Anakin Solo (anakinsolo) wrote in thedisplaced, @ 2018-02-23 12:41:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !log/thread, anakin solo, leia organa (legends) |
log; anakin & leia (legends)
Who: Anakin Solo & Leia Organa Solo
When: Shortly after Han's arrival
Where: Their cabin on the ship
What: Anakin checks up on his mom.
Rating: Lowish, but there are references to character deaths from the NJO series
Status: COMPLETE.
It was true, what Leia had told Meetra, that a hangover had its purpose. Years ago it was to remember the pain of so many losses after Alderaan. Right now it was to feel the pain of not-Han being here, a reminder that this world wasn't her own and anything could change in an instant. If she tried hard enough, Leia knew she'd be able to meditate well enough to get rid of the headache and the nausea, but that wasn't the point. The drinking had been to forget; this hangover was to feel. She lay very, very still in the middle of her bed. The movement of the ship, even in port, wasn't helping at all, both her head and stomach swimming. With her eyes closed, Leia tried to wipe her mind again, to little success. She felt more than heard Anakin return to the room, and part of her hoped he'd ignore her closed door and leave her be. The bigger part of her, though, hoped he wouldn't. Leo's offer of tinkering had been one of the best things anyone could have offered him in the moment. How Leo had known, when Anakin hadn't even quite realized himself, was just a blessing that Anakin knew he should be grateful for. He had his mom, even if she didn't quite remember his birth or any of his childhood. He had his brother, and he had friends. Nico, Violet, Leo - they'd all jumped in and been there, and Anakin was grateful for it. He was. But it also couldn't entirely erase the feeling of disappointment at staring at a man that looked exactly like his Dad but had no memory of him. And this wasn't new to him - at two and a half, getting close to three years jumping around and gaining people and losing people, he ought to be used to it. After all, his Mom had been there multiple times, his Dad multiple times too. Mostly they'd been younger, although sometimes they'd remembered things when they were older, and then there'd been his mom when he'd first gotten here who had been young and hadn't known him and then had gotten memories that weren't of him. He ought to be used to it, but he wasn't. But even as much as he wasn't used to it, and he hated it, and he longed for his Dad, he was guessing that it was more difficult for his Mom. She'd had Han here, and they'd both been young and hadn't remembered him specifically, but they'd been able to be together, and this was obvious and Anakin knew how he would feel if Nico were to leave and show up, and only remember his own world, not him. And that wasn't even exactly the same. In the back of his mind most of the day he'd kept tabs on his mom, until he'd finally made his way back to the cabin, and now he was hesitating outside of her door with a cup of ginger tea he'd picked up on the way back. Did he bother her? Or… But he wasn't certain it was a bother. There wasn't anyone else here who could check on her and care. No one else who could take his Dad's place, and Anakin wasn't his Dad, he knew that, but if his Dad were here - or if his Dad were aware of the situation, Anakin was pretty certain he'd want his sons to make certain their mother was all right, and honestly, Anakin could use a hug, and maybe Leia could too. He knocked gently on the door before pushing it open. "Mom?" He called softly into the room. Leia hummed lightly from where she was on the bed in the dark room. Her stomach leapt at the strong scent of ginger tea, but she didn't move. "Hi, honey," she whispered. She just needed another hour or so before she could pull herself back together and move on. She'd had trouble when Han left, but she was realizing now that it was harder to have him back, only it not being him. It occurred to her that this is how some of the others had felt, seeing their loved one and knowing it wasn't really them. She hoped this wasn't how Anakin or Jacen ever felt about her considering she hadn't had either of them yet. It took a moment but she managed to sit up, pushing some of the hair that had tumbled out of her braids off her face as she did so. She was still dressed, even wearing her shoes. But she didn't need to have Anakin see her as hungover as she felt. "Is that tea?" she asked, trying to sound as though everything was all right. Anakin stepped in, closing the door gently behind him. Even if Leia were trying to hide it, he was pretty certain all was not as all right as she said. "Yeah, I brought some ginger tea for you. Figured it might be…" he was pretty certain she'd been drinking, just through the Force, and he couldn't blame her one bit for that. "Helpful maybe. You can stay there, I don't need anything." Well, that was true, and it wasn't. It wasn't as if he needed taking care of. He was 17, nearly 18 and he could take care of himself. He'd been doing that on and off for years now. But that didn't mean he didn't need anything at all. "I just thought, maybe…" he trailed off. A stranger could have arrived on the network and created a lot of fuss, and it wouldn't have bothered them. This was almost the same, except it wasn't. "You'd like company," he finished lamely. "Or… can I stay awhile?" She reached out to take the tea from him, even though her body was fighting her for it, her head throbbing and her stomach moments away from betraying her. Smiling, as much as she could, she patted the bed beside her. "I'd like you to stay for a while, yes," she murmured, bracing herself for the moment