InsaneJournal

Who: Josh, Kevin and Julian
When: Wednesday 4/27
Where: Josh and Mark’s room
What: Try to work it out.



Though Kevin felt he had an awesome roommate, Josh felt his definitely went above and beyond. Mark had helpfully wandered off so that Josh could have some time with Kevin and Julian to talk things out. Which meant Josh was alone in his room, waiting for them to show.

Now that they'd all agreed, and were meeting to discuss where it left them and where they were heading he was getting nervous. He knew them both very well, and while they knew each other, it wasn't as well. And things had more or less been rocky from day one. He knew things could all go to hell pretty quickly. He hoped that wouldn't be the case. It may be the most selfish thing he'd ever done, but he was completely unwilling to be without them. Both of them.

On his desk, his violin rested. It was as much there for courage and support as a last resort. He knew if he picked it up to play they'd both listen. For all his music had abandoned him, it was still the one thing that meant something to all of them. The one way he could say what he meant to say without ruining it. It was the only ace he had.

Josh wrung his hands, doing his best not to pace, and kept his gaze focused on the gleam of his only salvation. Which left his back to the door, and kept his heart in his chest.

Kevin was...terrified, pretty much covered it. He'd nearly turned around half a dozen times, and if he'd still been eating he was pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to today at all. He still turned up at Josh's door at about exactly the appointed time, though, and he only hesitated for a moment before knocking and, for the first time in what felt like forever, waiting for an answer.

Julian liked to fly when he had to think things through. He'd been up well before dawn that morning, slipping out and going for a long flight to help him order his thoughts and emotions. He...wasn't dreading the meeting, but he never liked the feeling of being exposed, especially around someone he didn't want to share himself with.

Kevin had been a friend, at one point. He was fairly sure they weren't friends now, but he was also sure Kevin had not earned the access to him that Josh or Emma had. It would be difficult, at best, to remain open to him.

Julian didn't want to be vulnerable to someone he didn't trust.

Josh was worth it.

He wasn't sure he could do this.

Christ, he was flying in circles and this was not helping.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, Julian flew toward the school, toward Josh's familiar window, and unlatched it with a thread of tk. The window opened as he neared and he climbed inside, bringing with him the scent of spring and a flare of green power, surging around him like a protective armor before he forced himself to let it dissipate.

"Hey," he murmured.

At the knock at the door, Josh turned slightly. It felt so odd to have to invite either of them in. It felt wrong to have that barrier between them. "Come in," he called, the words sticking to his throat a bit. He swallowed and moved to face the door. Just as his window opened.

The effect was striking. And just as oddly, somewhat relieving. His smile was small but hopeful. "Hey," he replied, looking to Julian. Then back to Kevin. "Thanks for coming."

Kevin pushed the door open at Josh's voice, stomach going tight...then tighter still as he saw Julian at the window. The sharp shock of anger and fear and betrayal he felt at sight of the other boy took him by surprise and he turned his attention back to Josh. He forced a faint smile as he closed the door behind him, then shoved his hands into his pockets to hide their shaking. He didn't answer, he didn't know what to say.

"How should we do this?" Julian asked simply, moving to sit on Josh's bed. He glanced at Kevin before looking back at Josh, trying to read body language, expressions, the tension in the air. "Should we start with the broad points before moving to specifics or should we try to get bad blood out of the way first?"

Josh held his arm out to Kevin, palm up and open. Before they could do anything, they would all need to willingly step into the conversation.

Kevin felt a faint wash of relief at Josh's extended hand. That he hesitated for a moment before taking it was due to the need to make sure his own hand wasn't shaking any more when he did, rather than any actual hesitancy at the contact.

"We'll do it however you want to," he answered, very obviously directed to Josh and not Julian. He was surprised at how steady his voice came out.

Julian was relieved to realize he didn't feel more than a moment's jealousy at the sight of them holding hands. He'd been afraid that would change, now that his love was Josh wasn't hopeless and unrequited. He'd certainly been jealous of Kevin's hold on Josh in the past. But now-- Josh loved him. He wanted to be with him.

