So you apologize when you say something in the heat of the moment. We're allowed flaws, but we shouldn't let that be a crutch. We can have a flaw and still try to change ourselves, because we know when we succumb to that flaw and we know we shouldn't. If you think someone's antagonizing you, you don't have to be a jerk back. How we react to something is a choice. You're still hiding behind bad behavior instead of trying to grow as a person and become someone who doesn't react the way you always have, even though you know that way isn't healthy. You think everyone's going to write you off, so you jump the gun to prove you're right when you might not be.
I said nothing about you pushing anyone to talk to you, so I don't know where you're going with that.