InsaneJournal

Tonks was looking at her little phone when she got Charlie’s texts. She didn’t want to answer right away and seem eager to please him. But she did, because she was excited that staying away riled him up. She always needed people to prove their love to her. She was insecure. She felt like she did all the loving in her relationships. Everything was one sided. Part of her wondered if Sirius would care if she disappeared. He wasn’t even HER Sirius.

When she told him “fuck you” she got up immediately and pulled her boots on. A wave of her wand and a jacket appeared, incidentally one of Charlie’s that she borrowed since she didn’t have one here, it was summer when she last checked her world.

With a shout out to Myron, she stomped out of the house and walked to the Burrow. She still wasn’t sure if apparating was safe or okay around these parts. It also gave her time to think about what she wanted to say to him. By the time she made it there, her mind went blank.

So she did what she felt like doing. Which was nearly kicking down the door and then slamming it closed behind her. “Oi! Weasley!” --Wait, there were a couple of those here, “Charlie! Get your ass down here!” No answer. She must have missed him, that bastard said he was going with the trash panda to drink. Fuck.

She sat down at the dinner table and put her feet up on another chair. Her head fell backwards and she let out a groan of frustration. Eventually she moved up to her room to tidy up and put Charlie’s coat back. Then she heard the door and went storming down the stairs. “Charlie is that you?!”

All in all, his ending things with Emmeline that afternoon ended up not being the worst part of his day. While he had felt heavy hearted as he'd done so, and there was aspects of disappointment on both sides, he felt as though he'd done the right thing. It was wrong to string along Emmeline when he knew his heart was still Snow's. He didn't even necessarily know if he was going to try to rekindle his relationship with Snow. If he was it certainly wasn't going to be for some time. The trouble there was that the issues they'd run into during their time together previously in the year were still very relevant.

Snow was still immortal. Charlie was not. Bigby could arrive at any point in time. And, if Snow and Charlie were to be together upon his arrival, Charlie would not only not try to persuade Snow to stay with him; he'd actively encourage her to go to Bigby. While he loved Snow, more than he'd realized before her disappearance, he couldn't try to replace Bigby. He wouldn't want to. Being with Snow would feel like always looking over his shoulder and wondering if today was the day her husband would show up.

It was difficult. After all, there was always the chance he'd never arrive. And was it right for Snow to be all alone just on the off chance the Pod God's would grant her back her true soul mate? That was the trouble of it all. The Pod God. The tear in reality. Fate. Whatever you chose to call it. They had no control over the variables. It was trying to function in chaos and it was breaking Charlie at every turn.

He'd gotten to the point where all he wanted to be was numb. He knew this was an issue. He knew he drank too much. He knew he should have been happy at the increased influx of his family and friends. And yet he wasn't. He was looking at things as though the glass were half empty. Sure, everyone he loved was coming back, but he'd been through this before. They'd come back, he'd get used to them, and then they'd all be gone again. It was a cycle and he'd lived it time and again by now. A lot of them had. Charlie wasn't special in this.

It would have been easier if it didn't feel as though fate, or what have you, was purposefully trying to fuck with him. He'd opened himself up to the potential of a relationship with Emmeline. She got taken away twice. He did so again with Rose. She got sent away. He found himself drawn to Snow and then Rose returned. Snow got sent away and he tried to cope with the universe with Emmeline.

And then Snow came back.

Every positive forward motion he'd tried to do was simply cast aside by factors outside of his control. He couldn't do anything about it and he didn't know how to fix it. But one thing he did know? He knew he didn't want to talk about it.

But Tonks was pushing. Tonks always fucking pushed. It felt like deja vu. Hadn't he been in this very argument with Nymphadora twice over by now? The variables were different but the general theme was the same. Tonks hadn't been with him through years of universe hopping and yet she wanted to help him. He recognized she wanted to help. He just didn't know how to explain himself and while he ultimately had several times before, he was tired. He was tired of rehashing all the pain he'd been through at the hands of the Pod God. He just wanted to be grateful she was here.

He wasn't very good at showing he was grateful. If he was honest, he knew this, and Tonks was right to call him out. Or to a degree.

All of this was going on, as well, in the backdrop of the situation with the Gremlins. Everything about that felt reminiscent of the dragon. It wasn't as painful but it brought back shockwaves of memories. These memories had propelled his mood, and the fear of Tonks being gone had escalated it, so he'd been less than kind in his messages.

