InsaneJournal

Who: Phil Coulson & Grant Ward
When: This evening
Where: A corridor not far from Phil's room.
What: They both got advice not to engage. Ward ignored his and goes manic ranty. Coulson semi ignored his. It lead to a mess of feels. But no one even gets shot!
Status: Complete
Rating: Low. Ward's a tad manic and Coulson's not dealing well.



It was a combination of things that sent Grant Ward looking for Coulson on this one particular day. Partly annoyance. Partly curiosity about just how bad it had gotten and partly the little mission Peggy Carter had given him. Actionable intelligence. How about the fact that there was no way Phil Coulson was mission ready for whatever it was she was planning. Ward didn’t hate Coulson, even now. Not here, the things that had happened, the things that would happen were another lifetime away. But not hating him did not at all mean he respected him as an agent. He was unpredictable, dangerously emotional and entirely compromised. And his team, they weren’t treating him like a leader, weren’t questioning his bad decisions. They were in fact enabling it from what he could see.

So Ward just needed to push him, just enough to prove his point. It wouldn’t be hard.

And if nothing else it would be a test of just how far he’d fallen because of whatever had happened at home. Head of Hydra apparently, it sounded ridiculous but then given everything, given Kara. He could only assume he’d just stopped caring. Stopped trying to be better, stopped hoping for a chance, any kind of a chance to be thrown his way. Why keep fighting against the current. He thought sometimes if not for Betsy, if not for he’d have done the same here long ago.

He wouldn’t give up here. Kara deserved better than some shell of a man. But SHIELD had killed him long before any mission to any planet.

And much as he was happy to deal with Coulson here. He wasn’t averse to using the other man’s issues against him. It was just part of the job after all. Which was why he had tracked Coulson down pretty quickly and stepped into his path with a decidedly sardonic smile.

“Avoiding me?”

Well, it seemed fate wanted to test him. Phil was still going over his conversation with Steve and the other man's advice when Grant stepped in front of him. It was hard, not to react to everything the other man said because deep down, he still wanted to save him - that's what it boiled down to. He wanted to somehow stop the trajectory that led Ward to being the head of HYDRA.

"Just trying to give you and Kara the space you want," Phil said evenly, meeting Grant's gaze. He wasn't wearing the prosthetic arm, but the sleeve of his shirt was rolled up over the stump. He was curious what Grant would do, but he wouldn't make the same mistakes here that he made back home.

“Right, of course. And the fact that you basically cut off conversation with me because I asked how you killed me in the end, is just coincidence. Or is it that I asked why? What I’d finally done that made me irredeemable. Which of course is one of those fun questions isn’t it? Because I always was in your eyes.”

It was kind of sad that Coulson had come to this. And of course he’d been listening to the so called heroes. The Avengers. It would always amuse Ward how Romanoff was so against him when it was possible that really the only difference between them was an offered chance. But all the same, it probably bothered him less than it would have if he didn’t have someone in his corner. And he had Kara. The one they kept telling him was unhealthy for him to be around. The one who would never get the chances Bucky Barnes got because she didn’t have the right friends.

“Thing is, I’ve thought about things here. I’ve had a lot of time, you know? And you tell me I cross a line. And hell, maybe I do. But I worked out, you didn’t kill me Coulson. Or at least you didn’t do it on any planet. I died a long time before that. When I realised there was no chance of anything better than being the monster. No chance of ever getting free of that. It was starting to happen then. It’s funny, when you realise there’s nothing left in your life, it really does drag you down. When the world thinks you’re a psychopath long enough, do you think you become one? I mean I haven't lived it, how would I know? But I wonder sometimes if you’re proud of it. Or if you actually think you’re still the good guy? I wonder if you didn’t have Avengers in your corner if you'd have to jump through as many hoops just to offer your help as I do?”

He was staying calm. Focused. He wasn’t letting any of it pull him into anger. Betsy’s work with him around what damage the Berserker staff had done, really had made a difference.

"None of that matters here, Grant," Phil said calmly. It was dizzying, listening to Grant who sounded almost desperate. "You and Kara asked for space, so that's what I'm trying to do."

