bethen avilla ; the circle mage (bethe) wrote in thedas,
Feeling Aurin's warm hand settle on her own, which still held a bit of chill from Ashya's spell at her fingertips, Bethen finally met his eyes. She tried to smile back, but found that she couldn't manage the expression. So many things had been put aside before, in favor of defensive humor and reassurance of complacency, never wanting to deal with the displeasure of guilt and honesty. When had they started doing this? When had they stopped really speaking to one another? Aurin had changed the subject already, but she couldn't let it go this time.
"I know you resent Constans, and you have every right to. He was awful to you, and for that, I'm sorry. But...he was my friend, hard as it may be for you to believe, when you couldn't be," she said sadly, once again hesitant to see his reaction to her words. She didn't mean him any harm by it, but it was the truth. In an attempt to be comforting, Beth placed her own hand on top of his and held onto it, "Not that it's your fault, it never was...but you aren't a mage. And I needed someone in my life who could understand what it was like. Constans was there for me, when you weren't. You left. You always came back, but...you left. Me and him, we were both stuck in that Tower, together. I...don't know what you expected me to do. I had to move on."
There. It was all out there now. She had never told him before, but she hadn't only been afraid that he would get hurt out there, without her around to watch his back. Bethen never wanted to admit it, because she never wanted to be angry at her own friends, especially not someone who had only ever done well by her, but she had been just as jealous of his freedom as Constans had been. Aurin could come and go as he pleased. He could have left the order, while she would forever be a mage and never anything else. The feelings were bitter and ugly, but they were there, and now he knew.
Bethen sighed heavily, stroking the pad of her thumb over the back of his hand, "I'm sorry, I'm not telling you this to...make you feel bad or anything. What I'm trying to say is... It's finally my chance to make my own stories, not continue to listen or read about them, play pretend, or dream of a life that I couldn't have." She thought she had cried all that she could, but she could feel a lump forming in the back of her throat and heat prickling at the back of her pale blue eyes again. The mage didn't think she had ever had such a serious conversation in her life. But every word was filled with such intense sincerity.
"If...if this goes awry somehow, please, just make sure... I want him and Desiderio to live well, I want them to be safe. That's why I'm doing this. I want everyone to be safe. You especially, Aurin." She gave his hand a light squeeze. He had always looked out for her, in spite of the fact that he was supposed to be doing the opposite, protecting the world from her. But Bethen was now in the position to return the favor, in ways more than just freeing him from that trunk and healing those bumps and bruises from days of mischief in the Tower. Finally, she smiled at him, and laughed softly, "You aren't the only one allowed to engage in thrilling heroics, you know."