InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "THERE...ARE...FOUR...LIGHTS!"

_withoutacause (_withoutacause) wrote in the_recruitment,
@ 2012-02-15 12:44:00

Entry tags:

! 02/1977, ! complete, ! thread, char: james potter, char: sirius black

Who: Sirius and James
What: Possibly talking it out
When: Tuesday, before This thread
Where: Gryffindor Boys Dorm
Rating: PG-13, for possible swearing
Status: Incomplete

Sirius was hiding. There really wasn't any other way to put it. He had woken alone a few hours before, having slept the day and night away. He knew there had been nightmares, could taste them in the bitterness in his throat, but even they hadn't been able to break him out of his stupor.

He had dragged himself into the shower a few hours before, hoping the scalding hot water could wash away some of the filth he felt on his skin. He wasn't sure how long he'd spent under the spray, scrubbing till his skin was red and raw, but it hadn't done anything. He still felt wrong, dirty, and no amount of water was going to make that go away.

He crawled back into his bed and closed the curtains, feeling the water drip down his face and pretending it was from his shower. He was... He was completely fucked.

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prongsed
2012-02-15 09:21 pm UTC (link)

Breakfast was entirely too quiet without his raucous partner-in-crime. James felt the pang of absence deeply, falling into a quiet state which was entirely unlike him and drew more than a few curious looks from Gryffindors as well as others. Many of them had seen him go off during the ball and McGonagall having to drag him out, and a few others had spread the tale of Sirius going off with Lucius Malfoy, so that the rumours about that night were starting to get wildly out of hand. He'd gritted his teeth for most of the morning while he tried and failed to eat his porridge and drink his entirely too bland pumpkin juice. Since he hadn't been at breakfast the day before, he was privy to all of the gossip that morning and he just couldn't take it anymore.

Sitting up abruptly, he glared at those nearest to him and snarled, "SHUT UP ALREADY!" before pushing away from his seat roughly and charging out of the Great Hall. He'd left several agitated whispers behind him as he marched his way back up to Gryffindor Tower, hoping to just get away from it all. During the whole trudge through the castle, James thought about the events as they'd unfolded on Sunday, how it started out a perfectly fun dance and then... and then all of their lives were in an uproar and he'd almost hit his mate and Lily had seen it all and he just couldn't think.

Soon as he'd approached the Fat Lady, he had to try several times to give the right password which had her looking questioningly at him. She was about to ask what the matter was, till he gave her a deadpan look and she just let him in without another word. He started to pace the common room, trying to let his mind wander to anything else, but he couldn't make the awful, all-encompassing discomfort go away like this. With an irritable sigh, he headed up for the dorm he shared with his mates... sure they're still your mates? Even his mind was taunting him as he slipped through the doors and wanted to just fall atop his four poster and sleep the day away.

When he'd gotten half-way, he saw that Sirius's curtains were closed and curiosity overcame him. Well, more than just curiosity, but he didn't want to think as to the other motivations that had him walking over cautiously.

"Padfoot?" he tried, reaching a hand out to the curtains. Suddenly unsure that he really wanted to talk.

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_withoutacause
2012-02-15 09:52 pm UTC (link)

Sirius stiffened when he heard James voice and felt the curtains pull back. He didn't want to have this out, not now. He didn't have anything left in him for this fight.

Glad his back was to James, Sirius scrubbed a hand over his face, trying to hide the fact that he'd been lying here crying like a little girl.

"Go way James," he muttered, trying to sound surly but only really managing to sound lost.

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prongsed
2012-02-16 04:17 am UTC (link)

At Sirius's brush-off, James almost wanted to get mad. He'd been worried for Merlin's sake. The rumours were about his best mate and he couldn't take it, so he wanted to actually fix the situation. And he was being given the brush-off?

Calm down and just... talk, he reminded himself. He didn't need to start a row. Just figure things out. With a tentative voice, hoping that he wouldn't make Sirius mad, he tried to feel his mate out and hoped for the best.

