Nick (theevilone) wrote in thecityof, @ 2018-01-23 09:57:00 |
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The large textbook held the comforting scent of school. As long as she kept focusing on studying then she didn't have to pay attention to her thoughts. Red. Screams. Kai and Harry laughing. Claire jerked slightly when Nick tapped her knee. Right, okay, maybe she wasn't focusing as well as she should. She bit her lower lip and looked up at her boyfriend. “Hey, was I taking up too much room?” They were on his bed and she thought she was taking up less than half of it. She was sitting cross legged with her back against the headboard. Not the normal activity people did in a bed together, but this was Claire. There was a moment and then it seemed to click in her head. “I'm doing it again. Hyper focusing and ignoring you. I'm sorry,” she snapped the textbook shut and gave Nick a sheepish smile. She wasn't trying to shut him out, she just wasn't exactly proud of what she had done while soulless. Then it started. A faint burning in her eyes and she let out a sniff. Oh no, please no. She sniffed harder and held the tears back. Why did Nick even put up with her? Nick knew how trying the last couple of days had been for Claire. He knew how fucked up things had gotten with Harry and Kai and he also that there was no taking what happened back. He felt horrible. Honestly. Every time he looked at Claire his heart broke just a little more. That wasn’t who Claire was. She was nerdy and cute and so wrapped up in her school work that it was impossible for Nick to see her as the monster they had inside of them. But she saw it. Everytime she closed her eyes. Nick tried to distract her any way that he could but it was getting harder and harder. He had had a whole conversation with her as he laid next to her and doodled in his sketch pad but by the time he looked up at her he saw how she was zoning out. How his conversation had been one sided and he sighed softly. He eyed her while he got her attention and it didn’t take long for her to catch on. But then it didn’t take long for her to start panicking and Nick was instantly up and moving to wrap his arm around her to pull her close. “Hey, no.” He whispered as he pressed his lips to her hair and gently shook his head. “Talk to me, Claire.” He had asked this for days already. But every time they tried to talk about it the words turned into sobs and Nick tried to take all her pain away. “We can face this together. You don’t have to go through it alone.” Everyone kept telling her it wasn't her fault. That it hadn't been her and that she wasn't a monster. Except that monster lived inside of her! All Claire had to do was flip her humanity switch and she'd be right back to being soulless. She had been trying to distract herself from that feeling by working on the stupid flow chart for Kol, by doing schoolwork, by just pretending everything was okay. Nick saw right through her. Claire didn't mean to start crying, but she never really meant to cry. It always just happened. If she had been in her own apartment Lee probably would have come rushing over for a hug and somehow it just made it worse. So many people cared about her and she didn't deserve it. Not anymore. “I-" She wrapped her arms around him as she squeezed her eyes shut. “They killed so many people and I didn't stop them,” she finally admitted out loud. “I killed someone just to see what it was like. For science! I...I was methodical and cold and awful. It was me even if I didn't have a soul!” She tried to pull free from the hug so she could bury her face in her hands, but she was struggling. Nick had tried to tell her that too. That it wasn’t her fault. That a demon had stolen her humanity away and there was nothing she had control of after that. But that wasn’t enough. Claire had a heart of gold and right now it was broken. She was broken. That natural fire lost from her pretty eyes as she sobbed. It killed Nick that all he could do was hold her close and try to soothe away the pain. He let her escape his arms enough for her to cover her face and he rested his hands on her knees as he watched her. Part of him wanted to get back at Harry and Kai for letting her get in that deep but he knew that wasn’t on them either. Their souls had been taken too and both of them were paying for it just like Claire was. “Hey.” He reached up and pulled her hands away for he could see her face and she could look at him. “It wasn’t you. It was this fucked up place trying to break you.” Because why the fuck else would the angels allow this shit to happen. Nick didn’t understand it. He didn’t see the point in this either. It was like the angels were just out to play with them. To take the good inside them and turn them inside out. “You’re stronger than you think you are. You’re gonna get past this. Whatever happened, we know who you are. We know you wouldn’t do what you three did now. That’s what actually matters.” Nick knew the words would never be enough, but they were the truth. It wasn’t you. Claire tried to avert her gaze, but she couldn’t. Nick always captivated her and she was stuck staring at him as tears welled up out of her eyes. When Shane had first found out she was a vampire he had called her a monster, said