left Murphy. She wondered what happened there.

Murphy knew that Johanna wasn’t actually asleep, she had done this a few times before that he just knew by now. Avoidance, that’s what she was doing. It wasn’t like he was any better, sitting closed off from her and the world around him. He was beginning to think coming down here was a waste of his time, a waste of her time.

Just a total waste of time.

He slipped down from the high spot on the couch and sank down into the couch. If Johanna didn’t move her legs then he’d be sitting on her feet. “You’re not sleeping, Johanna.”

She thought this could maybe be one of those situations where they just pretend nothing happened. Nothing happened, let’s just get naked, or go to sleep, or changing the subject. Their fights always diffused almost as quickly as they appeared. Sometimes they actually solved something, but for the most part, things just went away.

Johanna pulled her legs up so he could sit, pulling her legs up. She pressed her feet against his thigh. She dug her toes into his skin.

“What’s up, Johnny bear?” Flippant, confident. She kept her eyes closed, trying to sell the whole sleeping thing even while she spoke.

“You should sleep on the bed.” Murphy matched her flippant tone. “So I can go to sleep on the couch tonight.” He didn’t want to talk about anything and it was mostly because he was scared to do so. It would be like hearing the same thing over. The past did have a cruel way of repeating itself and now it was sneaking up again.

He licked his lower lip to wet it, teeth pulling it into his mouth to nibble on it quietly.

“I claimed the couch first,” she tossed out. Normally she wouldn’t do it, feeling that doing nothing at all was better than feeling rejection. She let her feet go lax and rest in his lap. He spoke first, she’d at least try to touch first.

“I was trying to be nice since the bed is yours anyway.” Murphy rolled his eyes.

Johanna was really sick of the stupid games they played. “You’re not boring, Murphy! And I’m not bored. I was just trying to make you feel bad because I’m an incredible asshole.” Pretending like they didn’t want to talk to each other was stupid and she didn’t want to do it anymore. She just wanted to be honest.

“Then why the hell did you act like I was? Why do have to make me feel bad? Because I don’t want to choke you? What a real good reason to make someone feel like shit, Johanna.” Murphy felt himself clenching his jaw, the tension going right up the sides of his face.

She quickly pulled her feet out of his lap and sat up, cross legged on the cushion close to his. “Because I’m an unrepentant asshole, Murphy! I’m a bitch. I’m horrible. I don’t know why it’s taken you so long to figure it out. I hurt people. I’ve been trying to pretend like we’re so in love and it’s okay but I’m still an asshole.”

Even still, her eyes became glassy and she dropped her head down into her hands.

“You’ve been pretending to be in love?” Murphy shot up from the couch as if it were on fire. “You are a fucking asshole. A heartless asshole.” The ground beneath him felt like it was giving way and his mind was quickly spinning.

“Thanks for tell me this now.” It was harder to breathe now, but Murphy wasn’t making a great attempt at breathing. Everything just felt so tight. He was walking back towards the staircase, knuckles going white as he clenched the wooden handrail.

“No!” She stood up just as fast as he did. Johanna wanted to, but did not touch him. “You misunderstood what I said. I haven’t been pretending to be in love. I just meant…” Now it was hard to remember what she said, let alone explain it. She was going blank, and he was walking away.

“Pretend that.. Being in love makes it o-okay!” Johanna sputtered out. She followed him to the staircase, and reached out for his elbow. “Murphy wait, please.”

Murphy felt her fingers at his elbow and for a quick second her want to yank his arm away. He couldn’t, he couldn’t bring himself. And he hated himself for being so god damn weak. “I can’t do this again, Johanna.”

He turned around and her hand fell away from his elbow. “I don’t want to feel like I’m less than, that I’m boring you. I can’t do it. So if you feel like I’m not fulfilling what you need and want tell me right now.”

Her shoulders slumped and she looked down like a guilty dog. When he said ‘again’ it broke her heart a little bit. She didn’t want to be Emori. She wanted to be better than Emori. She was starting to get obsessed with the idea.

“I just … don’t feel all that appreciated, I guess.” She was being awfully selfish at that moment and she could sort of feel how she was, but not completely. He won’t do one thing for her and everything get thrown off track. Everything he did for her, the showers, throwing out the morphling, all of it. She was suddenly blind to it.

