Kate, I'm so sorry. You don't have to apologize for anything, all of this... alternate universe stuff is complicated, and you shouldn't feel bad about how you feel and how you need to deal with it, okay? And I think it's really normal to not know what to do with it. Take your time. We're going to be here for you no matter what.
Operating a homeless shelter sounds like you. Who were you married to? I've heard people were in totally new relationships. I hope that wasn't true for you too.