Can't Because Shouldn't Who: Lochlan and Eily Where: Eily's place When: Morning
Eily had been out with Ben, and had a great time. She felt relaxed by the time she got home, a light, giddy sort of sensation that had overtaken the sick worry that had seemed to creep into her life and infect everything. She’d crashed hard, sleeping deeply til she slept herself out, then she got up, trudged to the livingroom, and fell face first onto the couch.
Lochlan had been sleeping off his conversation with everyone in his family it seemed. Except Eily. And no alcohol. It had been rough but he'd managed to crash on Eily's couch and actually got to sleep at some point. Until she apparently forgot a couch existed in her life. And was face first on his chest. Lochlan woke with a start and a laugh. "Whoa, you okay there?" he asked before he'd taken a deep breath and smelled the man on her. "Like really okay?"
She blinked when she didn't land on soft cushions, and instead landed on soft cousins. She laughed a little herself and didn't move, shifting a little to get comfy. "Mmhmm." she told him, sleep fuzz still in her brain and vocal cords, as they were a little smokey right then. She had a naturally slightly hoarse voice, but it got worse when she was just up in the morning. "Whussup?" she asked him. Then she paused and narrowed her blue eyes at him, peering through tossled hair. "Aren'tchoo s'posta have a bed now?"
He laughed, the action tightening his chest beneath her but not so disruptive as to make her jump up. This was like the best present ever because she had no right to yell at him for anything. Though… although… there was a smell about her that made him annoyed some. He'd smelled it before but taken very little notice. Except now it was a repeat and she was acting out of the ordinary. "Yeah, I guess I am. Aren't you supposed to actually find your own bed? What the hell, Eily?"
She laughed again, grinning. She rested her chin on his chest to peer up at him as she spoke. "You are! You live here now." she reminded him. He'd totally agreed and everything. "Beds. They're all the rage these days." she assured him, nodding but the motion was interrupted by the fact that her chin was on his chest and it wasn't conducive to nodding. "And I was there. But then I woke up. But I'm good with being super lazy today." she told him, sounding pleased about that. "What the hell what?" she asked, confused.
Lochlan scooted up a bit and petted her hair. "I think you sound like you're drunk and I really say 'you go girl' to that!" He answered though he hated it when combined with the scent of that guy. "Where's your bed? I'll help you to it."
Eily wrinkled her nose cutely. "I'm not drunk. Just...in a good mood and still kinda sleepy cuz it was a late night." she told him. "And you know where my bed is." she said, making a vague gesture with one hand. Since he scooted up, she had to move, but she did give him a squeeze. "I love you, you know that, Lochlan? You're awesome." she added, not at all helping out the idea that she wasn't shit faced. But she wasn’t.
Yeah he knew where her bed was. Had fought himself from wandering over there to just stare at her at times. So to find her with her head on him, acting in whatever way this was? It was strange. He'd almost wished she was drunk… She loved him, he was awesome? She was… She had to be drunk. He grumbled about it not being right and started to stand with the idea of putting her to bed.
Eily sat up, making a face. "What's not right?" she asked, that sort of cutting through her good mood. Plus he was moving, and all that, so she was wondering what she was missing. God, had it been that long since she was in this good a mood? He thought something was wrong with her? That...was a terrible thought. "I'm not allowed to be in a good mood and feeling appreciative of my loved ones?"
"Oh you're more than allowed to do that," he replied with a half smile, pausing before fully getting up to look at her. "But uh, since when do you get borderline cuddly and tell me you love me?" As soon as he asked that part of him wished he had no reason to question it. Couldn't he just take it as it was, enjoy it, and not wonder about the motivation or that stupid smell? Which begged the question of why he wanted Eily to be cuddly with him in the first place. That was what wasn't right. Oh man, he was all kinds of messed up with this werewolf thing. It was making him desperate for her calm and level-headedness to the point he was blurring lines. That was psychologically a thing that wasn't right, wasn't it?
