Eliot the Spectacular (highkingeliot) wrote in thedisplaced, @ 2017-08-03 15:01:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log/thread, eliot waugh, kylo ren / ben solo |
Who: Eliot Waugh & Kylo Ren
When: Mid April (the very definition of backdated)
Where: Space Cruise, circa Pandora era
What: Kylo tells Eliot about General Hux, Han Solo and the events in TFA
Rating: Teen
Status: Complete
It was an incredibly unfair situation to find yourself in. When he'd been On the damn island, his father hadn't been there, so Kylo hadn't had to face him either older or younger, but here on this ship he was here and Kylo Ren was being forced to deal with the fact that he'd killed his father. And with that, came no small sense of unease either. If he were being honest, and it was slightly easier to be honest when one wasn't afraid that your Supreme Leader was overhearing every thought that you had, he wasn't entirely comfortable with the memory.
It had seemed like the thing he had to do at the time. Han Solo wasn't someone that Ben had ever gotten along with. He had been angry that he hadn't been there a lot of the time, that he couldn't even pretend to protect Ben when he needed it. So it had felt like the right decision at the time. It was a link to Ben's past. A personification of hopes Ben had and Kylo could lay waste to. You couldn't have a relationship with a dead man after all, as he knew well from the dead man he wishes he could have a relationship with. But then Han had touched him before he'd fallen and Kylo couldn't erase the look in his father's eyes.
And certainly he couldn't tell Han about any of this here.
He didn't know that he could talk to the man whose door he was standing in front of either, but Kylo needed to get out of his room and with Hux not here, really Eliot was the closest he'd come to someone he might trust at all. He stood for a moment until the door next to him opened and a woman exited the room looking askance at him. He pursed his lips together and knocked so she wouldn't think he was just creeping in the halls.
Eliot did his best not to spend a lot of time on his own. When he was on his own, and alone, his mind was able to wander and focus on the issues of his life. If he was in the company of others, he could ignore all of that and instead worry with their problems. He could talk about anything they needed. He was one who adapted easily and formed an opinion quickly. He'd interject his opinion as soon as it was formed and he'd tried to give advice where needed. Or, if they prefered, he'd help people find distractions.
He was the King of distractions, though this ship was proving to only allow him the more tame variety. There was no hidden drug scene here. He couldn't get into any weird space alien hallucinogens. This was probably for the best. After all, with where his mind went when he was alone, the appeal of hallucinogens were certainly high.
But, on those moments when he was alone, his mind wandered. He thought of Fillory. He thought of Fen. He wondered if he was still in that land, in the real spectrum of time, and if he'd come to trust the woman. HE wondered if they even found a way to be happy together. He hoped this was the case but dread was ever present when he thought of her. He couldn't shake it. Maybe it was the fact that he couldn't imagine himself being a good husband to a wife. Or the fact he didn't wish to be a parent yet and he knew that politics was going to force him to keep trying to sire a child. It made his head swim if he thought too long on it.
And if he let himself think too long of his circumstances, his memories would then slip further back, and he'd think of Mike. That was something he did his best not to do. It was a guarantee pit fall into depression and the more he thought of the man, the harder it was to pull himself up and out of that funk. It was better to not go anywhere near that area of his mind. It was better not to think about his memories at all. If only it were that easy.
Presently flipping through the network, with an almost glossed over expression of boredom, he tilted his head back to look at the cabin's door at the sound of the knock. He wasn't expecting company. Curious, he sat up quickly and made his way to the door, pulling it open. A smile came immediately and with ease.
"Kylo."
Kylo had half hoped for a moment that Eliot wouldn't be in his rooms. Granted, that really made no sense as it meant he'd stay alone, and have to try to figure out a way to not obsess over the places his mind was going right now, and obsessing was a good word for what he was doing. Eliot's smile and seeming pleasure in the fact that it was Kylo at his door was distraction enough to pull him out of the thoughts for a bit and that was something Kylo couldn't take for granted.
He straightened and looked straight into Eliot's eyes, offering a small smile back in return. It was the sort of smile that wasn't committing to the action, hardly pervasive, and it faded away almost as quickly as it came. He sought out Eliot's gaze and pushed hair back from his forehead.
