what's in front of you Who: Gabe and Corey Where: school When: noonish
Gabe stood just inside the school door, watching the rain come down. The other students had mostly trickled out, pulling out their umbrellas or raincoats and running through the downpour. He had neither today, his mind half gone since finding out about Ren’s death. Gabe moved through the motions, mimicking daily life without completely living it. It had been a while since he’d been this numb, but it was easier than feeling the pain. And the guilt. That was the worst of it. No matter how he saw it, he’d started the chain reaction that got them to where they were now. He’d always been angry about the deaths caused by the zombies, but this... this was his doing, at least in his eyes.
Corey was going to head to the hospital after school, her mind on Eli. It was pretty damn hard to miss Gabe, though. Especially because she almost walked past him without recognizing him. His entire posture was different. He wasn't looking like himself at all. So she pulled up short, refocusing her attention on him. "Hey," she said, ducking to put herself in his path, in his field of vision. “You okay?” He didn’t really see Corey until she was in his direct line of focus, and even then he didn’t truly come back to himself. He blinked twice, then turned a little towards her, considering the question. “Not really,” he said, giving her a tight smile, the best attempt he could make. He could lie, but wouldn’t that be worse? What kind of person would he be if he really was okay? At least he didn’t have that to worry about. “How ‘bout you?”
"Let's not worry about me when you're looking like that." Corey said. "What's going on?" she pressed, glancing around. "Come on. Let's go sit, and you can tell me what's up." she invited.
For a moment he hesitated, not sure he wanted to talk about it, but maybe that would help. The only person he’d talked to was Claire and he honestly didn’t feel great talking to her about this. His mom had tried to help, but by the time she’d gotten home he’d shut down. “Okay,” he said, following Corey. It helped that most of the other kids had left, or were on their way out. Gabe took a seat and chewed on his lip for a moment before speaking. “Ren’s dead. She had a fight with Claire after I kissed her and ran off. Then she died.”
Blinking, Corey was thinking there was a lot more to that than she'd gotten. "...Okay, back up." she said. "You don't have to go into full details, but I need a little more than that." she said, keeping her eyes on him. It was weird. A few days ago she probably would have been worse at this. But she was more in crisis mode now. It made her more efficient, less likely to second guess herself.
Gabe ran his fingers through his hair as he pulled his knees up to his chest, then rested his elbows against them. “I don’t... I don’t remember how much I told you now. But I kissed Ren, but it was more like-- like a dare. Kind of. I don’t know. It was stupid. And after I did it, I realized she wasn’t the one I wanted to be kissing. So I asked Claire out and then eventually felt like I had to tell Claire what happened. Well, she went home and had a fight with Ren about it and Ren ran off. She just disappeared. Until they found her body. The wolves got her.” It was all scrambled together in his brain, the past few weeks feeling like the happiest and saddest of his life.
She remembered some of it, but it was helpful for him to get into more detail. Nodding as he spoke, she didn't need to think things over to much before she answered. "The wolves got a lot of people, Gabe." Corey told him lightly. "Like, a scary amount. And some were just people at the wrong place at the wrong time. It isn't like you chased her out of a house with a pack of wolves in the front yard, shoving her into their jaws."
“But she wouldn’t have been out there if it wasn’t for me,” Gabe said, cringing as his hands balled into fists. “She would’ve stayed home. We would’ve stuck together, like we always did. Instead, she was out there, somewhere, alone, and... I can’t stop thinking that if I hadn’t fucked things up, she might be alive.” It had felt like such a little thing at the time, a kiss, one that got a little out of control, but how much could that really hurt?
"No, she wouldn't have been out there if she hadn't had a fight with Claire. That's what happened, yes? She and Claire fought, and she left. It was also her decision. She was a big girl, making her own choices." Corey said, keeping on the same track, just adding to it.
“But they never fight,” Gabe said, shaking his head. “We were always the ones that fought. They wouldn’t have fought if...” He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes as he shuddered, jaw clenched shut. “I just can’t believe she’s dead,” he whispered. “How do you get this far and die here?”