Eily shrugged one shoulder. "I don't know. Things have been really dire lately. It seems like most of the conversations I've had with you are during stressy times. You nearly died not long ago, remember? And I just...like I said, I'm in a good mood. Sorry that's so fucked up these days that you're..." she made a vague gesture at him. Now it seemed like a good idea to go to bed. She sighed, pushed herself back to her feet, and turned in that direction. She got it she probably did seem drunk or something, but at the same time, it just said something supremely depressing that she couldn't be affectionate and happy without it coming off that way. Or making Lochlan grill her about it and mutter about things being 'not right'.
Lochlan frowned, hard. He'd killed her good mood or her buzz or whatever was happening with her and he'd had no right. Who was he to stop her from letting her hair down by being judgmental? Didn't she deserve to have that once in a while. It was just … the smell and the feeling like he wanted to go after her and hold her. "Hey," he said, standing up finally but not moving toward her because he didn't trust himself. His was confused by all this stuff and that was all it was. "Hey, for real, I'm happy you're happy. It's been a long, long time since I've seen you truly happy. Too long, Eily. Don't let me of all people burst your bubble, okay?" He reached for his shirt and pulled it on even though he was hotter than snot and looked at the back of her head, wondering what to say next or if he should just let her go to bed. Or whatever she was going to do.
She stopped when he spoke, really not wanting to be fighting with him or whatever this was in the first place. She turned back toward him, listening to him. "What's going on with you?" she asked, walking back over to him, concerned. Her happy was officially dampened, but she definitely was concerned, too. "Is it the senses thing?" she asked. "Is there any more about that? Has it gotten any better?"
Lochlan looked off to the side and gathered his thoughts as she turned back. A lot felt like it had happened since they'd last talked in the park. "I went to this meeting. I don't know if Pat told you or not. But it was for people who'd been attacked by the wolves. This doctor did his research and his best consensus was that we're werewolves. And I know," he said quickly, "I know that sounds like crap, and I don't know if I even believe it. But I talked to Aidan and Patrick and we all think there needs to be some failsafe in place. Just in case. Better safe than sorry and I really don't want to hurt anyone. Least of all you." He looked at her, his frown replaced with a torn expression. He didn't want to be something she was scared of.
Eily shook her head, and she felt a little like she missed a step. Like she was falling, just a little. She blinked, and stared at him. She wound up opening her mouth, then shutting it, and then she sat down on the couch, staring at the floor. "And no one thought maybe I should be told?" she asked quietly.
"I'm telling you, Eily," he said, his eyes on hers. "I'm telling you as soon as I've seen you since I found out. It's not something I would text. This is all about to be real if it's real." And what the ever loving hell was that smell? "That guy you were with earlier. Was he bitten too?"
"How did--" she started, and then she answered her own question. "You can smell Ben on me." she said. "No. Or, not that I know of. I think he would have said." she answered. "Next time, call me and tell me to get my ass home the second you do find out about something like that." she said. She scrubbed her hands over her face, and she wasn't sure what else to say. No. Scratch that. She did. She looked up at him. "What can I do to help?"
Lochlan felt bruised. He had a name and she recognized that it wasn't supposed to be possible that he knew she was out with "Ben."
He smiled a bit. "Yeah, sure. Next time I figure out something weird and impossible might be happening I'll do that." His voice was ironic, slightly amused. How could he predict that he needed her? Or well… that he needed her in a way that wasn't … wrong. It was wrong, wasn't it? To be jealous of "Ben" and of her happiness. That it hadn't come from him. That she wasn't being cuddly with him -- she was expressing her happiness over someone else.
"I don't know," he answered, feeling like the air beneath him had vanished.
She reached out, and grabbed his hand, and yanked him back down to the couch with her. "Come here." she said, putting her arms around Lochlan. She hugged him, drawing in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. "What am I gonna do with you?" she asked. "And what am I going to need to buy chew toys?" she asked, having to tease. Did she believe in the werewolf thing? She didn't know. All she did know was things were all over the place, and they lived in a world occupied by zombies. So, maybe man wasn't done getting shocked over things. And in the end? It didn't matter. Her family was her family, and if that's what they were, or even what they thought they were? She was in. However that went.
