Grantaire has a vague amibition (drinkwithme) wrote in the100, @ 2015-12-28 09:51:00 |
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With a groan, Grantaire slowly blinked open his eyes to stare up at the ceiling. He was awake, and he really wished he wasn’t. He kind of wished he was dead right now. Silently, he prayed to whatever deity deemed to show him the tiniest bit of mercy that whatever it was that had caused him to blurt out random thoughts was over. Or, at least he thought it was silently. He didn’t even notice that the spell had escalated, and that what had actually just occurred wasn’t a silent internal prayer. But, a whispered plea to the heavens. Instead, he crawled out of bed in search of something. A bottle, most likely. Just, anything that would stop the pounding in his head. The horrible taste in his mouth, and the fuzziness of his brain. And, the best thing for that was, of course, more alcohol. Because, without it. life was once again a hideous invention. Full of golden gods, and beautiful annoyingly perceptive vampires and ridiculously backfiring magic which was making his life hell, and terrified him more than the possibility that one day they would both be sent back home to face the firing squad again. Because, there were things he wouldn’t. No, couldn’t let Enjolras know. Things that would change everything. He would be disgusted, no longer wish to share a room with him. Shun him. Never want to speak to, or argue with him again. And, that would be the worst thing that could ever happen to him. Yet, nothing less than he deserved. Yet, he was a selfish individual. Grantaire could admit that. While most of the time, he couldn’t deny his Apollo anything. This was one thing he could not allow to be shared. Because, Grantaire needed him. Needed to be allowed to be near him. In any capacity, at any cost. To not would be hell on earth. He would feel as if he had descended to Hades and torn asunder if this would be denied him. To be near him is as if…. He stopped, as awareness sank in. And, the cynic finally realised that every word he had just thought, had in fact been spoken aloud, slowly getting louder as his passion grew, in what he’d wanted to be, his internal monologue. “Merde!” Slowly, he turned to Enjolras’s side of the room. A mixture of horror and shame flashing across his face briefly. Before his face settled into a mild frown, as he met his friends eyes. Unsure of what he read there. ~~~ Enjolras had listened as his friend had spoken. Without thought, almost without knowledge. It was that blasted magic, infecting everyone around making them speak the truth no matter how much they wished not to. And now Grantaire had spoken of need, unending need, and of all things, need for him. To be near him. And it wasn’t that honesty had left the younger man, it was simply that words now failed him. What was he supposed to say? What words came to mind, he knew his first words would be truth, his first thoughts, but no conscious concrete expression found it's way to his lips. “I should have seen it. I suppose I am as blind to such things as they say.” He needed to focus. Needed. Gods he didn’t know what he needed. “I don’t want to see that look, that shamed look, you needn't be ashamed of your heart. I just didn’t expect that I was..” Half phrases, jumbled words. He was better than this. “I can do better than this. Than mumbles and half sentences. Grantaire, you deserve better than that, only I don’t know what I’m to say now. I mean, you matter to me, of course you do. I just don’t know what it is you expect from me. I’m not...I've never considered if I felt anything, for anyone really. I was always too busy, too focused. You all joked Patria was my mistress and perhaps she was. But I failed her, and now I’m nothing, not a god, not marble. Just a man.” ~~~ Grantaire examined Enjolras closely as he spoke. Holding his mouth closed with determination. Determination to not spout all of the inanities that he knew passed through his brain at any given moment. He could say the simplest things in a long winding sentence. It was a talent, and yet also something that happened in his mind when he wasn’t arguing with his friends. When he was alone with his thoughts, his mind was almost poetic in its meanderings. But, when Enjolras said he was nothing. He could stay silent no more. “You could never be nothing, Apollo. You’re everything. You made me believe that if anyone could change anything. You could. You changed me. And, if you could change me. Make be believe in something, even if it was only you. Than surely you could change the world. It might not have been meant to be at that time. But, that was not your fault. You did not fail Patria, France. The People failed her. The people failed you.” His voice rose in disbelief as tried to persuade his friend that this disbelief in himself was unfounded. “As for me. For my feelings. I never wanted you to know. Why would you even suspect that that was even a possibility? I fought with you at every opportunity. I mocked you mercilessly. As all close friends, do. You were never meant to see it. I barely did until it was too late. And you, you don’t do...this” Grantaire, waved a hand dramatically. Trying to indicate relationships, and whatever else he could encompass in a gesture. “And, I don’t expect anything from you. I never have.” ~~~ There was such passion in the words. And he knew. He’d known that Grantaire admired him, but the depth of his feeling? He wasn’t aware of it. He’d never been aware of it. And now, looking back, how could he be so stupid and naive. And Grantaire had kept this from him, scared of what he would think. How long had he… “You felt this, while I told you no matter what I didn’t care who you were with. That I would stand by you whatever choices you made. And you listened to that caring about me this much. That must have been so hard to hear. I am sorry Grantaire.” He moved to hug his friend but stopped short not wanting to tease him. “I...Look, I don’t know. I don’t think about things like that, not really. But you matter to me, more than anyone ever has. I don’t know if that means that I feel the depth of things that you do for me. Perhaps I do but it’s been hidden from me for a long time now.” His next comment, it was cruel in some ways given their situation. But he had to know. In some ways he had to hear it. “You’ve told me you don’t need anything from me. But now tell me what you want from me.” ~~~ Grantaire’s ability to stand soon failed him. His legs felt weak, and he slipped to the floor, leaning back against the wall. He didn’t want to have this conversation. His choice had been taken away from him by magic, and he hated that. He hated that neither of them