“How?” He dropped down, sitting down on one of the steps because Murphy just didn’t want to stand up anymore. “What did I do, what did I say to make you feel not appreciated. I help you around the house. I got a job so you wouldn’t be the only one paying for things. I’m looking for another job. I take showers with you because I know you’re still scared. I help you try to go to sleep at night.” Murphy knew he sounded desperate, desperate to make himself feel like he wasn’t useless. He was doing things and he just wanted to be acknowledged for them, but Johanna wasn’t seeing any of it.

And that made his heart hurt.

“Tell what I’m not doing, Johanna.” Please.

“You do, you do all that stuff, and I’m thankful, Murphy. You’re not just taking up space in this house. You know it’s your house too, right?” Johanna sat on the same step as him, squeezing beside him. “It’s not something you’re not doing. I don’t know, maybe I’m just broken.” She reached out for his hand and tried to lace her fingers with his. “Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like any of this stuff is ours. It’s all mine. You act sometimes like you’re just visiting. Like you don’t belong here. Makes me feel like you think I don’t love you.”

As long as he wasn’t jerking himself away from her, she laid her head on his shoulder. Why was she ruining something good? Because she could?

They were smooshed on the same step, Murphy made no attempt to stand up and let her fingers slide between his own. It was nice even if everything else wasn’t nice at the moment. “Stop saying you’re broken, it’s a poor excuse,” He muttered and thought about pulling his hand away just then. “Sometimes I don’t feel like I belong here.” He agreed. “Like right now. You say things that make me feel like you’re tired of being in love with me. Like being in love is boring.”

“We’ve gone a long way in a short time. I’m not saying it’s boring, but it got serious really quickly. You’re living with me, you mentioned being married to me.” Her shoulders jerked in a tiny shrug. “Maybe it’s hard to look forward to anything because I don’t think it’s gonna come.” Johanna clasped his fingers. “What do I do? What have I been doing, I’ll stop it.”

“It was stupid,” Murphy muttered. “I’m not thinking about marriage, let alone being married to anyone. Nothing has to be serious. I can live somewhere else. We don’t have to see each other every day.” His head softly thudded when he rested it against the wall. It’s his turn to shrug and he does. His is more lazily, apathetic. “Something to not make this feel too serious.”

“No. We don’t want that. You obviously don’t and I’m pretty attached to you, dummy.” Johanna always had a way of trying to sound like she was somehow smarter than the other person. That she already had it figured out. In reality, she had no idea what anyone was doing.

“You’re just so fucking intense. One minute we’re just being domestic and quiet and the next we’re acting like we want to kill each other.” She let out a huff. “And it’s not like being domestic is bad. I just never thought anyone would put up with me this much.” Then she mumbled, “It’s not like marriage is bad…”

“Don’t put this all on me. You’re not the calmest person either. And you say shit to hurt me and then try and take it back when I’m mad at you. That’s fucking immature.” This was all just so confusing. Murphy really didn’t know what Johanna wanted in a relationship. She was always saying things and taking it back. She spoke in a god damn circle all the time and it was making Murphy dizzy. “Tell me what you want, Johanna.”

She pulled her hand back, increasingly faster as she pulled it to her body. “I don’t want to talk about this.” She wanted to keep on planning things day to day with Murphy. She wanted to stop counting the months they were together.

“This is productive.”

She really didn’t know what she wanted. She always wanted to be loved, but she never really considered how to love someone. “I do, I say shit to hurt you. I shouldn’t. All I should do is be praising you. You’re good, Murphy. I’m trying to find something wrong with this and I can’t.”

“I’m not asking for god damn praises.” Why were they talking again? Because it didn’t seem like anything was getting resolves. He stood up from the step and made his way back to the couch. “Well, you got to sleep in bed and maybe, I don’t know, think about what you want.”

Murphy crumpled himself onto the couch once he was close enough and yanked the blanket over him. “I’m going to sleep.”

“I want you,” she said quietly. She didn’t want him to go to sleep, he was right, it was productive. “I want you, Murphy,” she said with her voice raised this time.

