Sirius Black (dogstarred) wrote in the100, @ 2016-01-26 17:26:00 |
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Entry tags: | james potter, sirius black |
Who: Sirius Black and James Potter
When: Backdated to after Harry left
Where: Sirius' bed
What: Sads
Rating: Low
Maybe it was just luck, but Sirius was almost always precisely where James wanted him to be. On this particular day, James went looking for him in his bedroom and found him in bed. He padded over, dragging his feet wearily, and half slid, half dropped onto the bed beside him. Well, almost on top of him, really. He burrowed his face into the warm darkness of Sirius’ shoulder and wiggled a little to get partially under the blanket. He made a little muffled sound that could have been “good morning”, or maybe “goodnight”.
There was a lot of weight on his shoulders here, and sometimes, he just needed to curl up with his best friend and be sad about it for a little while.
--
Sirius and James had been sharing beds for nearly as long as they had known each other. They were both tactile people, and sleeping near each other had proven to be an easy source of comfort -- one that Sirius had never thought twice about. Of course, that had changed a little when Lily had entered the picture, but not that much, really. It just meant that now, if James showed up, it was more because something was wrong.
As it was, Sirius half woke up when James flopped down on him. He patted at him awkwardly, half scooting over to make a little more room for James.
“‘mes, the blanket’s off my feet,” Sirius mumbled.
…
“Gimme your feet then,” James mumbled back. His hand groped vaguely in the direction of Sirius’ feet; it ended up on his butt instead. “Oops.”
--
“You’re not even a little bit sorry,” Sirius huffed another James. He shifted awkwardly, sticking his feet on James’ calves to keep them warm.
“I know you don’t pull these sorts of shenanigans with Evans,” Sirius said. “I know she bed trained you.”
He knew that James was probably here because he was still smarting from the loss of Harry (and Peter, to an extent). But, as ever, with him and James, comedy went hand in hand with healing. That had always been the best part of their friendship. They could almost always share a joke.
…
James wriggled, half-pretending to be bothered by Sirius’ cold feet, but he only ended up pressing closer. He chuckled into Sirius’ hair and gently pinched his butt. “I do it all the time. She likes that move.”
He did want to talk, to at least acknowledge the fact that he wasn’t okay, but it felt good to pretend for a little bit that everything was normal. He knew Sirius knew that was what he was doing, and after a moment he said vaguely, “I miss Harry.”
--
“Liar,” Sirius accused wryly. He knew that Lily had softened toward James in order to marry him, but he very much doubted that she had softened that much.
He let the silence stretch out until James decided to speak. The words, as expected as they were, pinched at his heart. He knew that James missed Harry. And he knew there was nothing that he could say that would make that hurt any better. It was hard being here so often. It was amazing when they were able to see friends and family from home. But it was equally hard when they went back home. Because they didn’t really have any future with those people. This was the only chance they had, and it could be taken away so easily.
Even that thought made his blood run cold. It made him want to cling a little closer to James. He didn’t know what he would do if he lost James here -- who he literally had no time with at home. Or Remus -- having to endure going through proving his so-called innocence again.
But James had heard all the things people said when people went away here -- that they could come back, that they still had the memories of times spent here and at home. But Sirius had never found things to help. The only thing he knew how to do was to make sure James knew he wasn’t alone.
“I miss him too,” Sirius said softly. After all, he had little time with his godson either. A handful of weeks flung more than a dozen years into the future.
…
This was the reason why Sirius was still, usually, the best person to comfort James when he was sad. Lily and Remus did a great job of it, and he had cried on their shoulders on plenty of occasions, but when things were really hard, he still instinctively reached for Sirius. He didn’t have to explain himself, the way he often did for Remus, and he didn’t have to pretend to be alright for Lily’s sake. Especially when it came to Harry, he didn’t want to upset her. They were both trying not to fall apart.
Although there was something else that he didn’t know if he could talk to Sirius about. Remus was probably the only one who could understand how he felt about Peter. He debated for a while about whether to say anything, and the internal conflict was practically tangible - as if he was squirming restlessly, without moving at all - but eventually he decided against it, and buried his face deeper in Sirius’ shoulder.
--
He felt James squirming against him, and he knew that it was because of Peter. He hated -- hated -- that both Remus and James had found it in themselves to somehow continue a relationship with Peter. But in this moment, he supposed, it didn’t really matter. Peter was gone. There would be no more times when Remus, James, and Peter were together without him. And so while he wasn’t one to usually take the high road, he could do it in this moment, because it was with James, and it would, essentially, be the end of this matter.
He smacked a kiss, lovingly, to the top of James’ head.
“And I’m sorry you’re missing Peter too,” he mumbled.
…
James wasn’t surprised that Sirius guessed the reason he was upset. He was surprised when Sirius took it upon himself to say something about it. He stilled - not tensely, but simply because he’d stopped squirming over being conflicted - and then gave Sirius a brief, tight squeeze.
“I miss the person I thought he was, that’s all,” he said, and it was the truth. He still didn’t know for sure if the version of Peter here had actually been his friend. “And I hate thinking about how he’s going back and do… well. Everything that he did.” He let out a long sigh and nuzzled deeper into Sirius’ hair, which smelled faintly of dog. “I won’t miss having everyone all upset over him being here, though.”
--
It was hard -- it was, really, really hard -- not to bite back his response. He knew what James’ and Remus’ reasons had been. He still just did not agree with them. At all. He had no interest in forgiving any iteration of Peter, no matter what age he showed up, no matter how remorseful he was. In the end, he was the one who had allowed all of them to be destroyed. If Sirius could have undone that by simply killing a younger version of Peter, he would have done it, absolutely.
But he knew there was no point in hashing this out again. It was one of the rare things in life they didn’t agree on -- but they really didn’t agree on it. So Sirius let it go. It hadn’t helped before, and it wouldn’t help now.
“I know, Jamie,” Sirius ended up settling for. He messily patted James.
…
James didn’t want to talk about it anymore, either; he had no interest in trying to change Sirius’ mind on the subject, because he thought Sirius’ feelings were perfectly valid. He had felt that kind of anger and betrayal, too. He still did. He just couldn’t hold onto it. It burned him up on the inside, exhausted him in a way he’d never felt before. He didn’t have the capacity for hatred and vengeance that Sirius did, and he didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing, it just was. He couldn’t handle it, so he had to let it go.
He had to let this go, too. This upset over Peter’s disappearance, and the future he had at home. There was nothing he could do about it. Inhaling deeply, he sighed heavily into Sirius’ hair.
“Doesn’t matter,” he said. “Harry just needs to get his arse back here, and then everyone who matters will be here.”
--