Steve/Maya
Okay I've never really tried to put this into words so I'm not sure how much sense it's going to make, but, back... in Atlantis? I said I'm not in love with you. I don't really just fall in love with people quickly like that. I get, I'm going to call them crushes, sometimes pretty strong ones. And from there I can [...] encourage it, or I can put it in a box and say "no, not going to happen". But if I don't do anything, that's the problem. I'm, okay, I'm going to make a stupid metaphor here.
It's like growing trees - you can plant seedlings and water them carefully, or you can weed seedlings out if you don't want them there, but if you just ignore them then maybe it'll die or maybe you'll come back in a couple of months and you've got a whole tree that you never planned for. So right now I've got these little seedlings and they're very cute, but I know it's a bad idea to water and fertilise them because they're right up on your property line and it's not like you've ever said "hey, some trees would be really nice there, how about growing some?" But I don't know you don't want trees there either. The easy thing to do would be to just let the trees grow, and hope that you decide you do like them, or even just hide them among some other things so you don't realise they're there. "That's not a tree, it's just a hydrangea, it's fine."
But I'd know they were there. I think the metaphor's starting to fall apart, actually, but what I mean is, it wouldn't feel right to let myself feel something for you that you didn't want, even if you didn't know. I'd just be doing it so I can get those fuzzy warm feelings and pretend it's something more than what it is when we hang out. It's putting expectations on you that you can't live up to and that's always ended badly for me.
So, right now, I've just got this little crush. And, right now, it's really not a big deal. I can push it aside and say "No, not going to happen. Stay that size or shrink, but don't get any bigger." I just know that if I do that without having this conversation, part of me is going to sit there thinking "But I don't know..."
So I need to know, just so instead of there being all this tangled up confusing at the back of my mind, I can go "yeah, this feels nice" and have it not mean anything more than that.