noctis lucis caelum ✨ (somnifer) wrote in thedisplaced, @ 2017-11-26 11:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log/thread, noctis lucis caelum, oerba dia vanille |
WHO: Noctis Lucis Caelum and Oerba Dia Vanille.
WHAT: Noctis apologizes to Vanille after their fight by offering mediocre baked goods. A serious conversation ensues.
WHEN: Wednesday, November 8.
WHERE: Vanille's apartment.
WARNINGS: Mentions of anxiety, death, and self-hatred. :/
STATUS: Complete.
Can I come over to drop something off? It had been a simple text message. Something seemingly innocuous except for the fact that this marked the beginning of Noctis' apology to Vanille, and he really needed to get it right. She'd been nothing but a good friend to him, and he'd been so awful to her in return. There was absolutely no excuse. Nothing he could possibly say that would take it all back, so he went with the only thing he knew how to do: giving himself a task to complete. The first phase involved baking cookies, which ... was much harder than he'd initially anticipated it being. (How did Iggy do this?) After the third batch — of which he'd not only had Prompto taste test, but also their landlords — Noctis packed them up and headed over to Vanille's after she'd agreed to see him.
He was, of course, prepared for the very real possibility that she might not want to speak to him. She had every right not to. If that was the case, he'd write her a formal letter that night, send it, and hope to some not entirely evil higher power that this didn't completely ruin her friendship with Prompto. That would truly pain him. Noctis was well aware he wasn't much of a friend to anyone, not after he'd seen the truth of what Ignis had endured, but to know he'd also reflected poorly on Prompto was too much to swallow.
"Okay," Noctis said to himself, though it was more of a breath. He could do this. He just needed to push down everything he'd been feeling the past few days and act like a normal human being for once. That was easy enough, right?
It took a little while to actually walk the distance to Vanille's apartment, which was a blessing — for once. Noctis had left his cane at home (something he was determined to do more and more these days), his metal knee brace the only bright thing about him. Otherwise, he was dressed all in black, carrying a plate of slightly misshapen cookies. It made quite the picture when he knocked on the door. "Uh," he said when it opened. Eloquent. "I — made cookies. They're not awful, I promise. Prompto swore it was edible and Sherlock wouldn't lie if they were bad, so ..." Not a good start. Noctis braced himself a bit. "I'm so sorry. If you don't want me around anymore, I totally get it, but ... I'd like to make it up to you, Vanille. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that. I was seriously out of line."
The text had caught Vanille off guard. In all honesty, she hadn't expected to hear from Noctis, let alone him saying he had something to bring by. She didn't know what to expect and she had mixed feelings about him coming over. A part of her had wanted to say no, that she didn't think him coming over was a good idea. That maybe they should give it more time before being in the same vicinity. Vanille had been involved in plenty of shenanigans in her life, it was almost expected of her. She was the girl who always had a smile on her face and welcomed others with a hug whether or not she knew them. It was all a facade to cover up her true anxieties of failing everyone she loved and turning into a Cie’th. She didn't even know if she had a Focus in Tumbleweed, but that fear was what kept her moving forward to be that cheerful girl everyone had come to know. So potentially losing a friend broke her. She didn't know how to handle this. Fang had been so good to her afterwards. She was always good to Vanille, even when she was being a troll.
After it sunk in that company was on its way Vanille scrambled to pick up whatever clutter there was. Fight or not, she didn't need him seeing hers and Fang’s delicates strewn about. It took her a good ten minutes to make the place look habitable. Her heart raced, a combination of nerves and adrenaline. She sat on the arm of the couch, finding that she was dreading whatever was to come.
When she heard the knock at the door she sat frozen for a moment. What was she even going to say? Vanille didn't know how to be mad at people. Sure, she could get upset but she hardly ever lashed out at others. She was more embarrassed and ashamed of how she had lashed out at Noctis.
Vanille mustered up the courage to answer the door. She was greeted with a plate of cookies and an apology. Not what she was expecting. “Oh… um,” she started lamely, awkwardly taking the plate. “Thanks,” she said in a small voice. As usual, Vanille was a stark contrast to Noctis. Where he wore mostly black, she was in her usual brights. Even in a crappy mood, she couldn't shake the outfits.