“I’m going to sleep,” Murphy stubbornly repeated.

“I’m disappointed there are certain things you don’t do in bed. But you have a good reason and I should just let it go. It’s not important. Okay? That’s one thing down. What else did we have to talk about?” She had to raise her voice a bit to reach the living room, so she shouted. Johanna had no plans on getting up from the step. She’d just holler at him the whole night, until he got into bed with her.

Murphy pulled the blanket over his head as though it were enough to block out her voice. Surprise it didn’t and it kept going louder and louder the more he kept pretending to ignore her. “The whole I’m boring because I don’t want to fucking choke you. I think that’s another thing you should talk about,” he said, nearly shouting back at her.

Johanna stood up from the stairs and stomped over to the living room, where she stopped in front of the couch. “I just said I’m disappointed but I’m letting it go. You’re not boring.” She took a few steps forward and began to climb onto the couch, putting her knees near his and climbing all over him. She draped herself over him crookedly. “Please, Bean.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? That you’re disappointed in me,” Murphy muttered, trying to ignore the fact she’s crawling on top of him. “Get off, Johanna.” But he made no attempt to push her off him.

She kept moving over him, knowing full well he didn’t want her on him and she was probably crossing a line. Johanna laid her head on his, “I’m being horrible to you, why aren’t you walking away?”

“Because I’m an idiot who loves you.” He pulled the blanket off of his face so he could look at Johanna. “Because you haven’t told me to fucking leave. I don’t know. I’m just not walking away.”

She sighed and sat up, pushing on him as she went and Murphy grunted. She ended up perching on the arm of the couch, her feet resting near his. “I’m not disappointed in you. I’m the one who can’t let you be gentle with me. I’m the messed up one, Murphy.” Johanna slouched, “I mean, I like it when you’re gentle but I just want things to hurt a little bit, sometimes. It’s what I’m used to.”

“I’m not always gentle on you. I just don’t choke you. There’s a difference.”

Johanna pulled her lips into her mouth, imitating a muppet. “Hey, I got something I need to tell you.”

“What,” Murphy sighed, pulling himself by his elbows. He was looking at her now with partial disinterest. What was she going to say? Something about his manhood? Maybe his performance all around was just alright. “Say it, Johanna.”

“Remember how I told you that I slept with like… eight people?” She curled up on the couch’s arm, wrapping her arms around her middle and leaning forward. “It’s more like… twenty eight ...ish.”

Johanna wanted to curl into a ball and hide from him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to think I was a slut or something. Or that you weren’t special. You are special.”

“Good for you, Johanna.” Murphy didn’t know what exactly she wanted him to do with the information. To twist the knife? He was sitting up, pulling his legs away from her. The flats of his feet pressing against the cold floor. “Go to sleep, Johanna.” Murphy used the pads of his palms for press into his eyes, trying to rub the tired out of them.

“You’re just going to be mad at me? And sad? Even though I’m telling you it’s okay and I’m sorry? Why do you have to be so stubborn and stupid? It’s like you want to hurt.” She crab walked down from her spot on the arm and sat next to him.

“It doesn’t really sound like you’re saying anything is okay. You just keep trying to convince me you’re such a shitty person and wondering why I’m still sticking around.”

She still slouched and folded her arms across her stomach. “Is that it, Murphy? You want to be alone? I already admitted I’m the bad guy. Is this you accepting that I’m a shitty person and just going about your business?”

Murphy gave her a sidelong look. “I don’t want to be alone.” A silence fell between them because Murphy had grown quiet. He didn’t really know what else to say or what was going to happen tonight. “This always happens with us.” He pointed out, but it wasn’t like this was surprising news.

She didn’t like him pointing that out. Johanna ducked her head and took a staggered breath. “I love you unconditionally,” she told the floor. “But I destroy things.” She didn’t know what else to say. Murphy was the one that was burnt from a previous relationship, and yet he seemed to have a better handle on how to have a healthy relationship. He only ever got aggressive when Johanna goaded him.

“You need to get over that. You wear it like a badge of honor. This whole ‘I love you, but I’m a shitty person’. Get over it.” Murphy was in that sort of mood where he didn’t shy away from his words. He wanted them to bite because he wanted it to sink into her thick skull.