Phil felt bad about it certainly, but he wondered if maybe he did make things worse. Maybe things would have been better if they hadn't gone off after him. But things had come to a head. "I'm not a good man, Grant, and I'm not proud of what I've done. I did what I thought was right. Sometimes I did the right thing, sometimes I did the wrong thing. But we all make mistakes and this world.. this world is different. Here we all have a second chance at something else, something new. And I don't want to stand in the way of any opportunities for you here."

It was like listening to a record. Coulson decided he wasn’t a good man. The guilt was getting to him, it all ate away at the core of the poor tragic little man that should have died to an Asgardian with a god complex and Daddy issues. “You know, I learned pretty early saying that doesn’t excuse a damn thing. And unlike you I don’t excuse what I do. I denied caring about Hydra’s rhetoric. I never did. Until I guess I actually lost my mind. I told you I’d be honest, give you names, intel. I never hid that I did that for any other reason than Skye. I told you everything and you still decided handing me over to my childhood abuser was entirely a just and right thing to do. So I escaped. And then I became the monster right? Then I became the irredeemable bastard that you needed to finish because what, because I betrayed you? A lot of people betrayed you Phil? I just hit closer to home right. I was just that good at my job?”

He wasn’t sure what to say when it came down to it. Most of this was ranting. Most of it was years of bitterness and anger washing away with every step.

“You put May first so much of the time. May and Skye. Even when they're wrong. I was still part of your team during everything with Lorelai. And somehow still I wound up the bad guy, cheating on poor Melinda? RIght? You know if I’d actually been SHIELD I’d have requested a transfer at that point. Because that’s when I really saw it. That you’re a bad leader. That you play favourites, that you can’t control what you create.”

He shook his head, realizing that why he’d come here wouldn't matter. That even the great and noble Agent Carter would be fooled by this messed up nobility he tended to show the world.

“I wanted to prove you were unfit as an agent. As an intelligence officer. Any of it. I mean, I can. You are. But I realised there was so little point. She asked me to find her something, some proof that I was as good as I said at my job. Not proof I could be trusted, that would make sense. But something else. Something actionable. And I can, you know I can find something. I can do that with my eyes closed. I even told her to talk to you, for you to admit that much as you hate me I’m good at what I do. But no, I get hoops to jump through and the only reason I still have to, is you. You and the fact you’ve managed to convince the heroes you’re one of them when we both know you’ve fallen further than you even admit to the team. Does Skye see it I wonder?”

He laughed, leaning against the wall letting Coulson walk past if he wanted to.

“I don’t have a chance here. Not with the people from home. Not to be who I want to be. And that’s on you. So there you go, revenge in two universes. Happy now?”

"She?" Coulson asked, trying to follow Ward's train of thought which seemed to be spiralling out of control. It was different than the Ward he'd known here just a few weeks ago. Had May's short time here really pushed him this far back? That and Kara's arrival. It didn't make sense, but maybe the best thing was to stay away, even if this place wasn't that big.

"No, I'm not happy. And you're an excellent operative. One of the best. But you don't need me to tell you that. You already know."

“Carter. I talked to her. Offered to help her since she’d clearly been putting something together, said my piece, explained my past. Took responsibility for what I'd done. But put across that being here, this world. It needed people like us. She agreed. But unlike the rest of you I have to do more, provide her with more. Not some kind of trust exercise, a test of skills. You think May would have to do that if she was here? Because I doubt it.”

On some level Ward knew he was ranting. But then he’d finally worked it out. What they’d done to Kara, what they’d made him do? He’d clearly snapped. He’d clearly finally lost it and nothing had mattered since but his revenge. And Coulson, he wasn’t seeing it.

“May made me kill her. You told me that. May tricked her, knowing me. Knowing what I’d do. And I’m sorry. Bobbi Morse had it coming. I’m not sorry we took her and I’m not sorry we tried to get her to admit what she’d done to Kara. Have you ever talked to her about Bobbi? Because you should. ...But ultimately though, It was May being here that showed me how bad it must have gotten after Kara. Because I so badly wanted to watch her die.”

It was getting to him now, all the bluster he’d gone in with deflating just because the conversation had come to this.