"I didn't know if you'd be in," he offered as way of explanation for why he was there. Granted this was hardly an explanation and he seemed to realize that pretty quickly. "I needed to get out of my room." On the tip of his tongue was to ask if Eliot was busy, but Kylo suspected that Eliot would say if he couldn't come in, or if Eliot had to do something else, or if Kylo simply wasn't welcome, and it didn't seem that way. Kylo rather hoped that wasn't the case. "But you are here," he finished, feeling a little awkward.
Eliot had shifted so his arm was resting above his head, pressed against the side of the door, as he leaned against it to watch Kylo. As it was, Eliot had amassed a couple of friends on this ship, and Kylo had certainly been one of them. If, Eliot was being honest, Kylo was his favorite of the mass. Not that he'd ever say as much to Petunia or the others. No need for hurt feelings and all of that.
Still, he hadn't expected to see the man at his door anytime soon, so he was waiting for the explanation of the visit. Any answer was going to be acceptable enough for Eliot, it was just that his curiosity was raised.
"I couldn't find anything to occupy my time tonight," he offered in response. Usually, he did try to avoid being in this room unless he was sleeping. Then, he gave a nod of his head, understandingly. Eliot certainly got that. "Well, you've come to the right place. Come in," he said, stepping to the side and holding the door open for Kylo to enter.
"I can't promise there is much in the way of entertainment, here, but we can figure out something," he added.
Kylo's lips did honestly quirk at that. He had no complaint with the accommodations. They were as roomy as anything he'd had with the First Order. Certainly it was better than sharing a First Order tent with someone else nearly as tall as you were as he had done back on the Island with Hux. But even so, the rooms were hardly paradigms of entertainment. Most of that seemed to be elsewhere on the cruise ship, and that meant going out where there were people, and people might include Han or Leia, and they were the last people that Kylo wanted to see at the moment. He couldn't face more questions about being in the wedding, or try to once again refuse to say why he didn't want to be in it.
Kylo stepped in, glancing around. He didn't expect anything too exciting. It was a standard room, after all, and hardly something that could be personalized very much, but he still had never been in Eliot's space before. Frankly, it had been a while since he'd been in anyone's personal space like this. Which was a realization that made him wonder what on earth he was thinking. He pulled that thought to a close before it could spiral away as it was threatening to do.
"I would like to avoid… people," Kylo turned back towards Eliot. "But Millicent is only company for so long."
Eliot's space hadn't been modified much. He had one of the suites that had two twin beds in it. One bed, the one on the right, was completely made up and had nothing on top of the covers. If one looked closely at it, they'd notice the blankets were a bit rumpled, like someone had been sitting on it; as Eliot had been prior to Kylo's entrance. The other bed, however, had an array of clothing piled upon it. Eliot's practically entire wardrobe had come along with him, thanks to an extension charm on the backpack and his intense need for clothing options. However, since there wasn't much in the way of closets or drawers, he'd unpacked each piece and folded it nicely to rest on the spare bed.
It wasn't as though Margo really needed it now.
On the one desk, set two
crowns. They weren't placed on display as though Eliot wished for them to be seen and admired. No, instead, they were placed upon the desk as though it were the only appropriate place for them to rest.
Once Kylo had entered the room, Eliot shut the door. He wasn't much for eavesdroppers and paranoia made it so he believed it was always a possibility when a door was left open. Turning, he looked back to Kylo. "Alright," he said easily, motioning to the spare chair by the desk for Kylo, while he moved to sit on the edge of the uncluttered bed.
"There's enough people on this rig for it to get overwhelming, yeah?"
Kylo took the seat he'd been offered and settled into it. It was precisely the same as the spare chair in his own room, and truth be told it would have probably have been a bit more comfortable had he been about four or five inches shorter, but it was a seat and it wasn't as if there were options much in the rooms. They weren't made for living in, they were made for sleeping in, as most ships berths were - even those made for holiday and entertaining.
He noted the clothes and the crowns, but turned his attention back to Eliot without remarking on them.
"Most of them are strangers and they don't bother me," he offered, realising as he did, that he was basically admitting that the ones he did know were bothering him. He frowned slightly at this realisation and reconsidered his take. "I'm used to military ships, not civilian ones," he decided this might be a safer take. "People stay out of each other's way more, and there aren't all the frivolous things around. The food here is definitely better though, so I suppose I shouldn't complain too much."