Julian offered Josh a soft, encouraging smile, tension seeping from his body as he waited. It was best for Josh to lead the charge, here.

Josh squeezed Kevin's hand in a show of support, before heaving a deep breath and turning a nervous smile on Julian. Leading was not something he did comfortably. Josh was far happier dedicating himself to the fullfilment of others' desires. However, he understood the necessity of it in this situation. And when he thought about it, it was only fair that they were all equally uncomfortable.

If they could share him he could take charge.

Gently, he lead Kevin over to the bed, urging him to sit before sitting himself. Seated between them, he strengthened his grip against Kevin's, then reached out to thread his fingers through Julian's. He took a moment - and another, calming deep breath - before mustering up the courage to begin.

"First, I want to just say...Thank you. I know this isn't easy and I'm selfishly asking a lot of you. I want you to know...I do understand what I'm asking. That it's a lot of sacrifice and figuring things out, and overcoming feelings and impulses and..." His hands tightened around theirs. "And it's not going to be anything like perfect. Especially at the start. But, I love you. Both of you. And I promise, I'm going to do my best to make you feel...the way you make me feel. Comfortable. Safe. Valued. Treasured. Loved. Home."

He would have rather stood, and he would have rather kept his distance, but he'd promised he'd do what Josh wanted here and now, so he sat. Stiffly. And as far away from Keller as Josh would let him. Which wasn't very. He squeezed back when Josh tightened his grip...and harder still when he took Keller's hand as well. It wasn't like he hadn't seen them touch before - much more, and more intimately, than that - but it hadn't meant the same then.

He looked down at their joined hands as Josh spoke, forced his grip to loosen and brushed his gloved thumb over Josh's bare skin. Tried not to think about Josh holding Keller's bare hand in his other. Tried to feel something other than cold and lost. He still didn't know what the hell to say when Josh finished, so he just waited.

"Thank you," Julian said, watching Josh's face. He'd touched Josh a thousand times--a million times--but it felt different now. There was a whisper of promise there, an awareness that went bone-deep and curled low in his belly. Lined up as they were on the bed, Josh blocked his view of Kevin, which seemed...symbolic, somehow.

Josh smoothed his thumbs over the backs of their hands, and while one was gloved and the other wasn't, for once there was no difference in the sensation.

"I want to be clear..." He had to get through this. "This...What we're starting, is going to be as equal now as it was before. You've already shared me for years. It was just...a different way. You'll both still have the same rights to my heart, my mind, and my time. With the addition of equal rights to my body." He looked from one to the other. "Okay, so far?"

Kevin didn't look up. He couldn't. He managed to keep his expression smooth, though, and his body still. The one thing Josh felt he was adding to the arrangement was the one thing he never would have minded, and Josh had already handed over everything else he'd thought was his alone years ago, he'd just been the only one of the three of them not to know it. One more thing, after all these years, and it was what Josh needed. He nodded silently in acknowledgment. That was all he'd agreed to be here for anyway, to accept whatever terms Josh dictated.

"Okay so far," Julian said. "How public are we planning to be?"

"Kevin?" he asked, shifting slightly and tilting his head to try and catch his eyes. "You have to say 'yes', love." He knew better than to just let miscommunication lie by now.

He closed his eyes for a moment, refused to let his jaw clench, then lifted his head just enough to meet Josh's eyes as he opened his own again. "I told you already," he answered, voice quiet and completely even. "Whatever you want." He honestly didn't understand why they even had to do this. He'd told Josh he'd agree to anything he needed, no arguments and no questions asked, why he had to sit here with Keller and have his nose rubbed in all of it eluded him.

Julian frowned and slid his hand out of Josh's at that. He knew Kevin wouldn't be happy about this, but something about those words hit him hard. He didn't want to hurt Kevin. He hadn't wanted to upset the happiness Kevin and Josh had together. He would have kept on the way they were--him desperately in love with Josh; Josh utterly unaware--for as long as he had the strength to continue. He would have done what he thought at the time was the right thing.

It was a uniquely uncomfortable, painful experience, knowing he was now the bad guy when he'd never once done anything but try to be good.