Lochlan followed her, willingly even though he was reluctant. Feeling her arms around him meant he felt so much calmer than he had since all of this began. He hugged her close and tried not to laugh too hard. "Chew toys? You're really not worried that much huh?" he asked, feeling some relief in that. He breathed her in, unable not to, and tried to divide the calming scent of her from that of "Ben's." He pulled back a little and looked at her. She really was beautiful. Was he just realizing this or was it something to do with all of this crazy wolf stuff? He didn't know. But he wanted no more "Ben" that was for sure.
"We got through a zombie apocalypse." Eily said, giving him a smile. "I mean, after that? Whatever. Everything else is cake, if we want it to be." she said. Which was more confident than she felt, but it wasn't that far off. Of course she wasn't blowing it off, and if they needed to take precautions, then they needed to. But part of her was still of a mind that together they could face down anything.
She was trying very hard to ignore the pinch in the back of her mind that was still distressed over not having been told immediately if not sooner.
"We did, but none of us actually turned into zombies ourselves, Eils. We're turning into something worse, maybe. That doesn't seem like a piece of cake from where I'm standing. And something I don't have a choice in. If it's true." He sat back from her, not really wanting to but needing to. He was with her though, feeling like they could face down anything … together. Except together meant something different for him lately. Apparently. He felt guilty and looked down at his hands. "So… uh, how was your date or whatever?" he asked, both to change the subject and to find out more information on this "Ben" guy she'd been with.
"Okay, look at me." Eily said, shifting so she was fully facing him and instead of waiting for him to do it on his own, she reached up to turn his face towards hers, hands on his cheeks, and she kept them there, locking eyes, blue to blue. "You're still you. Patrick's still his cranky ass. So, there'll be changes. I get it. But for me? It's not actually different. It's just another winding, rough road to head down. Been there, done that. We did pretty damn good, if I remember correctly, right?"
Leave it to Eily to pare it all down to the ground. Make it all be realistic and overcomeable. Leave it to her to look right into him and ask him to do things for her. It's what he'd wanted, to calm him, to make him feel like there was some hope here somewhere of not becoming a total monster. Her hands on his face, he couldn't help it, he closed his eyes for a moment and then shook her away without meaning to. "Right, yeah, I'm still a flake, he's still a bitch. You're still the glue. Doesn't make it not scary, Eily."
She dropped her hands to her lap, watching him. She sat next to him again, and dropped her head to his shoulder. "I know." she said. "But I remember whenever I was scared, I went to you. And you used to come to me. We'd sit in that stupid lookout deer blind, and find excuses not to go back to the house right away, because it felt a little bit better to just...stick around. I slept better in there on that hard wood floor with the ratty blanket, than I did inside the house in a bed. Fear has exactly as much power over you as you give it. I always gave mine to you. You seemed to shoulder it just fine."
Lochlan listened to her and he knew she was right. She knew his history -- their history -- backward and forward. He had taken his fear to her and vice versa. There was something standing between them now and he knew it was of his own making. Especially with her head on his shoulder, his arm encircling her shoulders. And he felt so wrong. His motivation wasn't the same to be the support system as they'd been before. It was because he wanted this closeness with her. He looked at that, the raw fact of it, and couldn't stomach her finding out. This wolf thing had made him defective. "The deer blind, yeah," he muttered, trying to follow. "I don't know if this is the same thing though. If I turn into something else we don't have equal footing." How would she begin to understand?
"Why wouldn't we?" she asked. Then she smirked faintly. "I mean, I turn into a raging beast a few days a month too, right?" she had to tease. "I know you're worried, but you know who I am?" she asked, going on before he could say anything. "I'm Eily. The best cousin in the world. And you know me. No matter what? I'm always going to be there. Even if you're fuzzy for more reasons than you forgetting to shave."
He wanted to joke with her, chuckle at her PMS joke because yeah he knew not to mess with Eily when she was in the midst. But he was going to maybe be a thing that could kill her. And not even know he was doing it. Maybe. Some part of him also, wanted to simply claim her. Cousin or not, she was his ultimate ally and best friend. The one person he could see himself… spending the rest of his life with. Shit. He shook his head more vehemently and stood up like he'd been burned because his next move was to kiss her. Kiss her for being so damned loyal and brave and trying to make him laugh about this somehow. Shit, shit, shit. "No, Eily, you have to go or something. Find somewhere way, far away from me and Patrick and take Avery and Darcy with you, okay?"
