WHO: Simon Tam + Kaylee Frye WHEN: Sunday, April 17 WHERE: Back at Mount Weather! WHAT: Simon finds Kaylee at last and has to make up for what his alter ego did to her in Storybrooke. WARNINGS: N/A
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It took Simon some time to find Kaylee, once he knew that River was home and accounted for and he felt comfortable leaving her alone. Even his position in medical was put on hold, despite the fact that people needed help. His sister needed help. This wasn't the kind of thing that someone like River could handle well at all, and Simon didn't feel like he could leave her long enough to go talk to Kaylee.
And he needed to talk to her.
When River was finally able to sleep a little, Simon started out the door — and then he stopped, going back to the bathroom to check his hair and make sure he looked all right. And he did. He no longer had the bandage on his nose that he'd had in Storybrooke or the two black eyes. It was like he'd never been punched at all.
He remembered it. He remembered a lot of what had happened over the last few weeks, and he had a lot of apologizing to do.
He didn't think it would go well. It definitely wasn't going to go well. He had to be prepared never to talk to Kaylee again. It was strange. Simon Tanner felt like another person, he knew it was another person, and Kaila Frye wasn't Kaylee. They lived different lives, and yet it still felt familiar enough and strong enough in his memory that he still felt responsible.
When he left his rooms, he went at a jog, and when he saw her, he sped up to try and keep up with her. "Kaylee!"
That world. She had a whole family — two of them — really and yet there was still something missing. Kaila had been desperate for love. That's why she slept around as much as she did; she'd been looking for someone to love her. As a middle child in a family of a lot, she'd always felt that affection was just out of her reach. She knew her parents loved her, her siblings, even the Chargers, but it just wasn't enough. It wasn't like it was back home on Serenity.
Kaylee was on her way to Infrastructure. When in doubt, go fix something. If nothing else, the hum of whatever engines and mechanical items around was a comfort for her. She could get lost in the engine room on the ship well enough even though it was the smallest room in the place. It was home.
Just how long could she go pretending that Simon didn't exist? At least long enough until he could catch up to her.
"Kaylee."
Simon caught up with her, speeding up so he could get in front of her and block her from going any farther. "Kaylee, talk to me." He felt like he needed to say he was sorry, but for what? For something he couldn't control? Simon Tanner was a different person with a different life. He didn't know how to word it without saying that it was something he'd done, but he hadn't done anything at all.
She stopped with a jolt, pursing her lips. Her nostrils flared, then she crossed her arms over her chest. It stung to look at him, even though he had the same open (and sometimes helpless) face he always wore around her. It was always hard to stay mad at him. Especially when he came running up behind her.
"About what?" His was back to normal, at least. She didn't have to feel too guilty anymore about Bull being indicted for assault.
"About what happened," said Simon. "When we weren't ourselves."
He hadn't been himself. He'd seen shadows of himself in an alternate life, but it wasn't him. Simon Tanner was another person entirely, but what had happened to Kaila was wrong, and if Kaylee was going to associate him with that alternate version of himself, he had to clear the air.
"We can just choose to think that it wasn't us and we're not responsible for anything, but I have a feeling you don't like that answer."
Kaylee's eyes narrowed. Of course she didn't want to think that Simon was capable of that, but he acted just the way he had in that grocery store the second he boarded Serenity. It took a good long time — even after she'd gotten shot — for him to even entertain the idea that he might think of her as anything other than some crude, backworld's mechanic.
"No, you're right." It took up a little courage, but she finished. "You would never ask me out and tell me that you liked me."
Simon reacted as if she'd slapped him. He'd had a lot of things that he'd wanted to say — he'd wanted to tell her he was sorry. He'd wanted to tell her that he wasn't ashamed of who she was, that he was no longer the person that he'd been before he boarded Serenity, that he knew his arrogance got in the way and he made assumptions about people, and most importantly that he loved her.
He blinked, then glanced away and awkwardly cleared his throat. "No," he said quietly. "No, I guess not."
He smoothed his palms down over his pockets without actually slipping his hands inside. "Well, I. I'm sorry."
That somehow stung. She'd showed up here, and the first thing before he'd even told her what was going on, he'd kissed her. Kaylee had lost her bearings for a few moments, lost in that kiss and what it meant, but nothing had ever come of it. She knew that he had to take care of River; that was number one priority and she'd never want to take away from that.
But River was (moderately) safe here.
There were people who understood what was going on, were even fans, and still… Nothing. Kaylee's expression drooped from angry to just sad. "So am I." Why couldn't he just tell her like he did in that world? He'd looked at her that whole night and morning like she'd hung the stars, and if she could have, she would have done it for him. He wasn't that Simon, but there were more than enough pieces of him that it was confusing. "I didn't mean for Bull to punch you. He just — he's the overprotective sort, and I think he was goin' through somethin' on his own."