"I've got nowhere to go. The sods at breakfast don't know their arses from their heads and the common room is empty. I reckon this place has the most action." He tried grinning, but it came out more like a half-frown.

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_withoutacause
2012-02-16 04:31 am UTC (link)

Sirius laughed, but couldn't help that it sounded more like a sob. He tried to make himself smaller without it being obvious, pulling his legs closer to his chest and digging the heels of his hands into his eyes. Merlin, he was falling apart. He didn't want James to see him like this, didn't want anyone to know just how empty he felt.

"It's a real party in here," he murmured, not turning around.

He almost asked James to leave again, desperatly wanting to be alone. But... He hated fighting with James. Hated when they weren't on the same side. It was awful. And maybe... Maybe James didn't want to fight anymore either.

"The venue is small," He said softly, "But I suppose there's room for two."

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prongsed
2012-02-16 04:44 am UTC (link)

He felt a genuine smile touch his lips as soon as his mate gave him the essential okay to talk. James knew that it wouldn't be easy, but he wanted to try figuring out what happened, for Sirius's sake and for their group's friendship. They were the Marauders. They needed to stick together.

Gingerly sitting upon the bed next to Sirius, he looked over and tugged on his mate's hair, trying to keep the conversation light.

"Y'know, your hair's starting to look as greasy as Snivellus. Sure you want to be associated with that image?" It was a slight ribbing that he hoped would open up some doors, but even if it didn't, he was content to just... sit here and not be mad at one another. It hadn't slipped his notice how small Sirius looked, and while he wanted to comment, he didn't know how to approach it. They'd never been a pair of open books to one another where emotions were concerned. Remus always handled that part better than any of them.

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_withoutacause
2012-02-16 04:54 am UTC (link)

Sirius knew he was supposed to answer the comment with a rib of his own, make fun of James' glasses or his rumpled shirt or... Something. He was supposed to keep it light, and playful, and when they finally got to anything important they'd use as few words as possible, and all disagreements would be settled by a wrestling match. And then all would be back to normal, they could move on.

Sirius had already thought out several choice insults. 'I'm surprised you can see that far' or 'At least I don't look like a porcupine.' But when he did finally speak, it was like his brain had forgotten all the rules about male best friends.

"I was in the shower for two hours this morning, but I still don't feel clean. I can't get the smell out of my skin."

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prongsed
2012-02-16 07:02 am UTC (link)

The statement wasn't so profound on its own, but what it stood for really had James in a knot. He didn't know how he should feel about what it might mean or what it implied or all sorts of what ifs that he really, really didn't want to deal with. It wasn't their usual sort of conversation, but he did try to push through.

"Well... did you try scourgify?" Lame James, lame. He just didn't know how to say anything right, so he leaned his head back and really thought. How would he be dealing with the situation if it were reversed? Glancing sideways at Sirius, he realised how scared and hurt his mate must be, and how bloody awful it felt to be seen like that. He went through all sorts of scenarios in his mind and finally just picked one, going for broke. He then turned round, sitting up straight with legs crossed as he faced Sirius's back. It was now or never.

"Hey, I'm sorry I was such a prat. I didn't realise that there was more going on. Y'know you can talk to me, right? Best bromates for life. Mum'd be so worried about you if she could see you, y'know." It was the closest thing to an intimate conversation that they'd had aside from that night Sirius had come to his family after his huge family row.

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_withoutacause
2012-02-16 07:19 am UTC (link)

Sirius could tell that James was thinking very, very hard. He knew the exact sounds his friend made when he was working out a problem in his head, and he had to admit it was strange to know the problem James was working on was himself. He had regretted mentioning the shower the moment it was out of his mouth, sure that it said too much about something he wasn't even completely sure of himself.

"Hey, I'm sorry I was such a prat. I didn't realise that there was more going on. Y'know you can talk to me, right? Best bromates for life. Mum'd be so worried about you if she could see you, y'know."

Sirius held still for a moment, then slowly sat up. He knew the moment he did James would be looking at him, seeing things in his eyes that he had wanted to keep hidden. But this was James, so maybe he wouldn't notice. And if he did, maybe he at least wouldn't say anything about it.

