Jed Bailey (jokerandthief) wrote in the_colony, @ 2010-12-09 20:19:00 |
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Entry tags: | ^ week 23, alice munroe, jed bailey, | alice and jed |
Week 23: Wednesday
Characters: Alice Munroe and Jed Bailey.
Location: A cabin near Lake Selmac.
Summary: Waking up happy doesn’t last long when Alice brings up the idea of having their own place and Jed balks.
Rating: PG-13
The sun was peeping through the windows and Jed knew they should already be moving. Packing up wouldn’t take long, but making it look like they were never there would. But he couldn’t bring himself to wake Alice. He just stared at her, warm and curled against him, studying the shape of her ear, the corner of her mouth, every eyelash.
She never slept this well. Hell, he couldn’t remember a time when he’d been up before her. Usually he was the one groggily pulling himself out of bed while she was already bustling. It was nice, seeing her so soft and peaceful in the early morning light.
She stirred slowly, her brow furrowing a little as she further curled into him and tightened her arm across his chest. Her eyes blinked open after a few more minutes, glassy and a little unfocused. He couldn’t help but smile at that, her expression like a newborn colt trying to take in the world for the first time.
“Mornin’, darlin’,” he said, pressing a kiss to the side of her forehead.
Alice rubbed her eyes, then stretched from head to toe, smiling wispily at him. “G’mornin’.” She turned her head a little to find where she’d left her wrist watch, squinting at it, her hair wild around her head. It was nearing 8:45; way later than her normal wake-up time. Yet she found herself completely unmotivated to leave the bed with him warm against her.
“Good sleep?” he said, burrowing down a bit to give her a lazy kiss.
“Mmhm,” she hummed in response, shifting the arm from where it was draped over his side up to circle around his neck to keep him there and slinging a leg over him as well.
“Damn yer gettin’ clingy,” he chuckled, not exactly objecting. Still, it was getting late. “We prob’ly should head out soon.”
It was those words that really woke her up. Alice bit back the urge to visibly pout or tighten her embrace around him. They’d left early the day they’d came out because they needed to check out the houses and potentially to buy them more time, but heading home this early?
“Doesn’t have to be now,” she said into his neck.
“Got a lot to do before we go,” he pointed out. “Wanna make sure we got plenty of daylight fer gettin’ home.”
“S’only nine,” she replied. “Plenty of time. And we’re not that far from the house. You’re warm and this is nice.”
He bit his lip. He knew Jack would want him back sooner rather than later, but he also knew that reasoning wouldn’t really go over well. Rubbing her back, he said, “It is nice. But I been needin’ to hit the can fer about an hour.”
Alice laughed, pulling away from him and rolling onto her back. She was quick to tug the blanket over her exposed chest. “Why didn’t you just get up? Goodness.”
“You were sleepin’ all peaceful,” he said, rolling out of bed and grabbing his shirt from the floor. It was ice cold but he tugged it on anyway. He hurried to the small bathroom to the sound of Alice snickering, leaving the door open. “Didn’t wanna risk wakin’ you.”
“That’s one thing I would be forgiving about. You’re funny.”
Alice took the free moment to stretch out even further, pointing her toes and bringing her hands up over her head. They’d decided after the first night to drag the mattress into the living room by the fireplace, and it had been an excellent idea. She never wanted to leave it.
Forgoing the sink -- it wasn’t like he touched anything, and there wasn’t well water like home anyway -- Jed was done quick, rushing back under the covers. Suddenly the whole staying-in-bed-where-it’s-warm idea was really growing on him. “I figured you wouldn’t get too mad at me, but you deserved some sleep,” he said. Alice curled back against him immediately, pushing her hands up beneath the shirt to rub lightly in order to help warm him back up.
His not waking her was a sweet gesture, that much was certain. She never got to sleep in anymore, or be nearly that warm and uninterrupted. I don’t wanna leave, she thought. Going home meant that this would be over, and it’d be back to the way things were. All the uncertainty, all the unwanted drama, none of the privacy.
“Let’s stay here forever,” she said against his chest. “Just the two of us.”
She felt his chuckle vibrate in his chest. “That would be nice, eh? Even better if we had someone doin’ the cleanin’ and cookin’. With real food, too.”
“We can get there eventually,” she murmured. “Just need a bit of time. I can still raid. We can plant in the spring, maybe go round up a few more animals. It would work.”
Twisting her hair around his fingers, he grinned. “‘Course, long as we’re dreamin’, might as well go big. I’d take electricity back. And gas.”
Alice bristled a little bit at the suggestion that their staying there was a dream. They’d been there two nights with little difficulty; how would being there for the long haul be that much of an issue? It wasn’t as though they couldn’t go visit the other colonists if they wanted to. She liked being there alone with him.
“I could teach myself how to set up solar panels,” she said quietly.
He looked down at her, his smile sliding away. “Fer the house, y’mean?”
She shook her head, eyes still pointed down the length of his torso. There was a definite shift in the air between them, and she could feel herself growing tense at the argument that was no doubt about to begin. We haven’t even left yet, and we’re already bringing everything here, she thought morosely. Just drop it. Get up and go pack. You’ve lost; it’s over.