Blinking, Eily had no clue what just happened there, but she was shocked. "What? No." she said, her tone a scoff. "And you know me well enough to know that wouldn't even get entertained for two seconds. And I'm more stubborn than you. I'm going nowhere. I'm here, with you, and you're going to have to deal with it. So calm down." she told him. "I get it, this is scary. All the more reason for you not to deal with it alone. Or with just Patrick to talk to, because...yeah."
He looked at her for a moment, a long one, trying to figure out what he could even say next. He wanted her safe, away from harm. But he wanted her here, with him, making sure he had two feet on the ground… and other things. Things he felt so embarrassed about. "You can't, Eily," he protested. "I can't -" he started and redirected. "You have no idea what could happen. And it can't be as easy as just sitting on Pat's chest. Not if we're rabid wolves or something. You know that, right?"
"And I've been afraid of the unknown when?" Eily snapped. "You're freaking out again." she pointed out. "And yeah, I know that. You're not getting the part where I don't care. Where that still isn't going to run me off. Whatever's happening, it's happening with me involved, and we're getting through this together. Even if I have to do it dragging your ass behind me kicking and screaming."
He inadvertently leaned forward, prepared to act on that kiss he wanted. Seemed to need. But his eyes went wide and he stayed fixed to his spot. "Yeah, right," he answered, too scared to disagree at this point. His body wanted to rebel and she wasn't making it easy for him. Not that she had any idea. "You should care though, Eily. If we get to be worse than we were in the hospital, you'll get hurt. Really horribly. And I can't be part of that. I'd rather be dead, in all honesty. I'm not saying no to getting through it together. Pat and I made sure we were O'Reilly only when we left that meeting but it's not okay for you to get hurt."
"Not if we change the circumstances." Eily said first. "You're not thinking through this logically. What happened at the hospital? Was crazy. We all agree. And we can take steps that that doesn't happen again, or if it does, there's I don't know, a fucking time out chair if we need it. And I'll do my best not to get in the middle, to not get hurt. You're jumping the gun. Let's see what happens first. Then we'll go from there. But not before. And I'm not going to go abandon people because of fear. Fuck that. No."
Lochlan looked at her sideways, trying to make all of this stop being weird. "I'm not saying abandon anyone. We could both use you. Probably everyone in the dome could use someone in their life like you. But you can't be in the middle of it if we go were-wolfy. Come on, please? Don't do that. I couldn't live - live if I knew you'd been hurt because of this. I don't want to be in this with other people. It has to be O'Reillys but you can't be around if we turn. Promise?"
Eily stood up, and narrowed her eyes, considering. "Where are you going to go? Someplace safe for you? Because I want you to be safe too. And how far away is 'not around'?" she asked, willing to negotiate, but she wanted the terms to be iron clad.
He watched her stand and rubbed the scruff on his cheeks with his hands, fidgeting. "I have no idea yet except that I think Aidan is going to be working on some pens to hold us. And I got a random text from the doctor guy yesterday saying he was cooking up something too. I didn't answer but if he texts again I'll see what's up." He wanted her to sit back down. He wanted her to stay standing. "As far away as you can get from wherever we end up. That's what I mean by 'not around.'"
Clearly, she needed to talk to Aidan too. "Well I'm going to help with whatever." Eily said. "If I can help then at the very least, I'll feel like I can approve what's going on. So there. That's happening. You'll have to tell me where and when, or I'll talk to Aidan, or something, but still. She considered the other part. "We'll see. I'm not saying no." she told him. She wasn't saying yes yet either, but she wasn't going to shoot things down right now either. She didn't know enough yet to do something like that.
