Buffy Anne Summers (strength) wrote in thearenas, @ 2014-07-15 12:49:00 |
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Buffy had done her best. She had kept clear of Angel just like he wanted her to -- even thought it felt like a part of her was missing. She didn't think that anything could hurt her more than having to send him to hell, but she was wrong. Having him nearby but not being able to go to him tore at everything that she was -- everything that was linked to him. When she was killed in that last arena, she knew she couldn't take it any longer. Her last thoughts had been of Angel and she certainly didn't think that she would be alive after the arena was over with. Not that alive had been easy. The nightmares were horrible and she needed Angel. She couldn't do this. So, when he told her that he couldn't do the distance thing, either, something inside her had shifted into place and the panic that she had been feeling. True to her word, she left her room after she signed off the network and headed to the house Angel lived in. She was aware that she didn't look her best, but right now, she couldn't have cared less. When she entered the house, she went to Angel's door and knocked softly. *** Angel was nervous. He'd hated keeping his distance from Buffy, as he always did. There was a reason he'd left Sunnydale -- it was too difficult to be near her. But it felt necessary. With her bizarrely coming from an earlier point in time, there was no way he could have just let them behave as she'd wanted. As though they were together. Like he hadn't walked away already, and done all this before. It was tiring. The Buffy he remembered had been so much older and so very different. She'd come back from the dead and she was changed and the last time he'd seen her... It wasn't easy. And he'd done what he'd had to do and moved on. But her death -- again, damn it -- here had been a whole other kind of hell he didn't want. These arenas were horrible and he'd ended up killing, precisely how he hadn't wanted to, but the worst part was knowing that she had died. He knew what she meant about the nightmares. How could he not? Angel just didn't know how welcome his current state of confusion would be. All he knew for sure right now was that he needed her. He needed to be near her and he needed to assure himself that she was alive. When he heard the knock, he went to the door immediately, opening it to reveal the petite blonde slayer. The look in his eyes hovered somewhere between misery and shock and after a beat, he stepped up without a word and pulled her in to tight embrace. *** When Angel pulled her into his arms, Buffy’s arms immediately came up to wrap around him. She could feel the tears finally starting, but she didn’t pull away from him to wipe her face. She had been so so scared when she came back to her room after her death and she still didn’t know what to make of the arena, her death or anything like that. “I didn’t get to say goodbye,” were the only words that she managed to get out for a few minutes as she clung to the vampire that she knew was the other part of her soul. “The blade entered my chest and all I could think was that I never got to see you to tell you goodbye and that I was sorry for letting you down again.” She let her face rest against his chest, taking in the scent that was uniquely Angel. She hadn’t planned on crying in front of him, but apparently she didn’t get a choice. “The nightmares… oh god, Angel. The nightmares keep me in a state of confusion and pain as they keep blending the arena with things that have happened in the last two years and I can’t escape the dream until it lets me go.” *** He felt her tears as she started crying and it took everything in him to hold it together. She was so scared. He could scent it coming off of her in waves and he felt almost sick with it. "Shh, now," he murmured to her, her words cutting him deeply. He hadn't been able to say goodbye either. Not here, and not back in their world, and it killed him to think that in both situations, he wasn't by her side where he knew he should be. "Letting me down? How could you possibly let me down? You're so brave, Buffy. I'm so sorry." He held her tighter and moved them both inside of his room carefully, keeping her close against his chest. Part of him was afraid to let her go at all and he was more than willing to let her stand in his arms. He wanted to be there for her. He wanted to be steady for her. "They won't bring you pain anymore," he said fiercely. "I won't let that happen." *** She walked with him as they went further into his room without letting go of her hold on him. Having him there with her helped to ease the fear and the bite of panic that she had been feeling since waking up from her death in the arena several days ago. Having him holding helped to make the chaos in her mind ease somewhat. She made a little hiccuping sound at his fierce declaration. "I don't think you can keep these alien kidnappers from causing me pain, Angel. They seem to like messing with all of us." She took a deep breath, her tears slowing down and her shaking also calming. a little bit. "Angel, can I stay here tonight? I'll sleep on the floor and you will hardly notice that I'm here. I just don't think I can take one more night waking up with the nightmares and the fear of his weapon in my chest riding me." *** "I can try," he said, his tone almost a growl then. He was so tired of getting pushed around by these aliens. They'd put him in a situation where he'd chosen to kill. They'd put her in a situation where she'd died. Angel couldn't help but hold her still, stroking her hair and down her back, feeling her distress and wanting to take it all into himself so that she wouldn't suffer anymore. At her request, he pulled back and looked at her, his expression pained. "Of course you can stay here," he said softly. Part of him was racking his brain, trying to remember from her perspective whether that had been something they'd enjoyed, the other part of him didn't really care. "You'll stay with me. And I'm not letting you stay on the floor. Buffy, I -- I can't keep doing this. You thought I was evil when we first arrived. And I haven't told you what's happened in all that time you don't remember. It's not important right now. What's important is that I keep you safe. I just --" He cut himself off, not daring to go further and reveal anything he couldn’t take back. *** "So, we'll talk and we'll figure all of this out, together, Angel. It what usually works in the past and I only thought you were evil because I had just..." Put a sword through his chest. "It wasn't so much that you were evil, just my fear that you hated me." She rested her head against his chest. "But, I can't do this anymore, love. I can't keep having to stay away from you until something happens that breaks me into little pieces." *** "God, Buffy. If anything, you should hate me," Angel felt like his heart was breaking all over again. This little blonde slayer in his arms was so trusting of him, and she had no idea of what he'd done to her. What he had done, and not Angelus, because he couldn't blame his wrongdoings on his soulless self. Not this time. It was why he'd needed to keep his distance. It was so unfair to take advantage of her this way when she didn't know what lay ahead. It was her use of the word 'love' though that stalled him and had him suddenly making the exact promises he'd never been able to keep. "I'm here. I won't leave you. You don't have to be alone." *** She nodded. her face still against his chest. There were so many things she wanted to say and ask him. but right now, she was just enjoying the feeling of being safe for the first time since she had arrived here -- maybe since before that, even. The last six months of her life before the kidnapping hadn't exactly been the best for her, either. "Just hold me for awhile, all right? I don't care if we talk or not or even what we talk about. I just... I really need you to hold me for awhile." She hated how weak she sounded at this moment. She was supposed to be The Slayer and she was supposed to be stronger than anything. She just didn't feel all that strong right now. *** "Of course," he murmured above her head. "We don't have to talk. I'm just...so sorry, Buffy." He could do that, just be there and hold her. He absolutely wanted to do that, and maybe right now it wasn't important, all the other horrible crap that had happened in their lives. Angel wished for nothing more than to be there for her now. And with how hopeless their situation seemed to be, even at the best of times, he could indulge in what he wanted in the moment. They were stuck here. Together. The least he could do was make that matter. *** |