InsaneJournal

WHO: Octavia, Clarke and Lexa
WHAT: Trying to figure out what’s going on
WHEN: After Octavia’s arrival
WHERE: Clarke and Lexa’s apartment
WARNINGS: Confusion and angst~



Octavia's eyes fluttered open and she quickly realized she wasn't in the bunker. Everything around her smelled clean and for a second, she thought she was back on the ark. Even being locked up as a criminal for being a second child, Octavia could say it was easier than being on the ground, but she wasn't free on the ark and that made a difference. She never was. Right now though, she saw that she wasn't on the ark, she wasn't in the bunker and she was in a room that she didn't recognize. Did the gas get to her? Was this some dream? Was she dead? Her fingers that were curled around the soft sheets suddenly let go and she sat up quickly, her eyes cold yet curious as she took in the room more.

She began to speak, but it was as if nothing was coming out. For the warrior girl she was, the champion, she was still afraid in that split second as she was back home, in that bunker. Indra by her side, Octavia could still almost feel the trembling that took flight in her body. The time to be afraid was over. She wasn't hiding anymore. My people. My responsibility.

"Indra?" It was as if her voice was smaller than it had been. Turning around, she came face to face with her own reflection through a mirror and she paused, her eyes taking in the sight of herself, someone she hadn't seen in one hell of a long time. Her hand came to her face. She looked so much older than she was. She was barely eighteen but that hardly mattered anymore. She wasn't a little girl anymore. She wasn't the girl who hid anymore. She had just participated and won in the final Conclave for control of the bunker that would save the victorious clan.

"I'm no champion, Indra. I hid. Ilian helped me. Roan helped me. I didn't do this on my own."

"No leader ever does."

"Indra!" Her voice was louder and more desperate and now Octavia was no longer standing in front of the mirror. She was walking around the space that was clean and smelled good and was cold as she looked for her mentor, her teacher, the person she looked to for acceptance. The champion found herself alone. No Kane, no Jaha. None of the hundreds of Skaikru laying on the bunker floor, passed out as the two men decided who lived and who died. A part of her wondered if they had already been swallowed up by Praimfaya, the nuclear apocalypse that Wonkru was preparing for. The death wave that would kill all outside of that bunker that so many were so desperate to get inside of.

She heard a ring that echoed and was loud and new. It almost made Octavia jump, but instead, she just turned back and walked toward the room the noise was coming from. She frowned, picking up the device and she looked it over before reading the message. Angels? A war? The young champion looked ahead, then toward the screen until she stuffed the phone into her pocket and reached for her weapon, but realized it wasn't there. Her jaw clenched as she turned and walked out of the room, then out of the apartment. Her curiosity still there, but only this time, her anger fueled by fear was much greater as she tried to find the answers to her own questions.

Her phone chimed again as she walked toward an elevator and she pulled it back from her pocket and looked. It was someone else, wondering why they were here. She started pressing buttons, not realizing that she found herself a network of people. She started to scroll through messages and although Octavia couldn’t currently see herself, she was sure that she might have turned white in the face.

“Lexa?” Her voice nearly cracked at the realization that Lexa was here. Or what appeared to be Lexa. She wasn’t sure of his place or the people in it. But she took the bait, she had to know for herself. After speaking with her, it was decided that she would find her. She pushed the phone back in her pocket as she headed toward the elevator once more. She frowned, pressing the button, waiting for the doors to open.

LA was a big adjustment for Clarke. After so long as one of the last humans living on a radiation-scorched Earth, to be surrounded by so many people was strange and unsettling. It was good but it was overwhelming too. Before she'd found Madi, the almost too tiny little girl struggling to fend for herself not far from the bunker, she'd been on her own. The silence around her had been so stifling that, after a while, she'd taken to talking over the radio to keep herself company. She told herself she was talking to Bellamy. He never answered, none of them did, but it was comforting. Every day for the past four years, she'd talked to him. It helped. For a little while, she felt like she wasn't alone.

Not having Madi here with her made her a little anxious. They'd been together for so long now and they were closely bonded. That little girl was like a daughter to Clarke and now she knew how helpless her mom must have felt when she'd had to send her down to the ground without her. Knowing that Madi was back there, all alone again, with no one to help her or even talk to her, it hurt Clarke's heart. But she couldn't focus on that because there was nothing she could do. She'd learned a long time ago that sometimes you had to push through the pain and focus on the problem at hand.