Josh didn't like it, but for the moment he could accept Julian's drawing away. "No," he replied, focussing his attention on Kevin. "It's not just about what I want. We've talked about this a few times now. It's about the three of us and the fact that you love me, I love you, I love him, and he loves me. And that's not just going to go away.

"Kevin, I-..." He took Julian's hand again. "We need to know what you are and aren't comfortable with. We need to know what Julian is and isn't comfortable with. So we can work things out. In a way that's fair, in a way that, if not exactly comfortable is at least something we can agree on and live with. We have to be honest and open about this or else it's just going to get worse."

He shifted slightly, uncomfortably, and glanced involuntarily past Josh for just a moment to Keller beyond him, chest and stomach both going tighter before he refocused resolutely on Josh.

"Fine," he finally answered, then did his damnedest to lie to Josh for the first time ever, and do it with an absolutely straight face and steady voice. "Yes, to everything you said." Because there was nothing about this that he was even remotely comfortable with, and nothing he could imagine that would ever change that, but he'd pretend as fucking hard as he could because Josh didn't just need it, he needed him to be okay with it.

Josh tilted his head, observing Kevin with a slight squint. If he'd learnt anything about them both it was that they would do next to anything - including lying to him for years and pushing an open sexual relationship - if it meant his happiness. Which...was rather annoying, actually.

"Okay then. Before we go anywhere further with this..." He got up and turned to face them. "Will you both consent to kiss me in front of each other?" There were words, there were notes, there were the folds of metal, and then there was the immediate physical response of being confronted with something you were struggling to accept.

Julian may be used to hiding it. Kevin might feel Julian had an advantage because there didn't need to be anything between them. They'd have those regardless. Josh was more interested in what their bodies would be saying.

He held Josh's gaze as steadily as he could. He didn't think Josh was going to require him to be happy about any of this, so he didn't try to force a smile. He let Josh go when he stood and collected himself in anticipation of the next blow to fall...and could only stare when it did.

"Why?" Julian asked slowly. He glanced once at Kevin, certain the other boy had to be as surprised as he was. Even knowing Josh, he hadn't expected that. Why would Josh want them to do this? He had to know--

Oh.

"Oh. I see." He didn't like the idea, he hated revealing so much of himself to Kevin, but he understood why Josh wanted him to do it. "All right."

Taking Julian by the hand, he tugged gently. It would be easier if Julian went first if only to show Kevin that it was not just Julian's skin Josh needed. And to reassure him that skin or no, Josh felt every bit as passionate about being with him.

"No," he answered, even as Josh moved for Julian, his voice unsteady for the first time. He'd agreed to share him, and he thought he could do anything Josh needed him to, but this- He shook his head, just slightly. He wasn't willing to watch Julian have what he'd sell his fucking soul for, or be put on display like a freak in direct contrast.

"It may be better, here," Julian said. "It would be better. Seeing someone you love with someone else, kissing, is--" He wasn't looking at Kevin, but he didn't want to look at Josh, either. He knew Josh felt guilty over hurting Julian for so long--as if it were somehow his fault. But then, Josh so easily took the blame on himself, shouldered the responsibility, when he had done nothing wrong.

He swallowed the fractured words, then finished simply, in part wanting to reassure Josh, "It is difficult, but it gets easier each time. And I would agree it would be better, in private, where the rest of the school doesn't factor into the response."

Julian was sure there was more to Josh's reason for wanting to do this, but it would defeat the purpose to say the words aloud.

Kevin looked directly at Julian for the first time. "It's something you've never had to see and never will," he pointed out, low and not quite steady, before looking back to Josh again. It wasn't like kissing was something they could just do because they felt like it. Not like it was something they'd ever done in public or ever would.

"No," he repeated, forcing his voice back to steadiness, almost gentleness, and expression showing none of his hurt, confusion or betrayal. "I'm sorry, but no."

"I've seen worse," he said, voice gone tight and low. He'd walked in on way, way worse, more times than he wanted to remember, and he never wanted to punch Kevin Ford so much in his life. The surge of fury he felt glinted green around his clenched fist, but Julian forced it away, forced himself to relax.

Josh walked away. Picking up his violin, he tossed it on the bed then walked back over and held the bow out to Kevin.

