InsaneJournal

Steve chuckled as he looked at the last message Bucky sent him. It was a content laugh, knowing that Bucky had taken control of his life and memories. He suggested that Bucky see Sam, maybe that would help with some of the cobwebs. That and being the WInter Soldier-- that was a lot to deal with. But for the most part, Bucky seemed like he had it under control, like the original Bucky that was Displaced. Steve was happy he had two best friends that were back to their almost original selves.

He got his jacket and his bike-- wait, no, he wasn’t sure if that was back yet. Bucky came back but he wasn’t sure if the bike was gassed up or not. Instead of checking, Steve just decided to walk to the Inn. It was a nice night, not nearly as cold as it would be in Brooklyn this time of year. Texas was spoiling him.

Once inside the Inn, Steve milled about the entrance, then walked into the dining area. He looked around for his friend as he did so many times before, but this time able to see over the tops of people’s heads.

What had come through with Bucky when his room had shown up at the compound, had been stored away. A lot of his stuff had been stuff he had shared with his Steve and it just brought to the front of his mind a painful reminder that he might not see the man he loved ever again. So when he had left for the Inn, he hadn’t brought too much with him. Just whatever money he had, some clothes, and a few weapons. They all easily fit in a backpack and a duffle bag, which he had hoisted up onto his shoulder after checking out of the Inn.

He had been grateful for Natasha’s offer of her safe house. The Inn wasn’t exactly the nicest of accommodations, though that night it was busy. It took him a second to locate Steve, finding him standing out in the crowd.

Making his way over, he tossed his duffel at Steve. “Let's go, Depression Beard. I'm hungry. “

Steve spotted Bucky just as the duffel hit his sternum. Quickly, he caught it and grabbed it by the handles, and chucked it over his shoulder. “This is a lot more than I thought you’d have…” Then he remembered Bucky had a whole life for awhile now and backtracked, “It’s more than what came with me. My room had a change of clothes, my sketchbook, and--” he didn’t want to say it. The compass with Peggy’s picture. She was dead where he came from. She died barely knowing who he was, senile and alone. “And that’s it,” he finished awkwardly.

Following Bucky, Steve made his way out of the Inn. “Where to, Mister Barnes? Are we hoofin’ it?” He figured they’d walk. Hopefully it wasn’t too far. “And don’t call me Depression Beard.”

“I can’t call you Stevie, I can’t call you Depression Beard. And I can’t call you Cap. What am I going to call you then?” Bucky asked, turning around and walking backwards so he could talk to Steve, but not slowing down until they were ahead a little bit to get away from the Inn and its seedy inhabitants. He slowed down once the light of the Inn was behind them and fell into step with Steve, facing forward again.

“You’ve been around longer than I have. What’s your next recommendation?” He wasn’t very hungry, but this whole thing was just an excuse to hang out with Steve and see how he was doing. After talking to Nat and realizing that Steve had some hangups about what had gone down back in their world and Bucky choosing to go back on ice, he knew he had to put aside his own shit and be a good friend, make sure Steve would be okay or, at least, on the path to being okay. And that involved letting Steve know what was going on with him and making sure he knew he was welcomed to come harass him whenever he needed to make sure Bucky was okay. At least, this Bucky, he couldn’t speak about Bucky 1.

Steve grinned, looking down shyly. Attention from Bucky was always like a tiny little gift to Steve and he was embarrassed at how much he enjoyed it. “Well, Buck, you could call me by my name.” He looked up at Bucky then and raised his eyebrows, “You remember it, right?” Hey, if Bucky could tease Steve, Steve could tease Bucky.

He shrugged with one shoulder, as the duffel was over the other. “I suggested the Mystic Grill because it has food and drinks.” A stage whisper, “I never did acquire the taste for alcohol, so that’s a bust.” Steve drank whenever Tony had parties, and the only time he felt a buzz was when Thor handed out some of his special Asgardian mead. Or … whatever it was.

Steve was actually concerned about feeding Bucky, not realizing this was some sort of intervention. Bucky 1 had talked to him a bit and made him feel a little better about his best friend going under again, but he still was down about it. Bucky would never be the same person he was when they were at war, when they were kids-- back before anyone messed with their DNA.

“Memory’s a bit fuzzy, Blondie. I don’t recall so good these days,” Bucky joked, a lot more light hearted about the fact that his brain was constantly being fucked with than he would have been a few years ago. At this point, he learned to let go of hanging onto that rage, that sadness about what he had lost. He had learned that if he didn’t, he’d lose what he did have: another chance at a good life.

