InsaneJournal

who ten & rose
what finally talking
where her room
when 11/28, after his walk with donna and seeing jenny
warnings angst? very PG

It was well overdue, seeing Rose. Most of his time was spent primarily with Donna. She’d become the priority, rightfully so. After everything she’d been through, he wasn’t about to leave her by herself for one second, not unless she rolled her eyes and told him go on then, spaceman, or something else to that effect. When it came to Rose, he knew he didn’t even have to ask. When it came to Rose, things were still awfully complicated. Rather than focus on that, he set his mind to the possibility of being able to talk to her again. He missed her, he always had. That would never change. Rose had been his own personal center of the universe, and he was still trying to find his balance in the wake of having lost her twice. So, after ending the day on something of a high note, he scraped up the remnants of his anxiety and made his way to her door. With a gentle knock at it--only one, he feared anything more than that--he waited against the entryway, leaning against the frame. This wasn’t going to be easy, but when had the Doctor ever enjoyed tackling something basic anyway? As far as interesting days go, this one was making it’s way to the top list. No, that wasn’t quite right. Interesting wasn’t the right word to use as watching yourself on a screen wasn’t interesting. It was strange and uncomfortable. Really, Rose should have known better, but rarely did she ever listen to the voice that says, ‘You probably shouldn’t be doing that.’ Now that Rose was thinking back on it, she had no idea what she thought the file would show. Yes, she watched the entire episode and it filled her with more sadness than anything else. Rose didn’t need to be reminded how plain, how unimportant her life was before the Doctor showed up. Not to mention seeing the Doctor, not the faces that are here now, but the face that took her hand and said, ‘Run.’ Seeing him made her homesick, and ashamed. After all, she and the Doctor were close and yet she had spent so much of her time avoiding contact with him. It had hurt her too much. As the days went on, and especially after watching this episode she realized how much she missed him. How much she hated not being a part of his life, even if it wasn’t the way she originally wanted. It was time to make things right. Knowing the arrival of Jenny would delay their meeting a bit, Rose settled herself in her room. It did provide her some time to think of exactly what she wanted to say to him and how she wanted to say it. It didn’t take her long to reach the door when she heard the knock. Opening it, she smiled when she saw that it was the Doctor. “Hello.” Her tone was as cheerful as she could make it, and she motioned for him to come inside. “Come on in. Did you have a nice walk with Jenny and Donna?” Somehow it felt like ages since he’d seen her last. That he had the opportunity to see her on a regular basis and was restricted the chance because he’d fallen in with someone else bothered him. Not that he resented Clara for it, far from it. When Rose had disappeared on the precipice of getting through to his walls, he’d needed a friend. Guilt prevented him from seeking Donna, and she had someone; they all always had someone. All Clara and the Doctor had was each other. So, it bothered him that he didn’t know how to make amends in a better, faster way. Above all else, Rose was and always would be a centrifugal force in his life. He could never forget her. The way he’d felt about her, and in many ways still did, wouldn’t fade so easily. So, her smile completely disarmed him as he walked past her and into the flat. Hands in his pockets, he felt so naked without the long coat to somehow guard him from the worst emotions had to offer. “Oh, brilliant time,” he responded honestly. “Donna and Jenny knew one another, she was there when…” The Doctor flinched, then turned around to look at Rose with a bit of a fronted smile. “When she was ‘born’, suppose you could say.” He had believed she was dead, but now he had to fumble with the knowledge that he’d left too soon; Jenny had come back to life. “Come along with us next time, if you want,” he suggested in a quieter voice, feet shuffling against the floor. “I…” What? Missed her? Nothing he could say needed to be said before, so he couldn’t start attempting to do so now. “Good, I’m glad. Jenny and I talked about getting lunch, get to know her, tell her a few stories about you.” Rose grinned. She nodded in agreement. “Sure, I’d like that.” Rose tried not to notice his movements and his voice, but it was difficult. As much as she practiced this, everything still felt off. It was like she no longer knew how to act with him. Now that he was with