Of course, after he'd gone out for drinks with Rocket, he hadn't actually expected Tonks to be waiting. He had hoped she'd be asleep or at Myron's. He didn't expect to open the Burrow door and hear her shouting down at him, when others might already be asleep. His eyes shifted up the stairs and a scowl came to him. "It is one in the morning," he said, not as loud, but with a harsh tone.

Tonks threw her hands up in the air. “I don’t care what fucking time it is!” She didn’t know why Charlie was blocking her. She knew he put others first most of the time, or thought he was stronger and everyone was weak and couldn’t handle it. So he just didn’t tell anyone what was wrong. Play it off like nothing was wrong. Tonks could tell. She had known Charlie since Hogwarts, maybe even before that, the way her dad hung around Arthur and Molly. She couldn’t remember. All she knew is that Charlie was always there.

Knowing that she was just another appearance made her feel inadequate. She felt he didn’t appreciate her, didn’t love her. She shoved her feelings into little compartments that way. When Sirius died, she turned that childlike love into romantic feelings for Remus. Now she was here and Remus didn’t want her, so she was bearing down on Charlie. It was stretching the boundaries a bit, what she expected of him. Did she love him more than a friend? Or was she just doing that thing again, where she morphed her love into something else. Metamorphmaguses, right? Always changing things. Always moving and pulling and pushing at the people around them.

She didn’t want to think about that now, because Charlie had a girl. And it would be like kissing your brother, wouldn’t it? No no, shove that shit back inside. She didn’t love him, she didn’t. Not like that.

Tonks noticed the tone and squinted at him, “Don’t speak to me like that.” Ungrateful, she thought. She was a gift, wasn’t she? Jesus Tonks, way to talk yourself up. Ginny was here now, too, why didn’t he appreciate that? Maybe it wasn’t just her. So she needed to know what was causing him to act like such a fucking grumpy old man.

He pushed the door closed behind him. It hadn't been intentional to slam it but it certainly made a booming sound through the house. And with one step forward, Charlie stopped, his hand reaching out to steady himself against the wall. For that brief moment, things felt as though they were swimming, and he cursed himself for that one last drink; as if that was what was making the world sway. He sucked in a breath, letting the moment past, before he lifted his head and was moving now for the stair.

"We are not the only people here," he said, louder now, as he moved just to the bottom of the steps. He gripped the railing and glared up at her.

"Says the one screaming at the door opening," he then replied, tone still harsh.

“Are you drunk? Jesus, Charlie.” She put one hand on her forehead and smoothed her hair back. It was long and brown and a little greasy looking. She hadn’t showered at Myron’s.

“I know we’re not the only ones here but-- Stop talking to me like that!” Tonks’ voice was getting louder now, she didn’t often screech at people but Charlie deserved this. (Did he?) “Do you take note of everyone that’s here every day? Take attendance? Is that how you realized I was gone?” She sounded pissed now and very aware that she sounded like a brat. But she couldn’t stop herself.

"Oh, don't you even," he immediately barked, a tone of defense in his voice. And a smidge of guilt. He was drunk but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And had been in the past. It was functional. He could walk. He got Rocket home and he got himself home.

And the only reason he felt sick was the multitudes of cheesecake that he'd digested while drinking.

He took the next few steps, meeting Tonks now, and he glared at her. "There are four other people here. I damn well think one of them is likely here!" Then he moved to go past her, up the stairs, shoving his way to make sure he did. He took them faster than he should and his stomach gave another turn of protest. But he didn't stop.

He didn't turn back to look at her as he made his way for his room.

When he shoved, Tonks let out a noise of surprise. Her face contorted into a scowl and she followed him quickly, hot on his heels. “Don’t you dare walk away from me!” Her wand was in her room, but by Merlin if it was in her hand, she would do something regretful.

She went to grab for his arm as they reached his room and she would jerk it towards her. Tonks and Charlie have wrestled before but never as an expression of anger.

He had his back to her, hand pressed to the wall to guide him still, and he gave a roll of his eyes at the statement. He hadn't asked for this. He could understand her being angry. He hadn't necessarily handled his question to her earlier well. He could have been nicer. He could explained why he wanted to know that she was safe. He chose not to and so her anger made sense to him. But it wasn't alright to screech at him, in the middle of the night, and to make this the business of everyone else.

