bethen avilla ; the circle mage (bethe) wrote in thedas,
Bethen had resigned herself to suppressing every urge, every want and compulsion, by trying to shut Aurin out of that range of her emotions. She even closed her eyes when he drew near again, as if that would make him and every feeling -- both the joy and the pain of caring this much -- simply go away, but he managed to slip past her mental defenses with a simple brush of his hand to her cheek. She didn't move, neither pulling away nor leaning in toward his touch, as either motion would have said more than just letting it stay there, brief and light as it was. She knew he would never hurt her, not intentionally (even if that was his sworn duty, were she to ever turn to forbidden magics), but this simple action was like a dagger straight to her heart. He was pushing her to her limits with each careful place of contact. Then, in a few soft footfalls and the swinging of the door open and shut, he was gone. And she was left to sit on her bed, stunned and silent.
Did he know how she felt, then? The thought crossed her mind that there was a possibility that this wasn't one-sided, and she wasn't suddenly lusting after her best friend while he remained oblivious. There was something more here, maybe there had been for a while (how hypocritical for her to criticize Lirana and Trevan, then, when this had begun so much earlier), and she'd simply never realized it until now. Bethen was not, by most standards, a stupid girl, but this wasn't the first time she'd been blindsided by the real nature of those closest to her. If this was mutual, if he really thought, if he wanted... But so what? She stopped herself from considering it further. There were too many consequences, too many complications. Even if she was going to be a Warden, even if she would be free of the Circle and their authority, that didn't alter other aspects of this situation. Such as the fact that with this title came responsibility to fight the darkspawn and protect mankind, or die trying.
She thought about the last thing he said to her. Of course she wanted to keep her promise to him, more than anything, but she was fooling herself if she actually believed she could. Aurin was undoubtedly important to her, but she was never one to shirk her duties or avoid doing what was right in order to fulfill her own happiness or ensure her own security when it came down to it. And she was certain that somewhere down the line, it would likely come to that. He knew this, too. And still, he had asked her... He had wanted... Sodding idiot. Setting them both up for something so...difficult. Painful. There was no future in this. No chance for lasting happiness, for either of them, and the last thing she wanted to do was make his life harder by encouraging that hope and then letting him down so terribly. No, it was better for him not to lose what he couldn't have.
Her hands had balled into tight fists around the woolen blanket underneath her; it took a moment to unwind them and finally get up. Mechanically, Beth went through the motions of stripping the rest of her shredded robes (mournfully, she knew she couldn't repair them), and shuffling through the armoire for a simple cotton frock to sleep in, every few seconds reminding herself not to think about the warmth of his breath on her skin, and how she almost wished she had told him to stay instead.