She wasn't sure how she felt about being pulled out of her home and her time to fight a war at the behest of angels. At first, she hadn't believed it. She still didn't, not entirely. She was here though and there was no getting out. So she was working on fitting in as seamlessly as possible. She'd been given a job at an art store, which she actually really enjoyed. The food here, too, was amazing. She'd lived on rations in the Ark and food had been a little harder to come by after the second Praimfaya. To have so much so readily available was so new to her and she was probably overindulging a little.

Today, everything had changed again. She'd been the only one from her world here, something she was all too familiar with by now. Then that familiar face, that familiar language, popped up on her screen. Lexa. It had been four years since Clarke had seen her. She could still close her eyes and see her lying there, lifeless, black blood trickling from her mouth. She had always felt loss deeply, but nothing had devastated her more than watching the woman she loved die in front of her eyes, then be snatched away from her before she could even process what had happened. She'd soldiered on because that was what had to be done, but she'd broken down in front of her mom, allowing herself to grieve for just a few moments. She'd never fully allowed herself to move on and now she had the opportunity to try again.

She had a takeout bag in hand as she rode the elevator up to her apartment on the fifth floor. She'd eaten after work, but she suspected Lexa would be hungry so she'd made sure to order more. The elevator door stopped on the fourth floor before the fifth, sliding open to reveal another familiar face.

"Octavia, hey." She hadn't spoken with her but she'd seen hr speaking with Lexa too. She stepped a little to the side, letting Octavia step inside before giving her a brief, one-armed hug. "I brought food." She held up the bag. "Are you okay?"

Octavia was in no way okay. None of this was okay. She didn’t understand how they were all here, why they were all here. Angels supposedly claimed the act itself, but Octavia was questioning that altogether. Lexa had mentioned that Clarke was from a different time. How? Then again, Lexa was here, and she was alive. All of this felt like a bad dream honestly. One that she couldn’t wake up from.

“I’m … not,” she finally said, looking up at Clarke. Octavia was still dirty and muggy from being home. She couldn’t remember the last time she had cleaned herself. It just didn’t seem to matter but here, she could smell Clarke. She smelled good. Clean. Her clothes were crisp and her hair, it was bright and shiny. Not dirty and dull. She had been here for awhile, she assumed.

Stepping onto the elevator, she watched as the doors closed. Octavia crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes on Clarke the entire way.

“How is Lexa alive?” She asked, wanting to know what Clarke thought of all of this. “I just don’t know what to make of all of this.” Her voice was shaky, low. “One minute, I’m watching as Kane and Jaha seal Skaikru’s fate, the next - I’m here. And I don’t even know why. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know where my brother is if he isn’t with you,” she said and she tried to not get emotional. She tried to keep herself in check. She wasn’t going to fall apart. She was a champion, a warrior. She couldn’t. And she wouldn’t - not in front of Clarke anyway.

Clarke could hear the way Octavia’s voice wavered. She knew how hard it was for Octavia to open herself up. In the time they’d been on Earth, she’d hardened. She’d become a grounder. Living under the floorboards on the Ark, she’d had no true identity. So she’d taken on the next one she could find, and she was incredible. She’d won the Conclave. She was a warrior. Clarke was proud of her and she knew Bellamy was too.

“I don’t really know,” she confessed. That killed her. She didn’t like not knowing. She’d become so used to knowing it all. Making decisions where others couldn’t. Being a leader. Here, she was only a pawn in whatever game these so-called angels were playing. She still couldn't really believe it was all true. But if it was, it was screwed up. The whole thing was screwed up.

“Bellamy could still show up. But we’re together. We’ll figure out.” She did her best to sound confident but she was nervous too. Especially about seeing Lexa. She didn’t know what to say to her. She was four years ahead of both of them, but Lexa… she didn’t even remember dying. How were they going to explain that to her.

“I’ve got clothes you can wear when we get inside,” she offered, as the elevator doors slid open. “And you’re welcome to shower too.” She gave Octavia an encouraging smile, stepping up to the door and maneuvering her keys out of her pocket to unlock the door.

“Lexa?” she called out.