"I don't remember much," he sighed, pulling his legs up to his chest. "Just bits and pieces. I remember what I said to Remus," and Fuck he was never going to forget the look on Remus' face "but it was like I was watching some other person. Like it wasn't me doing any of it." He looked over at James, pleading. "I swear I didn't mean it Prongs. Malfoy must have slipped me something."

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prongsed
2012-02-16 08:03 am UTC (link)

James felt distinctly uncomfortable when Sirius faced him. He wasn't used to seeing his bloody best mate this sad or broken. It wasn't normal, and finally he was realising that there was more to it than he'd assumed. He felt like the biggest arsehole as he sat there, listening to Sirius's pleading explanation.

"I know... I mean, I reckon he must've. He's a slimy git and you've got better taste than that." James started to grin, but it didn't feel right. He let a tense minute pass by till he just decided.

He did something then that he never thought he would do. He leaned forward and pulled Sirius into a hug, holding on tightly with no regrets. No looking back.

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_withoutacause
2012-02-16 08:17 am UTC (link)

Sirius tensed the moment James put his arms around him, more than a little shocked. He and James didn't hug. Punch, shove, clap on the shoulder, sure, but hug? The only person he ever actually hugged was Remus. But a second later he relaxed into it, taking it as the sign of acceptance and forgiveness that it was.

He rested his head on James' shoulder, and was mortified to find that he was tearing up again. He hadn't cried like this since he was a child, but now he couldn't seem to stop.

"I'm sorry," he whimpered, tryting to pull himself together. "I'm..."

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prongsed
2012-02-16 08:48 am UTC (link)

"Don't worry about it, just..." he paused, unsure if he was doing the right thing; but after feeling like he had before, surely anything was better than arguing or being cold to one another. "...just let it out."

James sat there facing Sirius, holding onto him like he was a lost little boy, and feeling a stabbing pain in his gut at how awful he felt for his mate. If only he could do something more, if he and the others could get him to remember, maybe it would be easier to go from there.

He let his mind wander as he just tightened his hold, leaning his own head against Sirius and feeling like his heart was breaking for the only bloke he'd ever considered as close to family.

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	_withoutacause 2012-02-16 05:35 pm UTC (link)
	Sirius clung to James, crying silently against his shoulder. It was both cathartic and horribly embarrasing all at once, but he just couldn't stop. "James," he whimpered, sounding like a five year old and hating himself for it. "Please just don't hate me anymore. You, and Remus, and Peter, you're the only family I have." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

prongsed
2012-02-17 08:42 am UTC (link)

James let his mate cry it out, hoping that after this, they would overcome all of the unpleasantness of the last day. He nodded silently at Sirius's words, knowing that he couldn't hate his best mate anymore than he could hate himself.

"It's all right, I don't hate you. Never did, just didn't get it. But I think I do now." He was determined to prove his words right, and to try and find a way to help Sirius through this.

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	_withoutacause 2012-02-17 06:37 pm UTC (link)
	Sirius took a ragged breath, then pulled away. He gave James watery grin, then srubbed a hand over his face and sighed. "Okay. Well, I think this is definatly something we should file under 'never talking about it again.' Right up there with the Great Purple Arse incident, eh?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prongsed 2012-02-18 06:31 am UTC (link)
	James tossd his mate a passable grin and nodded, pulling away and sitting semi-awkwardly after what had just transpired between the two. "Or like the ankle-grabbing hex that backfired. My lips are sealed, mate. Y'reckon you can get some sleep? You look like hell." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_withoutacause 2012-02-18 06:57 am UTC (link)
	Sirius laughed humorlessly. "Think I slept for eighteen hours yesterday. If I sleep again now I'll be Rip Van Winkle." And there'll be dreams. I just know there'll be dreams... "You don't have to stay," he said, hoping James wouldn't take it as a rejection. "I'm... I'll be okay." (Reply to this) (Parent)