WHO: Leia Organa, Han Solo (both canon) WHEN: Han's arrival on Feb 21 WHERE: Deck 6, near Reception WHAT: A really awkward reunion TRIGGER WARNINGS: Character death, grieving
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She'd sensed him when he arrived, but she didn't trust those senses. There were too many memories and grief to keep her buried on this journey. She sought out those she knew, those she'd like to know, and kept herself off the RADAR. Perhaps it wasn't what they needed, but for the moment, in a world without the First Order looming behind them, she had the opportunity to. Not like when her parents died and Alderaan was destroyed. Not like when Han died, and they had to immediately flee. Not like when Amilyn died, and the ships had to make it on. Not like when Luke died and…
It was easy to bury yourself in grief, particularly at her age, when she was behind a desk, commanding instead of fighting proper. Age was a fickle mistress, and stagnation and no war to fight meant it was always threatening to swallow her up.
And now Han was here.
She was going to have to face him and her grief at the same time. She may have lost him a long time ago, when she sent Ben to Luke, but she knew he was out there. He was alive, and he was — maybe not happy, but he was alive. There was always a chance.
The sixth floor reminded her of the Coruscant banquets and parties for the ultra elite in the Senate: ornate, full of flash, and the clink of glasses. She'd gotten used to fluttering around, particularly in the aftermath of the war, but she never enjoyed them. Too much politicking. Leia was going to have to figure out how to broach the subject of Han's death with him.
Maybe he knew her better than she knew herself because the first instinct she had wasn't to run to him or embrace him, it was to raise her hand with the intention of slapping him. He caught her wrist. "You were supposed to bring him home, not get yourself killed."
This whole place set Han on severe edge. As he had traversed the paths to get to the meeting point, he ran through the only conversation that left an impression on him over and over again. Leia’s words had rattled him in a way only she could manage. When he’d left to get their son back, there had been a weight in the pit of his stomach then; he had the same one now.
Hands at his waist, Han turned and caught a glimpse of Leia heading toward him. Every single time he saw her, she took his head for a gratifying spin. So much so he nearly missed her hand rising up to take a well deserved swing at him, but he caught it in time nonetheless, almost out of instinct, and heard the words he somehow knew were coming. His appreciative smile of her presence turned glum, reluctant.
“Must not have worked out,” Han said gently, coaxing her closer to him with the intention of pulling his arms around her. Chin set atop her head, he released a heavy sigh. The thought had occurred to him when he left that the embrace they’d shared would be their last one. He hated being right.
“Leia,” Han murmured, uncertain of what more he could say or do. He’d failed their broken family. There wasn’t any way to repair the damage done. “Should’ve let you slap me.”
It took a few instances before the smell of him — his aftershave, the smell of his old vest, even the lingering smell of Chewie's fur — gave way to the actual gravity of the situation. When it did, she gave everything she had to the embrace, determined to never let him go again. Even if she knew that wasn't possible.
She'd held it together so long. Even those downtrod moments where she let her grief show, she never let it overwhelm her. She never cried which is something that had earned her the reputation as an Ice Queen following her parents deaths. The truth was: she'd spent days, weeks mourning Kier Domadi's death so many years ago. It seemed to never stop. It did no one any good, and she was determined to keep moving. There was always something that needed to be done. It was the only way she could cope.
Han's death was immediately followed by the First Order attempting to chase them down and eradicate them, giving her more to do. She'd begun her period of mourning: clothing, the braids, but was determined to keep going. If she lost hope, then how could she expect the others to keep hope? So she worked through her grief.
"I didn't mean to — you know I'm no good with grief." She pressed her cheek to his chest and tightened her arms around him. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. No,, she told herself, but her eyes still leaked. "Don't do that again."
How could he have ever left her? Han had been determined to return their son, to mend the gaping hole between them. No matter how far across the galaxy he ran, Leia remained his constant star. She was always home. Maybe he didn’t have the confidence in returning Ben to the Light Side that she did, but he had finally been willing to try.
He’d never meant to leave her for good.
Fate, the Force, whatever it was that had caved out a path for them, had been unkind. Seeing her in mourning, visibly overcoming constant grief, Han felt something inside himself break ever so slightly. Bowing his head, mouth brushing the crown of hers with the ghost of a kiss, he tightened his arms about her frame.
“I know,” he answered, voice tight as he reigned in his own emotions. Loss would always follow them, wouldn’t it? If their son really was there as she said, was he meant for the same fate here? The thought of Ben caused a grimace, but he didn’t let her go. Not this time.
“How is he, Leia?” He slowly ventured, eyes open and staring a thousand yards ahead of him. “Our boy, he really has friends here?”
Leia was grateful he hadn't pulled away, that his arms were still around him. She didn't care that they were in front of the Reception area where anyone could walk by and witness this. They all knew their story; they can have more if they wanted it. They'd never get this reunion in their world.
"He does. He has a boyfriend even." They were difficult words to say, because Ben had gained them when neither of them were around. She'd arrived to find things different here, and then she'd gotten a memory upgrade. She struggled with the loss of her son in that dimension; she wasn't so sure he could come back from that. "It's complicated."
“Ain’t it always?” Han attempted to joke, though his tone fell flat. He wouldn’t have been enough to bring back their son, deep down he knew that. No matter how much he wanted to be the one to redeem Ben, Han was just as much of a lost cause as their boy. They didn’t share much, the Force included, but they did have heaps of self-doubt.
“My being here isn’t going to go well for him,” he voiced with an accompanied sigh of unease. If Kylo--Ben--had made progress, if he had changed and found some inner peace, then Han’s presence would only complicate matters further. “What do I do for him now, Leia?” He asked, because she always had the answers.
Most times, Leia didn't know the answer until it suddenly came to her. Luke thought that might have been a manifestation of the Force, that her gut instinct was almost always right. That she had bad feelings, and they were often proven. Like Cloud City and Lando. Like the asteroid. Like her misgivings about Han going to Starkiller Base.
"I don't know that I'm helping either," she admitted, but giving up was not her style. It had never been her style. "But I know he's … he didn't want me to tell you because he's scared that he'll lose you. I know that much."
“Lose me?” Han nearly recoiled from her at the prospect. Hadn’t Han been the one to lose their boy, ultimately? It had been on Luke’s watch, but he didn’t blame him for losing Ben to the Dark Side. Knowing he had gone to the base and met his own doom at the hands of his son shook Han to his core, but it wasn’t enough to send him on a fast retreat.
Han was done running, he had been the minute he agreed to bring Ben back to them.
So, his grip about her steadied, opting to remain a rock for both their sakes. “Guess I strayed farther than he did, huh?” He posed with a twinge of melancholy in his voice, hints of regret. There was so much he could have, should have, done differently.
Leia wasn't willing to let him take all the blame, the same way she had on D'Qar. They both played their parts in pushing Ben away, though Leia would always blame herself more than she would blame anyone else. After all, she was the one who pleading with Luke to take Ben: to train him and teach him.
"You're here. That's really all I care about right now, Han."