InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "My man looks good in a dress."

_touchless_ (_touchless_) wrote in tensor,
@ 2011-02-22 12:51:00

Entry tags:

jean_grey-summers, kevin_ford

Jean - Counseling sessoin forward dated to Wednesday
They'd let Kevin burn through his powers until he stopped feeling like he needed to tear his own skin off the first night. Hadn't even risked trying to question him until that was done. And the fact that questioning him would have been an actual risk at the time still made his stomach twist into painful knots. But it would have. His skin had been crawling with need and all he'd seen anywhere was death. Even when he'd flashed a room bare in a heartbeat, burned through more than a week's training allotment of organics in moments, the death sight hadn't faded. It still hadn't.

And then the questioning had come. Hours of it. About who had said what and when. How they'd said it. How Josh had reacted and how he'd reacted to Josh. How he'd felt. What Julian's role in it all had been. How far gone his control had been shot to hell before he'd gotten out of there with Julian along to try and keep everyone safe from him as they'd made their way across campus.

If he'd ever entertained the intent to actually touch Josh.

That one still echoed in his mind. Along with the sharp stab of absolute horror the question had inspired. He'd managed to choke out a negative before his stomach won the battle he'd been fighting against it since Josh's room, and he'd heaved up ashy bile on the floor between his feet.

They'd finally let him sleep then. Or try to.

And then it had started again. Questions followed by tests followed by training exercises followed by meditation followed by more questions. All of it conducted from behind safety glass, because they weren't sure his powers wouldn't flare wildly again. And all they'd tell him about Josh was that he was fine. Whatever fine meant when he'd scared Josh so badly he couldn't draw back his powers, or even look at him.

He needed to focus on his own issues, apparently. On his mental stability and control. Needed to find his calm center...something that had become so much a part of him it had been like breathing. But he'd lost it now, in a welter of emotions and spiraling waves of power he'd never felt before. He might have never had any real control of his power, but he'd always, always had control of himself.

And he'd been trying. He'd been trying so damned hard. Because he knew that they weren't going to let him out of here - let him see Josh, or at least talk to him - until he'd managed to get himself back under some kind of control. Unfortunately, Josh was his calm center. The one thing he'd always been able to rely on, that had made it possible to deal with everything else. Even if he couldn't be with him, he'd always been there and he'd accepted, unquestioning, that he always would be...and now Kevin had no idea if he was anymore and he didn't have anything to replace that certainty with.

He'd finally asked for pen and paper. If he couldn't see him, couldn't even talk to him for the first time in years, he could still write to him. Keeping his powers pulled back to a dark buzz under his skin so he didn't ash the paper just by proximity, he wrote page after page in a slow, careful hand. Poured everything out onto the paper and tried to remember to breathe.

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	tensor_mods 2011-02-23 12:15 am UTC (link)
	A knock on the door proceeded the gentle, "Kevin? It's Doctor Grey-Summers. I'd like to speak with you if that's all right." (Reply to this) (Thread)

_touchless_
2011-02-23 12:19 am UTC (link)

Kevin dropped his pen, organized the sheaf of papers at the small, metal desk in the almost painfully bare room they'd given him. Rubbed the back of his neck and actually, for a brief, almost manic moment, considered telling her no. Just in an irrational effort to exert some control over the situation. It wouldn't do him any good, though. Wouldn't be good, more importantly. He needed whatever help they could give him. Whatever they could do to fix him.

"Yes, ma'am." He didn't bother being loud enough to carry through the metal door, she'd hear him regardless. And he didn't bother getting up. The door only locked from the outside.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-23 12:32 am UTC (link)
	The door opened, and a chair slid across the room to settle across from him. She sat primly, folding her hands in her lap. "Good Afternoon, Kevin. How are you feeling today?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-23 01:12 am UTC (link)
	He did stand when she entered, manners hammered just about bone deep pulling him to his feet despite himself. "Worried about Josh," he answered honestly as he dropped back into his own chair. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-23 02:06 am UTC (link)
	"There's nothing to worry about. Josh is fine." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-23 02:10 am UTC (link)
	"Everyone keeps saying that, but I can't even talk to him!" he burst out, hands clenching tight against his knees in frustration. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-23 02:12 am UTC (link)
	"What would you say if you could?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-23 02:17 am UTC (link)
	He just stared at her for a second, hands still clenched and jaw working. "I'd tell him I'm sorry!" he finally blurted, voice going low and choked as he looked up at her for the first time, then quickly away when all he saw was a death's head with fading red hair. "I'm so sorry. And I'd never hurt him, no matter what. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-23 02:20 am UTC (link)
	Leaning over, she settled a hand over one of his. "Kevin, look at me." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-23 02:22 am UTC (link)
	He was so wound up he actually flinched from the touch, though he kept his gaze downcast even then. "I'm not meaning to be rude, ma'am," he assured her. "But...I'd rather not, please." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-23 02:24 am UTC (link)
	"Kevin. Trust me. Look at me, please." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_touchless_
2011-02-23 02:34 am UTC (link)

His teeth ground audibly and his hands started to shake as he lifted his head. He was so tired of all the death. Besides being profoundly disturbing on its own it was a constant reminder of how badly he'd screwed everything up.