She swallowed heavily, looking down at the plate because it seemed better to look at it than at Noctis. “Well… I shouldn't have lashed out liked I did,” she admitted, her voice still very quiet. Leave it to Vanille to find reason to blame herself.
"— what?" Noctis stared at Vanille, completely taken off-guard. This wasn't how he'd imagined the conversation going. What was she even talking about? "I lashed out at you," he reminded her. He could have recited the whole thing if she wanted — that was how much he'd agonized over his behavior afterward, reading and re-reading the evidence of his absolutely shittastic choice of words.
Noctis resisted the urge to cross his arms, knowing it would make him seem closed off and defensive. That's definitely not what he wanted, even if the whole situation made him really nervous. "You were just defending yourself, Vanille. And I wouldn't fucking let up." He watched as she continued to avoid his gaze and felt his heart sink a little. She's really uncomfortable, Noctis realized, and he could hardly blame her. How could he expect anyone to want to be around him if he acted so poorly?
"I'm gonna go," he decided out loud. It was the right thing to do. But he had one last thing to say before he (possibly) never spoke to Vanille again. "I just — I want you to know it's okay if you can't forgive me. Alright? Don't feel like you have to. I was really cruel to you, and you don't deserve that. From anyone, ever." Noctis waited a moment, worry warring with sadness, before he turned to leave.
“Yes, but you wouldn't have said those things if there wasn't truth to it, right?” It was the same thing she had said to Fang. Vanille did turn to Fang when there was trouble. She was that person Vanille could always rely on. That one person Vanille trusted completely. As perky and outgoing as Vanille was, she didn't divulge certain things to people. Her Brand being one of them. No one needed to know about that because that was Vanille's battle. She allowed Fang to be involved because she had been involved from the start. They were a team.
Vanille nodded once as he spoke. She hadn't fully looked at him yet because it felt awkward. Her fingers played with the wrapping on the plate as he spoke. It gave her something to do, something to focus on. She took in a deep, staggering breath. She hated fighting. Both literally and figuratively. There had been too much fighting in her life and she hated it. She just wanted everyone to get alone. She wanted a normal life.
When he said he was leaving she finally looked up at him, confused about why he was leaving so suddenly. She took a single step forward and reached out to grab onto his arm. “Don't go,” she said. “I don't want to lose you.” She couldn't lose anymore people.
Noctis was so surprised to feel Vanille's hand that he jolted a little bit like a skittish cat, half-turning sharply to stare at her. People didn't touch him. Prompto had been the only person in his entire life who even attempted to initiate contact regularly, and after he'd been trapped in a magic crystal for ten years with no other human contact, touching could sometimes be ... stressful for him. And yet, the longer he stood there, the easier it was to calm his racing heart. It didn't feel wrong to be touched by Vanille. Because I trust her, Noctis realized, surprised by the thought — and then guilty all over again. He had to swallow hard to stop from crying, which was so embarrassing. What kind of person showed up to apologize only to almost lose it themselves? He was really mucking this whole thing up.
"Vanille," he began, voice a little hoarse. Noctis reached to carefully, gingerly hold her hand, the one that she'd reached out to him with, crossing boundaries even she didn't know about. And then he gazed at her steadily. "You won't lose me. I'm never going to leave unless you tell me to. Yeah, there was some truth to what I said before. But that's no reason to say it the way I did, you know?" He inhaled, a little shakily, before continuing. "You're really important to me. I want to stay friends, and I want to prove to you that I can do better."
While Noctis might be skittish about others touching him, Vanille had the opposite reaction. She enjoyed that closeness with others. A major reason being that she didn't know how long she had before eventually turning into a mindless monster. She wanted to enjoy life while she could, even if she felt the crushing guilt of having to destroy something. She was certain that's what her Focus was, yet again, but she hadn't been given a vision to confirm. At least this time around she hadn't lied about that.