"I deserved it," said Simon. He wanted to distance himself, and refer to Simon Tanner as a separate person, but that felt like he wasn't taking responsibility for his actions. "I don't like it, but … I did deserve it. I don't … I don't feel that way about you here."
He stopped himself, taking in a careful breath. "I mean, I do. I do feel that way. But I'm not … I think you're a good person, Kaylee. And you're smart, even if it's a different kind of smart than I'm used to. And I didn't know how to appreciate that before. You're smart, and I can be stupid. I know. And I'm never more stupid than I am about you, because you're …"
He was bad at this. He was so afraid of screwing it up that he just screwed it up more.
She tried so hard not to get her hopes up. Simon had a way of filling her head with all this good stuff only to say something really hurtful, and she didn't want to press, but she really wanted to know what else she was. She bit her lower lip while he talked, and then finally asked, "Because I'm…?"
"Because you're special," Simon finished. He swallowed hard. "To me. You're special to me. And I'm never going to get it right."
He knew he loved her, but telling her was more complicated than it should have been. He was smart, he knew he was. He was brilliant. But he was a brilliant doctor, not a brilliant boyfriend, and he always managed to say something callous and wrong. Sometimes it was a matter of class differences, and he'd say something rude without meaning to, or he'd insult her intelligence because she wasn't educated in the same way. Knowing how often he'd messed up in the past just made it harder for him to talk to her now.
"You're probably … I mean, maybe all of this had a point," he said, tossing up his hands in surrender. "Maybe it was the universe — the universe telling us that you should give up on me. There are other guys who aren't going to be so stupid."
He called her special. Sure, the Cap'n sometimes called her special, but she wasn't one hundred percent sure he was being kind in doing so. She knew that she had a special place in the crew's hearts, because of her weird, eternal optimism. Maybe they thought her naive, needing protecting — in some ways, she really was. Others, not so much. Kaylee wasn't special or gifted the way Simon or River were. She always was a little in awe that a swai, intelligent man like Simon would give her the time of day. Or that super genius River Tam considered Kaylee one of her best friends.
"Yeah, but I kinda like your stupid, 'case you hadn't noticed." Maybe they would never work out. Maybe they were way too different to get past schooling and class and the fact that Kaylee's idea of high fancy always seemed to involve pink ruffles. "And...I had other guys 'fore you came aboard." That was how she'd gotten the job on Serenity in the first place. "I don't want other guys."
Simon smiled, a little crookedly. "You don't?"
It wasn't in the past tense. Somehow, she still didn't want other guys? Really? Even after everything that happened in Storybrooke, even after all the things he'd said here, trying and failing to come onto her.
"I don't want other girls," he said, tucking his hands into his pockets. "...Or other guys."
"But…"
And it was a huge but, because she knew it was hard for Simon to talk to people. He was brilliant unless it was to talk to people in a casual way. She'd seen him heal folks with those hands of his, and he could recite a whole bunch of really long words that made not a lick of sense to her except money on the black market.
"But you gotta let me know. One minute, you're kissin' me in a hospital bed. Then you're pretendin' it never happened. That ain't gonna work for me." She shook her head, a serious expression on her face. "I know you work hard and you love bein' a doctor and lookin' after River, but if you wanna be with me at all — I gotta know that's what you want every once in awhile."
A pause.
"And it don't necessarily gotta be words."
Simon blushed, glancing away. He already knew that he loved her. He already knew that he wanted to be with her, so what was holding him back?
He knew. He already knew. It didn't have anything to do with work and everything to do with River.
If he allowed himself this, if he let himself have this, did that make him a bad brother? If he put energy into a relationship with Kaylee, what time was there to take care of his sister? If he was busy taking care of his sister, then where did that leave Kaylee? He'd given everything up for River — his wealth, his job, his social standing, his comfort, and in many ways his own personal happiness.
So at this point, was it a genuine stumbling block, or was it an excuse to avoid taking a risk?
He had to deal with that. He had to talk to someone about it. But right now, he wasn't sure if he knew how to articulate it.
Instead of articulating anything, he leaned in and he gave Kaylee a soft, light kiss on her mouth.
Kaylee never did anything half-ass. When she was mad, she gave as good as she got. When she was sad, she didn't hide her tears. When she was happy — which was a good deal of the time — she couldn't contain that either. No power in the 'verse could stop Kaylee being Kaylee.
So when Simon kissed her, however, softly, she returned it with as much feeling as she could for so light a kiss. It was a start. She knew he had things to deal with; there was just a point where she had to know. She thought she could wait a lifetime if she just knew he was going to be there.
When she pulled back, she smiled a close-mouthed smile and said, "There. Was that so hard?"
Simon was reluctant to pull back. It took him a moment to open his eyes, like the real world would come rushing in again and he'd feel burdened by a thousand other things that needed his attention. He never felt like he could take anything for himself, he always worried about the long run — but what if he didn't worry about the long run? What if he just worked on the present?
He let out a breath he'd been holding, and he smiled. "No," he said. "It wasn't."