his knee hit the bed and it moved under his weight. Her fingers gripped the tea cup tightly, and she willed the Force to help her not be sick (again). "How are you doing?" she asked him, as though this were any other conversation. Maybe the longer she refused to say Han's name, the easier this might get. Anakin handed it over and he sat down slowly on the bed, kicking his shoes off and pulling his feet up under him so he was sitting cross-legged in the bed watching his mom. “I’m okay,” he told her. It might not be true, but it was true enough. He would be okay anyway. “Leo offered to let me do some stuff with him, so I did that for a bit, but I figured you might need company.” He hesitated a moment, watching her. “How are you?” Because he was watching, Leia chanced a small sip of the tea. Its heat felt better than the taste of it or it sloshing down her throat into her sour stomach. "I appreciate that. Meetra and I went out." Leia was thankful for the friendship she'd formed with Meetra these past few months, cherished it really. She reminded her of one of her friends on Alderaan as a young girl. "She helped distract me at least." She lowered the tea and breathed in deeply. "Have you seen Jacen?" Leia asked. "Is he doing all right?" Anything not to say Han's name … Anakin nodded, a small smile playing at his lips even though there was still concern there. “I’m glad you had that,” he offered. He didn’t know Meetra well, but she seemed to be nice enough and it was good for his mom to not be alone probably. “I saw Jacen earlier,” he said. He wasn’t certain exactly if Jacen had the same feelings as he did or not. Mostly, Anakin carried the weight of knowing that he’d done something, even if he’d had to do it, that had caused his Dad a lot of pain. And most of his recent memories of his father were painful because of that. He still didn’t know if his Father had forgiven him, or would, although it seemed less likely that it would ever be the kind of relationship he wanted the more memories he got from home. Maybe it should be easier thinking about a Han he didn’t have any of that in common with, but Kylo was a mess, and Anakin knew enough to know, with his sort of brother here, that would be a distraction. “I think he’s okay, I figured we could do stuff later…” he shrugged. It felt like a Bantha in the room, what was on Anakin’s mind but wasn’t really being talked about. “I mean, we’re still all here so it’s not like much has changed,” he hoped he sounded more convincing than he felt. "I'll have to reach out to him when I'm - " feeling more myself, she left unfinished, still not wanting to admit that she had drunk herself into a stupor for the first time in almost a decade. Not since Alderaan, the Death Star, had this been something she thought she needed. And now that the effects of the wine were gone, her emotions were back rather than numbed. Leia looked at Anakin for a moment and then spoke, softly. "No, nothing has changed at all," she said firmly. Anakin reached over and laid a hand on his Mom's shoulder. Maybe they weren't really saying the words, but he tended to suspect that he still had a pretty good idea that this was hard for her. And he knew Jacen knew it too. It might not really feel as if what he'd said was true, but the reality was, that it was. It wasn't his Dad, and it wasn't his mom's husband, and so their family had neither lost nor gained anyone really. Even if it didn't feel like that at all. "Jacen'll find you later, I bet," he said quietly. "It's one of the nice things about having him in here. He won't have to go too far to do so." He hesitated, not sure if he really should acknowledge it further. "You know, when I was going through some tough stuff at home, you always told me it would be okay, and this will be too. It's a whole different kind of difficult when you never know on any given day what you're going to get thrown." She had suspected for some now just how intuitive and wise her son was, but it was still nice to see it happen in front of her. She leaned in against him and nodded. "Of course everything's going to be okay," she told him, even as her voice shook a little bit. Not-Han wasn't her husband; he was the general's. And that was fine. Along the same lines as Anakin was thinking, they didn't lose anyone. They just didn't gain anyone either. Her other self gained someone. And so did Ben. Her heart constricted at that thought. She'd seen how difficult it had been when her Han was here, for Ben, and now to have his actual father - Leia shook her head a little. "I'm very glad to have both of you so close," she insisted. Anakin nodded, watching his mom for an instant, before he shifted, using the space in front of him to lay down on his abdomen across the bed, quiet as he sifted through memories of here, and of home. He'd been only 15 when he'd arrived at Mount Weather, and his parents had both been there, but young. Later his father had gotten memories, remembered Chewbacca and Sernpidal, while his mother had ended up with memories of the other timeline. He wasn't certain he'd reacted well, looking back on it. And he wondered a bit how much things had changed. It felt like recently he'd been struggling with everything, pushing at the ridiculously imposed age limits, and the loss of his sister, and the lack of his father. "Dad and I aren't really…" he paused as he started, wondering even how to say it, or if he should. Mostly he didn't talk about the memories he had with his mom. Mostly because they felt like the sort of thing she shouldn't have to carry, because war, and the Jedi and himself being so intimately involved in it, he'd rather not let her carry that too, but maybe she knew more than he thought. It