But there was a reason he didn’t call Steve by his name that much. It just reminded him that Steve wasn’t his Steve, the one whom he had built a new life with. So he avoided the name, though he knew it wasn’t fair. One day, hopefully soon, he would learn to say the name again without the sadness associated with it.

“Drink enough and you can almost get a buzz, but it’s not worth it, not with how little our wallets are these days.” He had some hangups about alcohol, having spent a lot of his early days at Blackpoint drunk to get away from his problems. So he didn’t take part in drinking unless he knew he was in good control of himself. It was just easier to avoid it, even if he couldn’t really get drunk nowadays. “Let’s just hit up a fast food place and check out my new place, eat there. Nat’s lending it out.”

Steve gave Bucky a little salute. “Sir yes sir.” Every nickname Bucky came up with made Steve wonder what was up with that. He didn’t connect that it would hurt Bucky to think of his Steve. But he let it go anyway.

After stopping at a Wendy’s on the way, Steve finally spoke up. “Why can’t you call me Steve?” As he asked the question, he realized the answer. He shut himself up by sipping from the straw of his soda pop. “Because… it makes you think of the other Steve?” Or was he the other Steve? It was confusing. He was and he wasn’t. Holding a bag with burgers in it, Steve realized they were walking down a dirt road towards a house. “Must be the place?” Oh please let that change the subject, please please?

If there was one thing that any Steve Rogers was good at it, it was making astute observations and promptly making things awkward. It was one his special abilities, no matter what world he was in. Bucky could have been nice and just ignored the observation, but it was just too heavy to leave unspoken. “A little bit. Just give me time to figure it out in my head, I’ll call you by your name. Until then, you get to be Abercrombie.” And if there was one thing that Bucky picked up from Tony while hanging out in Blackpoint, it was the art of nicknames.

You know, before the whole ‘you murdered my dad’ thing came to light. Then things had gotten a bit awkward.

The safe house was non descript, nothing fancy to look at. Once Bucky was able to disable the traps and use the keys given to him by Nat earlier that day, he entered first to make sure there wasn’t a bucket of water waiting to fall on anyone who entered. He wouldn’t put it past Nat to not leave one small prank behind as a welcome to the safe house thing, but after confirming nothing was waiting for him, he let the door swing open behind him so Steve could follow.

Dropping his backpack by the door, he scanned the room. It was a small place, but just like Nat had promised, there was a kitchen, a bathroom, and a wall of guns in what looked like the living room area. Walking around, admiring her collection, he could spy a small bedroom. It was well kept and clean and he would have to remember to thank Natasha properly for this when he got the means and chance. Turning back to Steve, he gestured to the duffel he was carrying. “Feel free to drop that anywhere, I’ll unpack later. Let’s eat.”

As Bucky walked into the house, Steve just gazed at his navel and wondered what the hell was Abercrombie. Was it good or bad? He waited patiently for Bucky to give the okay, knowing full well if there was a trap, he’d be able to handle it-- but let the other man check around first anyway. Natasha trusted Bucky with this place, Steve was just along for the ride.

“It’s a clothing company!” He exclaimed, holding out one finger while the rest of his were wrapped around the bag of burgers. Steve then turned and checked out the wall of guns. He wasn’t a big fan of them himself-- he’s used them before (he was in a war after all). A whistle came from his lips. “Wow.”

With Bucky’s instruction, Steve gently laid the duffel on the floor near the couch. The burgers were deposited onto the coffee table and Steve gingerly sat on the couch. No flopping down, might break something. Always aware of that. “I’m sorry, you know. If I make things weird. Just my existence must … “ He couldn’t find the words, so he just the ones he uttered hang in the air.

It was hard to remember that Steve hadn’t spent a lot of time in the modern world - at least, not functioning in modern society like he had been able to back in Blackpoint. So these little moments of a joke calling to modern things, things not connecting right away because Steve didn’t understand the reference, it always surprised him a little to realize there was a gap of pop culture there. He made sure he would eventually fix that.

“Stop apologizing, especially for your existence, Rogers,” Bucky said, eventually circling back around and coming to sit on the couch next to the other man. He left some respectful space between them, but seemed a lot more at ease than the first time they been in the same space together. Turning his head to directly address the blond, he said, “And if anyone’s ever shitty enough to make you apologize for your existence, let me know so I can kick their ass.” It wasn’t Steve’s fault, this whole situation. “It’s on me to get it right in my head. That’s all. Just put up with me a bit longer, okay?”