Hearing another voice chime in from the floor above, and recognizing it to be his sister (which could end with either or both of them facing a nasty bat bogey hex), he'd turn to look at Tonks. When she grabbed his arm, pulling it to her, he yanked back himself. His hand turned upwards, taking hold of her arm now himself, and he pulled her into his room. The door slammed.

And he knew now that nothing else would be heard. He had plenty of noise charms up from necessity of nights with Emmeline. "What the hell is your problem!" He demanded once the door was shut.

She heard Ginny and sighed. Well, Charlie was right. People were here and trying to sleep. Before she could shout sorry (and she would, she was ungraceful like that), he grabbed her. Again she made a small noise, startled by his manhandling her.

“You first, asshole.” Tonks rubbed her arm, making a big deal out of nothing. As if she were hurt. She wasn’t, but her feelings were. “I’ve been asking you over and over what’s wrong.” All of it was crashing into her at once. The yelling, the grabbing, the tone of hatefulness in his voice. Tonks’ eyes threaten to let loose a flood. Her lip quivered and she stood up straight. No, he might get satisfaction in making her cry. She steeled herself.

"You don't get to demand answers out of me!" He shouted now. The door was shut and he didn't have to worry about being polite now. His eyes dropped to her arm, momentarily, with a flicker of concern. He hadn't actually hurt her, had he? No. He hadn't. Still, he took a step backwards, putting distance between them.

“I shouldn’t have to! You should tell me them! It’s me, Charlie. Your best friend. Or has that changed?” He took a step back and she wanted to reach out for him but didn’t. Instead, she just dropped her arms at her sides. There was guilt on her face, for making him think he hurt her.

He was stepping back even further and while the look of concern, of worry, was still there, the anger flashed back. He narrowed his eyes once again. "No!" He boomed, his hands being tossed up in frustration. "What, what do you want me to tell you? Where do you want to start, Tonks? You want to start with how I was afraid you were gone, again, only to find out you were trying to test to see if I was paying attention? You think I'm not paying attention? After you've disappeared on me more times than I can even count anymore? Is that what you want!"

"Or, would you rather, I tell you how I spent my week watching over creatures I had no knowledge of how to help. How we couldn't just get them to a rescue so they'd be safe and we'd be safe? How actually killing them the other night was so hard for me? How this isn't even the first time I've been put into this type of situation?"

"Or, I know. How about we talk about how a person I love was yanked away from me, sent to a universe where I'm just a footnote in a bloody children's book, and how I thought I wasn't ever going to see her again. And how MONTHS went by and suddenly she is back and her memory is as if she was just with me the day before. And how it's happened to me twice?" By the end he was shouting, but he was still in his corner, and by the end his voice was cracking. "So, tell me, Nymphadora, where do you want to fucking start?"

She interrupted for a moment, “I wasn’t testing you, I was giving you the space you were signalling you needed.” She frowned then, feeling a little shit on for getting out of his way.

Tonks listened hard to the rest of it and covered her mouth with her hand. She knew Charlie loved animals, especially ones that were where they weren’t supposed to be. He had a good heart for animals everyone hated. She didn’t think that would such a toll on him, she didn’t know about the other time he’d been put into the situation.

She slumped to the ground with her knees to her chest. With a crooked smile, she asked, “Was that so hard?” Tonks was still learning names of people around here, so she wasn’t sure who Charlie’s love was. She was afraid to ask. “Who is this woman? She was taken away twice? Or was it two different women?”

Her look of concern was magnified now from the floor and she held her arms up as a child would, wanting to be carried. “Come here, please.”

It had felt like testing him. Maybe he had read it wrong. He wasn't in the best spot, after all, and it wasn't like he didn't recognize he wasn't in a good spot. He was just trying to keep his head above water, as the saying went. He didn't bother trying to argue against her on that.

He watched as she slumped to the ground. They'd not had a real row like this. The last time he remembered arguing with Tonks, back home, was about Remus. And that argument hadn't been anywhere close to this because his concern was only her and her well being. He'd gently expressed concern about her so willingly forgiving Remus after only days before she'd been crying at Charlie over what Remus had done. But Charlie hadn't yelled during that. He didn't think they'd had any rows like this as children, just silly arguments.

How many times had he and her had arguments here? Of all the times she'd come and gone? Too many.