ever consented to this tête à tête. But, it couldn’t be avoided now. And yet, a small part of him stopped hating it, when Enjolras admitted that he was unsure of the depths of his feelings towards the cynic. And he looked up at his Apollo, hope in his eyes, however much he hated himself for it. At least until the leader made his demand of him. Demanding what Grantaire wanted. And, his face fell. Knowing he had no choice but to answer. “Everything.” He said quietly, looking away from him then. Unable to bring himself to look at the man he loved as his face coloured with emotion and embarrassment. “I want more than anything for you to look at me the way I look at you. To know that you feel for me as I do, for you. But, I would never expect that, mon amis. I would be happy just staying your friend. Happy to just be your companion, as we have been.” ~~~ He immediately felt guilty for having asked the question. He had no right. And yet a part of him wasn’t sorry that he knew. It made things clear, it did that if nothing else. “I’m sorry. I am. I should not have asked. But knowing. It does help. I understand, about the night you came to me drunk, the things you have said to me now and again. It makes sense. And I’m so sorry that I couldn’t tell.” “I can be nothing but honest it seems. So in honesty, I don’t know that I can feel what you do. I don’t know if I’m able. But I also want you to know that it's not impossible. With time. Now that I know how you feel. I need you to know that.” It was strange. Even thinking about it, he was always so busy, so focused on France, he had never considered. Even before the revolution, his mind just hadn’t strayed to such thoughts. But Grantaire, he had been a companion for as long as they’d known each other. They argued, they fought, he was exasperated by the man. And yet he couldn’t… “I can’t imagine a life without you in it. I don’t know if that means anything to you. I don’t know what that even means to me. But it is true. You want more I expect than that. But for now, for tonight. Can that be enough.” he asked. ~~~ Grantaire couldn’t help but laugh hollowly at that. Was that enough indeed… “I’d always take whatever I could get from you, Apollo. Whether it be your ire or your friendship. As long as I can have your attention on occasion I am content. I never dared to dream that there would come a day when you would even know of my feelings towards you, beyond those of friendship. Let alone even contemplate the idea that said feelings would or could be reciprocated.” He ran a hand through his dark curls, trying to tidy the unruly mop on his head. More for something to do with his hands while he thought, than for any sort of vanity. “Do you understand now, why I couldn’t let you die alone? There is no life for me, without you in it.” He whispered, gazing up at the blonde revolutionary. Feelings laid bare before him. However much he had not been ready for this conversation. There was no holding back now. Not really. And yet, there was more to say. More words that were threatening to spill from his lips. That, he had not said out loud since the day that his fiancèe died, all those years ago. Three words that while implied had not actually been said yet. “I love you, Enjolras.” And, like that his face was buried in his hands. Not wanting to face the words he’d barely let himself say in his own head. Let alone to tell the man. ~~~ He knew. He supposed he always had known. But it just hadn’t connected with him. It had been there, at the back of his mind. Never to be thought of. But there now, it was in the open. Spoken. No longer hidden. And with that, the confession that everything he had ever said to him, be it kind or cruel, had been taken by Grantaire and held sacrosanct. Their arguments, their fights. All of it. “You’ve felt like this for so long, and I’ve been so blind to it. And I am sorry. I am. I truly wish that I could give you all you want. All you deserve, I...I don’t know quite what happens now. I know there’s no one in my life. I know there never really has been, no matter the women who I knew for fact wanted more. But if there ever was to be. I would wish it to be with someone who knew me. Someone who understood my beliefs. Someone who has been there through the worst times. Someone willing to stand with me in death. ...You...you didn’t want to live, did you? In a world without us, without...” This next part was new territory. Brand new. “I don’t know what I can give you. But you deserve what I can try to give. So for now, let's sit, talk. You can sit close to me. We can tell each other truths. And then tomorrow, well, we’ll leave that for then” ~~~ Grantaire tilted his head in contemplation of his words. And wished he could say something sarcastic to lighten the mood. But, apparently even that type of untruth was not permitted under this magic. So, instead he just grinned, shaking his head as he pushed himself back to his feet. “Do you know what I’m finding most annoying about this magic this morning? Sarcasm seems to be failing me. I wanted to say something about how no one cares about our lonely souls. But, apparently, since that is clearly untrue, I can’t. I can however seem to be able to explain that I wanted to say it. Quite bizarre really.” Still laughing, he stepped closer to Enjolras. He’d noticed him wanting to hug him before, and how he’d stopped short. Unsure of the reason why, he didn’t try for that familiarity. But, instead he reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. In a gesture similar to that of the last night on the barricade, he closed his eyes and rested his forehead against his Apollo’s, hand slipping up to rest on the back of his neck. “Are you sure about this, mon amis?” ~~~ This was it, the point of no return. And he considered, he thought. All of this made sense to him now in a way it had not done. And the gesture, of course he remembered the last time, that night. “I’m sure. If nothing else, a chance to have a night where you are unable to be sarcastic, how could I be anywhere else?” It was all manner of complicated. They both knew it. But in one way at least it was the most simple thing in the world. Grantaire mattered to him more than anyone else did, perhaps than anyone else could. And though he didn not know what more he could offer, he could give things a chance. He raised his own hand letting it rest in the same place. It was strange, to be so close with someone, it didn’t matter that it was another man. It would, he believed, have been just as strange with a woman. But it didn’t feel bad. It didn’t feel wrong. “Sit with me” he said softly. He’d go along. Find what felt comfortable and what did not. He trusted Grantaire to accept any limits he might set. |