He bounced his leg for a moment against the chair and then looked up at Eliot. "You like people though. I feel like you're always out."
Eliot took his seat on the bed, crossing a leg over top his knee, before finally threading his fingers together so his hands could rest casually in his lap. In this stance, Eliot waited. He didn't know if Kylo was going to feel up for talking or not but he certainly felt as though Kylo might need to. And if he was wrong, or if Kylo didn't open up quick enough, Eliot was prepared to start conversation in that direction.
He tilted his head just slightly when Kylo did speak. His mind flashed to the festivities on Pandora. Eliot had been social that night, dancing with more than his share of fellow shipmates, but he'd also kept the largest percentage of his time dedicated to Kylo. And he'd witnessed just enough interaction between Kylo and his family to assume that it was plausible they were bothering him now; as they'd bothered him that night. But, for now, he chose not to comment on that. "There isn't recreation or entertainments on the military ships?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "I always got the impression there was. 'Course, in more of a below decks, Top Gun sort of way," he added. And then he remembered that Kylo wouldn't know what Top Gun meant, so he hesitated for a moment, waving his hand down in a roll a couple times while he tried to think of an explanation. "Oh...you know. Specifically done when someone of command isn't around," he finally managed.
Then he smiled an enormous grin. "I do like people," he agreed. Of course, what the truth was, was that Eliot didn't like to be alone. People, of any sort, were used as a crutch. "'Course, I suppose one could say that it's more I like the attention. It wouldn't be inaccurate." This was also true of him.
"But, really, I only have strangers on this ship," he then offered up, seeming a bit more earnest in his words. Everything else had been true, but this was more a piece of information about how Eliot was truly managing on the ship. He was surrounded by people, and he enjoyed having plenty of possibilities in his socializing, but he still felt rather alone.
Kylo raised an eyebrow. He suspected that the troopers did do… things… when command wasn't around. He was vaguely aware of some of that, although he didn't spend much time thinking about what they did. It wasn't any of his business what they got up to so long as they were where they were commanded to be. Right now though, he wondered what that might be like.
"I am command," he pointed out to Eliot. And it wasn't maybe strictly speaking true, but it wasn't as if anyone was going to be interested in doing anything remotely social with him anymore than they would with Hux. "Hux and I do things sometimes," he shrugged. If you counted Hux being annoyed by his presence, telling him to go do something else, and grousing at him. But last time he'd been someplace like this, Hux had been there, and they had done some things. His cheeks felt warm as he remembered some of what had happened in the tent.
"In a way I only have strangers here," he frowned. "My… Han doesn't know me, he's too young, and others likely wish they didn't know me." He wasn't certain why he was sharing all of this with Eliot, but maybe it was the fact that Eliot had only strangers, and Kylo didn't have many people who cared to do anything other than antagonize him and at least Eliot had not been interested in doing that. It was something.
"I've never been good with people, or crowds, or strangers." He could make them do what he needed them to do, of course. He could manipulate them, sometimes with words and sometimes with the Force, but feeling comfortable with was a different matter entirely, and he nearly always felt as if he was lacking. There were a few exceptions. So far Eliot was possibly proving to be one of those exceptions. "We could go out if you want though," he offered, hesitant.
He glanced towards Kylo and thought for a moment. "Then the flip side. Things you do when those under your command aren't around to bare witness," he offered up. He figured there was always activities to be done when certain types of people weren't around. When he was in Brakebills, he avoided letting the staff and teachers see some of his exploits; as well as some of the newest underclassmen. In Fillory? He supposed he wasn't going to let every peasant and farmer bare witness to his galas. He wasn't sure yet, having had no actual memories of his time as a ruler.
He just had one memory as King and that pertained to Fen. And it made him frown. Not that he didn't think Fen was a sweet girl. He just didn't like everything surrounding their situation. Political marriages didn't sit well on one's conscious. And then, of course, there was the fact that he felt a heaping side of guilt the entire night he'd spent with the girl. As if he was deceiving her and himself. It was complicated.
"What did you and Hux like to do?" He asked. He was still trying to fish out the importance of Hux. The General. But he didn't want to ask too many questions, so this seemed like a good chance to ask about him.