Part of her expected him to throw her hand off of him, judging by how he seemed so startled at her touch. She felt relieved when he held her hand instead and she finally, finally offered a little smile. She let him speak, unsure exactly how to respond, but she nodded slowly. At least she was looking at him now instead of avoiding his gaze. She took in a slow, steady breath. “Okay…. I can agree to that. And you're really important to me, too,” she said.
Noctis blew out a breath, visibly relieved. "Cool," he said, and if his voice was a little shaky, well. It couldn't exactly be helped. He might not have realized it, but this whole fiasco had triggered his own issues with abandonment, too. The irrational worry that his friends would someday find out what an imposter he really was — that they'd leave him like his mother had, and his father, and even Luna, even though Noctis knew that none of them had left because of him. But it was hard to shake messages like that when you were too young to understand what was going on. Before you could process trauma past This is my fault and I'm the reason why people are unhappy.
At least he tried to offer Vanille a weak smile now. "I meant what I said about the cookies, but if they turn out to be awful, I'll try again. I ... never tried baking before this," Noctis admitted, glancing down at the plate between them skeptically. Ignis had always cooked for all of them, and while he'd assisted here and there with the task, dessert was a whole different experience for him. He'd nearly burned the apartment building down during his first try.
For Vanille it was a matter of losing a close friend over something that could be discussed and figured out. It was new territory for her. There had been quite a bit of new territory for her over the last several weeks, especially the last week and a half. Vanille liked talking with people and learning about them. She was genuinely interested in others and their lives. She just wanted her friends to be happy and safe. Vanille wasn't going anywhere without a fight. Or maybe dragged away kicking and screaming. Hell, she'd pull her Death spell on someone trying to harm her friends, but thank goodness she didn't need to worry over that. No, Vanille didn't have any plans to abandon any of her friends, old and new.
Vanille looked amused at his confession about the cookies and how he didn't bake. She squeezed his hand, “I'm sure I'll love them. I'm not so bad myself, maybe not the best, but I could always show you.” It was an invitation to mend their recent fight. She also felt relieved that this conversation hadn't been as horrendous as she had anticipated. Before she knew about the cookies, she thought maybe he was still upset with her. That was just her personal insecurities seeping through. She seemed to be thinking something before she glanced around him. “Why don't you come in?” She didn't think discussing her Brand or her past were something to be discussed in the open.
Noctis smiled. It was a rare thing, and it was slow to appear, but when it did, the expression was warm and genuine. "I'd like that," he replied, pleased by the idea that Vanille actually wanted to spend time with him despite their fight. It was humbling, if he were being honest with himself. She was really too kind for him — but then, so was Prompto, and all his other friends from home, too. That would be a thought for another day. For now, he pushed the familiar feeling of self-doubt down and locked it away, working hard to focus on the here and now. Noctis had a tendency of getting too caught up in his own head, and he didn't want that to happen with Vanille. Not when their friendship was still so new, so fragile.
"I — yeah. Okay." He felt awkward again when following Vanille into her apartment. It wasn't like Noctis visited a whole lot before, though he'd been over once or twice. The place seemed cozy enough. Lived in. Cleaner than his apartment with Prompto, although he was getting better at tidying up. Noctis realized a moment too late that he'd been gazing over everything, and he felt himself blush a little bit, embarrassed. "Uh." Really eloquent. "So how're you and Fang?" That was probably neutral territory.
Vanille almost made a comment about him smiling before because he had a nice smile, but she withheld herself saying that. She didn’t think it was appropriate telling people when to smile or how often. Maybe when they were better friends. Right now, right after they decided to start mending last night’s hurt feelings, was not the time. She didn’t even comment on it, she just returned the smile with one of her own. “We can start with chocolate chip. I found a really great recipe. And they’re usually easier than a lot of the others.”