Clara, would the entire dynamic of their relationship change? It wasn’t just everything had happened, but how was she supposed to change her relationship? Rose didn’t know how and it made her feel awful. “Doctor…” She started but honestly now that she was here, everything she wanted to say seemed a little fuzzy right now. She took a deep breath, trying to get her thoughts in order. There was a reason why she wanted to see him, it wasn’t just that she missed him, well it was mostly that but they couldn’t just go back to seeing one another without making things right. “Look, I don’t want to do this anymore. I hate avoiding you. I hate not seeing you.” Rose said, her voice cracking slightly. She took another deep breath. “I’m sorry, Doctor. It wasn’t fair for me not to consider that you’ve moved on.” She held up her hand, not that she thought he was interrupt, but she had to get all of this out. “I’m not saying what we had wasn’t real, and I know that we will always care about each other, but it’s okay. I didn’t have the time to consider what you gave to me that day. Now that I have, I understand. I know the reason you gave us this chance is because you do care about me.” She paused and looked away because her throat burned and she could feel herself crying already. “But he’s also not here and there’s no guarantee that he will ever be here. While I love what you’ve done for me, I can’t promise things will work out the way you want them to, but I do miss you.” She breathed because she realized she had been talking quickly without taking another break. “Sorry.” She muttered, her eyes still on the ground. Her weight shifted back and forth uncomfortably. He remembered being human. Echoes of John Smith still lingered in his head, perhaps part of what drove him to be able to cope with such human-like emotions in the first place. That was largely a lie he told himself at night, but he needed something to blame for the incessant pounding in either side of his chest. When she said his name in that way, he could hear the very weight of his Adam’s apple bob with anxiety as he swallowed hard. This was going to be brutal, wasn’t it? How did humans do this on ordinary days? As Rose spoke, he made absolutely sure to listen. Knowing she understood didn’t absolve him of any guilt he had in hurting her, he didn’t suspect that he’d forgive himself any time soon. Having her understand to some degree, however, helped. Although his gaze had fallen to the floor, he felt something stir like--relief? He had never wanted to lose Rose. In leaving her behind the last time, he’d sealed his fate and paved the way for a self-destructive future. The Doctor was nothing without his companions, only a fool in a suit boasting brilliant hair. He’d hung his hopes on his Meta-crisis that he could fulfill some fairytale notion that he could live happily ever after with Rose somehow, but had no way of saying that to Rose, especially not now. Not when he’d taken up with a companion he’d met in a time he wasn’t allowed to remember, not with this face. As soon as she apologized, his eyes snapped to her face in shock. “Sorry? For what?” Baffled, the Doctor urged himself closer to Rose. It had been a very long time since he’d been in the same room as her, let alone close enough to reach out and hold her. Hanging up the guilt for now, he tilted her chin up gently to coax her to look at him, a faint smile attempting to shine in a show of his own sympathy and understanding. “I do more than care about you, Rose Tyler,” he said sternly. “You’ve never done anything wrong, so you haven’t got a thing to apologize to me for. Never. Not never ever, you know how I feel about saying that, but I’ll settle for half the sentiment. You’re my friend, it doesn’t matter what else is happening -- I need you around. I need my friends. I’m better when you’re here. I can’t…” What? Be with her? No, he couldn’t. Of course he couldn’t. “I can’t imagine carrying on without you now that you’re here,” he settled on saying. “If you’re ready for that, then I’m happy--lucky, in fact--to get to see you again.” For a brief moment she had second thoughts. His touch almost made her flinch away. With everything out in the open, it made moments like him holding her head more difficult. In the past, she could be happy in secret, taking in the small pleasures of the moment, but she couldn’t do that anymore. She hoped she was doing the right thing for herself and for everyone else involved. “Do me a favor then?” Rose asked. Getting her strength to hold her gaze on him. “Be honest with me from now on? You circled around the issue before I saw you and Clara. You made it seem like the only reason you couldn’t be with me was because you were worried I wouldn’t see you the same way. You still haven’t told me what