He didn't necessarily frown as Kylo offered up more information about his family but he did seem like he was sympathetic to Kylo's plight. "If they wish that, then they don't deserve you," he told him, speaking from experience. He'd once had similar words expressed to him and they'd helped him to accept his situation.
"I could help you with that, if you wanted," he offered. He'd done wonders on Quentin's social skills, after all. Then he shook his head. "No. Or at least, not right now." He paused for a moment. "I'd rather we do something you are more comfortable with and I don't think venturing out further onto the ship is the answer."
It might have been an easier question at home, because the answer would have been that he and Hux didn't like to do anything. Except that wasn't entirely true either, and it certainly hadn't been true here. His relationship with Hux was complicated - the two certainly yelled at each other frequently enough. But Hux had also saved him off of Starkiller, and when they had both arrived at the Island, which Kylo now remembered, they'd stayed together as if they were best friends.
And perhaps in his own way, Hux had been a true friend. He'd been interested in what was happening with Kylo's grandparents - okay, he'd bothered Kylo about it, but that was still interest - and he had wanted them to stay together - which might have been fear of being alone, but that still was something - and the two had ended up physically quite a bit closer as well.
But that left Kylo with some uncertainty about what to say. His cheeks flushed slightly as he glanced down at his boots. "We both carry out the Supreme Leader's orders," he said. "And we argue about the best way to do that rather a lot. But he has some good ideas. Don't tell him I said so. I mean, if he ever arrives."
He stopped, pulled a breath in and looked back up, to consider Eliot's words about his family. He supposed Eliot didn't know what had happened with Han, why would he?
"Most people who are here that know me think I'm the bad guy," he decided to fill him in a little bit. "They'd think Hux is as well. So, they don't want to know me, because they have that conception."
Eliot leaned forward a bit, having caught the sight of the flushed cheeks as Kylo looked down at his boots. "That's work, though. What did you like to do when you weren't worrying about command? Or the Supreme Leader? Free time and the like?" But then Eliot nodded his head in agreement. "I won't say a word, if and when he arrives."
His head tilted slightly to the side. "Yeah, I figured," he admitted, with a slight sense of uncertainty. He didn't want to lie to Kylo. He liked him well enough to want to be honest. Allowing a few moments of silence to pass, he cleared his throat, in order to explain. "I don't know much about you, back home, but it's kind of impossible not to know about your Grandfather. He was viewed as a bad guy in my world, too."
He hesitated. "Of course, I don't think things are that simple. You can't divide people into categories of good and bad."
Looking now at Kylo, he waited another second before he asked. "So, the others of your family, they view things differently than you? That's why you think they wish they didn't know you? Is that right?"
Kylo gritted his teeth together slightly, uncertain how much he really wanted to share. Then again, it had been driving him nuts and he didn't really expect Hux to show up. He might hope for it, but he didn't really expect it. And who was to say that if he did he'd have any memory of any of it? He probably wouldn't have with Kylo's luck of recent.
"At home it's mostly the other, but when we were here before, on that island, we got closer. He's," Kylo looked up, avoiding Eliot's gaze. "I mean, I don't know what we were exactly, he still sniped at me a lot, but he's kind of just high strung like that. I miss it anyway, which probably sounds ridiculous."
Kylo tilted his head, he hadn't given much attention to the films, and the stories before. He knew vaguely that they were a thing, but in terms of them actually impacting what people knew about him, he hadn't considered that. He wondered if he should… although he didn't think they were available here, so it was likely a moot point currently.
"That more or less covers it," he said. "Grandfather and I have spoken. And he and I have a few things in common, and he seems to like me. Both of my parents are young, and they both have indicated that they want to know me with very little inclination towards recognizing that this is not the sort of relationship we have. Rey is here, and Poe Dameron, and they neither of them would trust me." He sighed, bouncing his leg for a moment. "I know it likely sounds terrible to say, but I am envious of you having no one who actually knows you. Outside of Grandfather, I don't care to spend time with any of the rest, and they don't care for me. I wouldn't mind Hux here, but likely he wouldn't remember before, so he'd just…" Kylo waved a hand. "I'm talking too much."
He didn't want to push Kylo, so he was waiting for him to offer up the answer, instead of prodding more. He wondered if he was perhaps prying too much. Was he making the man uncomfortable? He hoped not. He was glad that Kylo had come to him in seeking company. He didn't want to give him a reason not to do that in the future.