She lead him into the apartment and made a beeline for the kitchen. “Make yourself comfortable,” she called out. Maybe things weren’t entirely fixed here, and she expected this to take some time, but at least they weren’t yelling at each other. She stopped just as she got to the entrance to the kitchen, her cheeks suddenly flushed at the question. It was purely innocent, but somehow it made her blush all the same. She leaned against the doorframe and looked over to him. “Good, we’re good. Things are… really good,” she said awkwardly, not wanting to go into details, because things were good between her and Fang. But people don't generally discuss… certain things… and she couldn’t help her mind going to certain things briefly. “Want one?” she asked, holding up the plate of cookies because it changed the topic.
Noctis looked thoughtful. "How are they easier to make?" He wondered aloud, trying to wrap his brain around the concept. The only reason why he'd chosen sugar cookies in the first place was because the recipe was the top hit on Google. If he'd known chocolate chip would be easier ... He blinked, realizing she seemed flustered for some reason. Had he said something wrong? And then it clicked, which made Noctis smirk a little bit. "That good, huh?" He didn't push any further — wouldn't have anyway, even if they didn't just have a fight — but it made him very happy to see Vanille like this. She deserved to be with someone who made her ridiculously happy, just like she so effortlessly made other people. It made him feel another twinge of guilt, but this time, it had nothing to do with Vanille.
He made a face when she offered him one of his cookies. "Uhhh yeah, I guess? Sure." It'd probably look bad if he didn't at least try something he'd made for her, but Noctis had never really been able to judge his own work fairly. It would never be good enough. So he plucked one off the plate and ate the entire thing in one go, leaning against the doorframe so that the weight would ease off his bad leg. Noctis chewed, swallowed, and shrugged.
Vanille shrugged, not realizing he wasn't really asking but answered anyway. “I don't know. They just seem easier,” she said thoughtfully. She had made so many different things and she had gone back to chocolate chip quite a bit. They were probably easier because she had made them so much. Vanille smiled a little shyly at his additional question and nodded once without elaborating.
Vanille held the plate out and took one after him. Unlike him, she took a bite without devouring hers in one bite. Her eyebrows raised as she eyebrows before pointing out, “Keep that up, you'll choke on your food.” There was a joke in there, but she was also serious. She grinned then and took another bite. “They're very good, Noctis,” she said thoughtfully.
Noctis rolled his eyes, but he was smiling a little again, so that had to count for something. "Yes, mom," he replied, clearly teasing. He crossed his arms as he watched her try one of the cookies right after, trying to play it off like he wasn't super invested in the verdict. Whether Vanille could tell that about him or not was anyone's guess. He was surprised when she said she liked it, though. "Really?" Noctis burst out before he could stop himself, then flushed. "I mean — cool. Whatever."
By now, his leg was starting to really hurt. He didn't like asking for help from anyone, but there was being stubborn and then there was being stupid, and Noctis was learning the line between them was very thin. "Um," he started, then stopped. "I'm just gonna —" Awkward as ever, he picked a chair in the kitchen at random and sat, exhaling a soft, relieved breath. That was better. "How's the job?" Noctis asked right after, not wanting to make Vanille uncomfortable. They could talk about safe topics, not the metal brace that encased his left leg. Not to mention he was genuinely interested in how she liked working with animals every day.
Vanille made a face, “Hey, somebody's got to say it,” she joked. She was serious about taking his time eating, but she wasn't going to play anyone's mom. She preferred having fun and not having to police anyone. Of course, right now she didn't feel much like having any fun since their argument. Fang had been comforting. She had brought ice cream and voiced her own opinion. That was what mattered most to Vanille. She blinked, startled by the outburst, but then chuckled. “Yeah, it's good. Did you expect it to be awful?”
Vanille was unaware of the situation with his leg or how it pained him to stand too long, otherwise she would have offered a seat sooner. She smiled and took a seat opposite him, setting the plate in the center of the table. “Oh, I love it,” she said enthusiastically. “It's nice working with animals every day.” She finished her cookie, thinking to herself as she did so. When she was finished she wiped her hands with a napkin. “I know this is really off topic, but has Prompto ever mentioned my Brand?” She had told the other man about it and he had expressed concern by what it meant if it started to glow. She wasn't sure if he had ever entrusted that information to Noctis.
