Alice Munroe (ex_barebones985) wrote in the_colony, @ 2011-03-15 23:10:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | ^ week 34, alice munroe, louisa may smith, | alice and louisa may |
Week 34 - Saturday Afternoon
Characters: Alice Munroe and Louisa May Smith
Location: Louisa’s trailer
Summary: Jed’s non-answer has Alice in a tizzy, so she goes seeking familiar ears to talk her down from doing anything rash.
Rating: R for profanity.
There was no calming her down. Alice wanted to destroy things, and there was nowhere she could without making a scene or having people wonder what was wrong with her. Lord knew, she’d caused enough scenes since their first leaving Vegas, and she’d been doing so much better since she’d started having sit-downs with Louisa May. She couldn’t get over how outraged she felt over this new bit of information, even if there was no way of knowing for sure without going to ask the traders’ leader herself.
In truth, Alice didn’t want to know. The images her mind were conjuring of Jed settling with Evie, them starting a family, having a child with coloring all to similar to her own but with Jed’s eyes or hair or smile... it was eating her up inside. All the horrible feelings she’d felt at the break-up were rapidly rising up in her again, making it hard to breathe. She couldn’t talk to Leo about it, nor could she lean on Tom for support, and Bridget was out of the question. That only left one person, and it was with that thought that Alice finally left the house and trudged into the giant garage adjacent to the house where Louisa May’s trailer was parked.
Louisa May was enjoying a moment of privacy -- she’d always been a private person, and the influx of more people left her feeling a bit drained. When she heard someone approaching her trailer, she put down her book and took a moment to center herself.
“Come on in,” she called out, getting up with an ‘oof.’ Alice opened the trailer door, closing it behind her and locking it without explanation. The tension was written all over her face.
“Evie’s pregnant with his kid,” she said, the words running together as emotion claimed her and she started to cry.
“Oh.” Louisa May couldn’t help the look of surprise that washed over her face, followed quickly by a flash of anger. After all the work she’d done with Alice, this was how he repaid her. Bastard. “Oh Alice. I’m sorry.” She reached out for the other woman, pulling her to her in a hug. Alice leaned into her without any further encouragement, sobbing into her shoulder.
“I-- don’t-- even kn-know for sure, but-- but-- but he thinks so, and that’s--” she dissolved altogether, losing her words and clutching almost desperately to Louisa May’s shoulders.
There would be time for talking through how to cope with this. Right now, her job was to hang on and ride out Alice’s tears. So hang on is what she did. They stood there, Louisa May’s arms wrapped around Alice, the two women swaying back and forth a little. “I know. I know,” she replied, and she meant it.
It might have been ten minutes or ten seconds, Alice wasn’t sure, but by the time she finally ran out of tears she felt hollow and empty inside. His betrayal was swift and all-encompassing; there was no way they could go back to being okay again, even as friends. She felt as though the void in her chest would never be repaired, not even by Leo’s kind words and careful arms.
Because there was no denying it: she was always going to be afraid he’d leave her again. There was just no safety left for her heart.
The two women separated, Louisa May grabbing a box of Kleenex and grabbing a glass of water to give Alice a chance to collect herself a little. She handed both to Alice, settling on her usual stool.
Alice took them, emptying the glass on automatic before putting it on the little counter. The Kleenex she left in her lap, unused, her hands bracketing either side.
“Talk to me. Let me hear what you’re thinking.”
The younger woman curled into herself, her head bowing and her hair falling into her face. She felt that itch in her chest to cry again, but luckily she’d tired herself out for the time being.
“I want them to leave,” she rasped. “And I know that’s... wrong. Because we’ve got a deal and-- but I want ‘em to go. Before he gets it in his head to go with ‘em, because if he did, I couldn’t--” her throat closed up and she went quiet again.
“Mmm-hmmm,” Louisa May replied. “Nothin’ wrong with wanting. Now, let’s focus on what you do have control over. Let’s talk about you.” As much as she wanted to take Jed out back and whup him, neither she nor Alice had any say in what he decided to do about this news.
Alice shook her head quietly, lips pressed thinly in a grimace and her eyes off to the side. After a moment she pulled her hands through her hair and scrubbed her face with them, then took a shuddering breath.