“We’re still getting to know each other,” she offered meekly.

“Yeah and? What does that even mean, Johanna? Of course we’re still getting to know each other. It’s not like we figured everything out in the few months we’ve been dating.”

“Do you like the person you’re getting to know? Stubborn, needs too much attention, revels in being a shitty person?” She reached up and brushed some curls out of her eyes, rocking a little bit as she tucked her arm back against her stomach. She was small but she felt like she was taking up all the room.

“I do most for the most part.” Murphy went quiet for a moment, pressing his tongue to the roof of his mouth.

“What do I do? Just tell me. I’ll do it.” Johanna leaned forward and looked at his face, trying to catch his eyes.

He was shifting around, turning at the waist so he could actually look at her and because she was trying to look at him so Murphy wanted to make the effort too. “I don’t know. We still suck at talking things out before shit gets to this point. I don’t know how to do that. We both need to be on the same page and we’re not. I want to be on the same page.”

He turned to look at her and her forehead relaxed, no longer wrinkled and brows knitted. She felt nervous to have his eyes on her. “Then what page are you on, I’ll get on it. I don’t like doing this.” She wanted to argue that she at least knew she was treating him wrong, so that she should get some recognition there… but that was a very crap defense.

“I love you, Johanna,” Murphy said. His voice growing a little softer, the sharp edges dulling over. “And I’m sorry I feel weird about choking you. I’m not saying not for no reason. I don’t expect you to know, but just understand why I don’t want to do that to you.”

“It’s not about choking me,” she said through gritted teeth. “I just wasn’t happy there was something we both didn’t want. Not because I wanted it, but because we didn’t both want it. I thought we were in sync.”

Johanna gnawed her lip for a quick moment, “Wait, what do you mean for the most part?”

Murphy just wanted to hold her, he missed being closer to her. It felt like ages since they last got tangled in each other. “Every part of you that’s not you trying to be a shitty person.”

“I don’t want to get soft. I guess I don’t care if it’s not a surprise when I start a fight with you.” She leaned against the back of the couch, arms still hugging her middle. “I don’t want to get soft but I want to possess every part of you. Does that make any sense? Is that normal?”

“What the hell does that mean? Get soft? What’s so bad about being soft? What scares you about being soft?” She had this strange obsession and Murphy didn’t understand it or what to do with it. It’s not like he could take that away from her like he did with the morphling. This wasn’t tangible, this was something much deeper.

“The Capitol used my family against me. I had to act like I didn’t care when they killed them. Then I kept everyone away from me so they couldn’t hurt me again.” Johanna looked up at the ceiling instead of at Murphy. “I don’t want that to happen again, I don’t want to have to pretend I’m okay. The portal could take you, or something could attack us like those soldiers and if you got hurt, I’d be a sucker-ass bitch because I love you.” Even though she was stating her obvious secrets, she still had a smug look on her face.

He heard this story before, they were always worded a little different each time, the premise was the same. Murphy sucked in a breath through his nose and quickly pushing right back out. “Making yourself this angry person all the time is only going to make things a lot harder on you. There’s going to be more of this.” And he lazily motioned between them. “I don’t know about you but this is getting old.”

“My fears are legitimate. I’m afraid someone’s going to use you against me. I’m afraid you’re going to get hurt because of me. And I’ve been angry for a long time now, it’s been working out for me just fine. And you’re one to talk.” But when he said it was getting old, she closed her eyes and licked her teeth. “So my options are to change or lose you, is that what you’re saying?” Johanna threw her hands up from their resting spot on her stomach, “You just don’t want me to be angry anymore? That’s not always easy with the way you behave.”

“I have the same exact fears. I still don’t do things to purposely get under you skin or feel any sort of way that’s not good.” Murphy really wasn’t too sure how right he was about it, but it felt like there was a high percent chance that he’s been a different person than he was four months ago.

He wanted to think he was a little better at this point. Maybe he was wrong.

“Yeah. I’m angry, most of the time it’s not at you,” Murphy corrected her. “You act like you need to change your entire self. I just want you to not make me feel like you’re trying to convey a message that isn’t really there.”