“Al...” he said, thinking carefully. “It’s the middle of winter. We can’t go diggin’ out our own place right now.”
For the briefest instant she felt hope, but her own pessimism killed it in its tracks. As if we’d ever have our own place, she thought bitterly. It’s never gonna happen. Stop saying things you think I want to hear when I know you won’t follow through with them.
“...Yeah.”
He tucked his hand under her chin, making her look him in the eye. “I know this has been great, but it ain’t real life. It wouldn’t stay this good long.”
“How do you know that without even trying?” she said immediately, unable to hide the hurt in her voice. They’d had two of the best nights in her recent memory, and it wasn’t real? Then what the hell was it? she asked herself.
“‘Cause I did try,” he said, all teasing and wheedling gone from his voice. “Alice, before the pig flu, I didn’t have a place t’call home since I was sixteen. There was places where it was real good, perfect even. An’ I’d try to stay and keep it perfect, but it don’t work that way, and I’d leave when things turned sour. Took me all my life to figure that there ain’t perfect places, juss perfect moments.”
She knew he didn’t mean them the way they came off, but at the idea of him ‘leaving when things turned sour’ suddenly left Alice feeling terrified. She pulled away as casually as possible, her hands reaching over the edge of the mattress to grab her clothes and start pulling them on. Not only that, but whether or not he’d been aware of it he’d also talked about the person he was ‘before’ when they’d been talking about their lives together; how the him from before might have settled down and had a family. His contradicting himself made Alice really wonder even more how truthful he was being with her.
“Alice, what’re you thinkin’?” he said quietly. He knew something had to be up. “Ain’t a mind reader, remember, so you gotta tell me.”
“Sometimes...” she started, fighting to control her voice so it sounded even. “I can’t decide whether I wish you wouldn’t say stuff like that at all, or that you would be more blunt with me.”
Jed blinked. “What’d I say?”
Alice shook her head, already up to one layer by that point. “If we’re going to ruin this whole trip, let’s just wait until we’re in the truck heading, home, okay? Wouldn’t wanna sour your ‘perfect moment’.”
He rolled over to her, grabbing her arm. “Alice, I was talkin’ about before, my old life. Not now. I’m a diff’rent guy, now,” he said, giving her wrist a squeeze. “I learned it’s worth it to stick around.”
Alice yanked her arm away, tugging on the second shirt before standing. Her pants were out of reach. “Don’t backpedal,” she said, the words clipped. “‘Specially if you’re backpedaling selectively.” She shook her head a little, giving a humorless snort of laughter. “Y’know, it’s funny, how little I’ve said in the course of us bein’ together to really hurt you, but you never seem to stop hurting me.”
He froze halfway to sitting up, the shock plain on his face. “...I don’t mean to,” he said, his voice quieter than ever before.
“Maybe you should try a little harder,” she said flatly, feeling some of the anger eke out of her. She slid her hands under her hair and pulled it out from beneath her shirt, the hair mussed and unkempt from two days without washing. “Or not. Y’know. Whatever, at this point.” She sighed and shook her head. “Why do you think I’m so quiet all the time? You know I’ve got no problem shouting.”
He watched her in silence, not sure if he should say anything, uncertain about even opening his mouth. Still quiet, he finally spoke up: “I’m sorry. I’ll try harder.” Though he still wasn’t sure what he’d said that was so hurtful.
Alice ran her hands over her face, hearing the confusion in his voice and trying to calm down. He’d been right, though: the so-called perfection of the trip had been ruined, and staying there wouldn’t bring it back.
“I don’t wanna go back to a house full of people,” she said softly. “I don’t like it. You’re right, this was nice, it’s not forever, I get it, but y’gotta understand: I’m a private person. I don’t like our business being out on display for everyone to see or hear. We’re almost stacked on top of each other in there, and I hate it.”
He hesitated, thinking over things carefully. “I know. I ain’t happy ‘bout it either. But movin’ in the winter ain’t... I don’t think it’s the best idea.”
“I’m not disagreeing with you. It’s too cold for now, not without some kinda heater. Body heat alone won’t keep it warm enough, we’ve learned that this weekend.” Despite her attempt to joke and lighten things up, her mind immediately brought her thoughts back to her conversation in the kitchen with Leo. “I can wait until spring. But I’m gettin’ outta the house. I need my own space.”
“Alright,” he said, though he knew there were a few things that made that more than a little problematic. One thing -- person -- in particular. “We’ll figure that out in the spring.”
Alice frowned at him. Something about the way he said it made her think he’d try and convince her not to, and that sure as hell wasn’t going to happen. She finished dressing, padding sock-footed over to were she left her boots and picking them up to put them on at the couch.
Taking her lead, Jed got out of bed and pulled his pants on, starting the clean-up in silence. As time passed the air between them grew more and more tense, something that only made Alice more uncomfortable. Her statement about him needing to try harder at thinking on what to say had been meant to make him word himself better, not shut him up entirely. She knew he had something going on in his head, but she hated having to ask. It made her feel invasive.