He didn't move to her. His jaw was still set and his hand kept pumping into a fist by his side. "I didn't want to talk about it," he reminded her. He didn't want to be pushed into talking. He was angry about that, too. "It doesn't matter."

So quickly, again, he was trying to seal himself up. He took in a breath with her request. He didn't know if he wanted to. But, he did. Moving to her, he shifted, sliding down the wall to sit by her side. "I need you to stop pushing me," he then said, with pleading eyes. "Please."

The witch’s eyes were glassy and ready to spill when he said it doesn’t matter and that he didn’t want to talk about it. It did matter! Tonks kept her hands in the air for him until he came over and sat by her. Once he was next to her, she immediately went to lay her head on his chest, her hand over his waist-- it allowed and not pushed away.

Her voice quivered when she finally spoke up, letting the silence hang in the air like a bad smell. “O-okay. I just worry about you. You’re my dearest friend, Charlie Weasley. I would do just about anything for you.” She sniffled as sucked in a breath as tears started to trail down her face, “I’m sorry I keep disappearing. I’m sorry I can’t help you. I’m sorry you’ve been here so long. I wouldn’t do it if I could stop it. I just feel like you don’t appreciate me because I’m just another Tonks that came along. That you’ve closed yourself off to me in case I go again.”

Charlie exhaled when she buried her face against his chest. Begrudgingly, his arm shifted to wrap around her shoulders, letting his hand rest against her upper arm. He leaned down and pressed his lips against the top of her head before giving her a slight squeeze.

Then his eyes shut as she spoke. Instinctively, he moved his hand to begin stroking her hair as she got it out, all the while swallowing so the lump in his throat would go away. "I don't hold it against you," he whispered down to her, opening his eyes so he could look at her form in his arms, even though she wasn't looking at him.

She wasn't necessarily wrong about part of that. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate her. He did. But he had closed himself off. At least, to a degree. He sighed. "I'm sorry I've made you feel that way," was what he chose to say. "I didn't mean to."

Tonks hadn’t cried in awhile. She really felt like it a few times since she got here, but she wasn’t the crying type. She allowed herself this one because of Charlie, because even though they were fighting, she felt safe right then. And it felt good to let it out, over all the stuff that had happened to her lately.

The cry had gone away though, and she was sniffling a little and trying to center herself. She let herself be held by Charlie and that was as far as she thought. Just be held.

“I know you don’t. I know it’s hard. I’m sorry, Charlie. I’m sorry.” Her face screwed up again for one moment like she might let out another sob. It was choked back. She raised a hand and wiped her face, careful not to disturb Charlie’s arms around her.


He continued to stroke her hair but his head fell back and rested against the wall. This hadn't really gotten them anywhere, had it? It had been like a pot boiling over. The water erupted and someone rushed to turn down the heat. He'd let out the smallest fraction of details about how he was feeling but then he'd slammed the lid down on the subject. He'd meant it when he said he didn't want to talk. There was too much history to go into and it was too much to deal with, especially in this moment where he still felt the sway of his earlier evening.

And the ache of what he'd come to realize was the necessary thing to do in regard to Emmeline.

He glanced down to her when she spoke. "It'll be okay, T," he promised, trying to muster a smile. He shifted his hand back to rest against her back. "Want to stay in here tonight? Have a sleepover like when we were kids?" He suggested.

They really hadn’t resolved anything. They just screamed at each other and apologized. Tonks felt a little bit better, after having a small crisis in her mind and a cry. Maybe that was all that mattered. They got shook up but they were still standing.

Well, not literally. Tonks pulled away from Charlie and wiped her face with the back of her hand. She smiled faintly at him when he called her T. “Yeah. I would like that.” She stood up, carefully untangling herself from Charlie and shuffled over to the bed. Throwing herself face down on it, she let out a sigh. “What are we going to do with ourselves, Charlie?” It was a rhetorical question really.

He'd have stood and offered his hand to her to help her up, but she'd managed before he'd been able to get to his feet himself. Pushing himself up off the ground, he watched as she flung herself on his bed, and smiled just a little. It reminded him of years ago when they were just students.

Before the world got turned upside down.

"I don't know about you, but I'm going to go shower. And maybe be sick," he said with an attempt at jest. He prayed she wouldn't start in on about that. "Don't hog the bed while I'm gone."