Steve had been out of the ice for some time, but there were still things he didn’t catch. Small things. Things Sam didn’t explain to him. He had his notebook with things to look up and ...it just got away from him. He was busy with finding Bucky and then the Accords. There was still a chunk of pop culture missing from him. Like, what are memes? And Star Wars-- there were several people in Tumbleweed that were from that world, Steve felt he needed to know it. He was going to talk to Meetra about the Jedi when they played blackjack the next night.

Reaching into the bag to grab a burger, Steve ducked his head a little. “I’m sorry that I’m sorry.” He had a small smile on his face to signal that he was at least half joking. Steve leaned back against the couch and didn’t mind how far away or how close Bucky was to him. He just didn’t notice. “I’ve been putting up with you for years, a little longer will be fine. I just know it’s hard to get over someone. I’m still nursing wounds from Peggy,” he finally admitted. Admitted to someone besides Sam, at least.

Bucky had known Peggy for quite awhile in Blackpoint, better than he had during the war. Anyone who had known her, had been half in love with her, and for Steve who had real feelings for her, well he didn’t know how to comfort him over that. With the memories update, he knew she had passed, had knew of her condition before it. There wasn’t much he could say to make Steve feel better about it, but he tried. “She was the best damn spy I’ve ever known, but an even better friend. It hurt, when I found out what happened, but I know it’s a hundred times worse for you. I’m sorry you’re going through that.” He reached over pat Steve on the shoulder, giving it a brief squeeze, before pulling away. “Have you talked to anyone about it? About her?”

With a mouthful of burger, Steve held up one finger and quickly chewed his food. How can you eat at a time like this, Steve? “She taught me how to fight, you know,” he responded fondly. Avoiding the question a little bit. He grabbed the bag of burgers and dropped them into Bucky’s lap. The squeeze to his shoulder felt nice and reminded him of how Bucky was always damn near massaging him the way he’d grab onto Steve’s shoulders.

“I mentioned it to Sam. And you know him. It’s … it’s no big deal, I had time to process it.” Not really-- he kissed her niece in a moment of intense emotional distress? Processed.

“I don’t know him that well, but I know he’s some kind of training in counseling, right?” He didn’t feel comfortable enough talking to Sam about his problems, not when he was so close to them and knew their lives. It had been easier in Blackpoint because people had known who they were, there were therapists who were aware of their weird situation, but unbiased enough that it didn’t make Bucky uncomfortable confiding in them. In a therapy situation, strangers were more comfortable for once.

Out of something to do with his hands rather than hunger, he grabbed the bag of burgers and pulled one out, leaving the rest on the coffee table. “Nat mentioned you got here after I went on ice. A lot happened between Peg and that moment, you didn’t have a lot of time to process it. It’s okay if you’re not completely fine.”

“Yeah, but then I found you. And found out what had been done to you for years.” That kind of takes precedence for a bit. He was focused on something other than the fact that his friends were all dead or near death, while he was thriving. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously and lowered the burger. “Then you went back on ice. I lost you and Peggy all over again.”

Steve was quiet for a few moments. “But now there’s two of you. So that part’s settled,” he said, trying to keep it light. “If she were to show up like you did, I think… I think that’d be harder than it is now.” He didn’t know how to explain it, but knowing she was dead kind of felt final and easier to deal with. Wondering, no, knowing, she could show up at any time made him anxious. What would he say to her? It wouldn’t be the same. “She had her life.”

“Want to hear something funny and terrible? She showed up in Blackpoint, looking as gorgeous as she ever did. And I hid from her because by that point, Steve and I were dating and I was convinced that as soon as she got a hand on a gun, she’d shoot me. Steve didn’t know what to do either, but he reached out to her and they became friends. She finally cornered me and demanded to know why I was being a jackass. I told her and she basically called me an idiot, told me not to pull shit like that again, and we became friends. All of us. Yeah, it was tough, but I know the other Steve was happier knowing that she was around. But he didn’t have to attend her funeral, so I understand. It being harder if she showed up now. And I don’t think she’d blame you for feeling that way, you know?”

Shifting over, he nudged Steve with his shoulder. “No one’s going to blame you for taking this place as a new start. Including her. And yeah, you got two of us now and two of Sam, and a Nat, Thor, Banner, a couple Bartons, and Wanda. And James? He’s the greatest kid I’ve ever met. So I think for fresh starts, you got a nice little circle of people that care about you to help.”

The way Steve looked at Bucky was a mix between embarrassed and amused. His mouth opened slightly as he smiled at the story, nodding when he learned Peggy called Bucky an idiot. “That sounds like her.” He would like it if she showed up, he just wouldn’t know how to deal with it. Things felt final. And what if she wanted a relationship-- a romantic one, with Steve? Steve wouldn’t know how to go about that either. He talked with Sam at length about how he thought he should just be alone.