Alice settled on the cold floor in the kitchen, hidden by the towering cabinets, and put her head in her hands. This is all wrong, came the sad thought. This trip was supposed to make us better, and it hasn’t. It’s exactly the way it was.
Jed folded the blankets and resituated the pillows and cushions on automatic pilot. It had all gone wrong again, and yet again he’d missed how. He didn’t have much experience in the way of relationships, that was true, but he’d thought he’d be getting better at it by now. He’d gotten better with Jack. With Alice, though, he seemed to keep coming back to the same wall. Maybe it was just something about the two of them together, that they couldn’t seem to work in sync.
Or maybe it was just him. The thought that used to flit through his head from time to time was sitting heavier on him these days. He’d been so long avoiding getting too attached to any woman. Maybe he’d gotten too good at it. Maybe he’d missed that window in his life where a person was supposed to learn how to properly be with someone else. Maybe it was too late for him.
It was a moment before he realized he’d stopped in the middle of pushing the sofa cushions in place. His stomach felt like lead, but there was one thing that came to mind. Looking around, he didn’t see Alice, so he knelt down, closed his eyes, and clasped his hands. At least someone had taught him how to do this right, and he’d gotten back in the swing of it after the world ended.
Keeping silent but mouthing the words, he prayed. God, please let it be easier. Show me what I’m doing wrong or when to hold my tongue. I just want me and Alice to be happy, that’s all. In the name of the Son, Jesus Christ, amen.
Alice hadn’t realized she’d started crying until her nose got so stuffed up she couldn’t breathe anymore. She sniffed wetly, running either palm up under her eyes and forcing herself up to standing again. Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way, she thought, resuming where she’d left off with putting away the camper stove. Maybe I need to focus less on us being a couple and more on us being friends. We need to be both, but we can’t be a couple without being friends first. And we won’t have to break it off that way, but maybe it’ll help. It was so much easier when I wasn’t thinking about our future together. He doesn’t seem to want that anyway. It can be okay like that.
She thought about how she saw Ana and Drew acting in the house, always smiling and laughing whenever they were around each other. Meg and Mike seemed a lot more reserved, but she heard them sometimes through the thin shared wall that separated their rooms. Just need to think of how to emulate them.
Her eyes settled on Jed where he was crouched on the ground, head bowed, and immediately felt a panic sweep through her.
“Hey, are you okay?” she asked, her voice still a bit thick from crying as she rubbed the sore spot on her neck.
He looked up with a jerk, quickly scrambling to his feet. “Yeah. Juss fixin’ the couch.”
Alice pressed her lips together in a thin line but didn’t force him to tell her, packing the camper stove and the utensils they’d brought with them into an empty duffel-bag and hefting it onto her shoulder. She gathered up the blankets as well, pausing to shift them under her arm and look at him again.
“Look, just...” she started, then frowned a little and shook her head. “Forget what I said. I’m bein’ oversensitive. I know you don’t mean most of what I think you’re sayin’ half the time.”
So before he’d been mean, and now he was dumb and mean. While it might hit closer to the truth, it still made him grimace. He could tell, though, seeing her eyes, that she’d been taking things rough. “You’re not okay,” he said, a defeated fact.
His words immediately made her eyes mist up a little, but she forced a smile. “I’ll be fine. Nothin’ I can’t handle, right?”
“But we should be handlin’ it. You shouldn’t have to go it alone,” he said, not bothering to try to return the smile. His hands balling into fists, he shoved them in his pockets. “Jesus Christ, it’s, it’s like I’m missin’ a leg or somethin’. I wanna do what you want, I wanna be what you need, I juss can’t figure out how.”
Alice shifted the blankets under her arms again, letting her gaze drift off over his shoulder and sighing quietly. “I don’t want you to be what I want; I want you to be you. What’s goin’ on with me... is a lot of stuff you wouldn’t feel the same about unless it were happening to you. And even then, you’d react completely different, because you’re not me, y’know?” Her eyes refocused on him. “You’re on my side. That’s all that matters to me. I don’t know about anyone else in that house anymore, but I know at least that you are.”
And just like that, the tension that had been balling up in his stomach released. Smiling slightly, he went over to her, holding out his hands to help with the blankets. “That, I can be,” he said as she passed them to him. After a moment, he added, “But other folks are on your side, too. Don’t think nobody in the house doesn’t like you.”
I dunno about that, Alice thought in response but refrained from saying as much. There was no point arguing with them about how she felt. Maybe her feelings were unfounded, but that didn’t make them any less real. Since her arms were significantly less filled, she moved to grab up something else.
“If you say so.”
He frowned slightly but thought twice about saying anything. If that’s what she wanted to think, that’s what she wanted to think. At least she knew he was on her side. Giving her shoulder a nudge, he said, “I love you.”
Her lips quirked in a slightly more authentic smile, and she let her head tilt and rest lightly against his shoulder. She would have liked to kiss him, but now that they were in the swing of getting things going, she didn’t want to slow down. “Love you, too.”