Corey drew in a breath and let it out slowly. "Okay, Gabe? You need to hear this." she said, looking at him. "I understand that people feel guilty when others die. But this isn't your fault. If you want to keep making it your fault, there's nothing I can say to change your mind, but unless you tied her up in the woods and fed her to wolves yourself, it's still never going to be your fault. Unfortunately, bad things happen. They just do. It sucks, but it's true. You have to keep moving." she told him. She was aware she was kind of having the same conversation twice in a row. "Eli nearly died, and his friend was apologizing because he got hurt. Which wasn't his fault. Just like this isn't yours."
Gabe gave a little nod, hearing her, but having a hard time accepting what he knew, logically, to be the truth. It just felt so wrong, like he should have been there to save her, even if Gabe himself had never been a savior of any kind. “Is Eli going to be okay?” he asked, having an easier time focusing on that than on thoughts of Ren. That Eli could get hurt said a lot to him. That group, with Eli and Finn, had seemed almost invincible.
Reaching out, she put her hand on his, again distantly aware that she was clearly better at this kind of stuff when she was focused. "I'm sorry this happened at all. But you can't blame you. Blame the wolves." When he asked about Eli, she looked at the floor. "I hope so. He seems like he will. But he's...in a bad way."
Blame the wolves. It made sense, but it felt like blaming the zombies-- blaming a creature that was just doing all it knew how to do. It was easier to beat himself up, though he knew that wasn’t going to get him anywhere. He needed to start believing what Corey was telling him. Maybe if he said it enough, at least to himself. “Eli was a good fighter, at least against the zombies. I hope he makes it.” They weren’t close, but Gabe didn’t wish death on anyone. “There anything I can do?”
Corey's eyed widened. "I didn't know you guys knew each other out there." she said. "And yes. You can stop blaming yourself, for things, because I like you being my happy Gabe friend." she told him, offering a smile.
“Yeah, we actually met outside the dome. I would’ve liked them to join our group, but my mom was kinda worried about Finn and Eli,” Gabe said. Eli was just angry, from what Gabe could tell, but he really couldn’t argue with his mom when it came to Finn. They guy seemed nice enough, but was a bit crazy. “I’m trying. I just keep feeling like I could’ve stopped it, like I should’ve been there.”
"Yeah, Finn..." Corey trailed off, figuring not getting into it would be best. It wasn't like he was a bad guy--he really wasn't, she could see that--but yeah. "I'm sure there's a lot of that in your head right now. Just...try and remember that you're not omniscient. And bad things happen to everyone. You couldn't have predicted it or done anything, so...if you angst for it you're just cheating you."
Gabe rubbed a hand over his face before setting his chin in his palm, looking back at her. “Have you always been this wise?” It made him feel like he hadn’t been paying attention, or maybe he just hadn’t had any real issues in so long that he’d not needed any advice.
Corey smiled at him, giving a little laugh. "Um, no." she told him. "In fact I spent most of my life a scared little invisible girl. I'm just not so scared anymore." she shared. "During all the zombie stuff, time spent with my grandfather, I just...learned about some stuff. Like you can't dwell. What's done is done, and even if sometimes it feels like it, so much isn't within anyone's control."
“I guess I got to feeling like things were kind of normal,” Gabe admitted. “Like maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about the people around me dying all the time. And maybe it’s never going to be like that again.” The dome was supposed to offer that kind of safety and reassurance, but now it all felt like a scam. He’d bought into it so easily, probably because he wanted to. “How did you stop being scared?”
Considering the question, Corey had to figure out how to answer that. Because she figured if she could answer it well enough, maybe it would help him. "First of all, I had to accept that what's happening is happening." she told him, eyes on the floor but her tone was strong not distant. "That the world went mad, and that was just...how it was going to be. And I had my grandfather, and he taught me things. A lot of things. Like how to survive. And what survival meant, actually. It certainly wasn't easy. But for me, it was taking control of your immediate surroundings. Because that is it--that is all you can really influence, in a world like this one. There's nothing that far reaching anymore, it's right here, right now, in so much smaller an area than I'd ever thought. But that almost makes it easier. Because you're not worrying about the entire world. You're not even worrying about what's beyond the walls you currently occupy. You're right there in the moment, in that close area, and that's it. The rest of the world could be burning, but it didn't matter, it was beyond my control entirely. I had to worry about what was right in front of me instead. It helped with the scope of things. And made things easier to deal with because the weight of the world wasn't on my shoulders."