It took him a moment to make himself open his eyes once he'd lifted his head, but when he finally did his breath escaped on a startled sigh. "...oh." He blinked rapidly then raised his hands to scrub at his eyes before looking at her again. "Thank you," he whispered.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-23 02:38 am UTC (link)
	Taking both of his hands in hers, she gave them a reassuring squeeze. "We know you would never hurt someone on purpose. You try very hard to do all you can to ensure the absolute safety of those around you. You do understand why you're here, though, don't you?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-23 02:42 am UTC (link)
	He wasn't exactly comfortable with the contact, but wasn't willing to be rude enough to pull away. He just nodded instead, resolutely meeting her gaze now that he could see her. "I'm not safe. I don't know what happened, but...you can't let me out until you can be sure I'm safe." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-23 02:43 am UTC (link)
	"We're here for you. We're going to get through this together. Don't worry." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-23 02:46 am UTC (link)
	"I just-" He made himself keep meeting her gaze. "If he's fine why can't I at least talk to him? Just...even just a text or something?" He just wanted to explain...and to find out if he was afraid of him. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-23 02:48 am UTC (link)
	"Kevin, how would you define strength?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-23 02:50 am UTC (link)
	He frowned, thinking. "It depends what kind you mean." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-23 02:52 am UTC (link)
	"Please," she said, gesturing before leaning back in her chair. "Explain it to me." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_touchless_
2011-02-23 02:57 am UTC (link)

He was tempted to take her literally at her word. Start off with Santo and beat around the bush and maybe she'd leave the question lie. Except she wouldn't, and he'd just be wasting her time. So instead he went straight for what he figured she had to be getting at.

"I'm not." It was hard to make himself keep looking at her as he admitted it. "I'm not strong enough for this. Not alone."

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	tensor_mods 2011-02-23 03:04 am UTC (link)
	"You've made Josh your center. People are unpredictable, and life can be chaotic. You need to find the strength in yourself, you can't rely on someone else to do it for you. You'll never get any control that way." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_touchless_
2011-02-23 03:31 am UTC (link)

He froze. Not breathing, every muscle suddenly tense. He felt like his heart might have even stopped beating as her words washed over him. Was this her way of telling him that his fears were right, that Josh didn't want him any more?

His eyes went wide and then snapped shut as he started shaking. Maybe it was possible that he could do it without Josh, the problem was that he simply didn't want to.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-23 03:38 am UTC (link)
	"Learn to trust in you. The rest will follow. If you're confident and in control, you won't have to fear your abilities. Because you will have mastered them and so there will be nothing to fear." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-23 05:15 am UTC (link)
	"I haven't!" he managed to grind out, though his eyes were still closed and his hands were still shaking. "Not for years!" He might not be able to control his skin, but he'd always been able to keep the hunger in check. Until Saturday. Until his power had reached for Josh and spiraled to levels he'd never imagined. The memory still made his skin itch. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-23 05:47 am UTC (link)
	"Just because you haven't yet, doesn't mean you won't. Have a little faith in yourself, Kevin. You can do this." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_touchless_
2011-02-23 06:12 am UTC (link)

"Do what?" He shook his head and dropped it into his hands. "I can't touch anyone. I'm never going to touch anyone and-"

He couldn't bring himself to say it was okay, because it wasn't. It was never going to be okay. But he'd learned to live with it. Josh had helped him learn to live with it, even from a continent away.

"I haven't been afraid I'd actually...hurt someone for years. And it was Josh...I nearly hurt Josh," he whispered miserably. He'd rather die than ever let that happen, and he couldn't blame Josh if he didn't want to risk being near him again.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

tensor_mods
2011-02-24 08:27 am UTC (link)

"But you didn't." She gave his hand a squeeze. "The important fact here is that you could have, but you didn't. You fought your instincts, you maintained control and you ensured that you were removed from the situation as quickly as possible. You relied on someone else to assist you, and you trusted in their ability to provide that assistance."