Kevin turned back to Julian, fists curling tight against the itch under his skin as he glared back at him. He didn't give a fuck what Julian had or hadn't seen, and the implication that it had been something constantly shoved down his throat when, as far as Kevin was concerned, what they'd done had been infrequent at best, cautious and almost furtive and desperate, infuriated him. Even moreso that the way Julian said it made it sound dirty to him.

He bit back the fuck you he wanted to aim at Julian and turned, startled, as Josh's electric hit the bed. He was even more surprised at the bow Josh was extending towards him. And maybe even more sick. "No." He shook his head and stood, slowly. "I agreed to share you with him, Josh. I agreed to come here and work out how we'd do that and I will." And god, he was still managing to keep his voice steady, gentle even, though he wasn't sure how. "I didn't agree to share me with him and I doubt he wants that any more than I do."

Julian bit the inside of his mouth, agreeing violently, not able to trust himself enough o speak. He didn’t want to watch Kevin play, if that was what Josh was suggesting. The idea made his stomach twist uncomfortably. He wasn’t ready to see Kevin in that light—not now, not when his own gut kept yelling that he was stealing Kevin’s boyfriend.

Taking a deep breath, Julian grabbed hold of his temper and shame and forced them to heel.

Josh looked from one to the other, before sighing. Taking the violin, he crossed the room, opened his closet and tossed it in. There was a twang and a pop that he ignored as he leaned back against the closet door. "You tell me then. What are you willing to share? Because this..." He dropped a hand over his chest. "This person you're both in love with is you, is each other. That's never going to change. If you can't face that, then this..." He gestured, encompassing the three of them. "Is never going to work."

Kevin stood as Josh tossed the violin into the closet like so much trash, and kept standing as he spoke, his previously almost blank expression replaced by surprise and concern that let the pain beneath bleed slowly through.

"What the hell, Josh?" He was willing to turn himself inside out, given up everything he'd ever wanted or hoped for, because it was what Josh needed to be happy, but that apparently wasn't enough. He really had thought he could do anything Josh asked of him, he just had never dreamed it would be this much. "Agreeing to it all, to anything you need, isn't enough? Knowing you'll be with him-" He broke off and looked down at the floor, jaw and fists both clenched tight. "You want me to watch you make out with him? You want me to put myself on display like a god damned freak, bare skin and my fucking soul for him? How the hell is that necessary? How the hell is just agreeing to it not enough?" he asked, almost pleading. His voice was nowhere near steady any more and his eyes were damp, though no tears were escaping, when he looked up at Josh again. "Am I going to have to watch him fuck you too? What do I have to do to make this work for you?"

And God, suddenly his heart was breaking for Kevin again. Julian closed his eyes, still as a statue as his world tilted on its axis. He seemed to keep going back and forth, sliding between selfish need and raw empathy. His emotions were so shredded that it was a wonder he was letting himself feel them at all.

No. No, he’d promised himself, for Josh, he wouldn’t let himself pull away. But this—

“We won’t,” Julian said impulsively, feeling oddly desperate to reassure Kevin. “You don’t have to. I’m, I’m private, anyway. I’ll make sure you don’t see anything that hurts you like that.”

He didn't have the words. He didn't have the notes. And as the feeling hollowed out his chest he suddenly wished he knew where Mark had gone. He couldn't do this. Couldn't be the one with the schedule, making sure everyone kept to it. He couldn't seem to reassure them both, comfort them both, make this work for both. It felt like it was one or the other and he was right back where he started.

He wanted to go in after the damn violin, grab it by the neck and swing and swing until it was as much nothing as the rest of him. Pieces that didn't fit together anymore; that maybe never would again. Not enough to ever sing, to be heard.

What made it worse was he couldn't go to either for comfort. They were his best friends, knew his darkest secrets and deepest dreams. They knew all his fears, and memories, and discomforts and joys. They were both everything. And for the moment, they were both inaccessible. To go to one would hurt the other. To get what he needed to keep doing this would only corrode one relationship further. Could he even live this see-saw anymore? How did he ever think to start, that it'd work? It wasn't like any of them were being honest. Most importantly, to themselves.

