AJ is an institution (sepiatoned) wrote in thedept, @ 2013-08-01 21:33:00 |
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This particular afternoon, the camera finds Simon doing yoga. He is dressed in his usual yoga attire, in the middle of a downward facing dog. He looks over at the camera. The camera cuts to him sitting at the conference table still in yoga gear with an unreadable expression on his face. It is neither unwelcoming or pleasant. Interviewer: Are you dating anyone? Or are you thinking of dating anyone? Simon remains blank for a moment. SImon Dedworth: What was that? I believe that I heard you ask in regards to my dating life and I'm not entirely sure how that might pertain to my work. Interviewer: Please answer the question, Mr Dedworth. He stares at the interviewer (and the camera) for a moment. Considering. Simon: I still stand by the belief that if I were dating anyone, I would be inclined to announce it to the world as it were. I can acknowledge that I have been asked to allow transparency in my work and professional life, but that does not include my relationship status. Interviewer: But you are a widower who still wears his wedding ring, almost ten years after your wife's passing. It's almost instinct to look down and confirm it's still there. He knows it is. Simon is aware of the weight of it. Simon: That is a choice I made and continue to make. No, I am not still actively mourning my wife. However, I am not a man who takes vows lightly. Interviewer: What's the worst thing about being a widower? Simon almost chuckles. While still somewhat guarded, he is less tense now. Simon: Well, I would imagine the answer to that question is rather obvious. The worse thing about being a widower, is being a widower. When you make your marriage vows, no one anticipates the lifetime pledged could be so limited. He sighs, relaxing a little more. It wasn't enough time. Truly, it never could have been enough time. Not all of it was happy, or truly anything close to perfect, but there is very little that would make me forfeit the time I did have. As trite as the comment might be, Johanna forced me to be a better man. Interviewer: Is there a benefit of being a widower? Rather than answer, Simon just looks at the camera. The answer is clear on his face. It is a stupid question and he will not answer such a stupid question. Okay, what about the best thing about being single now? Simon: I do realize where you are going with this line of questioning. However, I will say that as challenging as it is on some days, the experience has forced me to be both mother and father, and take on all aspects of parenting. Interviewer: Does having kids and having to be both mother and father make dating complicated? Simon: Dating is always complicated. At my age, I don't really see a way in which having children significantly impacts that one way or the other. Interviewer: What do you wish to see for your children? Simon: Right now, I'd like for the girls to finish school. As for my son? I would like to think I have arrived at a place where it is less about what I want for Bobby, and more being able to support him as he discovers that meaning for himself. As someone who for various reasons took a fair amount of time to arrive in the profession I hold today, I would never begrudge my children that same experience to be able to figure out that answer as you go. Which is to say that I hope my son finds a career that makes him happy. However, up until that point I simply want him to be out in the world trying on new roles and taking a few calculated risks Interviewer: Would you want him to find a partner like your late wife? Simon: I wish for my son, as well as my daughters, that they find a person who is kind, and treats them well. Interviewer: And what about you? What do you look for in a spouse? Simon: My father was a mathematician and while I didn't purse mathematics and academia the way that he did, I was brought up to think like a mathematician. I have, in large part, always been a man of logic. Numbers created an order to the world that allowed me to get from one point to another. When I was a younger man, it allowed me to be a good mediwizard. I was able to identify the variables and take steps to fix them. It was currently makes me quite good at what I do as lead of the Emergency and Public Order Unit. I notice the details, I can follow them out to various conclusions without getting distracted. But how might this answer your question? I am a man who can get caught up in a loop of what ifs, what I need in a partner, a spouse even, is someone to counter my tendencies. That was exactly what Johanna was to me. For all my numbers and certainties, she was an unknown. She was uninhibited in ways that I longed to be, able to express herself, and actually live in the moment. And yes, she was in part a woman of belief and faith. Although not necessarily religion, but in people, specifically in me. My peers didn't always understand how or why it worked with her. Admittedly, I might have tried to write an equation to explain, which Johanna thought was endlessly funny. The truth was for as much as we fought, or had moments when he might want to give it up, it was never both at the same time and we kept fighting for us, for the family we were building. I think that more than anything is what matters in a spouse - someone with whom is willing to trade off being the one to keep fighting for the relationship. Simon pauses, realizing he might have perhaps said too much or gone on too long without meaning to. He smiles to himself, shifting in the chair. And also, an ability to dance. |