Phil Coulson (agentofsass) wrote in the100, @ 2015-12-14 19:24:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log/thread, phil coulson, steve rogers / captain america (mcu) |
Who: Phil Coulson & Steve Rogers
When:Sometime this week, evening
Where: The Gym
What: Rogers demands answers. Coulson agrees to give them in person.
Status: Complete
Rating: P for Patriotic? idk (G/PG)
To be truly honest, he didn't want to do this at all. Steve was.. Well, his idol. But more than that, Steve Rogers was the near impossible standard coulson held himself too. Some people might have "what would Jesus do?" Bracelets but for Phil, it had always been what would Steve Rogers do? (As a kid it had been what would captain America do, but after years of working for shield, he tended to err on the side of Steve.) Rogers was right, of course, this was the type of secret that destroyed SHIELD and if they were going to do anything here like what shield should be, he had to come clean.
He wiped the sweat off his forehead, he'd let himself go here the last few months and it was time to put an end to that. He'd left the prosthetic in his room - he couldn't even stand to look at it right now even if it wasn't the same one - and was in sweats and a tshirt, trying to figure out the best way to defeat the punching bag one handed. His balance was off whether he used the prosthetic of not, and it involved a lot of relearning. Patience, something Phil wasn't particularly fond of these days.
Steve's frustration with how evasive Phil had been faded after Phil agreed to meet. It was Steve's hope that he'd finally come out with whatever it was he wanted to say. If they were going to follow through on Peggy's idea in any way, the kind of evasive, compartmentalizing that Fury did was going to have to stop. Steve couldn't stand it then, and he wasn't going to tolerate it here.
Not only that (and, honestly, more importantly), Steve was worried about his friend. It was clear that whatever had happened bothered Phil a lot, and Steve knew that bottling it up wasn't going to help anyone, in the long run. He couldn't help if he didn't know what was going on - whether it was Phil who needed help now, or someone else who needed help in the future. Steve couldn't protect anyone if he didn't know what was going on.
He stepped into the gym to find Phil already there. It was still jarring to see Phil without a hand; he could only imagine what that must be like for Phil himself. "When you get the hang of the punching bag, I'll let you borrow the shield for practice."
It was, perhaps, the best and worst thing Steve could have said. His hand dropped to his side. Ever since he'd been a little boy, he'd wanted to touch that SHIELD, to be worthy of it. Now, well, he was pretty sure he would never be worthy of it. He reached for a towel to wipe his face. "The shield's better off in your hands, Captain," Phil said quietly. He knew people would say he was being too hard on himself, but that was necessary. "Would you like to debrief here?"
"I don't know about that," Steve countered. "It could be good for you to be able to toss it around in a fight, if I don't have it. Barton and Romanoff both do. You should've seen Barton toss it to me when Ultron first showed up." Phil should have seen a lot of things, Steve thought.
He relaxed his stance and nodded his head. No one else was around, so if this was sensitive - and Steve had a feeling it was - there was no one around to overhear. "Here's fine with me."
Phil nodded, a bittersweet look in his face. It still hurt that he hadn't been there with the Avengers, they held a special place in his heart, they had been his, once. He'd given his life for them. He understood duty, to give his life for them, to work for SHIELD, instead of the Avengers, but he hadn't been pleased about some of the orders Fury had given. But this wasn't a time for dwelling on the past. He allowed himself a small smile of the thought of Barton throwing the shield, he would have liked to have seen that.
He studied Steve for a moment, uncertain of how to proceed. "There was an incident," Phil began, eyes trained on the stump of his arm. "I gave up directorship of SHIELD, kidnapped a civilian - Ward's brother, followed Ward through the portal and then killed Ward."
Steve's eyebrows lifted, just a little, with surprise. Kidnapping a civilian wasn't something he'd expected out of Phil. The only kidnapping Steve had been involved with was of Jasper Sitwell, but he was a HYDRA agent, and they needed information he had. Involving a civilian like that was not something SHIELD was supposed to stand for, but he didn't know the full story, so Steve was careful to keep his face impassive. Surprised, but calm.
Killing Ward, though. Steve couldn't say he was surprised that it had come to that. After everything he'd heard, it sounded like that was the only way it could end.
"So I assume he went to this other planet on behalf of HYDRA, in order to bring this creature back to our world? Do I have that right?”
"You do." It was his SHIELD voice. Lacking emotion. "Ward killed someone… close to me. They died in my arms. Then he called me."
Phil's eyes were trained on his arm, unfocused as the scene played out in his memories. "He taunted me and I lost control. Gave up directorship to Mack - I don't think you know him, but he's good. May seemed an unwise choice after Andrew. Went off book. Interrogated my team. Ward cares. About Kara, about his brother. So I threatened what he held dear to try to get him to negotiate. He had Fitzsimmons captive. I was desperate. So I jumped out of a plane through a portal."