“Just say what you mean, Murphy. Do you think I’m manipulative? Controlling? Can’t take a joke? C’mon, what makes me a bitch?” She jutted her chin out at him. Johanna knew she was hard on him a lot. She knew she jumped at him whenever he fucked up in the least bit. Johanna’s heart sank when she realized he wouldn’t put up with that for long enough. Or even sadder, he’d put up with it anyway.

“I don’t know to tell you what makes you you, you already know that so stop asking stupid questions. This is you, right here, trying to start a fight. I’m not gonna take the bait.”

“I can’t predict how I’m gonna respond to some things. But … I’ll stop trying to make you feel bad. I shouldn’t want to make you feel bad. I just get jealous and sad when it’s not all about me. There’s two people I know who are in love and one would do anything for the other. It’s not realistic and I don’t see the other side of it.” She pulled her lip into her mouth and bit down, waiting for him.

“You sure as hell can predict how you’re going to respond to things. We have choices on how to react, how we take things. And I don’t get this jealous thing? Are you jealous of Annie and Finnick?” Murphy had wanted to say that he would do anything for her, but stopped himself. He wouldn’t choke her if she had asked. That’s one thing he wouldn’t do for her. “I’d do anything to keep you from getting hurt,” is what Murphy said instead.

Her brow knitted and her lips went downwards. “Yes, I’m jealous of Finnick and Annie.” She thought for so long that’s what she wanted, someone to protect her and keep her safe. Keep her calm and rooted and make her better again. But she was starting to realize that’s not how it worked. She’d have to do all that on her own. Murphy would just be along for the ride. “If you mean safe by not choking me, I’m past that now. You can stop bringing it up.” She looked at her fingernails, a little bit of grime under each one. How would she get Murphy to shower with her now that she’s pissed him off and hurt him?

He felt this teeth clench together, jaw tensing at the pressure. “I wasn’t trying to make it sound like I was suggesting that. I just meant in general. I’d do anything to keep you safe.”

“Remember how I said I didn’t know if I loved Katniss? Because I felt obsessed with her? Sometimes I worry…” She trailed off, realizing how bad that would sound. “You know I love you, right?”

It was always one step forward three steps back with the both of them. Murphy groaned, tipping his head back. “Sometimes you’re worried about what Johanna.”

She watched him dip his head backwards and frowned. “Is this conversation an inconvenience to you?” Johanna quickly grabbed the arm of the couch and pulled herself to sit up straight. “Sometimes I worry I don’t know what love is. I loved my family, but apparently not enough to do anything for them. I loved Katniss, but I gave that up the moment I came to your apartment.”

Murphy tilted his head a little, casting a sidelong look in her direction. “Technically. This conversation is an inconvenience for the both of us.”

She leaned on the arm of the couch, putting one elbow up and leaning on it. Johanna twisted a little to face him. “But I know I’ve never felt like this about anyone, so it’s got to be real.”

Murphy’s bottom jaw shifted from side to side to release some of the tension. “Love is not something you can explain to someone. It is what it is.” He frowned when she had leaned away from him. She felt so far away. “Love isn’t this one thing. You can’t compare us to them. That’s not fair. I’m not Finnick. I won’t ever be him. I don’t expect you to be Annie. I don’t want to be in love with her, I want it to you be. It’s always going to be you, Johanna.”

Johanna pulled her knees up and leaned her head on them. “It was just always what I saw when I saw love. Or Katniss and Gale. I was always jealous of her. I never thought about myself loving anything. Do you believe that I love you? What am I doing wrong? We fight so much.” She curled her arms around her head and hid her face.

“Katniss and Gale,” He scoffed. “I am sure they are the most dull couple I’ve seen.” Murphy leaned in her direction, arm reaching out to touch her arm. “Hey.” Fingers gently drummed along her arm. “I believe you. We’re both doing stuff wrong. Are we always supposed to know what the hell the right thing to do is? Trying counts for something, right?”

When he touched her, her head snapped up to look at him. Her eyes were red-rimmed and glassy. “Almost doesn’t count.” She sniffled and then immediately went to wrap her arms around him, colliding with the arm reached out to her. Murphy opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but he suddenly was wrapped up in her arms.

