InsaneJournal

Grantaire couldn’t handle the guilt anymore. He’d tried, he really had tried to cut down on his drinking. But, the guilt he feels, is all consuming without the alcohol to deaden it. But, the alcohol had been the reason for his guilt. It was a catch 22, or at least it would be if he knew what a catch 22 was.

His roommate had a friend over, and they’d been drinking. He joined them at first, but soon felt out of place. He missed his friends, and grabbing one of his bottles of absinthe, he stumbled out into the corridors. Wandering aimlessly through the mountain at first. Quickly draining the bottle dry, before he grabbed a bottle of moonshine at the tavern. Now, Grantaire had a pretty high tolerance for alcohol built from years of alcohol abuse. But, even he couldn’t cope with that amount. And he was the drunkest he’d been since the barricade.

Without planning, or forethought he soon found himself standing unsteadily outside of Enjolras’ room. Leaning against the doorframe, he knocked loudly.

“APOLLO!”

~~~

Enjolras woke easily, mostly because his sleep was troubled. He kept seeing them. All of his friends. All of those who had stood with him. Believed in him. Believed in France. And what had he given then but death. Sleep was a rare thing these days and it was starting to show in his eyes just how much. The banging on the door though. He knew it could be only one man. And the shout of his...nickname confirmed it.

He jumped to his feet still dressed for sleep and ran to the door lest his seemingly once again inebriated friend would wake Malia or Buffy.

“For gods sake Grantaire it’s late. No, more than that it’s early” he hissed, planning to send the man away to drown himself further in some bottle or other. But he could barely stand. This was drunker than Enjolras had seen him in a while. He’d have to invite him in. He led Grantaire toward his room intending to let him sleep this off. He’d need water. A lot of water.

“So, drinking less didn’t happen, hm? What broke it, your roommate and bourbon?” he said, helping him to the still warm bed and pulling a chair across so he could sit alongside. He’d sleep in the spare. But not until he was sure Grantaire would be alright.

~~~

Grantaire blinked at the image of the sun as the door was opened before him. He hadn’t realised how late it was. And the image of his Apollo still dressed for sleep made his breath catch, and his heart ache.

“I’m sorry, I’ll go.” He mumbled quietly, before trying to turn to leave. He stumbled catching himself on Enjolras instead. And, leant heavily against him, as his friend led him inside. He’d assumed the younger man would put him on the spare bed and be done with it. But, the feeling of still warm blankets made his eyes widen in surprise. And, he made to get up. This was too much. He couldn’t take Enjolras’ bed. He couldn’t. It smelled of him. But, his limbs wouldn’t cooperate, and he soon slumped back down into the bed. Resigned to his fate.

“I needed to deaden the guilt. Just for one night.” R said, looking up at his shining god with eyes glazed over with alcohol. The dark rings under his eyes showing how little he’d been sleeping. He reached out to grab Enjolras’ hand. “Don’t leave me.” Allowing his eyes to show how much he needed to be near him right now.

~~~

And deaden the guilt it seemed he had. Not that he had any reason to be guilty. Yes he’d been asleep during the worst of the last day but perhaps he’d known how it would end and rathered the alcohol deaden it. Enjolras wasn’t sure he could blame him for that. He was worried for him though. As much as he himself had not been sleeping. Grantaire looked worse. He could barely move and so Enjolras quickly edited a message he’d intended to send to the network earlier to include a note to medical. It didn’t take them long to respond.

“Look, you don’t need to be guilty. You don’t need to put that on yourself. It was my failing not yours.”

He let his hand be grabbed and leaned in slightly, he wasn’t going anywhere. R needed him and where else would he be.

“I’ll be here. And you can stay here as long as you need.” he considered, wondering if it might not be best that they share this room. He could keep better watch on him in that way and it might help him cope with whatever guilt he felt.

“But talk to me, stay awake for a while longer. Let us talk of happier times.”

~~~

“Should’ve fought with you.” Grantaire said softly, “Shouldn’t have disgraced the barricade. Just knew how it’d end.” He closed his eyes, unable to look at Enjolras as he said those words. He’d let him down that night, he knew it. And, he couldn’t bear failing him again. And he had. Look at him, he’d promised to drink less and now mere days later, he was drunk and in his bedroom. Worse than that, in his bed. He groaned, burying his face into the covers. Which made it even worse.