Lexa didn’t understand this. Any of it. She had only just been in the tower, in Polis, with Clarke. The blockade was to be in place soon and Clarke had come to say goodbye to her. Lexa had known that Clarke would not take her up on her offer to remain in Polis. On her side of the line. She would need to return to her people. It was the same decision Lexa would have made had the roles been reversed. It was one of the reasons Lexa loved Clarke.

The goodbye, they both knew, could be forever. Tensions were high in Polis, Skaikru, thanks to the one called Pike, and Lexa’s leadership was being called into question. They were accusing her of having weakness again. She would not allow Azgeda to harm Clarke as they had Costia, though. Even if their ‘maybe someday’ was never to be, Lexa could not take that risk. But, the goodbye wasn’t simply a goodbye. The two of them had finally given in to the feelings they had for one another. It was just after this that Lexa found herself here, in this strange place, that was in her past.

She found that Clarke was here, but it had been four years since they’d shared that intimate moment. Octavia was also here, and it had been a month for her since the blockade had been ordered. Lexa wasn’t sure how this could be possible, any of it, but it seemed that angels needed her, and the others, for some sort of battle. It was all very confusing.

Lexa was still wearing the black and grey shirt and black jeans with her boots that she had been wearing when Clarke had arrived to announce she would be returning to Arkadia. She was wandering around the home they had provided her with when she heard Clarke’s voice. She made her way into the other room, where she had heard the girl’s voice coming from. Clarke was not alone, Octavia was with her. But, what Octavia was wearing made Lexa stop in her tracks. She was wearing Lexa’s pauldron, her armor and more importantly, her helm of awe.

“Why do you wear these things, Octavia? I am Heda, these belong to me.”

Octavia didn't even know what to think. Clarke had no idea why Lexa was alive, Bellamy wasn't here, but he could show up at any time. It was a lot to take and Octavia could feel that creeping feeling of defeat start to soak her up. She told herself that she could do everything and anything even when she told herself she couldn't. It was because she had to. For a moment back home, she knew exactly what it felt like to be Clarke. To be put in her shoes, to make the hard decisions. It wasn't easy. To go into the room, ready to kill Skaikru for not making a decision that none of them should have had to make. The thought alone made her sick to her stomach but she would do it over and over again because that's what she was supposed to do. She wanted to say that with time it would get easier, but she doubted it would have. Sending innocent people to their deaths was something she would never find easy.

She didn't say anything else, instead, she went with Clarke and followed her to the apartment. This was still unreal for Octavia, especially when Clarke called out for Lexa. Octavia looked around, her body stiffening when she saw her. She was real. And she was standing in front of her. Octavia was stunned. Words weren't even coming to her at the moment.

It wasn't until Lexa asked about what Octavia was wearing that she shifted, looking down at herself, as if it was wrong in a way. As if she wasn't supposed to wear these things. She was. She had fought in the Final Conclave, she outlasted all other champions, and Luna. She earned it.

"I ..." She nearly stuttered underneath Lexa's questioning stare but then Octavia tipped her chin and looked at Lexa defiantly.

"Because they're mine to wear," she said. Octavia nearly held her breath then but she couldn't, she wouldn't back down. These were hers. "I don't know what's going on, but this isn't right. Clarke knows it too," she said, shooting Clarke a look, as if to tell her. They couldn't keep secrets. Not if they were in this together.

Clarke had been so relieved to see Octavia that she really hadn't paid much attention to what she was wearing. But she took notice when Lexa pointed it out. She looked affronted, but instead of backing down, Octavia was defiant instead. She was right -- she had earned the Commander's armor -- but Lexa didn't know that. And this was not the best way to handle it.

She sighed when she saw the look Octavia gave her. She knew what that look meant. She knew she had to tell Lexa the truth. But how could she when Lexa was here in front of her, looking exactly the way she had when Clarke had been with her last? Lexa's last memory was of the two of them making love; it was good. Now she was supposed to ruin that? It wasn't fair but it had to be done. She knew Lexa would want to know.

"Okay. Let's all just sit down." She led them over to the small kitchen table, making sure they each took a seat. She unpacked the takeout bag, setting a burger and fries in front of each of them, bringing glasses of ice water over a few moments later.

"Eat," she said. "And let me think, okay?" It was going to be a struggle to tell Lexa that Octavia was Commander now because Lexa had died. She just wanted a few minutes of being glad they were all together again first.