“You’re avoiding engaging with me, even now. Because you don't know what I’ll do, or how volatile I am. I’m talking, and you’re letting me. Barely engaging. Taking everything I’m saying and giving nothing. And I’m falling for it. You want to know what kind of man you all made me. You saw it on that planet. That’s what killing Kara did. I snapped. It's the only thing that makes sense. Before that, I did things, terrible things. I had, have, some severe mental health issues. I know that. But so do you, so does May. So do most people in our line of work. But even with that, I can tell you exactly why I made every one of those choices.

Not justify them, but explain them. After...I think you finally made the psychopathic monster you all wanted so badly.”

The lighter in his pocket found it's way to his hand. God help him, he still found it comforting, lighting it, letting it burn out, over and over.

“Avoiding it Coulson. It’s making it worse.”

"Whatever you were there, Grant, you're not that here. That's what I've learned while we've been here. You don't need to become that here. You're free of Garrett, free of HYDRA. Part of me regrets that you can't be free of SHIELD, but that's just how it is here right now. But I've been trying to give you another chance here, Grant. A chance for you and Kara to have the life you deserve, free from our interference." Coulson found it intriguing what Carter had told Grant. All the more reason for him to talk to her about everything. It was interesting. If Grant did something, Coulson might just let him, because on some level he felt he deserved it. Because reality wasn't fair.

Idealistic again. That was another thing Coulson could never quite grasp. Sometimes the world didn’t settle so easily.

“Nah, I am. I don’t need to become that, no, and I won’t. But I’m not free, not from him, not from Hydra. It's always there. It’s always another reason to remember I really am as weak as he always said. Kara sees me as her saviour. And honestly, I did want to help her. I tried to. Because she’s no different than Barnes. She’s suffered, same as him and you all treated her like crap even before I was ever in her life. Kara...how bad she has it, that’s on all of you. Because you left her behind. Like you always promise you won’t. So she doesn’t trust any of you. She relies on me and you all think I’m controlling her, using her. You all think I’m becoming John, so, no, he doesn’t leave, I don’t get to be free of him.”

There was so much that was broken that made up the man he’d become and none of it, not one bit had been worth anything. Apart from Skye.

“ Do you know how long I wanted to make things better, with the team, with...with Daisy. Not because I’m twisted enough to ever think she could care about me again, but because she did once. Because for a couple of weeks there, someone saw me as someone they could maybe love one day. It doesn’t matter that we’ve both moved on and it doesn’t mean I care any less about Kara. It’s just, she’s..she means a lot. And she’s here. And I really am trying to give you all space. But I don’t know how.”

He knew it was messed up. All of it was.

“You really think it’ll all work out. Everyone happy. Everyone moving on? It doesn’t work that easily. I don’t get to help anyone here, I don’t get to be a part of whatever this becomes because...I guess because I’m not worth it.”

It was too much. The blame, the accusations. All of it. Vitrol that needed somewhere to go. "You're worth it, Grant, but I don't think I can be the one to help you here. Betsy seems to be helping, but you and I have too much history. But you are worth it. That much I know."

Coulson hesitated for a moment before taking a step down the hallway. "You have a chance here.

He was right. There was no way they could ever get past this. Everything that had happened. Blame, recriminations. They both had parts to play.

“Yeah." he said simply, letting Coulson pass.

He should have left it there. He should have. It would have made sense. But the comment about him being worth it?

“Do you think if it had have been you, instead of John that found me in Juvie. Do you think I could have been someone good? A hero.”

It was pointless to answer. It was a question that would likely only make him feel worse, but he wondered sometimes.

Coulson stopped in his tracks, turning around to face Grant. "I hope so, but maybe I'm just as bad as John. But I know you have it in you, to be a hero."
Ward didn’t answer. It was too ridiculous a thought to even begin to consider. He wasn’t the hero. He’d never be the hero. He just allowed himself a self deprecating laugh before walking in the opposite direction away from Coulson, hand moving into a slight wave without much thought. It wasn’t at all how he thought their little confrontation would go. But there it was. If anything he was a little saddened Coulson didn’t discuss more. But he couldn’t blame him either.

Coulson was clearly crazy if he could consider that. But then, so was he. Maybe they really were two sides of one coin.