Wednesday, December 20, 2017 - Let the Healing Begin WHO: Miles Hastings and Adrian Pucey WHAT: First official meeting WHERE: Adrian's office, Tuppaarnaq Healing Hospital WHEN: Wednesday, December 20, 2017 WHY: Miles wants to know what Adrian might be able to tell him about werewolf things RATING: Embarrassing, but otherwise tame. STATUS: Complete
Miles wasn't exactly nervous about his meeting with Adrian, but his anxiety levels had definitely increased between leaving his apartment and reaching the hospital, enough that he was sure someone who knew him well would have noticed. Thankfully, no one like that was around to see. It wasn't from any particular dislike of discussing his situation with this new healer—which, while he wasn't overly fond of it, was something he'd done rather frequently over the last year and a half—but rather the fear that Adrian wouldn't be able to tell him anything useful. In short, he'd gotten his hopes up.
He was at least aware of that fear, and he did everything he could to temper his expectations as he waited for his appointment time. If he learned even one new thing about being a werewolf, then it would be worth it. If he gave Adrian one more piece of information that might help in his quest for a cure, then it would also be worth it.
When the time came, they said their greetings, and Miles followed the healer into a room that looked rather less hospital-like than the waiting room. He took a seat in one of the proffered chairs.
Adrian brought over the cup of coffee and the sugar, resisting the impulse to tell Miles to try it first because, well, at least it wasn't fake cream. People were where they were and you met them there. "Now, have you considered where you want to start and what we can do today?"
Miles added a decent amount of sugar to the coffee and stirred it in, but he didn't immediately drink it. He didn't even particularly care for coffee these days, and especially not without sugar, but it was a part of his routine that he was loath to give up. "I'm not sure of your areas of expertise, when it comes to werewolves, so I figured I'd just jump into it," he said with a slight chuckle. Anxious and hopeful or not, he still couldn't say he enjoyed talking about this. "I spent a year mostly holed up in my apartment, except for necessary excursions to the healer and such. Now that I'm back to work and well, functioning again, I'm noticing all sorts of things that had never come up before."
He considered where to start with that and settled for, "I want to know about werewolf instincts. Things that either don't exist for humans or that are different for me now. I feel...." He lifted his hands and flexed them as if grabbing for the words that were eluding him. "I feel more attached to people, more protective, more aware...sometimes angrier. And often seemingly out of nowhere, or with unexpected people. I think some of it is a natural extension of existing relationships and some of it is circumstantial?" That was his best guess right now, coming out of Salem. "But there's very little I know...and sometimes it's difficult to—control isn't quite the right word, but it's the closest I've got."
"I don't say this to offend, but here's a true thing for you: you're not reacting entirely like a human any more because you're--not, entirely. You're part wolf now. There's a bloke I know in England who wasn't even bitten and turned by Fenrir Greyback," and Adrian said the name as if it were a taboo he was consciously breaking, "but was just clawed in the face while Greyback was in human form. The wounds took significant magical healing and the patient developed a taste for raw meat. And some other new traits, not dissimilar to what you've described, also the lunar effect on temperament. It's real and it's a known thing. I wish I could tell you that I could make it stop, but it's part of your condition. There are things we can do to mitigate some effects, but not today."
Miles couldn't help wincing slightly at Adrian's frankness, despite having already acknowledged those facts to himself, at least in some form. The news articles related to Fenrir Greyback had been among his not-so-extensive reading on werewolves, and certainly the least encouraging of all of them. He'd set that image firmly aside in his mind as the one that he did not want to become. "It's not that I want to make them stop," he said, then paused to finally take a sip of his coffee. "Maybe in the early days, but now...I am what I am. I only want to understand things better so maybe I can anticipate how certain situations or people will affect me."
He paused again, but it was obviously a thoughtful moment rather than one anticipating input from Adrian. "I have a job to do, and I care about the way it's done. I don't want to jeopardize that simply because there are things about myself that I don't understand. The same goes for people."
"You're going to have hard time with that." Adrian sighed. "Don't marry a part-veela woman." There was no further explanation Adrian could make about that without violating patient confidentiality, so he didn't. "Which reminds me, while we're on the subject of frank and unpleasant discussions:" he added apologetically, "there's a talk we should have before you initiate sexual intimacies with any partner. If there's nothing on the horizon, don't worry about it and we'll save it for later. But please take it seriously because while historically there are no documented cases of sexual transmission of lycanthropy, there are certain risks, especially depending on the werewolf who bit you. Which reminds me that we should talk about that, too, if not today in the fairly near future."