"It doesn't sound ridiculous at all," Eliot was quick to reassure him. "I know how frustrating it can be when you aren't certain as to the type of relationship you have with someone," he offered up, wondering if that was the best choice word. But Kylo had used several keywords there and Eliot wasn't certain of how else to interpret them.
Eliot didn't know who Rey or Poe Dameron were. They weren't names he recognized and he supposed they must have been relatively new heroes in the realm of the films. Quentin would know. Quentin would probably know who Kylo was, too. He wondered, briefly, what Quentin would think about all of this if he were here. He knew for a fact that the boy probably would be beside himself if he knew Eliot had witnessed the proposal of Han Solo to Leia; something of which Eliot himself hadn't cared much about.
Except in relation to how it was making Kylo feel.
"If you could have that kind of relationship with them, would you want it?" He finally asked. "You're Mom and Dad? If their so young, and don't know you, in theory you can make a whole new type of relationship. If you want," he offered up with a slight shrug of his shoulders.
"No, I understand. If I had the choice between how things are right now, or having my family here, I'd pick how they are right now without question," but then again, Eliot was not the biggest fan of his own family. He avoided thinking of them or interacting with them at all costs. "My friends, though, I'd love to have them here. And I think that's similar to you and Hux."
He took in a breath. "I'd hope, for your sake, Hux would remember. Whatever it is that happened between you two. It sounds as though it meant something to you."
Kylo let out a breath he hadn't even been aware he was holding. Eliot managed to make him feel relaxed most of the time, which was unusual, and kind of nice. He never seemed bothered by anything Kylo threw at him, and the judgement that Kylo was used to in most of his interactions was lacking here. He risked bringing his gaze up to match Eliot's for a moment.
"It did," he offered, without offering much else, but Hux had been comforting for all of his sniping, and he'd seemed to care, which had been almost a surprise on the Island. Somehow here and now it just seemed obvious that of course he would care. They were co-workers, colleagues, and friends of a sort. Certainly they were the closest thing either of them had to one at home, and on the island it had made sense that they would collaborate together, and that they'd draw closer. It had been nice. "Maybe if he ever shows up here we can… define things better," he offered frowning slightly.
His parents were more complicated though, and he didn't really know how to even begin. He wondered what Eliot would say if he were to tell him the truth. So far he'd been accepting, but Kylo suspected most people would find what he'd done abhorrent. And maybe, really, part of him did too.
"If I were to try that," he frowned trying to think through things unemotionally, even though he didn't think he really could. "I think it would only work so long as they don't know about the future. If they know about it, they'll… I mean, they would have to turn away if they learned the truth. I can't imagine they wouldn't. And we don't see eye to eye on most things, really. I'm not interested in being a Jedi and I don't believe in mother's republic."
That was the lighter end of it, honestly. "I intended to stay clear of them altogether, and then Pandora happened," he sighed. "Now they seem to think I care." Except he did care a little didn't he? That was part of the problem.
Eliot had to suppress a knowing smirk with Kylo's next two statements. It almost all but confirmed things in his mind about the relationship between Kylo and Hux. While he wasn't certain what had actually conspired between the two, Kylo's answers made it clear it had been something that carried a bit of an emotional weight. And Eliot was one with a wild imagination and more than enough experience with things that carried emotional weight. He had one or two possible guesses and he now had a certain way he was framing Hux in his mind. "I hope so," he agreed.
He knew he wouldn't want to be in the dark about where he stood in a relationship of that nature. And he also knew, to an extent, he actually was. Was it so different from his current situation with Fen? Alright, he knew what to define himself and Fen; but he didn't know if they'd become in practice what they were in name.
He doubted it.
He was silent as he pondered what Kylo had said. What was it that Kylo had done? He seemed so certain that Han and Leia would be unable to accept it. Could it have been that bad? "Do you care?" He asked, thinking that was the safer question.
Asking what Kylo had done, that he was certain would upset his parents, seemed like it was too personal. Eliot would rather let Kylo offer that up himself. For now.
Kylo's mind was still on Hux as despite the annoying sort of ache when he thought about being alone here without the General to help him sort out and deal with everything ridiculous, it was still somewhat easier than dealing with his parents. But that didn't mean he couldn't deal with them. They were here after all.