“Need to sleep, Apollo.” He mumbled, still holding tightly onto the other man’s hand. And he did. But, he wished this dream would never end, but he knew it should, lest it turned into a nightmare. “So do you.”

~~~


That was far from what he expected to hear from him but in some ways it made sense. He was guilty because he hadn’t been there for the last day. Grantaire couldn’t even look at him. “Stop it. You didn’t do this. We all understood what being there might mean. If anything, It’s my fault. I lead you all there after all. But if we go around in circles like this neither of us can ever be content here. We both have a chance here so I suggest you take it.”

Just like at the barricade he knew he had to say what his friend needed to hear. He believed himself entirely responsible for the failure they had met. Grantaire had nothing to do with it. And he had of course been with him. At the end.

He had been told of course not to let him sleep and so he squeezed Grantaire’s hand just enough to rouse him.

“Not yet. You need to drink some water and I need someone to ensure you’re safe. Alright? Can you stay awake for me?”

~~~

At that, Grantaire’s eyes opened into slits as he studied Enjolras. He saw more than he let on. Even drunk he could tell that his Apollo hadn’t been sleeping as well as he should be. But, he’d allowed him to keep those things to himself. “Like you clearly have? Taken the chance I mean?”

He knew Enjolras was right About not sleeping. Well, about the water.. Just, sleeping seemed like such a good idea right now. The best idea actually. And he couldn’t help but yawn. “I’m fine, Apollo. Just need to sleep. Been drunker than this.” He was too drunk even to be his normal articulate self. But, he knew he’d drunk more than this and not died before. But, he did like that Enjolras was worried about him.

~~~

“That’s not important right now.” he said simply. Still focused on ensuring Grantaire would be okay. He said he’d be fine. But he was hardly in a fit state to judge. And Enjolras knew little about what to do in such a situation besides put him on his side and hope he didn’t vomit.

“Need to sleep. Yes. But after water. And after you’re looked at. I’ve already called them. I’m sorry but I haven’t seen you like this. Not so drunk you can barely stand. And I’m not losing you in the night because you rolled over and choked to death. So you’re going to stay awake till the doctor gets here and then you can sleep.”

Enjolras wasn’t going to sleep tonight. If he even could have it was a moot point either way. He was going to stay awake to ensure Grantaire was safe in his sleep. He could read, he could think of various policies to bring to the leadership. He could try and make a difference here. It was probably good the leadership was already in place, once he’d have had aspirations in that regard had there been an opening. Now though…
“Tell me about the art? Are the people enjoying being able to view it? Do you remember the spider people, as they put it up. Have you ever imagined anything like it being possible?”

~~~


Grantaire was about to answer, when they were interrupted by a knock at the door. He tried to keep his eyes open as Enjolras left the bedroom in order to let the doctor in. As she checked him over, he answered her questions as best he could. And, couldn’t keep his eyes open much longer after she left the room, with a whispered conversation with Apollo.

The next morning, his head was pounding. He hadn’t had a hangover like that for a while. Well, not since...his eyes opened and he bolted up in bed as he remembered what had happened last time. Hyperventilating, his fevered eyes roamed the room that was familiar and yet not his own. And that was when he saw the mass of blonde curls asleep on the bed beside him. Enjolras had clearly fallen asleep in the chair next to the bed.

Groaning, Grantaire carelessly threw himself back onto the mattress, burying his head under the covers. This was more than he could handle. Enjolras was still dressed for bed, and the lack of clothing had already made his body react. Which clearly was inconvenient, since he was in Enjolras’ bed. He lay there for a few minutes, willing himself to calm down before the object of his obsession woke up. But, being under the covers did not help, when he was in his Apollo’s bed. The sheets smelled of him. Then with a deep breath, he willed himself to roll over onto his side and look at his friend, his leader.

“Enjolras?” He said, shaking the other man awake gently.

~~~

The hand on his shoulder woke him easily, sleep was light if it happened at all. It seemed he’d slept there, leaning on his own bed. And Grantaire had slept soundly it seemed. He sat up, eyes meeting Grantaire’s own. “Feel better?” he said simply, stretching his back slightly. Sleeping that way did nothing good to the spine. That said R would need a drink at least. Actual food. And at least half of that he could provide without leaving the apartment.

It worried him to think of just how drunk Grantaire had been when he’d found his way there in the night. What had possessed him? It was something he would discuss later. But for now there was no need to focus on that. He was just going to ignore it claiming hangover. Or make some comment about godliness to irritate him. If Enjolras could get him to eat and drink something good for him, then it would be a start.

“You’re going to drink some water and then come with me to breakfast.” he told the other man. Not quite an order but he could take it as he liked, he would insist after all.

“Come on, get up. I’ll pour you some water.”

~~~

Grantaire’s eyes watched warily as Enjolras woke and stretched his back. A jolt of guilt running through him because his friend had made him sleep in his own bed, while he’d slept in the chair. And, having slept in a chair so many times he’d lost count, R was well aware of how bad that was for one’s spine. But, also he was half expecting some kind of recrimination. A lecture. Something. When one wasn’t forthcoming, however, he blinked rapidly in confusion. Something was off. This was not Apollo’s normal reaction to his drunkenness.