Steve frowned, but he kept quiet, allowing Phil to get what he needed off his chest. He knew what it was like to wake up with a head full of new memories. He knew how confusing it was to sort them out from everything else. If Natasha or Tony hadn't woken up with the same ones, Steve might not have believed they were even real at all.
"And you killed him on the other side." That was heavy. Steve could see why Phil was so conflicted by what he'd done. The right thing, done for the wrong reasons, or in the wrong way, wasn't really the right thing in the end. Steve remembered having that debate over Sokovia, and whether or not they should sacrifice a city in order to save an entire planet. The end didn't justify the means in Steve's eyes; that was what had always set him apart from SHIELD.
"Which part of it are you concerned about?" Steve asked. "Kidnapping his brother?
"All of it," Phil admitted, eyes lifting to meet Steve's, uncertain of what he would find in them. "I crushed his ribs, Captain. With my hand."
A glance down at the stump. "I crossed a line. Too many lines."
The kind of behavior that Phil was talking about was dangerous -- for SHIELD, for the Avengers, for anyone. However, Steve could understand where it had come from. There were a few people in his life that he'd go to the ends of the Earth for. He had disobeyed direct orders to rescue Bucky, with nothing in the way of back-up. He'd taken down SHIELD, and a lot of good agents along with it. That decision still weighed heavily on his conscience. It wasn't wrong, but he would always wish he could have done more.
“How many HYDRA agents do you think stand up again after they fight me?” he asked, choosing to be blunt instead of gentle. “I'm not naive. I know they don't all survive.” Was that crossing a line? Steve didn't think so. “How many people do you think would have died if you'd allowed him to complete his mission? You think you crossed a line killing him, but what I see is you saving all of us by stopping him. We have a duty to all of the innocent people out there who deserve long, happy, safe lives.” He hesitated. “Besides, if you'd left him there, he would have died slowly. That would have crossed a line.”
The bluntness was appreciated. Phil had seen too much, done too much, to be coddled. "I know there's always a price for what we do." A heavy price. New York. Sokovia. Afterlife.
Phil sighed. "I did what Ward did. I went off the rails because he killed someone I cared for. Off book, broke protocol. He said once that we were two sides of the same coin. I made that true."
Steve shook his head. “No --” His voice came out more forceful than he’d intended, and he shot Phil an apologetic smile before he started again. “No, we were already two sides of the same coin. SHIELD and HYDRA, we’ve been opposing each other for decades. We’ve always envisioned peace for the world, but what that means to them and how they mean to achieve it is vastly different from what you and I want.”
He stepped closer and placed a hand gently on Phil’s shoulder. “You were grieving, and you were angry. Maybe you were reckless. I can’t judge you too harshly about that. I’m not exactly the most careful person on the planet.” His smile grew a little, lopsided as he poked fun at himself. “I jumped out of a plane behind enemy lines to save my best friend. I get desperate. It makes us do things we might not do otherwise. But here’s the difference between you and Ward. HYDRA is interested in power, and they don’t care who they destroy in the process. Ward doesn’t care who he destroys as long as he achieves what he wants. You do care. You care about what happens to the people around you. Everything you do, you do with everyone else in mind, too. You jumped out of that plane to take out a threat that had been tormenting you and the people you cared most about, and who you knew had even bigger plans than that. Maybe you wanted him to pay for what he’d done, too. But he would have done much worse if it hadn’t been for you.”
Phil studied Steve. This wasn't what he had expected. "Not this time. The only thing on my mind this time was making Ward pay for what he'd done." He paused for a moment, running a hand over his hair.
"I know. I know what he had planned, but Ward. I trusted him once, back before all this. And Daisy had some good insight - it's not that he doesn't care, it's that he cares too much. And that's when he does things. Kara, his brother, even Daisy. The worst thing is - I still want to help him. At least the him that's here, but with Kara here, he's a different man. In the memories, I became a man I never want to be. We put in those rules and regulations for a reason, but they're not foolproof. I understand why you took down SHIELD, and I think you understood why I brought it back."
He glanced around, to make sure they were alone once more. "But if we're going to move forward with Carter's idea, then I just need to make sure that we put in the precautions so that such a thing doesn't happen. Because what I did to Ward wasn't justice, it was revenge. So if we do this, we need to keep in other in check."
Steve didn't scoff, but the look on his face as Phil started talking about how much Ward cared was a clear sign as to how he felt about the other man. He didn't agree -- but then again, he hadn't known Ward before discovering his true allegiance. (Steve could argue that none of them really knew Ward, and that they had trusted a man who didn't even exist, but he didn't think that argument would get very far with Phil, if he couldn't see that already.)
