Emma and Julian
Who: Emma and Julian
When: At the beginning of the DC trip
Where: On the bus
What: Have a very painful conversation


Julian sat next to Emma on the drive to DC, feeling like the biggest jerk in the world. For the last month—longer—it had felt as if his world were crumbling down around him, and even though he’d reached out to Emma, he hadn’t shown her near the love and attention she deserved.

He glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes, studying her distant face. They hadn’t had a serious talk since things had been worked out with Josh and Kevin. He hated to think she saw some kind of correlation.

”I don’t want to be someone you regret letting in,” Julian projected, looking forward again. All their important conversations were held where no one could hear.

Emma had been watching the scenery go by out the window, studiously not thinking of much beyond a routine she'd been working on. Likely her last performance before the summer and cadet training. So she'd been going over and over it in her head until she picked up Julian's mental voice and stopped.

I don't regret letting you in, she assured him, mental tone still a little cool but still herself. You're my best friend. And the rest was nice and safe behind shields she'd spent most of her adolescence fortifying.

”I know. I also know I’m not what we wanted me to be.”

A sore subject for both of them, but they needed to talk about these things or it would split them apart.

Emma sighed audibly, then shifted to lean against the window so she could look at him.

If I got everything I wanted I'd be spoiled. A flippant answer, but true too.

Julian glanced over at her, expression wry. ”Impossible.”

Totally possible, Emma told him. But unlikely, since I certainly don't always get what I want. Neither do you. No one does. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck.

”Does it hurt you? Do I hurt you?” he asked, looking out the window, unable to meet her eyes.

Emma took her time in answering, watching him even as he wouldn't look at her. There were a hundred ways to lie to him but she finally settled on the truth, plain and simple.

Yes. It hurts. But I shouldn't have let it. I should have known better.

”Did I lead you on?”

It was something he worried about constantly. He’d tried to be honest with her, to let her realized that he was damaged, consumed. Josh had literally ruined him for other people when they were all still children. Even when he daydreamed of marrying Emma—and he did—he knew there was a part of him that was never under his control. He loved her desperately. He shared everything of himself with her. He hated that he couldn’t give her what she wanted.

She shook her head. No. I led myself on.

She'd always known that Josh was Julian's focus and had been for years. Anything she had with Julian was secondary and couldn't ever be more. And she'd been more than content with that. But she'd built fantasies on it and now they were gone and she was sure she shouldn't have done it in the first place.

Julian balled up his fist and hit the back of the seat hard, in a sudden burst of frustration. He was so angry with himself for letting this happen to her--to Emma, to someone who was more important to him than breathing--that he couldn't control the surge of self-directed fury. Goddamn it, he should have been able to do something.

Emma frowned. Julian... She stopped and sighed. I'll cope. It's my own fault and I'll cope, okay?

"Right," he said aloud, unable to handle the intimacy of telepathy right now. He looked at her, really looked at her, and nodded. "Right, you'll cope. You always do. I know you do."

She frowned. "Julian... I'm joining the cadets."

"You were asked?"

Emma nodded. "I was. I only just decided."

While he was still waiting for the invitation.

Anyone else? He would have punched first and felt badly later. With Emma, he just nodded. "Congratulations," he said. He loved her enough that watching her get his dream didn't feel quite as much like being stabbed repeatedly in the face. He was pretty sure this must have been how she felt seeing him with Josh.

She nodded, watching him out of the corner of her eye before turning to look at him. "I'm sorry. I had to do something." She stopped and shifted in her seat, pulling both knees up against her chest before continuing telepathically.

I never really made plans for after school, she admitted. I thought I'd go to college. Dance. And then it was all my mother's plans. I want a plan of my own. And that much was the plain, unvarnished truth.

"I know," he said, carefully closing his mind. "I'm glad for you."

That hurt more than anything else had. She winced a little at the loss then quickly composed herself.

"I'm glad for you too, you know," she told him. "And if you get hurt there will be hell to pay." Because no matter what, he was her friend. Her oldest friend.

He wanted to hit something again, because he had hurt her. Instead, he nodded once. "We'll talk later," he said, too filled with conflicting emotions to make any sense of them.

"Okay." She nodded and stared forward for a moment, then looked at him. "Julian? Can I have a hug?" Even if it was just a TK hug, it would be enough.

Julian's expression melted and he turned to pull her against him, burying his face in her hair. He wrapped his arms tight around her, holding on for dear life--like he was never going to let go.

Emma sank against him, slipping her arms around him and holding on just as tightly. As far as she was concerned they could stay just like that for the rest of the ride.

He didn't pull away for a good, long while.