Adrian had been leaning against his desk with his cuppa and came to settle down in the chair next to Miles' so they were on an even level for the next bit.
"In terms of your work, you're going to have enhanced scent and hearing, though not as much of the latter as the former because your ears are still human shaped and you can't actually angle them properly; some pack bonding behaviours with your closest colleagues especially if, as the case often is in the UK, they're also some of your close friends. You may, depending on your previous personality and that of your immediate supervisor, have dominance issues. You may find yourself wanting to claim and mark territory, though my experience suggests that it's likely to be a more metaphorical form of marking than the literal sort. That's what I think might affect your work off the top of my head."
Miles wasn't sure what Veela had to do with anything, but Adrian was already off on other topics, so he only filed it away in his head in case it was important later. Except the subject he brought up was not something Miles expected, and his eyes widened perceptibly before he could catch himself. He tried not to shift uncomfortably under Adrian's scrutiny. This wasn't talking to his co-workers about his problems; this was a doctor's visit, and he could treat it as such, even if certain things were awkward to discuss.
The rest fit with the things he'd been experiencing, so for the moment he listened and tried to keep track of the swirl of additional questions that it all brought up. "Those terms sound pretty close to what I've been experiencing. Pack bonding, dominance issues. When we first got back to the city after our last case, where we'd been living together, my connections to the others seemed particular pronounced. It was...uncomfortable being away from everyone, not having constant awareness of them. It's calmed down some since then. Not gone, but maybe I've figured out how to navigate it?" That was less concerning than the other. "Does the dominance usually manifest as anger? Or could those be two separate issues? Or maybe...I suppose some of the anger could be part of the 'pack' thing. Defense of the pack, maybe?"
Miles rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "And we should circle back around to sex, before we're done today. It's...on the horizon."
Adrian did not sigh. He'd been expecting that, because it was going too well otherwise.
"We'll get back to sex, then. Dominance doesn't have to express as anger but it can. And remember, you got this as a curse, so it's not entirely surprising that it would express that way. Part of the talking work we do with werewolves is to help them turn their darker impulses into more socially acceptable and useful ones. Can we talk about who you were angry with?"
"Both of the more recent instances I can think of were on our last case," Miles said. He was ready with these examples, because this was the part he genuinely needed assistance to work out. "Both with persons of interest. One was...uncooperative, deliberately defiant. I've always been patient in interrogations, but she pushed my buttons in a way I've never experienced. I held it back from a physical standpoint, though it was challenging. I was far harsher verbally than I usually am, though." He smiled wryly. "Usually I'm 'good cop.'"
He paused before continuing, only because thinking about the rest still made him angry. In a human way. And especially since they hadn't found Bridget yet. "The other was our primary suspect. I was involved in taking her into custody, after we'd discovered what she'd done to the members of my team." Miles took a drink of his coffee, though it was starting to get lukewarm. "It went as by the books as it could when a suspect resists arrest, but there was a moment...similar to the other, but far more intense. I wasn't even thinking about what she'd done. Not really. I just had my arm around her neck and I knew that I could end it right there if I wanted." He looked up at the other wizard. "And I wanted to."
"Yeah, that last impulse is the one you want to watch out for. I suggest the usual sort of methods for calming yourself after an incident like that. I'll be sending you away with some reading on that front, but basically meditation and similar relaxation techniques, and spiritual practice if you're inclined that way. I am," Adrian added, "but if you're not already, it won't work well for you.
"Anyroad, yes, sounds like the first one bucked your authority and the second one had--based on what I've read--injured several members of your 'pack' and humiliated you all, so those line up. Do you carry field leadership responsibilities in your usual work routine?"
His tea, what was left of it, was still warm, because he knew exactly how he liked it and his cup was enchanted to keep it at that temperature.
"It's not the after that worries me," Miles said with a bit of a sigh. He couldn't dismiss the advice entirely, though, because his technique of getting some air and walking around was a layman's version of a meditation technique. He also remembered talking through some similar things as a kid when he'd had anger issues. "It seems awfully...well, human compared to the source of the problem. It's not what I expected." Not that he'd known what to expect. He was willing to try anything, really. He could only hope that Adrian's experience with these things would play out the same way for him.