She settled her other hand on his forearm. "Do you know what I see? I see a young man who showed fortitude. Someone who understands their limitations and is bound by a higher moral code to see that they're met. Kevin, it is very difficult to live as you do. It is impossible to ask of anyone to deprive themselves of simple human comfort and the necessary social distance to support it. You have done a remarkable job so far. No one could be prouder of such personal achievement." She gave him another supportive squeeze. "You've come so very far, don't give up now. Take this as a triumph. If you can do this, you can achieve your goal. It's just there, beyond your reach. Don't push too hard, don't struggle or fight yourself. Don't lose hope. Just keep your mind fixed on that final stretch of control. And one day it will be just another aspect of you. And nothing more."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_touchless_
2011-02-24 09:16 am UTC (link)

He wanted to believe she was right. That his trainers all these years had been right. That someday he'd figure out what it took to control his power. Five years of making absolutely no progress at all, though, combined with accidents and setbacks, had worn that hope away to almost nothing.

"I wanted to touch him," he finally answered, head still bowed and voice choked. "It was like...my skin was burning with it, and if I hadn't gotten out of there-" He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. "I nearly took my gloves off. I can't...I can't ever feel that way. I'm not safe if I feel that way."

He was quiet for a moment, taking long, slow, ragged breaths before he could continue. "It's not losing hope to be...realistic. This is how I have to live, hoping it's going to change some day-" Hurt too much, after all these years. "I have to have control. All the time. And I didn't."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

tensor_mods
2011-02-24 09:26 am UTC (link)

"Of course you wanted to touch him, Kevin. You love him. You will always want to touch someone you love." Just how deeply he had loved the young healer though, had been a shock. Teenage romance very rarely went beyond the physical, and when it did it generally fell in one of two directions. Kevin's love for Josh and the blond's love for him was of the type that generally ended in those long happily ever afters. Which was painful to note, when their situation seemed so hopeless.

"It was one slip up. An accident you otherwise never would have been conscious of. Look at this as the gift it is. Now that you know, you can work on it."

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	_touchless_ 2011-02-24 09:31 am UTC (link)
	More than anything. He loved Josh more than anything, though he choked back the words. "What if I ruined everything? What if...what if I scared him too much and ruined everything?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-24 09:32 am UTC (link)
	Jean smiled reassuringly. "I think you know Josh better than that." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-24 09:42 am UTC (link)
	He did. And even though his brain kept spinning in terrified circles his gut insisted that Josh would always be there. "He couldn't even look at me," he whispered anyway. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-24 09:44 am UTC (link)
	"You were both struggling to maintain control. You each did what was necessary to protect each other, Julian, and the rest of the students in your dormitory." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-24 09:51 am UTC (link)
	"I just...I just want to talk to him. Apologize and make sure he's all right." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-24 09:55 am UTC (link)
	"You'll have the chance soon enough. In the mean time, your computer will be returned to you, along with your course work. Skype of course, will be disabled." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-24 09:59 am UTC (link)
	"...of course it will," he mumbled, though he looked up again for the first time in a while. "Will I be allowed to message him?" That was what mattered most. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-24 10:01 am UTC (link)
	"Yes," she replied with a smile. This one... (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-24 10:10 am UTC (link)
	He actually smiled, albeit faintly, for the first time since Saturday. "Thank you ma'am." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-24 10:14 am UTC (link)
	"You're welcome, Kevin." She patted his hand, before standing. "Is there anything else you need? Anything that would help you feel more comfortable?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_touchless_
2011-02-24 10:34 am UTC (link)

He wanted to tell her needed Josh. Needed to see him and hold him - in so far as he could - but he knew that wouldn't get him any farther now than it had any other time so far. And other than that...amazingly enough they'd brought him a welding torch and some scrap metal and set it up in a nearby room.

"...no," he finally answered, shaking his head. "All I need is the computer." And Josh.

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	tensor_mods 2011-02-24 10:37 am UTC (link)
	Jean smiled. Of course he would want Josh. He hadn't stopped mentally screaming for the other boy for as long as he'd been there. "Someone will be bringing it by shortly," she assured him. "If there's nothing else, I will leave you to your thoughts." Which she was sure he could project for miles if uninhibited. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-24 10:40 am UTC (link)
	"Yes ma'am. Thank you ma'am," he answered, belatedly rising to his feet himself. His mother would have lectured him on his manners if she'd been there. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-02-24 10:42 am UTC (link)
	"You're welcome. If there's anything you need, please don't hesitate to ask for it. Have a pleasant day, Kevin." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	_touchless_ 2011-02-24 10:45 am UTC (link)
	"Thank you, ma'am," he repeated, and biting back the irrational urge to ask to see Josh one more time as she slipped out the door. (Reply to this) (Parent)