Johanna pulled herself to him on the couch, her legs already tucked up onto the cushion and Murphy tucked her head beneath his chin. “It’s not this hard for other people. Was it this hard with … Emori?”

His cheek pressed on the top of her head, face getting swallowed up in her curls. Murphy went silent for a moment, blue eyes staring blankly at the fireplace. Things always seemed to trail back to Emori. He wanted that connection to be severed. Murphy didn’t want to think about her and how she left him. “Emori doesn’t matter.”

“Right. We’re different people. Just like how Finnick and Annie don’t matter, nothing to compare ourselves to.” She kept pulling herself closer to him until her rear was parked up against his thigh and her legs in his lap.

“I don’t want to be like them either,” Murphy murmured into her mess of curls, pressing his lips there for a moment.

“I just asked because you’ve done this before. This is the first time anyone’s dared to get this close to me.” Johanna clung to him. “And it’s not boring. Anything we do.”

Murphy had his arms protectively around her, holding her as close to him as her legs would let him. “We’re the least boring, right?”

“Even when we do things boring-like, it’s still good.” Johanna moved her head a little so that her lips would touch his neck when she said those words. “Because it’s with you. And I like you. I’ve liked you forever.”

Johanna felt incredibly cheesy but she also felt incredibly grateful for Murphy to put up with her behavior. She wish her brain worked right so she could know what to do-- it wasn’t a good excuse but it was all she had.

His smile went lopsided, stupid and goofy. Murphy liked it when she said those stupid little things. Those are what really mattered. They were corny, cheesy, but it made Murphy’s heart trip over itself.

“Well,” Murphy hummed softly. “You drive me crazy, but I’m glad it’s you and not anyone else. And, yeah, I like you too. Like you a lot. Kind of think I love you,” he teased.

“Don’t stay with me if I’m mean to you. Just because you love me.” She pressed her forehead to his warm neck and pulled her arms from around him to rest up against his chest. She wanted him to take care of himself. Even if it meant she had to lose him. Maybe it was a guilty conscious.

“Stop telling me what to do, woman,” Murphy teased, bouncing her with his legs.

“I’ve just been alone for a long time, even when I had a family. Even with my friends, I still feel alone. I just don’t know if I can figure out how not to be like that. Shit, okay, that sounds like bullshit, like I’m trying to get you to feel sorry for me.” The house’s central air was blowing hard, that artificial, crisp cold. Even though Johanna liked it, she still curled closer into him.

“I’ve been alone for awhile. My family broke apart when my dad died. I didn’t have a mother then either.” Murphy cleared his throat to redirect his thoughts. It’s not a competition on who was alone the longest, he wasn’t trying to make it one. He just wanted to let her know that he understood that feeling, trying to adjust from being alone, adjusting to someone loving you when you hadn’t felt that in a really long while.

“I don’t feel sorry for you,” he says lightly, not a shred of malice in his voice. “Eh, maybe a little.” Quickly, Murphy pressed a kiss to her temple.

“Shut up,” she said with both mirth and shame in her voice. Johanna smacked her arm against his chest, knuckles rapping his collarbone. “I don’t feel sorry for you, either. I just want you to know that. I don’t think you’re crazy or horrible or anything. I’m just an asshole. You’re not a bad person.” I am. “Do you know what a phantom limb is?” She was going somewhere with this, I assure you.

“Do you like bruising me or what,” he asked, but it was one of those rhetorical questions. Murphy knew the answer already. “I’m just joking,” he added.

She laid her head against the couch and watched him. She really wanted to kiss him and take him to bed, but maybe it was good to explore things.

“Phantom limb?” What an odd thing to ask about, Murphy thought. He took the bait, wanted to see where this would lead him. “Like, what, a ghost limb?” His brow quirked, curious as to what Johanna was going to say.

“Yeah, like someone who’s had a limb removed and they can still feel it.” She got quiet and looked down at his shoulder. “I-- it’s like, I feel you’re like that to me. It hurts when you’re not around.” She then ducked her head down to nuzzle against his shoulder. “That sounds dumb and poetic but it really aches to not be with you.” Maybe there was a generous amount of dependency in the relationship, but it wasn’t exactly an addiction. She could quit if she wanted to.