"Not officially, no. Only in certain informal circumstances when I happen to be the most seasoned Auror on whatever case I've been assigned. Given the way things are currently shaping up with the team, it's actually less likely now." Ben had a new, seasoned partner. Miles couldn't work cases with Ariel, because of their relationship. That left ET, Sal, and Max—and, really, ET and Sal's years of experience were so close to his that it was negligible these days. "And, even if I wanted it, I doubt there'd be anything like that in my future."
Adrian nodded, "We'll need to work on training you to deal with those impulses as they happen--though that'll take a while, I won't lie to you about that, and you'll never be rid of them--and I'd say, where you can, let your partner take the lead on cases that you think might trigger that rage. It's not an 'other outlets' kind of problem, you understand. There are magical interventions," he added, "but for this sort of thing, they're both overkill and don't approach the underlying source of the problem. If I went in there and, as it were, restrung the instrument that is your mind to reduce your anger levels, it would alter your personality--not just related to your work situations, but all of it--and worse, it wouldn't keep the curse from making you angry again. The only way to solve the problem would be to cure the curse and then try to deal with the permanent alterations to your personality."
Adrian said that like someone who'd tried it and watched it fail.
"Having said that, yes, it's our long-term goal to cure lycanthropy, mine and Gus'. But that's a lifetime of work and then some for both of us. I don't think we can count on that kind of success in the timeframe that will do anything for your career. Unfortunately."
"Oh, no, I definitely don't want that," Miles said, shaking his head rather forcefully at the thought of Adrian doing any sort of mind spells on him. "I'm okay with not having a quick fix. I never was that sort of guy, and that's one thing, at least, I can say isn't different about me."
He hadn't come here expecting that Adrian would be able to cure his lycanthropy, or even give him hope of it being done—he was enough of a realist to know that wasn't going to be in his lifetime. That didn't stop the throb of disappointment that went through him at the other wizard's words, though. He nodded, but otherwise didn't comment on that in particular.
"So. Let the others take the lead when needed. Find ways to get calmed down after. Start work on dealing with the impulses." It didn't sound like such a bad list, but he knew it was one of those things that would be easier said than done. "I'll take whatever information you might be able to give me on how to approach those things." He chuckled a little and shook his head. "I'm starting to sound a bit like the teacher's pet here, so I should probably do something about that."
Miles sighed and looked up at Adrian. "What do I need to know about sex? I'll admit, it hadn't occurred to me that it would be any different." His reasons for taking things slow with Ariel had more do to with his general concerns, not with the physical act itself, but she'd quieted many of his worries already. Which meant, if there was anything serious he wasn't considering, now was the time to find out. "I probably should have known better, at this point." He chuckled wryly and downed the rest of his lukewarm coffee.
"First: my experience is that lycanthropy patients sometimes take on the wolf trait of 'mating for life'," Adrian told Miles, airquoting the last few words. "Not all of them do--not all wolves do--but they do tend to be monogamous and strongly attached to their mates. So be careful with that. And while there is no evidence at all that lycanthropy is a sexually transmitted curse: don't bite her. Ever."
Miles didn't quite frown at this information, but rather looked pensive. "The biting thing, well, I would have assumed that was fairly obvious." But then, what information was available, he had read, and he supposed that might not be the case with everyone who was turned. "But the other…." The thoughtful expression deepened. "That only affects me, right? There's not some sort of bond magic that flows through to her?"
Adrian shook his head in the negative. "Shouldn't be, but this is what I mean about things like 'don't get involved with a part-Veela' because if other blokes come on to your partner all the time, it gets into all the issues of dominance, anger, desire to harm. And particularly in your profession--I assume you're seeing someone in a similar job because I've been around enough Aurors to know how it goes--the risk of problems for you based on threats to your significant other is real. Or your field partner, for that matter, but since we're talking about sex and love, I'm thinking more about your significant other.
"To counteract that, a loving and close relationship will help balance your nature both emotionally and, quite possibly, in a deep magic way. Department of Mysteries sort of thing," he added, as if he expected that to make sense to Miles. "But that's more of a long-term benefit than something you expect in the early stages of a relationship.