Gabe listened and immediately decided that her experience prior to the dome must have been very different from his. They’d both been difficult, he was sure of that, but she’d learned things that he hadn’t, things that were continuing to help her survive. His priorities had always been aiming towards the future, to getting the world back to normal, without ever really accepting that it might never get there. The world went mad, was still mad, and he had to learn to live with it. “Okay,” he said, giving her a nod as he thought through her advice. “So just... deal with what’s in front of me. Not the whole world. Not the things I can’t change. Just the here and now.”
"That's it. You weren't there, when it happened. You couldn't do anything about it. The very idea that you could is an illusion in itself. All you've really got is what's right in front of you. That you can do something about. So, refocus. The world isn't on you." She stood up, spread her arms, and moved in a circle. "This is. Just this. This hallway, this small space. I know everyone wants to reach farther, but in a lot of circumstances, you just can't."
It was hard to refocus, but Gabe could see her point. He could have not kissed Ren, but everything after that, he couldn’t have stopped it. He couldn’t have prevented the fight, and he couldn’t have protected her because he didn’t know where she was. If he wanted to feel guilty about anything, it could be about kissing a girl he wasn’t completely into, but maybe her death wasn’t his fault. “It’s gonna take me awhile to get there, but I think I understand. It’s just hard to completely change your way of thinking.”
"Yeah, I know." Corey said, putting her hands in her pockets. "But trust me, if you can accept that you're like, not a pivot point for the world? That you really can't do a damn thing about anything that happens when you're not around? It gets easier."
“I hope so,” Gabe said as he climbed to his feet. He couldn’t take it getting harder, at least not until after he adjusted. “A part of me wants to take everyone I know and put them in one house and be with them all the time, just to make sure everyone’s okay. But I know that’s not realistic. And I also know we’d all go crazy. I just wish I wasn’t left worrying about people when they’re not around.”
"Technically, we are all in one big house. Or snowglobe, anyway." Corey said. "But I get what you mean. And I hope it gets better for you. Easier." She said. "And you don't have to worry about me, I'm pretty good about taking care of myself. Plus, my grandfather's back around, so he'll help with that too."
“That’s true,” Gabe said, not having thought of it like that. Everyone was much closer than they would be if they were outside the dome, and while there were still dangers, there seemed to be far less. “I didn’t realize your grandfather was here,” he said, giving her a little smile. “That’s good to hear.”
"I didn't either til the other day. He's a law man now, while the doors are shut. Not sure what will happen after they open back up again, but for now, he's here. I'm actually going to be moving in with him, I'll let you know where that'll be." she promised.
“Good,” Gabe said, giving a small nod. “I don’t really like the idea of anyone living alone.” Which made things difficult with Claire. He’d have to talk to his mom and see what they could work out because he really didn’t think she needed to be living alone at this point. He also didn’t think his mom would go for her moving in with him. Plus, they were kind of new to their relationship and Gabe wasn’t all that sure where it was going. It was already moving fast, and he didn’t want it to go too fast.
"It's lonely." Corey admitted. "So, I'm glad he's around now. I don't know that anyone should live alone either. Not now. After everything. Kinda seems like a crappy idea." she said with a little half smile. "You feeling any better?" she asked after a beat, just looking him over again to be sure she didn't see too many other signs of distress.
“Yeah,” Gabe said, giving her a small smile. He wasn’t over Ren’s death, not at all, but he thought he could buy into the idea that it wasn’t his fault. It was going to take some time, though, and if he could do it, maybe Claire could too. “Thanks for talking to me. I know it’s not a happy conversation and all.”
Shrugging one shoulder, Corey smiled. "Isn't that part of being a friend?" she asked. "And no worries about the tone of the conversation. Not everything's sunshine and rainbows, right? I can handle it. Promise."
“Well, I appreciate it,” he said, then took a deep breath and looked out into the rain. It definitely wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows today, but maybe tomorrow, if he could get through the day. “Ready to brave the storm?”
She nodded. "Yeah." she said. "C'mon. I'll walk you home." It was weird, but she was feeling more at ease lately than in a long, long time. Maybe this was what people meant when they said things like 'coming into your own'. If it was, she'd take it.