you’ve done, but I don’t want you using that as an excuse anymore.” Rose breathed and continued. “The thing is Doctor, you becoming close with Clara and wanting to explore those feelings, I get that. I do. I wasn’t here, and Clara was. But don’t for one second think that how I see you will ever be different. I mean that in a way that no matter what you’ve done in life, I could never think poorly of you. Nothing you could do could ever make me be disappointed in you, all right?” She took his hand and squeezed him. “Because you’re never going to lose me as your friend. I promise.” There was a litany of reasons why he couldn’t, but the Doctor didn’t know how to tell her half of them. He tried not to think of them as excuses, though that didn’t and wouldn’t help cushion the blow of knowing them. Falling silent as she continued, the Doctor at least watched her intently and listened even closer. It was the very least he could do. Only when she finished did he let his gaze drift to where she clasped his hand reassuringly. It was such a foreign feeling, wasn’t it? He hadn’t touched her in so very long that the delay in returning the squeeze went keenly noticed. It was like fire, he noted, less than discreetly pulling back to hide his hands in the pockets of his suit pants. How he missed his long coat--but that was a mentally digression. She needed to hear words. “Rose, it had nothing to do with Clara why I couldn’t…” He struggled to form the words. He could only use the excuse that he wasn’t human for so long before people would say he was simply crying wolf. “Honestly, it didn’t. I still worry how you’d see me, how any of you would see me if you knew what I’ve done. And I… I can’t. I can’t say it, not yet.” But, that wasn’t the end of it. “What I can say is that, it isn’t only important how you see me, though that is very much at the top of my list, I promise you that. It’s that I couldn’t see who I’d become. Didn’t want to. Why would I? I was, I still am, shirking bits of darkness. It’s there, Rose, I’m not rid of it,” and if she saw it and accepted him that way--what then? What then, indeed. “I just mean that there being many pieces to all of this. I mean the honesty. Not all at once, you don’t have to tell me every secret, if it’s something I don’t need to know, I understand. But in terms of our friendship, I’d like us to be honest with one another. ” Rose stared at him. Wondering how it was even possible that he could come up with that in his mind. A world where Rose, where any of them would see him differently. She shook her head. “I wish I could explain to you on why that’s not possible. You know me, and I’ll repeat myself for a million years if I have to. You can’t disappoint me. I could never turn my back on you.” “I do wish you’d tell me. I understand whatever it is that makes you feel this way. But you aren’t alone Doctor. Don’t you think all of us being here is a sign? You’re feeling this way and now you’ve found yourself surrounded by friends. By people who care about you. You may not be rid of it, but guess what? You said there’s bits of that darkness, well what do you think that makes us? The rest of us who see you clearly than anyone. We’re the light.” Rose smiled. “We’re the light you need and the light you deserve. That’s why you have us.” Honesty wasn’t his strongest suit. Avoiding the truth, now that he excelled at doing. More often than not, it landed him in hot water. His need to run didn’t stem from a malicious place, but he knew Rose understood that. She deserved better and demanded it, rightfully so. In a brand new universe of which he had no hope (or want) for an escape, perhaps it was time to turn over a few new leaves. Still, he couldn’t ignore the gravity of the mistakes he made upon losing both her and Donna in the end. The Doctor squinted uncertainly at her before deciding to postpone changing for now, because it mattered more in the present that she knew he believed in her. That, at least, needed saying. “I know,” he nodded. Maybe she was right, too. Maybe he was becoming more than the darkness he’d let consume him, to drive him to escalated levels of fear enough to wield a gun against his own people. The words of Sarah Jane echoed Rose’s own just then and it was enough to prompt him to wrap Rose up in a sudden hug for which he gave no warning. “I don’t deserve it,” protested the Doctor. “But, I very well will take it while I’ve got it. I’ll tell you soon, Rose. I will. Thank you, for this--I’ve, ah…” Honesty, he mentally urged himself and so took in an unnecessary deep breath to finish, “...missed you, too. We’ll be alright though. You said that once, and look at that. Here we are.” The Doctor drew back from her, hands on her shoulders and an actual smile warming his face. “The old team’s back again, eh?”