InsaneJournal

Who: Lily Evans
What: Internal struggle
When: Wednesday night
Where: A tree
Rating: PG
Status: Complete log

Lily hadn't meant to throw everything at Sirius like that. She had been thinking about James non stop and still couldn't figure out what it was she really wanted. She wanted to take her friend's opinions in to help weigh her judgement, but she felt like they were on opposite sides of the spectrum. She understood what Molly was telling her; she went from loathing the boy to adoring him in a span of a week. That was fast. Scary fast. But then she could also understand Sirius' points; why couldn't they get to know each other and still be together? That seemed like a coupley thing to do. It finally got to be too much and she needed to get out. She shut her journal and grabbed a sweater before heading out of the common room and down the hallway. At first she thought a flight around the pitch would be ideal, but she might run into him. While she had been wanting to see him for quite some time, she couldn't bring herself to face him now. She was sure Sirius was already writing a journal entry or even talking to him in person about the Hogsmeade date. She suddenly felt nervous that James would decline and tell Sirius he was no longer interested. And then she would have to pretend to be strong and that she didn't care, when it would be a lie.

Her feet turned from going to the pitch and headed in the direction of the lake. It was always a good choice to make, although she didn't want to be found by anyone, not at the moment. She spied a tree by the water and made for it. Her hands grasped the lowest branch and she pulled herself up. Thank Merlin for jeans. She continued to climb, higher and higher. The bark scratched against her palms, but she didn't mind; she could barely feel it. She was about halfway up the tree when she stopped, moving to sit with her back against the trunk. She glanced down and was happy to see that the branches and leaves hid her from any prying eyes, even if someone were to look up. She sighed and closed her eyes, head leaning back. She allowed her thoughts to drift back to her internal struggle and James.

If she wanted to be completely honest with herself, she wanted to be with James. It didn't make sense since she had loathed him for so many years, but did that really matter? Logic wasn't important when it came down to it. Wasn't love suppose to be random and full of surprises? Ok, maybe not love...or was it? She shook her head. She wasn't here to debate whether she loved James or not, but whether she wanted to be with him. And the choice seemed obvious. Whatever it was that drew her to him lately, it hadn't gone away. She thought about him in class, at meals, while she was trying to do her homework...She was beginning to see what it might have been like for him these past couple of years.

She knew what she wanted, but what if it wasn't what he wanted now? She knew he was hurt but had been afraid to go up to him and talk to him. She didn't want to be brushed off over and over again. She found herself hoping that Sirius would be able to convince him to ask her to Hogsmeade that weekend. Maybe she would be able to talk to him then and straighten everything out.

Her foot dangling off the branch, she rested her arm on her knee, looking out at the lake. It seemed simpler before this, when she had simply loathed him. She was herself, carefree and not caring about boys, not sitting up in a damn tree thinking about a certain messy haired boy with glasses. She sighed, closing her eyes. Still, even if it was a simpler time, she wouldn't trade it. She liked knowing this side to James and knowing that his teasing wasn't just him being a prat. He was a good guy and she had thrown it all in his face. If James did agree to go to Hogsmeade with her, it would certainly be an awkward thing for Lily to admit. But she would do it however many times it took for him to just look at her again.