Still, the absence of recrimination didn’t stop him from burying his head in the pillow muttering apologies that could barely be heard. “I’m sorry, Apollo. I didn’t mean to drink that much. I never even meant to come here and wake you, mon amis.”

Yet, when Enjolras virtually ordered him to get up, he rolled over, to start sitting up when he caught sight of Enjolras still half dressed, and froze. His eyes blinked rapidly as his brain struggled to keep up with well, everything. But, specifically his bodily reaction. And he really didn’t want the covers to be removed from him right at that second. Instead, he realised he had to do something he’d kick himself for later.

“Good God, man! Put some clothes on! You can’t go to breakfast like that!”

~~~

The laugh that followed was good natured and not at all realising the reason behind the comment. “I’ll do that. Will you please go and drink some water for me?” he said with a seemingly long suffering sigh, moving back across the room to fetch some clothes. He chose a simple enough outfit. He had nowhere special to be today. And he knew clothes were even still in short supply for the amount of people that lived here. Dressing quickly he rolled his eyes at Grantaire, still under the covered.

“Now, I’m decent aren’t I?” he asked. “Can you deign to rise from the bed and return to civilisation?”

There were complications of course that the marble god did not see. Layers to Grantaire’s discomfort that simply hadn’t occurred to him and wouldn’t without something being pointed out to him. Inadvertently he had been cruel and it would have bothered him to hear it. Had he known.

“Breakfast. And water. It's a simple enough thing to ask, is it not?” he asked again, tugging at the covers on the bed in an attempt to rouse his friend.

~~~

Grantaire squeezed his eyes shut still trying to will his body to relax and stop reacting to the man in front of him. Which was a lot easier now that the man had deemed fit to put clothes on. And, he knew he really could do with breakfast. And, his stomach rumbled to agree with this thought. But, the physical reaction to the marble gods presence had still not gone down.

“I just need a minute, mon ange.” He said, slightly teasingly. It wouldn’t do to let Enjolras know something was wrong. Yet, when the other man tugged on the sheets, panicking, his knuckles turned white as he gripped harder onto them, inadvertently tugging them back towards him. Pulling Enjolras right on top of him. Grantaire froze in panic. As what had only just began to soften suddenly went to full mast again at the contact. His eyes widened and his breath hitched. And he just stared at the man in his lap, shock plastered across his face. Knowing full well that the revolutionary had to feel exactly what he had landed on top of.

~~~

Enjolras fell as the covers were tugged back away from him, the smile of amusement fading as he landed on Grantaire’s lap and realised just why it was he hadn’t wished to leave his bed so quickly.

Well, that explained much.

It was of course natural. The morning’s dreams could lead to such things after all, he wasn't entirely without knowledge. And he’d been so convinced. He moved quickly, pulling away from the bed and nodding slightly. “Take the time you need. Was it the girl, Lexi? Was she invading your dreams?” he added jokingly, just trying to bring the conversation back around to something normal. “At least you’ve known her more than a day. I’ll get us something to drink while you...wake up?”

~~~

Grantaire’s face burned with embarrassment. While he wasn’t usually one to shy away from discussing his late night activities, and loudly. He’d never really discussed them with Enjolras, and with good reason. And he buried his face in his hands before even answering Enjolras’ question. Because, of course he’d think he’d be thinking of a woman. It would never have occurred to Enjolras that the feelings R had for him were anything other than plutonic.

And, talking to Enjolras about women was the last thing he wanted to do, if he was perfectly honest. He in fact opened his mouth, intending to state as much. When what came out of his mouth was not what he intended to say. “Indeed. Lexi, and her roommate, Georgina. They had a very interesting proposition for me the other day.” He hated his mouth sometimes. Why did he let it run away from him faster than his mind worked anyway?

The mortification he felt and annoyance he felt at his own mouth seemed to do the trick, and he slowly got to a point where he could actually feel comfortable leaving the relative safety of the bed. Especially if he avoided looking directly at his Apollo.


~~~

Interesting. The vampire and her roommate. He was not shocked entirely but he didn’t like that they were influencing Grantaire. There was no way it would be good for him to get involved with those two. But at the same juncture it was not his place to question what Grantaire did in his own time and who with. But he could help in his own way at least.

“Well, you will need to give me warning of your dalliances when you move in here. You’re not happy where you are and I would rather be able to keep an eye on you myself. I assure you, if you want those women here you need only tell me and I’ll spend my evening elsewhere.”

He didn't know why it bothered him. He suspected it must simply have been that those women were hardly good influences. And yet why had influences on Grantaire’s life begun to bother him. The Revolution was over, the older man was free to drown in his vices.

And yet.

“Water, Now” he said finally, shaking the stray thought away and finally leaving the room, allowing his friend to ready himself for the day ahead.