Lexa didn’t know what to think about this. Octavia was wearing her things. Then she spoke to her in such a disrespectful manner that it caught her off guard. If they were in Polis, she would have punished her for this. But, they were not in Polis anymore, they were in this strange place and Lexa was incredibly confused. This only added to it. And angered her at the same time.

Clarke, ever the peacemaker when it came to her people (their people now), wanted everyone to sit down and just eat. She needed time to think. But Lexa didn’t want to think, she wanted answers. She wanted to know what was going on and why Oktevia kom Skaikru was wearing her things. Why she was insisting she had the right to them.

There was something they weren’t telling her.

“No.” Lexa said, tipping her own chin defiantly. She would not be dismissed. She was Heda and the way she was being treated was unacceptable. “I will not eat. Not until the two of you tell me what is going on.”

Octavia knew right away that this was an impossible situation. And it wasn’t fair. None of this was fair, but nothing had been fair in a really long time. Octavia wasn’t proud exactly of what she had to do in order to earn this. But she would have done anything she could to save herself, save her brother. The people she cared about. When she thought of it though, she thought of the person she cared about that she lost in the process.

O glanced up at Clarke as she handed out food as if this was natural. Octavia didn’t understand it, having just arrived herself but she was starving, so she didn’t mind. Her eyes were back on Lexa and she felt threatened, which only made Octavia harden a little bit more. It wasn’t Lexa’s fault. It wasn’t any of their faults. It was just how it was.

She didn’t want to tell Lexa that she died. As much as Octavia put on a brave face, it terrified her.

Clarke should have known better than to expect Lexa to sit still and do as she asked without questioning her. A tiny part of her had even hoped Octavia would take the burden off her and explain things, but that wasn’t fair of her. This was something she had to do. This was her responsibility. Lexa did deserve to know and she was going to be obstinate and difficult until she got some sort of answer. So, with a sigh, Clarke met Lexa’s eyes.

“Before I left for Arkadia… you died,” she said quietly. “It was… an accident, but you died, Lexa. Titus arranged the Conclave, but Ontari, the Azgeda Natblida, she killed all the nightbloods in their sleep. She took over, but she was being controlled by A.L.I.E., and she didn’t last long before she was killed. It’s.... hard to explain it all. But another Praimfaya was coming. Everyone was dying. We had to save as many people as we could, but we needed a commander.” She neglected to mention she had tried to take on the role herself; that added the entire dimension of the artificial nightblood to the story and that would just drag this out. “We held another Conclave and Octavia won against all the clans’ champions. She’s Heda now, Lexa. She earned it.”

Both Clarke and Octavia were acting strange and Lexa knew something was going on. She wanted answers. But, she had not expected what Clarke had told her. She had not expected to hear of her own death or that her Natblidas were dead and certainly not that Octavia had become Heda. Octavia was not a nightblood. How could she be Heda?

Lexa didn’t speak for several long seconds. She lifted her hand, reaching behind her head, fingertips brushing over the scar on the back of her neck. The Flame was still there. It had not been removed. Did Octavia have it too? She would not be able to, not without nightblood. This was unsettling and confusing.

“I see.” Lexa said, simply. She wasn’t sure what else she was supposed to say. She had just been told of her death and that she was not Heda any longer. How was she supposed to feel about any of this?

“It’s not what I wanted,” Octavia said slowly, looking at Lexa. No, nothing about this was easy. And there was so much that had happened in between and before and after that Lexa was just better off not knowing. “I just wanted to fight for myself. Not even for myself but for everyone. If I didn’t win, all the clans except for the winner would have died. I didn’t want that.” But even with knowing that, there was still chaos when it came to who lived and who died. At least with Skaikru. But Skaikru always thought they were an exception and they weren’t.

Octavia looked down at her food and then at Lexa. “I’m nothing here. Not a champion, not Heda.” She didn’t know who she was right now besides confused.

There was so much that Lexa would have to be caught up on, but she hoped that Clarke would be the one to tell her. Octavia already felt uncomfortable but she had nowhere else to go. It didn’t stop her before from leaving back home, but this was different. She wasn’t sure what the outside world here was capable of.

“You’re still a champion, Octavia,” Clarke assured her. “This world is going to be different but it doesn’t invalidate who you are.” Really, aside from the battling on behalf of angels deal, they were all better off here. They stood a better chance of having a life, at least for a little while. “Now, come on, eat. Both of you. We’ll have plenty of time to talk.”