"No," he stated in answer to Eliot's question. But then he had to pull his attention back and he frowned. "Maybe."
He'd wondered as a boy what it would have been like to have a relationship with his parents instead of a constant struggle. But it was foolish to think that was possible here wasn't it?
"I killed my father," he stated flatly, suddenly exhausted of the pretense. "There's no way it matters once he learns that. Or that he'll want anything to do with me. Mother either."
"Oh. Oh, shit," Eliot said, without being able to stop himself. It wasn't necessarily what he'd expected. Of course, what was he expecting? He unfolded his hands and brought one up to his face, covering his mouth as he thought about it. He was mildly shocked but he didn't seem upset or angry by the information, just taken back.
Sucking in a breath, his hand dropped back down to his lap. "Alright," he finally said, as he was still processing the information. "Yeah, I don't....I don't think that is something that will be taken well."
He looked at him. "Why?" He hesitated. "If you don't mind me asking."
Kylo felt like that probably had gone about as well as he could have anticipated that it might. Eliot hadn't ordered him from his room and wasn't looking at him as if he hoped he'd leave - at least mostly not. Just surprised, and well, uncertain, but Kylo didn't sense fear. Yeah, about as well as he could have hoped.
He pulled in a breath and didn't answer Eliot's question right away although he probably should do so. Eliot deserved an answer after he'd been as welcoming as he had been, but Kylo found words difficult to come by.
Snoke had always said that his attachments would be his undoing, just like his grandfather, he would need to guard against them. He would need to completely release himself from everything Ben Solo had been to reach his full potential. And in the face of having failed - having lost the scavenger- coming face-to-face with Han Solo, it had seemed clear. Killing Han Solo, who had mattered to Ben for all Ben had tried to pretend that he didn't, would rid Kylo of the old attachments. He'd be free to be what he needed to be. He'd be stronger.
Oddly, he hadn't felt strong at all in the aftermath, just drained in a way he hadn't anticipated at all, and sitting here, trying to explain that to someone else, made him realize that he didn't feel more free either.
Kylo swallowed, trying to pull all of that into something that could be shared and might make sense and might not completely destroy Eliot's opinion of him.
"Because... Snoke, my teacher, believed I needed to cut ties to my past. I wouldn't have…" Kylo felt like this was coming out pathetic, and maybe because it was. "But he showed up and he was there, and I thought- I always. Ben always. When I was younger, I mean, I wanted his approval so badly. It seemed like Snoke was right and I would be rid of that need, and I could get stronger." Kylo's mouth felt dry.
Eliot listened very carefully and tried to keep his mind clear. It wasn't easy, however, and he couldn't help but think of Luke Skywalker. He remembered the Emperor edging Luke on, trying to entice him into slaying Vader, cutting down his own Father. Specifics were not there, as Eliot hadn't been the largest fan of the series and never obsessed over them as others had in his life. Even with that brief flicker of recognition for the tale came attached with the memory of watching it with Quentin and being far more interested in the chat conversation he'd been having with Margo on his cellphone at the time.
He couldn't relate to this. Troubled relationship with his family? Check. Desiring approval from his Father? Check. But killing his Father? That wasn't something Eliot could relate to and he wasn't going to try. It felt like it'd be wrong to do so and not necessarily what Kylo needed in that moment.
"You wouldn't have, you said," he finally stated. "That mean you regret it?"
Was there weakness in admitting that he regretted killing Han Solo? Kylo wasn't certain. He also wasn't entirely certain that it mattered here. Snoke wasn't here, looking over his shoulder and digging through his thoughts to make certain that Kylo was doing things right. That might be a downside of this place or it might be an upside of it allowing him to act freely from his master - any of them - for the first time in as long as he could remember.
He sighed. Not that it mattered when past actions weighed so heavily. He lifted his hand to his forehead, rubbing his temples for a moment rather than responding. Probably he should have said yes, at least pretended that he did. That was the sort of thing that would be expected. But it was more complicated than that, and since he'd determined to out with the truth, something that might not have been the smartest thing he'd done while being here, he owed it to himself and possibly Eliot to continue being honest.