hurtful things, and they kept running through her head. He had left LA and come back and she had watched him lose his temper all over again because of her. Because she was a vampire. The reason Nick was even a vampire now was because of her as well. She might not have been in control when she finally ended up killing, but it was clear pain followed her. The guilt was looking to swallow her whole. Her biggest accuser and condemor was herself at this point. “I would never set out to hurt someone,” she blurted out before hiccuping from crying so hard. She had gone through so much in Morganville, watched so many fucked up things, and somehow all those memories had just come crashing into her mind one day. Now she had this soulless journey to deal with as well and she didn’t have Michael or Eve to talk to, her normal circle of support just missing. How much was she supposed to put on Nick? Claire stared at him before pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I don’t deserve you,” she said softly as the tears finally seemed to run out. She curled into him as she tried not to view the faces of the people who had died that day in the bar in her mind. He reached up and wiped away one of the tears that had fallen. Things were so fucked up in this place. It was literally one thing after another and Nick felt guilty that even his death was on her shoulders. Nick didn’t blame her. No, not at all. He blamed himself for the way he had taunted Kol, but he knew that Claire blamed herself and he couldn’t get her to think differently. Which was why he knew how hard she was taking this. Soulless or not. Claire had a huge heart and this hurt her. Time wasn’t going to fix shit. It would only numb the pain she felt now but he wanted her to know that he was there for her. He was there and he wasn’t going anywhere. She had all the time in the world that she needed and she didn’t have to hide from him. “I know.” He whispered softly as he pushed her hair behind her ear. “You’re too good to hurt anyone.” And she was. God, she was. Nick saw so much goodness in her. It was what made it all the more amusing to see who she lived with. Lee and Lexi were the pure definition of good vampires. Claire belonged with them. Even Nick wasn’t perfect. He let himself slip when he couldn’t control the bloodlust. How they did it he just didn’t understand. He stole a kiss and pulled her in close as she cuddled against him. “No, you don’t.” He shook his head. “You deserve so much better.” Nick could easily say that and mean it. “There’s something inside of you Claire. Something that none of us have. There’s a light that shines so damn bright. There’s so much good in there. “ He sighed. “I got you. Whatever you need. I promise, I’m here.” Nick was so wrong. There were things she had done in Morganville to survive. Claire had turned into the type of person that did what it took to protect her friends, the ones she loved. Now she was in LA trying to figure out how to get her footing again. The lack of soul had left her adrift in confusion. This wasn’t some chemistry problem she could just solve. There was no correct formula. She was lost. A startled laugh escaped her just before another hiccup did as well. “You sound like one of those Disney movies we watched with Mo,” she said weakly. Claire rubbed at her eyes for a moment as the tears settled down. She felt a bit better actually, as if she had bled off some of the poison. Nick was a smart one, knowing she just needed to cry and have a hug. “...I love you,” she said softly. It was true. Claire did love Nick, it had just kind of snuck up on her. She knew that all of this would be so much more difficult if he wasn't around. When had that even happened? “Just so you know.” They all had a past. Nick had a pretty bad one if he was being honest. He was the typical badboy who got in more trouble than he really intended to. He was also a dick to his twin and hardly cared about anything. That shit that happened at the wax museum and that fake ass town … losing all his friends and nearly losing his sister, it had changed him for the better and this place had given him a fresh start. Claire had given him a chance and he was trying not to make her regret that. He made a face at the way she said he sounded like a disney movie and he laughed softly. That was surely going to ruin his reputation if Alec and Zoey heard that one. He took shots at Alec whenever he could because he knew he was falling for Zoey, so that would have been an open shot at him. “That’s one I’ve never heard before.” He smirked as he shook his head. Nah, Nick was no prince charming but Claire made him try. Nick knew how intense her feelings were because he could feel them too. Everything was heightened which meant that the guilt was even harder to bear. He hated having to watch her go through it. He missed that bright smile she wore as she talked about her classes and random things that happened throughout her day. He wanted that Claire back but he knew that it was going to take some time. He stared down at her when she said those words. He hadn’t ever heard them before. Not from anyone he had dated. He tilted his head and slowly let a smile form on his lips and he leaned in to softly pluck at her lips, “I love you too.” |