Phil was right, as far as what SHIELD was supposed to represent and how they were supposed to act. They weren't supposed to fly off at the handle for revenge, or grief, despite how very human both of those feelings were. That was something that got Steve in trouble more than once: sometimes he didn't stop to follow rules if someone he loved was involved.
"Okay, that's fair," he conceded. "We don't take justice into our own hands like that." He thought about what had happened recently to Emerson. No matter how wrong as his actions had been, killing him in cold blood wasn't right. "We keep each other in check. We talk to each other before we run off to do something reckless." The more he thought about it, the more he liked that idea. The disaster in Sokovia would have been prevented if Tony hadn't done something reckless and had talked to the team, first. "Like create artificial intelligence. We can't act as a team if we don't trust each other, and in order to trust each other, we need to actually talk before we act." He squinted at Phil. "We shouldn’t tell Ward. He's… I don't trust that he won't do the same thing he did in our world. I don't want to set him off when I know he's already looking for any reason to hate us. I don't want what happened in our world to happen here."
"And I have the feeling Agent Carter will have no problem keeping us in check," Phil said with a fond smile. He liked what he'd seen of her so far. She was even better than her reputation. He caught the reference to Tony and the situation with Ultron.
"Too late. I already told him the basics - that he killed someone close to me, that I kidnapped his brother, and killed Grant. And that he was heading up HYDRA. He pressed me for more information and started threatening me if I so much as breathed a word of it to Kara. I have no intention of doing so, but Ward has no right to be issuing ultimatums. It hurts him, I think, the knowledge that he takes over HYDRA. Which gives me hope for the Ward here. I think I just need to keep my distance from him for a bit until he cools off."
Of course. Nothing could go well here, could it? They didn't get a real break from a whole world of bullshit back home; what made Steve think that this world was going to be any different?
"So he's already resorted to threats? Great. That's just great," Steve grumbled. The displeasure was clear on his face again, and he folded his arms across his chest. "Ward doesn't care if he has no right to issue ultimatums. Threatening you proves that. If he hurt you specifically because you hurt him, what do you think he's going to do knowing you killed him? And that's not even getting into how we can't keep each other in check if you just make decisions on your own."
"I owed him the truth," Phil replied, voice firm and unshaking. On this point he was certain. "I'm not going to reply to his jeers or taunts or threats. He's scared, unnerved. But he won't act. He knows if he acts first, justice will be swift. He'd much rather provoke one of us into making the first move that can't be undone. Catch us in a trap, as it were. It's what he wanted with May. He wants to prove the hypocrisy of SHIELD."
Phil sighed. "It was one decision in the heat of the moment… and before I'd thought how we best might prevent something of the sort happening here."
"His fear is exactly what got him to that point in the first place. His fear, and his anger. You're fueling that fire."
Finally, Steve stepped back and shrugged his shoulders, in effect giving up. "After everything he's done to you and your team, he's the one who owes you, not the other way around. But you clearly think you know what's best here. I can't stop you from doing whatever you think you need to do."
"And I'm admitting that I don't always think straight when it comes to Ward." Maybe he should let someone else take over dealing with Ward. Listen to others instead of trying to think he could handle it himself. He closed his eyes and sighed.
"How would you proceed from here on out?"
"I would stop giving him fuel for his hatred, but it's too late for that now." Steve knew that was harsh, but it was true. What Ward needed was a chance to heal -- from whatever had driven him to John Garrett and to HYDRA in the first place, and from what had transpired between himself and Phil's team. Steve didn't see how giving him yet another reason to see them as the villains would help him move on, or how it would help the rest of them find peace.
"The fact that he wants to provoke us tells me that he's not ready, or willing, to let go of the past. He's not ready to accept his own part in what's happened to him. He needs to do that first and foremost. I'd give him space. I wouldn't speak to him. He needs to figure himself out, on his own, without your interference. If the man you think he can be is really in there somewhere, giving him more reasons to be angry with you isn't going to draw that person out. It's only going to make it worse. If he's really afraid of what he becomes, then he'll see that this is his chance to prove he's better than that and that he can change his own fate. If not…"
Steve sighed. He didn't want to know what might happen if that hypothetical proved true. He wanted their lives to be peaceful here -- or at least as peaceful as it could be. That was true for Ward as well. Ward might not believe it, but it was true. "Give him a chance to figure out who he wants to be now. That's what I'd do."
Phil nodded, and crossed his arms. Or rather, he tried, which ended up being more of grasping the elbow of the stump. It was a position he took often in meetings with May and Mack. "How do I give him space when he keeps trying to get information and such out of me. This place isn't big enough to easily avoid him."