"I wouldn't have sought him out," he said finally, quiet and staring at his shoes for a moment. He lifted his gaze and looked at Eliot as if daring him to maybe throw him out. "Whatever Snoke said, I wasn't looking for either of my parents for any reason, whatever he might say about Ben's weaknesses. Luke was a different story, but that was… He's a Jedi, and if it came to a fight, we both would have gone into that fight understanding what we were fighting for."
At least Kylo hoped that was true. Sometimes he wondered if it was. "I had lost… an important person that I was supposed to get information from. Someone that Snoke wanted information from. And then Han was there. It seemed like the Force had led him there and that I needed to… it didn't do what I thought it would. It didn't…" he swallowed. "It doesn't matter though. Or it won't. When they find out."
He took note of 'Ben' now. He had momentarily questioned the use of the name when Kylo first stated it but he'd let it go. Now, with the second reference to it, he was thinking on it with more focus. He didn't say it aloud but he wondered if Ben was Kylo's real name. He highly doubted that Han and Leia would have named their child Kylo Solo. That just seemed rather cruel. And adopting a new name was a common thing in their world, wasn't it?
Darth Vader was once Anakin Skywalker, that much Eliot knew. And hadn't there been other Darth's along the way in the series?
It didn't matter.
Kylo was Kylo until he told Eliot otherwise. Frowning, though, he shook his head. "Maybe," was all he said, in response to Kylo's final words. "People surprises us all the time," he added on. He couldn't say one way or another which way it would go. He didn't know them well enough to try and make a guess. But he knew that people were full of surprises and that parents, in particular, had a strong capacity for forgiveness when it came to their children. He just didn't know how far that would stretch and he wasn't going to get Kylo's hopes up. That'd be cruel.
Kylo wasn't certain he wanted to face them when it happened. And it would happen, particularly now that he'd been reminded of the fact that the films existed or books or whatever they were. Eventually they would be in a place where it would happen, or someone on this ship would know something and say something, possibly, he supposed, Rey or Poe already had. He frowned at that - if they had then no one had said anything to him, which might ruin his theory that it would matter. But he suspected they hadn't - who would want to tell someone that about their son anyway?
For now he packed that away and he looked up at Eliot, pulling himself out of what might happen with his parents and what had just happened right here. "You don't want me to leave?" he asked curiously.
"No," he wasn't going to make Kylo leave. Nor did he want him to. He supposed that he needed to explain his reasoning to Kylo. It was a bit hard to do so, however, because Eliot didn't quite know how to put it into words. But he knew he wasn't suddenly uncomfortable with Kylo's presence. He still wanted him around.
He was fairly certain, from what he was gathering, that Snoke had coerced Kylo and edged him towards that event. Whether Kylo was going to admit it or not, Eliot was fairly certain that Kylo felt some type of regret about the entire situation. And, regardless, Kylo had trusted him enough to tell him.
"You trusted me enough to tell me," he added, after a bit of silence. "It'd be awful of me to ask you to go. And I don't want you to."
"Oh," Kylo said.
For a moment he didn't know what to say only that he felt as if there ought to be some sort of response to that. It wasn't the kind of offering he was particularly used to. On the other hand, it wasn't often that he told anyone much of anything about his past, or his family, or any of it. Yet he'd felt he could tell Eliot, and maybe that'd been the right decision. It didn't feel uncomfortable currently, even if it had a few moments before when he'd actually been speaking of it; if anything he felt a little bit lighter than he had when he'd walked in.
He swallowed and looked up and offered a tentative smile. Well, less a smile, and more his lips turning up just slightly in less of a grimace, but it was something. "Good, I mean, I don't want to go," he added, letting a breath out.
When was the last time he'd spoken to anyone like this? He couldn't remember. Maybe he never had, certainly it hadn't been since he'd gone to Snoke, maybe not even many times when he'd been training, or when he'd been young. And even he and Hux postured when they spoke a bit. That didn't mean he didn't still miss Hux, but it didn't hold quite the same weight either.
"I'm not going to do anything here, obviously," he added. "I mean, maybe it doesn't need to be said, but there's no point to… any of it here. It just… I wanted to ignore that they were here. Distance myself. For them, I think as much as for me. So when you asked if I care: yes, I care a bit. But I can't care like… I should have never gotten involved in the proposal. They think… something I'm not. I can't ever be. I guess, is what I'm saying."