"Figured as much," he replied with a nod. "No keeping an O'Reilly woman down, eh?" He attempted a smile that might just have looked like he had gas. "I'll keep you informed of whatever happens, you have my word. But uh. Don't let this shit keep you from being happy, Eils. Okay?" And in that moment he wondered if she would be as sad if something went wrong and he never came back as he would if the situation were reversed. He gave her a pained look but said nothing as she insisted she wasn't saying no. He knew she was too stubborn to talk out of what she'd made her mind up to do. He took a deep breath and put his face in his hands, wiping sleep and fear from his eyes.
"No, there really isn't." she agreed. When he said the next part, then went all face-handsy, she hugged him again. "Hey." she said, squeezing him. "Don't worry about me right now, okay? I've got it covered. It's my watch right now. I'm good. I'll let you know if I need a break." she told him, knocking her head against his lightly. "But I'm okay." And she was going to keep saying that until it was true. Though weirdly, for the moment, she actually did feel weirdly calm. Maybe it was that she'd had a good night the night before. Maybe it was having a word to put to whatever was happening with Patrick and Lochlan, no matter how scary that word was. She didn't know, but she was actually feeling pretty stable.
Lochlan looked over at her when she hugged him and impulsively kissed her cheek. Though he blinked several times and looked away, not sure why he'd done that. Or rather, too sure and not wanting to think about it. "I'll worry if I damn well want to," he answered though his tone was playful, laughing off the weird feeling he'd gotten when he'd done that. And the smell around her. "Who is that, by the way? I smelled him before."
Eily, for her part, didn't think anything of the kiss. She didn't find it weird or anything. She just gave him another squeeze for it. She then let go and lightly punched him on the chest. "No! No worrying! This I decree!" she teased in return. Then she answered his question. "Ben." she said. "I met him when I went to find an ice pack for my head after the incident at the hospital. I met up with him last night. He gave me this hair pin...want to see?" she asked, smiling brightly at him. "It's the first super duper girly thing I've had since pompoms!"
He glanced at her, not sure what to make of the fact she was parading this Ben guy. His hair pin. What the hell even? Still he leaned toward her and smiled. "Super duper girly. Right, I do want to see that because I kind of don't believe it." This guy made her so happy she came across drunk? This guy was so amazing that she came home blissful for the first time in as long as Lochlan could remember. He didn't want to, but Lochlan hated the guy.
Eily laughed. "Oh, you have to see." she said, tugging him in the direction of her bedroom. She walked in, and grabbed the pin from her nightstand where she'd dropped it, holding it out to Lochlan. The butterfly was still just as nice as the night before. "See? Girly." she said as she dropped to sit on her unmade bed.
Lochlan went with her, into her bedroom. The smell of Eily so pungent in here that it was almost staggering. He stayed standing as she sat on the bed. He took the pin from her and examined it with one raised brow. "Super duper-ly so," he agreed and handed it back to her. "I'm glad you have a Ben," he lied. Well, mostly. He was happy she was happy. That was very true. Lochlan could use the female equivalent of a Ben right now.
"Well, it's not like we're engaged." Eily said. "Just, he's nice, and I like him, and it's kind of nice to have someone look at me like I'm a beautiful girl." she admitted. "Someone who wants to cater to me, stuff like that." she told him. She flopped onto her back, cradling her head on her arms crossed behind her head.
He looked sharply at her, wondering why she'd mention being engaged just because he said he was happy she had Ben. It couldn't be that serious so quickly, could it? He hated the guy even more. His face melted into a blank slate. Of course she couldn't notice him looking at her like that. It wasn't right. Stop it, Lochlan. Get a grip. He smiled cheerfully and nodded. "Exactly what you deserve," he said, watching her lay back.
Eily had been watching him and she wound up arching a brow. "You okay?" she asked. She reached out with a toe to poke him in the stomach. "You kinda looked for a second like you ate a bug. And were real confused about it." she said.
Lochlan pursed his lips, sidestepped her toe, and tried to look philosophical. He nodded sagely. "It was complicated, this bug. I felt like it deserved to live and yet it dive-bombed my esophagus and that was the end. I had no say." It was as good a stupid cover as any. Maybe she'd laugh.
She laughed, grinning at him. "Uh huh. Damn suicidal bugs." she said. "But no seriously, you okay?" she asked. "Look me in the eyes, and tell me that you are. And don't lie, cuz you know I'll totally see it in a heartbeat."