"Maybe not awful," Noctis mumbled, but he didn't elaborate. A warmth had settled in him — he was pleased she liked it, and that his efforts had paid off. So he listened to her talk about the job with a calm he hadn't felt in a long time. That was probably why her sudden change in topic surprised him. Noctis' eyebrows went up slightly. "No? I mean, you mentioned that word when we ..." fought. He shifted, uncomfortable with the reminder. "Prompto hasn't said anything about it to me." At the time, he'd been too wrapped up in his own frustration to ask her what she'd meant. Now, though, he was careful not to push Vanille in case she didn't actually want to elaborate, so Noctis remained silent, waiting for her to make that decision.
Vanille just smiled lightly at that. “Just gotta keep practicing if you want to perfect it,” she encouraged. It would have been easy for Vanille to go on and on about her job and just much she enjoyed it. However, there were some things he needed to be aware of and now was as good a time as any. “Basically if it starts to glow it means my time is running out to complete my Focus. And if I don't complete it I'll turn into a Cie’th, which is basically a mindless monster.” She was telling him partly because he was important to her and partly because she trusted him. He could take it however he wanted, but she felt he should know.
The only reaction from Noctis was that he sat up straighter to give Vanille his full attention, hands clasped atop the table. "What's the Focus?" He asked, because that seemed like the most important part of this new information, and the thing he could potentially help with. His brow was knit just a little, but in concentration and concern, not pity. Never pity.
Vanille drew in a slow breath as she considered his question. She tried to remember something, anything that might indicate to her what it could possibly be. She then shook her head, “I don't know this time. I didn't have a vision when I woke up from crystal stasis this time. For all I know, I don't have one this time. But knowing the gods, that can't be the case. Besides,” she rubbed her Brand absently, which was on her left upper leg, out of sight for anyone else, “it's still there. It's not scorched like Fang’s. I just,” she shrugged, “I thought you should be in on this since Fang and Prompto are.”
Noctis blew out a shaky breath, leaning back in his chair. "Sorry. Didn't mean to pry." He continued to gaze at her steadily, the cogs already turning in his head. Like hell he'd just leave her to face this. Not to mention it hit too close to home — the crystal stasis, the unavoidable fate determined by the will of the Gods. Noctis felt sick to know other people were facing the same thing he did, even if in a different capacity. It wasn't right. "I appreciate you telling me," he said, still careful about how he approached this conversation. "If there's anything you need — I promise to help however I can."
Vanille shook her head, “You're not prying.” People tended to want to help her and Fang complete her Focus, or else to help Vanille avoid a fate worse than death. It had a lot to do with her way of being a friend to everyone, how she wanted to keep everyone safe and wanted everyone to get along and be good to each other. What point was there being down about her possible fate? Vanille might deep down wish she didn't have this fate, but it didn't often bring her down. There were times when she felt stuck or hopeless, but she tended to keep that to herself. She considered his words, letting them sink in. She smiled, maybe a little sadly, “All I really want is my friends to be happy.”
"But what about your happiness?" Noctis was leaning forward again, though he didn't realize he was doing it. This was the sort of thing that always broke through his carefully practiced calm. It made him want to do something. To help. "You deserve to think about yourself once in awhile. So does everyone. What do you want? Just Vanille. Nobody else." Naturally, that this could extend to Noctis himself simply didn't occur to him. But then, none of his advice ever did. It figured.
At the question, Vanille fell silent. It wasn’t that she didn’t know what would make her happy, but that she was confused. Making everyone around her happy and making them smile, that did make her happy. “I’ve already got what I want,” she said simply. “I’m with Fang. I have friends I enjoy being around. I have the best job I could ever imagine. There’s not much more that could make life any better, except getting rid of my Brand.”
There it was. Noctis nodded, his expression totally serious. "Okay. Then that's what we're gonna do." He spoke with such conviction — an absolute certainty that this was a thing he could give Vanille despite any obstacle that stood in their way. He even felt calmer after, mostly because this was a task he could work and progress on. That's what always helped Noctis stay centered even when he felt like falling apart. Vanille wanted something he could research and potentially give. To him, there was nothing more satisfying than that.