“I don’t know,” she whispered, then spoke up in the same creaky voice. “I dunno what t’do. I can’t handle this. I wanna stop lovin’ him but I can’t, and it’s fucked up, and I--” her voice broke and she swallowed around it, trying to speak again. “I feel like if I just turn this on its head and into Leo, he’ll think I’m-- that I-- I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. How can he just--” she made a sound somewhere between a sob and a humorless laugh, finally grabbing out two sheets of tissue and blowing her nose hard. “How could he fuck her bareback ‘n not even care what might happen but fuckin’ kill me tellin’ me he doesn’t want kids by me? How could he? How is he so stupid? I hate him so much.”
Hating was not terribly productive, but it was certainly healthier than turning that white-hot anger inward. Louisa May didn’t like making assumptions about the reasons why other people did what they did -- and tried to steer Alice away from it whenever she started down that road -- but she thought that inserting a little perspective couldn’t hurt too much. “Do you think he wanted to get her pregnant?”
Alice pressed her heels into her eyes. “No. I don’t-- no. He...” She swallowed again, pulling her hands away as she finally looked at Louisa May. “He came up askin’ me when they’d last came through. He was freakin’ out, which just made it hurt even more.”
“Why do think that was?” Louisa May asked, settling back. “You feelin’ more hurt?”
Her shoulders shrugged upward before she gave it any real thought before her mind caught up. “Just proves how much he doesn’t think things through. Doesn’t plan. Just... lives in the moment without any regard to how... I feel.”
Louisa May nodded. “So how does this new development change things for you?”
Alice shook her head, unsure what to say or how to respond. In all honesty it didn’t matter, because she had no claim left to him. If he chose to leave with Evie and her group, there was no reason for him not to. Deep down she knew that, and it hurt even more. He had nothing holding himself to her. He cared more about Jack than her, cared more about his potential child than her. It all hurt so much.
“He doesn’t care about me,” she said hollowly. “It just hurts because I care so much, and it just doesn’t matter.”
What Louisa May really wanted to say was Well, Alice, if he don’t care about you, than fuck him. Let him go so he can stop running your life. But this was something that Alice would have to figure out for herself. “You mentioned Leo earlier. Let’s talk about that.”
Alice chewed her lip viciously, eyes cast downward again. Leo... Just thinking about her reaction and how much it would hurt him just made her feel more awful. Leo loved her and wanted her, and there she was pining for Jed. Not three months ago the position had been flipped, and Jed had hated it just as much; so much that every time they fought, Leo’s name had come up.
You just can’t be satisfied, can you? a mean, bitter voice echoed in her head. She cringed, her arms wrapping around herself.
Louisa May probed further. “Now, when you said you were worried about what he’d think if you turned to Leo, do you mean you were worried about what Leo would think, or what Jed would think?”
Both, she thought, but she didn’t say that aloud. “I don’t want... Leo thinkin’ I just want a kid by him to distract me from the fact that I wanted one by Jed,” she said, her arms tightening around her middle.
“Is that what you want?”
“I just want a family,” Alice said quietly, her eyes misting up. “I can’t get my life back, but I can at least get those feelings again. It’s not that I don’t care who it’s by--” she added, hearing Jed’s voice in her head. “--because I do. I do. I want a family with a man who loves me and wants me. I wanna feel... that wholeness.” Peter hadn’t even given her that. She’d yearned for him every minute he was gone, but she’d felt it swell to bursting every minute that he was there, and it was those feelings she wanted back in her life again.
“Mmm-hmmm,” Louisa May replied. “It seems to me like that’s something worth wanting. Something that matters a lot to you. And that finding someone who would respect and support what you want is an important part of that.” She paused. “Knowing what you know now, would Jed be able to do that for you?” She knew the answer, but it was important to connect the dots.
Alice slumped forward again, screwing her eyes shut. Oh I know, all right, she thought miserably. Crystal damn clear.
“No.”
Louisa May leaned forward with a small smile. “Then fuck him. Fuck him in his white cowboy ass.” She didn’t break out of ‘therapist’ mode often, but the room needed some lightening -- and she’d been wanting to say it something awful.
Alice immediately snorted, bringing one hand up over her mouth to stop the sound from blossoming into worse. She gave Louisa May a grateful look.
“God, I’d love to see that,” she muttered, then smiled slightly. “Thank you, Louisa.”