Lochlan chuckled at her following his joke until she turned it serious. Then he tried to look out the window. He did know she'd see it and he had no way of avoiding. He could look or not look and she'd know now that she was focused. "Yeah, just tired. Someone beaned me in the gut while I was sleeping…" he attempted, his arms folded across his chest as he gazed outside before turning tired eyes on her. It was hard to look at her just then and he blinked.
She kept watching him. "I don't buy it." she told him. "But you're trying your damndest to keep me out of it." she added. "How about this. You've got til after this full moon business. After that, we're sitting down and talking again. All serious business."
He shook his head then. "No, I don't think so," he responded, maybe the first time he'd outrightly rejected one of her staunch statements. This was not something he was going to just share with her, work through, forget. It was embarrassing as hell and it made him ache in ways he didn't know existed. Which made him want to end himself just now but he was too much of a coward to ever go through with that shit. "Some things you have to leave alone, Eily," he said, his voice darker than usual. "Please."
Eily blinked at that, then sat up. She said nothing for a long moment, thinking that if his goal was to make her less concerned and curious, he was going about it the wrong way. But she also hadn't had him talk to her like that, really. So, she wound up opening her mouth, looking hurt, then shutting it again. The please was what made her actually stop from anything further, but that didn't help with the stab of...something. She didn't know what. And a hollow sort of feeling settle in her stomach.
Lochlan took in her reaction and realized he was spoiling her happy again. He let his arms fall to his sides and shook his head until a smile, as sunny as he could manage without looking like a fake, sprouted on his lips. "You have got a great guy there. I could never imagine you being super duper girly but obviously it makes you happy. I saw it. Don't even try to deny," he said, grinning at her conspiratorially and eyeing the butterfly hairpin. How had he only managed to make her feel bad? He loved her. Obviously so now. How could he be cruel and spoil it?
She had no idea what he was even talking about now. His hard gear shift in subject wasn't one she followed well. "...yeah, we're not really talking about him right now." she told him. "I'm happy you're happy for me and everything, but..." she trailed off, and shook her head. "I'm gonna go shower." she said, pushing herself to her feet and starting past him.
He knew he was an ass. Had no right here in this place. She obviously got it that his like of Ben was not genuine. Was out of place. When she went to got take a shower he was tempted to let her go completely. It would only be right to ignore this thing that was bothering him. "I'm sorry," he muttered.
"For what, just changing topics and keeping stuff from me, and..." she tugged her fingers through her hair. She stepped into the bathroom off of her bedroom, and started the tap running. For her part, she didn't actually put together that he wasn't genuine about Ben. For her, it was just massively abrupt subject changes when he was going through something. And maybe she was still sore no one had told her about the werewolf thing too. It was all tangled up. She drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Don't worry about it. You've got a lot going on. Let me know if I can do anything to help with full moon things, or...whatever." she said, biting back everything else.
Lochlan's look was so pained that he felt his breath leave him for a moment. He shook his head but couldn't answer her. He didn't know what to say. How to vindicate himself for changing moods or whatever. Because what he'd tried to avoid was something not right. Was it? He felt how he felt and even he didn't fully get it. But that wasn't right either. "I'm moving in with Avery," he said. "Soon as she finds a place for us. I'll be out of you hair soon, Eils."
And that just felt like a kick to the teeth while she was down. Her jaw dropped, and she stared at him, looking stricken. She couldn't have looked moreso even if he'd physically struck her. "You're--" she started, then stopped. The implications were a little staggering. She felt like her foundation was crumbling beneath her feet. "But you just--" she tried again. "I don't want you out of my damn hair!"
He slumped against the wall. "Eily. You need me out of your hair." He said it low and serious. He had to cut this off. End this before anything more happened. He was swimming with his nose underwater though. He hated this. Except he felt like it was the only way now. He wasn't going to sit around watching her be happy with Ben and he wasn't going to tell her why either because she didn't deserve that monkey wrench in her life. "Avery needs the supervision. She even asked me. And just think. I'll be settled finally. No more couches." He tried to put a positive spin on it.