And if Natasha or Steve played interference, that would just infuriate Grant more. He sighed. "He and I were making progress. Before May came and left, and Kara.. I just wish.." But it was no use wishing. He knew what the world was like.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. "But what I wish is irrelevant. We need to do what's best here and now."
Steve shrugged. “You said yourself that he wanted to provoke May into making the first move. I don’t think that’s progress, but... maybe we have different definitions of what that word means. Things change. Circumstances change all the time. You both have to figure out how to deal with the changes without making things worse, or going after someone’s throat.” He could tell that the weight of this situation was heavy on Phil’s shoulders, and Steve wished he could convince Phil that he no longer needed to care about someone who had betrayed them so thoroughly. Why give the man loyalty that he never gave back? It didn’t make much sense to Steve. There had to be some give on the other end, too, or Phil’s grand plan of making things better would never work.
“Stop giving it to him. Stop sharing it publicly, where he can ask you what you know. Tell him he’s no longer entitled to SHIELD intelligence, as he’s no longer part of SHIELD. Talk about other things. His life here, your jobs, the weather, I don’t know. Whatever it takes to just stop giving in to him. That’s what he wants. And you’re falling right into the trap.”
It was hard to stop caring. Perhaps that was his weakness - Phil would always care. The betrayal would always sting more for that reason. The day he stopped caring would be a worrisome one indeed. Perhaps that was what worried him the most about the memories he'd gotten - the cold blooded nature in which he had killed Ward. Watching him die under his hand and then dropping the arm next to Ward's body. Things had changed in that moment. He had lost a part of himself.
Was it all part of some grand plan of Ward's? He wasn't sure. It wasn't until recently that Grant's animosity had been turned on him. Before it was something else. But perhaps Steve was right. In any case, Phil knew he was too close to the situation. "I'm not convinced it's a trap, but perhaps you're right. I can do that. Or try at least."
He gave Steve an appraising look and smiled fondly. "You're doing good, Steve. Here and back home. "
"Maybe it's not, but he's not going to get any better if we keep giving him more reasons to be angry." He hadn't been successful at that himself, Steve thought. He'd argued more than he'd tried to help. He'd seen HYDRA more than he'd seen anything else. And now it seemed like he wasn't wrong to react that way, but if there was ever going to be peace here between all of them, something had to change. "Especially when we're only telling him things to relieve the burden on our own shoulders. I want to see what happens when we let him live his life in peace."
Steve returned the smile, but it wasn't quite as warm and fond as Phil's. He wasn't convinced of his own good deeds -- here or back home. He never was. There was always more he could do, more he could have done, something he could do better. What he was doing was never enough. "So are you, from what I've heard. I can't fight HYDRA all on my own. We need you, and your team." He inhaled deeply. "And thanks. I… I do my best. We'll see if that's enough."
Phil thought about that. Grant claimed to want that. A life in peace with Kara. Well, Phil would do what he could to make that happened. He was more than willing to give Grant another chance here, where there was less risk - no HYDRA and so far no HYDRA tech either. He nodded his agreement.
Phil raised and gave Steve a look. Because it was Steve now, not Captain America. "It's all any of us can do. You can't fight HYDRA on your own and neither can SHIELD. We work best when we work together. And the same goes here - we should collaborate as much as possible." He saw the doubt in Steve's eyes, a doubt he knew all too well from personal experience. He reached out and clasped Steve's shoulder with his good hand. "The ideals we have for ourselves are almost always unachievable. But you can't beat yourself up over it. All you can do is your best. You have folks here and at home who believe in you and who will help you. You don't have to do it alone. If you need anything, just ask."
That much Steve could agree with. Whether they were in this strange new world, or in their own where strange new things kept popping up, they were better together. That was the only way they'd be able to defeat HYDRA. The secrecy and dishonesty had to stop, or Steve was afraid he'd spend more time fighting his allies than fighting those who meant to do great harm to the rest of the world.
"The same goes for you, you know. Always." No matter what had transpired with Fury's secret to keep Phil alive, the other man was still always going to be considered a friend and ally. "Now… where were you in beating this thing up when I walked in?" He nodded towards the punching bag. "Can I help?"
Phil smiled and squeezed Steve's shoulder before letting go. "Trying to figure out how to not lose my balance in a fight. May's time here reminded me that I've let myself go. Can't let that be. Just need to figure out how to fight with one arm. Or with the prosthetic."
He nodded. "Wouldn't mind a bit of help. Can't get the rhythm right."
"I'm no expert, but sure, I can help. You'll need to practice against someone. We'll keep going until you get it." Steve glanced down to where Phil's arm used to be. He didn't often acknowledge it, in part because he didn't know what to say or how Phil felt about it. If anyone knew what that was like, it was Bucky, not Steve. "Maybe we could get Bucky to help you out too," he added quietly. "But for now, why don't you show me what you've got."