“Yeah-ha-ha, I do got a pretty good group here. Mostly Team Cap people, but we won’t talk about that.” Dear Lord, if Tony ever showed up… “I don’t know how to interact with James. I don’t know if I should be his father or his friend… but he’s a good kid. Strong as hell, too,” a smidgen of pride in his voice.

“He’s got a lot of Nat in him too. Better sense of humor than you ever had,” Bucky said, smirking as he bit into his burger. “That’s definitely all her.” He finished his burger pretty quick and didn’t reach for another one. “So tell me more about what you’ve been doing here. How is Steve Rogers doing in Tumbleweed?”

Steve finished his burger quickly while Bucky spoke, shaking his head when Bucky teased him. Balling up the wrapper, he sighed and licked his incisors. It was a sad answer, “Not much.” Pathetic. “I’ve been talking to people, learning about them, trying to play catch up.” He shrugged and smiled bashfully at Bucky.

“I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t taken hold of the reigns and started holding weekly group dinners and the like,” Bucky said, kicking off his shoes and putting his feet up on the coffee table. Because he was a slob with no manners. “How’s the military going? What do you and Nat do there anyway?”

He held out one hand as if trying to articulate something and then just dropped it into his lap. “Sam is Captain America now, he’s the one in charge of the Avengers and their dinners.” Steve’s hands didn’t know where to go and he ended up fiddling with the wrapper of the burger. He wanted another but Bucky hadn’t take another. “We do intake, patrols, get ready for any big threats.” It was all business as usual and it was all he was used to. Working alongside Natasha brought him some semblance to the normal life he was leading in DC before the search for Bucky started.

“Doesn’t mean you can’t help or organize pickup games of football. You’re still Steve Rogers, don’t let anyone stop you from being you,” Bucky said, noticing that Steve was getting antsy. He reached forward, bending almost in half to get the burgers and tossed one to Steve. They both did better when their hands were occupied. “So you probably knew I was here the minute I got here, huh?” That must have been a shock to see. “What kind of threats has this place seen so far?”

Steve’s face was very expressive, especially when he was at a loss for words. He pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows, wondering if he could do such a thing. He felt like he failed everyone with the whole Accords and HYDRA situations. “Maybe a movie night, so I can get caught up on pop culture,” he suggested weakly.

“Yeah, I saw your name on the list and was confused that you were coming through a second time. Thought maybe there was a mixup. Waited until you posted on the network before letting the weirdness set in.” Catching the burger, he quickly unwrapped it and took a big bite before speaking again, “Thanks-- uh, gremlins has been the biggest thing so far. Bucky killed his by accident the first day we got them.” It was morbid, but Steve was smirking.

“I wouldn’t mind dropping in for a movie night if you do decide to have one,” Bucky encouraged, knowing that sometimes you needed to push things along in the right direction to get Steve out of his funks. “Gremlins could be the first movie,” he added with a grin, because his sense of humor was off too. “In Blackpoint, the Chitauri came through, so I’m glad the worst that’s happened is tiny monsters.”

His teeth were bared for a moment at the mention of the movie. “Watching that would put things into perspective, I suppose. I need to watch Star Wars, too. There’s people here that are talking about Jedi and the Force and I’m wondering if it’s a cult!” He thought of Meetra and the others, hoping they weren’t some sort of robe-wearing brainwashers. “The Chitauri? Don’t want to see them again.” His curiosity got the better of him, “Was your Steve there the entire time you were? Did he have his shield? I left mine with Tony and haven’t seen it since. Borrowed Sam’s-- Oh!” He snapped and pointed at Bucky, “Flying monkeys. We had those, right before the gremlins. Them, I knew.”

“Yeah, we pretty much followed each other into the future. We had arrived fresh out of the war, so it had been a trip.” Seeing some of this enthusiasm of Steve’s coming back made Bucky nostalgic for earlier days, when they weren’t burdened by their lives. Every day they had to keep fighting to have some semblance of normalcy and there was no guarantee that they would get it. But every opportunity that allowed them to be together in one way or another was okay with Bucky. Smiling, he asked, “Like the Wizard of Oz flying monkeys?”

He hated that he had to break the almost joyful mood because seeing how Steve was doing wasn’t the only reason he wanted to spend time with the other man. Shifting so he put his feet back down on the ground and leaning forward so that his elbows were on his knees, he said, “LIsten, Stevie. There’s more. You know how I told you about the trigger words? How I’m getting them removed? Betsy Braddock’s the one helping me. She’s been doing a great job, but...it involves her going into my mind a lot.” He paused, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s...not fun. And some days it’s worse than others. But it helped the other Bucky and I’m hoping it does the same for me. It’s going to take awhile, but I wanted you to know what was going on. If something goes wrong, I want you to do whatever it takes to make sure I don’t hurt anyone else.”

