ethan/victor
Have I told you of my other creations? I [...] you met one. Proteus. He was rather shortly after killed by the first. Caliban. Caliban requested someone to spend his life with. Another creature. I tried to keep him off, to keep him from getting what he wanted because the cost to me felt more than I was capable of living with, but I found some things are easier to live with than others. It is not something that has surprised me regarding myself. I abandoned Caliban early in his rebirth because his visage so frightened me, that I could see him as nothing more than a monster. I made him what he was in that first act toward him. Everything that came to pass was, in the end, my own fault and I have quite a lot of blood on my hands because of it. Indirectly, but it's as good as if I had killed them myself.
Caliban told me that if I refused to make him a companion, he would slowly kill everyone that [...] he knew where Miss Ives lived. He killed Dr. Van Helsing. Right in front of me. The same would have been done to yourself, to Miss Ives, to Sir Malcolm, to all of you. It is not an excuse, of course. I could have mentioned it, could have reached out for help, could have explained myself, but I did not. I felt I could not. Your friend was like a light in the darkness that was my life. She was a chance. She was dying, so [...] I hastened it along. She wished for the part at least, but for what came after, I doubt she ever would have wished and I cannot blame her.
So yes, I did bring her back and I kept it from you. I did not honour her death, did not honour her body. Perhaps not even her wishes. I don't know how or why exactly, but I developed feelings for her. Ones I do not have here. Just the knowledge of them. I am sorry for what I did to her, for what it did to you. She is not the woman you knew and it is all my fault. Everything that she has done after her revival is mine to bear just as everything Caliban has done. Perhaps death was the best for Proteus in the end. I do not know what manner of monster he might have become had he survived.
As for my actions, I am an addict. I do not believe I viewed it as such before, but I have used every vein in my body I could possibly use to survive the pain of who I am and what I have done. It has been more than a year since I stopped. I know who I was in the memory upgrades and I know where I was. I had nearly killed myself in the Witch's house because of their trickery. I might have killed myself anyway afterwards. I do not tell you that to gain your sympathy, but rather to explain where his mind was in those moments. Both wishing for death and life but uncertain which I deserved. To live, was to suffer, but after what had been done, it is possible that suffering was what I deserved.
I am not him, but I apologise for his actions and words and the way that he said them to you. I wish I could have redone it for you, but I can't. I am sorry for what I have done.