“By the way, if I wanted to bruise you, I could do it in different ways.” Her voice wasn’t menacing, perhaps a little teasing. Hopefully he wouldn’t bring it back to the Too Rough Sex.

Murphy was quiet, letting himself ruminate on what she had just said. A second later and he nodded in head in understanding. “I get it, I think. I know what you’re trying to say anyway.” He rocked back a little, taking her with him.

“I like it when you give me bruises,” He murmured softly into her curls.

“Just tell me it sounds stupid and move on.” She rolled her eyes and dipped backwards in his arms to lay back against the arm. Johanna stretched out on the couch, her legs no longer curled but pointed out onto the next cushion. “

“Fine,” Murphy sighed, giving in to her. “It’s stupid. Move on. Shut up, Johanna.”

“You’re so weird, you know that? You’re so weird. You’re so weird for me.” Even while reclining, she reached out and poked him with either finger on each hand, poke poke poke. “I make you weird.”

“I was weird before I met you,” Murphy rumbled softly. “When I was on the Ark, I spent six months living like Gollum. Alone on one side of the ship. Bellamy always came over and I always tried to punch him for it.”

“Sounds like he gave a shit about you, Johnny-bear.”

Murphy was still holding her while he spoke, nuzzling his face onto the crook of her neck. It was his home, it had been home for a few months now. The smell of her was comforting, her soft skin on his lips, her warmth.

“You make me feels things I didn’t think I ever would again.”

Johanna moved from her stretched out position to climb up into his lap, straddling him. She laid her head on his shoulder. She inhaled and exhaled deeply, trying not to be disappointed at the word ‘again’ on his lips. “You make me feel things I didn’t think I’d ever feel. This is all new to me. I’ve never been loved back. I haven’t really loved anyone before.”

She brushed her hair out of her face, hand then moving to grip his shoulder. “I need you now. So I guess we fucked up, didn’t we?” Johanna moved to sit up straight and press her forehead to his. “When are you going to kiss me?”

Murphy liked it when they were this close. He had his arms around her, linked at the wrists just above her ass. An airy chuckle escaped his throat, leaning back to get a look at her face. You’re beautiful, Murphy thought to himself. Instead of saying it, his head tilted subtly and close the space between them to press his lips against hers for that kiss she had asked for just moments ago.

Johanna made a small, happy sound when their lips met. Her hands came up to cradle his jaw. She wondered why they couldn’t be like this all the time. There was more to a relationship than just being physically close, but they seemed to do a lot better when they were physical. Johanna had another thought, that they did have a lot in common: the self preservation, the self hatred, the prickly demeanor. She pulled away from the kiss but continued to hold him and bump her nose against his.

He stayed still for a moment. Eyes closed, lips still puckered, faintly. “Mmm,” Murphy rumbled in his throat. By the time he opened his eyes, a smirk sat crooked on his face. The tip of his nose brushed along hers, from one side over to the other.

“I need you, too.” Their lips were still close, so Johanna could feel the warmth of his breath when he spoke. “Let’s just be fucked up together,” he murmurs, his lips are so close that she can feel them brush along hers when he speaks.

Before Johanna could speak, Murphy caught her lips onto his. This is the kiss he leans into, hands moving down to cup her ass.

They were probably really bad for each other, but Johanna felt good. She’d gladly be fucked up alongside him. Someone to make mistakes with, someone who wouldn’t judge you when you screwed up because they’ve done the same thing.

Johanna made that sound again, and her hands moved from his jaw to the back of his head, tangling in his hair. He leaned against her and she tilted back ever so slightly, resting her rear in his hands. She pushed back, pressing his shoulders against the couch. Her lips parted from his, but not by much. “So this means we’re okay?” She was out of breath and whispered the words.

She kept her fingers curled around each shoulder and put pressure on him.

Murphy let himself fall back onto the couch, head comfortably resting onto an arm of the couch. “Yeah,” he drawled. “This means we’re okay.” Quickly pressing his smirk on the corner of her mouth. He moved his hands along the sides of her body, slipping under the hem of her shirt. Fingers brushed along her skin, until he wedged them under the strap of her bra.