wasn't a secret, exactly, it just wasn't as well known as the other Solo's stories. Maybe there was a blessing there. He sighed, turned over, and propped his head up with his elbow. "All my memories of home are complicated," he admitted finally. "Especially with Dad. I think I keep hoping for him back so I can fix that, even if I know that's not how it works." Leia had no idea how any of this worked, really. And she took a moment to try the tea again, feeling more calm and better now that Anakin was with her. She didn't know exactly why that was, but it was better than feeling miserable for herself and because of her drinking the day before. She reached out to set a hand against his back. "I'm sorry that I don't have the memories of a lifetime with you, Anakin. Or with Jacen. I don't think I realized how difficult that might be for the two of you until now. Until - " Not-Han had shown up. She felt a prickle behind her eyes, at the bridge of her nose, and she realized she had started to cry. As always, she aimed to get that under control. There was no reason to get emotional all over again about something that she had no control over and that wasn't changing. When she spoke again, she was quiet. "I didn't know how difficult it was until your father showed up and he wasn't your father at all. At least last time he was - well, he was mine. Ours." Or potentially he was at least. This time it was clear that he was not. "I have faith that you'll be able to fix anything you want with him eventually, whether here or back home. And I have more faith that whatever rift you and he had, that he still loves you and that's never going to change." "It's not your fault," Anakin said immediately. "You don't remember us cause you haven't lived it yet, but we're still family." Recently Anakin had to admit that it even felt a bit more as if she'd been acting like his mother. Which, to be fair, considering how frustrated he'd felt and contrary much of the time, maybe he needed. But he wasn't certain if he believed her about his Dad. He supposed they had at least been talking again, sort of. But it had been awkward, and maybe it was true that his Dad still loved him, but Anakin didn't know if he'd forgiven him. Anakin wasn't certain Han would ever forgive him, or maybe he couldn't entirely forgive himself. Even if it had been absolutely necessary and saved dozens of lives, and it had been the right call - the call Chewie himself would have advocated for. It didn't make it any easier. But he realized as those things were running through his mind, that his Mom's eyes were moist, and that was enough to push the other to the back of things. He pushed himself up to sitting and moved to wrap his arms around her. All other things put aside, even with the tumult of the past two years at home, where Han had disappeared with his grief into a galaxy at war, and his mom had thrown herself into trying to save the planets and peoples of the New Republic, it was difficult to think of his parents as separate or apart. They were soulmates, two pieces of a whole, and from Anakin's point of view, that was just fact. "I'm sorry Mom," he murmured. "It's difficult for me, but I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you." She wanted to go back to what he had been saying, about whatever future they had, his relationship with his father, but there would be other opportunities for that. For now, she relished in the hug her son was giving her, and she set the tea aside so that she could hug him back. "I miss him so much," she said, her voice muffled into Anakin's shoulder. "I know you do too. And you miss Jaina. And Luke. And -" But it was different with her when it came to Han. She knew without it having happened yet that she wasn't going to be able to be in the same room or within sight of this not-Han without the pain settling in. Maybe, eventually, that would go away. "Yeah, but…" Anakin sighed, holding her tight. It wasn't as if he never hugged his mom, but maybe it had taken a year's worth of memories, or more probably if he went back and actually counted, here for them to really feel comfortable with each other. Which perhaps boded well for eventually him being comfortable with the Han that didn't know him, and maybe it wasn't impossible they could do some things together, although Anakin didn't know if he'd want to. Afterall, Anakin had a difficult time imagining Han having had a very good relationship with his actual son considering. "You and Dad have something special," he offered finally. "Of course you're going to miss that." He sighed. "It was so nice to have Jaina. The last time I remember us all together at home was just for a brief period on Duro. Dad was there, cause he'd been… around for awhile, and Jaina and Jacen were both there, and you were helping people there, and I came in with Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara, and it wasn't for long. And we were all here for a while at Mount Weather… sort of. Although it wasn't you, it was the other you, we just didn't know it at the time." Leia nodded a few times. "I'm afraid that the lives we've found ourselves in mean there's very little chance for all of us to truly be together all at once again," she said, her hope slipping away just a little bit. "There's still some chance though," Anakin countered. "It has happened before, sort of. And it could happen again. Really we just need Jaina and Dad to get their acts together," he pulled back and offered her a lopsided grin. "It's a lot to ask from both of them, but the Force might be with us." She cupped his cheeks and smiled at him, leaned forward to kiss his forehead. "I'm grateful for your hope and optimism, Anakin," she said softly. |