She was thinking that Lochlan would be good about it for a while, and then bills would pile up and Avery would be wondering where Lochlan was and why no one was being responsible. But she didn't say it. She still felt like she'd just been gut shot. She wound up sinking down to sit on the ledge of the tub, wondering how this was all happening. How it piled on. And how could he keep telling her over and over that she needed to stay away, but he was going to move in with Avery? She hated it, but she felt abandoned. That was the word for it. He was a fixture in her life, and he was...just leaving. Just like that. She shouldn't be surprised, but she was shocked. She should have managed to say something but didn't.
When she said nothing Lochlan had no idea what more to say. Except what he was feeling and he couldn't. Wouldn't do that to her. Or maybe he was protecting him the most. She couldn't possibly feel the same or even accept whatever his problem was. Whatever had him wanting to pull her into her unmade bed and hold her. He wasn't even sure if he wanted more than that, but he knew he wanted to be close to her. More than he should want as a family member. "I'm sorry," he said again and went to the living room. Began folding blankets, tossing sheets toward the laundry hamper. Thinking about where to go next, where to be next until the full moon. And then after that. Until Avery and he moved in together and he had his own space for real.
Eily was completely at sea in a storm of emotions, but she quickly wiped at her eyes, which had stung with tears while she wasn't paying attention. She got up, and didn't follow him, but called after him. "Don't be sorry, Lochlan. I understand." she said. "...let me know if you need anything, and I'm still helping wherever I can." she told him. She felt like everything was crashing and burning, but she couldn't make him feel bad for doing what he was going to do. So, all that got shut down until she was alone. Then she could cry it out.
Why couldn't she just leave it alone? Why did she have to keep being nice and coming after him and all of it? Lochlan looked in the direction of her voice and tossed down the blanket he'd been folding. He walked back to where he could see her, arms folded across his chest. He shook his head at her. "I don't need anything, thank you. You've done so much for me and I have no way to repay you." And in his mind he crossed the space between them and took her in his arms. In reality he held himself and willed himself not to do anything more.
She quickly looked away, because she didn't want him to spot the tears, though it occurred to her that he could probably catch the scent of them. Tears were salty, right? "I've never asked you for a single thing. Don't talk to me about 'repayment'. Besides, you've done ten billion things for me too. You sound like you've forgotten that recently, but that doesn't make it less true." she added, voice rough. "Look, I'm kind of going to cry here, Loch, so maybe let me do that?" she suggested. "And stop sounding so much like this is...goodbye. Because I can't handle that. Like, even thinking about it so please..."
Lochlan swallowed hard around the guilt he suddenly felt listening to her. Why could she be so transparent with him and not he with her? Why was it simply … simple for her? But for him it was like he was doing something wrong… He could smell the salt, and whatever the chemical was there when tears were about to be released but he wasn't sure if he was smelling himself. This was pathetic. And sad. He hadn't ever wanted to make her cry. "It's not goodbye. Ever, Eily. That's not possible. It's -- can you just go back to being happy? I never meant to ruin that."
"It's not your fault," she said, rubbing at her eyes and sniffling. "I know you didn't mean it, I'm just...nevermind." she said, shaking her head. She attempted a smile but it was watery at best, and didn't hold long. "Just...gonna hop in the shower." she told him, pointing at it. "And...and I'll talk to you..." she trailed off. She didn't know when. When they were working on the full moon preparation? Maybe? God, even with his assurance that it wasn't goodbye forever, it had sounded so much like it before, and clearly? Everything had changed when she wasn't looking. She was still dealing with that, too. She wanted to give him a huge tight hug, but figured then she'd be clingy, and sobbing, and it wouldn't be pretty.
He was two seconds away from making her understand, come hell or high water. But he couldn't. He'd rather postpone things with her until whenever than possibly ruin things between them forever. And maybe if he let her have some time - let him have some time - apart, that would stop being an issue. "Okay," he all but whispered. "Have a good shower. Talk to you." And he prepared to finish tidying her front room before taking himself to the pub. He could finish off a few more hours of sleep there … or a few more hours of guilt-ridden thoughts. Either way he could be gone when she finished her shower.