Steve’s smile faded quickly when Bucky got serious. He nodded as Bucky told him about Betsy and immediately spoke up as soon as he was done. “Do you want me to go with you to these sessions? I think she’s pretty capable of taking care of you if something went … wrong. But-- yeah, I promise. I was able to distract and,” he smiled wryly, “nearly subdue you last time, I could do it again.” Despite the air of confidence in his declaration, Steve’s brows knit in concern.

Clearly from the lack of Steve throwing something at his head and telling him he was an idiot, he didn’t get the full extent of what Bucky was asking of him. Bucky cleared his throat, hating that he had to clarify this. “Betsy already knows that I want her to take whatever means necessary if something goes wrong. But if I go Winter Soldier, if I can’t get turned back off, I want you to make sure I don’t fall into the wrong hands, that I don’t hurt anyone. Even if it’s a permanent solution. There’s a good chance that we don’t have to worry about this, that it’ll come out fines like it did for the other Barnes, but in case it doesn’t…” He trailed off, knowing he had to say the words if he wanted Steve to do it. “Put me down.” He had this conversation once before, with his Steve. It didn’t go so well, but the other man had eventually come around to see why this was necessary.

Steve really didn’t get it. He remembered last time how Bucky was switched to Winter Soldier, that it eventually wore off. Bucky came back. He always came back. Steve started to shake his head, “No,” was all he said. He tossed the burger her was still cradling onto the coffee table, folded his arms and sat back. “It’s not going to go that way, so no one is going to have to put you down. You’re not a mad dog.” Steve’s eyes avoided Bucky’s, he stared straight ahead at a crack in the wall, one that he decided was far more interesting than this conversation.

“The brain is never a certain thing, Steve. You don't know for sure what can happen. So I need to know I can depend on you to make the right choice if it ever happens.” He didn't have a deathwish, but he wouldn't be able to tolerate any more blood on his hands. “Steve, look at me,” he pleaded.

With the plea came Steve giving in easily, turning his head and looking at Bucky. He felt small, and not in control of anything. Much like he did back when they lived in Brooklyn. Sure, if he was even able to kill this Bucky, he’d have a spare, but he didn’t think of it that way. Both Buckys were their own person and those people were his best friends. He was quiet for some time, and just before Bucky was probably going to ask him again, he spoke. “I’ll do it.”

“Okay,” Buck said, nodding. “This is just a precaution, this probably won't happen. But I feel better going into this now.” And despite the severe request that Bucky had made of his friend, there seemed to be a weight lifted off his shoulder. There was a plan in place if things went to shit and that's all he wanted. “In a couple weeks, couple months we'll laugh about how dramatic I was being. Alright, buddy?” He dared to reach over and put his hand back on Steve's shoulder. He didn't pull away this time.

Steve breathed heavy through his nose, letting out a huff. He wasn’t happy. He didn’t like the idea of someone messing around in Bucky’s head. If they just left him alone, they wouldn’t have to worry, unless someone got ahold of the trigger words. And no one in the town seemed the type to go looking for them. But on the other hand, he wouldn’t want anyone else to do the job Bucky asked of him. WIthout thinking, Steve reached up and put his hand over Bucky’s. “If you’re sure.”

It felt so familiar to have Steve's hand over his and yet so different, but he didn't let himself pull away. Didn't feel the need to. “You’re the only one I trust for this, Stevie. I'm sure. And it'll all be for nothing, trust me.” He put his chin on the hand Steve had over his and leaned forward to bump the other man's head with his. “So quit worrying and finish your burger.”

Being with Bucky was like coming home. The whole time he had been in Tumbleweed, he felt out of place. Then again, he felt out of place far before that. Bucky’s head bumping against his like a cat made him slowly start to grin lopsidedly, until he broke out in a laugh and pushed the other man away, “Punk.” He wondered to himself if it hurt Bucky to touch Steve, if he remembered things about his counterpart. He didn’t want to hurt Bucky, but he needed the contact.

Smiling like the sun had finally come out again, he let himself be pushed away and reached for another burger. “Whatever, bite me.” Thalia Grace’s lesson in modern slang had paid off. “So when's movie night?”

“We’ll see.” He picked his burger up off the coffee table where he abandoned it and dug in. He stayed silent for awhile, trying to let all of the conversation and his thoughts process. Whatever Bucky said next would be just fine with him, as long as it wasn’t about the Winter Soldier.