"As far as sex goes, I'd recommend Muggle-style barrier contraception early on, just in case. Evidence is clear so far that lycanthropy is not passed on to any children you may sire. We've seen children grow to young adulthood without any sign of inheriting lycanthropic traits, physical or psychological. I don't know if that matters to you, but if it does, you can rest assured on that point."
"Hmm, I see." Because he could see. Not that he'd experienced any issues of the sort yet—he'd been too busy trying to ignore his feelings altogether for that—but it was one of the things he'd mentioned to her as a concern, and this was a new level of magic applied to that concern. "Former partner. Things are...complex right now. It's Ariel Singleton." He knew she was scheduled to meet with Adrian as well, so the name would be familiar. "It's not a secret. All officially on file with HR as of this week."
And if knowing her identity could help in the future with sorting out issues, Miles was more than willing to give it.
Miles chuckled a little at the last bit in a half attempt to relieve some of the awkwardness of the topic. "Not something that matters as yet, but it's good to know for the future." He hadn't really given kids much thought, other than idly that he wouldn't mind them one day.
"I don't have a lot of definitive and positive news to offer so I'm glad I can offer one reassurance, at least." Adrian gave Miles a tight-lipped smile at the name of the object of his affections. "I've met Auror Singleton. I know there's some additional history there that will bring some complexities to that relationship, and that's in addition to her own situation, which is complicated and difficult enough on its own."
What Adrian really thought was that the NY Auror Office was quite as messy as Potter's office in the UK. There was no escaping it. The madness was everywhere.
Miles nodded. Ariel's history, both recent and old, did bring complications to their relationship, but considering those he was bringing, he thought they had done a pretty good job so far of being open in discussing them. Which was really his goal here, too. For today, though, he was starting to feel pretty talked out. Delving so much into these stressful things was exhausting, and he'd done an awful lot of it over the last week.
"Unless you have other topics you think it would be good to cover, I think I'm good for today," he said after a moment. "I'd like to touch base regularly, as things come up, if I could?" He had quite a list of occurences already, but discussing them when they were fresh might make a difference in learning to deal with them.
"Probably we should set a scheduled time every few weeks, and you can come in and we can discuss research plus any symptoms you've got and want to talk about. And to the extent that you want to put yourself in as a research subject, that will let me do all the draws and other diagnostic measurements I'll need. Obviously that will be subject to your case availability--" Adrian was familiar enough with operations to know better "--but I have a feeling your lot are going to be a significant fraction of my practice for the next while" He grinned wryly at Miles. "And you can always contact me if you need to talk to me between scheduled appointments."
Miles let out a genuine laugh at that. "What gave you that idea?" It wasn't funny that they needed a mind healer for the long haul, but the tension had to break somewhere, and that was where it came for him. He set his coffee cup aside and stood, offering his hand to the other wizard. "I'll check my schedule and get back to you on what works for a regular meeting, cases permitting. And for the rest, too. Tests, adding my case to the cause."
He paused for a second and added, "I know this is your job, but thank you. Even other healers I've met...not everyone is willing to look past the part of me that isn't human now."
"You're welcome. It's not why I got into this practice, but the discouraging lack of empathy some of my colleagues show toward persons affected with lycanthropy has been a strong reason for pushing forward on this front." Adrian made a little noise that might have been a sigh. "One of the best teachers I had at Hogwarts, and the best one we had at Defence the whole time I was there, was forced out after a year because he was discovered to be a werewolf. Kind, gentle, unassuming, smart as a whip, and cursed when he was a child. Never harmed a soul as far as we could tell, but the parents wouldn't trust him near us. They were wrong. I always remember that."
Miles shuddered to think what it would have been like to be cursed as a child and grow up with that stigma. It was bad enough at his age, with thirty years of self-confidence to rebuild, rather than starting from ground zero. It was obvious Adrian felt strongly about it, too, and it made Miles even more confident in his decision to open up to the man. It would hopefully give Miles what he needed to live his life the way he wanted, but hopefully he could also give something back in the process.
"Well, if I can contribute anything that might push your research closer to your goal, I'm in. I'd like to think something good could come out of all this, even if it's not specifically good for me." And with one last nod, he turned to go.