He felt trapped. He felt cornered. He felt completely alone.

So perhaps it wasn't all that out of the ordinary that with no other option to vent his feelings, he instead burst into tears.

Kevin turned to Julian, surprise as naked on his face as pain. He hadn't expected any concessions from the other boy, hadn't really expected anything other than triumph. This second attempt at reassurance...hurt almost as much as everything else, honestly. It would have been so much easier if he could hate Julian, he didn't know how to cope with him being fucking decent about this whole mess.

And then Josh was crying, great, heaving sobs like his world was falling apart and he didn't have anywhere to turn, and Julian didn't matter any more. Kevin started for him, because he couldn't hear that and not need to comfort Josh, no matter how much he was already hurting himself. Especially not when he was the cause. And then everything else came crashing down, and Kevin didn't have a fucking clue what to do. He didn't know if he was allowed or even wanted, and he stopped, just short of pulling Josh into his arms, completely lost.

The tears, ironically, helped. They gave Julian something to focus on—a goal, a mission--and they put him back on familiar ground. Not that Josh sobbed so brokenly often, but Julian had been a gentle but firm shoulder for Josh to cry on since they were boys. He knew how to handle that, where he didn’t know how to handle anything else about this whole mess.

He stepped to Josh, giving Kevin just the slightest tk nudge, as if to say, Of course he wants you.

“Oh, now,” Julian said gently, lightly gripping the back of Josh’s neck. His thumb brushed soothingly up his vertebrae even as he gave the other boy a gentle shake, dark eyes going soft and warm, defenses stripping away. “It’s okay. You’re not losing anything. No one is going anywhere. We’ve got you. We're here.”

Josh's head tilted back into the familiar touch, inhaling a deep, shaky breath as Julian's thumb smoothed knowingly against him. The shake helped detour the sobbing, and he sniffed, tears still pouring down and chest quaking but silent for the moment. Blue eyes focused on Julian's, drawing in the comfort as if starved. And then he was against him, face buried against his neck, hands clutching his shirt against his back. The crying continued, but it was quiet, calmer, less overwhelmed and more a simple release.

Gentle as it was, Kevin leaned back against Julian's TK and turned his face tight against his shoulder for an irrationally panicked moment. He'd stopped so close that he was terrified of stumbling forward into Josh. And then Julian was there, and Josh was in his arms, and Kevin might as well not have existed for all the notice Josh had taken of him. Whatever Julian might have said, they didn't have him, Julian did, and as far as he could see that was all Josh needed. All he wanted.

Kevin backed away, shaking and just about ready to bolt.

“Drama queen,” Julian murmured with incredible fondness, stroking the back of Josh’s neck as he cried. A warm, solid tk hand slid through Josh’s hair, down his back, across his shoulders—all at once, enveloping him, cocooning him in a soothing embrace before releasing. “See? We’re both here. Everything is fine.”

Josh relaxed into the full body embrace, feeling everything slow. With a sniff, he lifted his head, chin against Julian's shoulder as he looked to see if that was true. It wasn't that he thought Julian would lie to him - even if he had learned better, it was still not in him to doubt - but he didn't think Kevin would agree to even that.

Naturally, when his eyes fell on the brunet, he looked primed to bolt.

Josh's grip on Julian eased, and he freed a hand to hold an arm out to Kevin.

Kevin wished he'd already gotten the hell out. That he hadn't stood there watching, chest clenching and stomach twisting 'til he thought he might actually manage to throw up despite not having eaten anything in weeks. That he wasn't still standing there staring when Josh finally looked for him, an afterthought he'd probably only remembered because Julian, for some reason Kevin couldn't even begin to imagine, kept saying 'we'.

But he was still there, shaking and miserable and rooted to the spot. And apparently desperate enough that he'd take being a distant afterthought if that was all Josh had for him, because he reached out just enough to brush gloved fingers against Josh's extended hand, even as he finally looked away.

Julian squeezed the nape of Josh’s neck, turning his head to catch sight of Kevin.

He moved quietly, subtly, stepping behind Josh to give him plenty of space. Julian slipped a tk hand down the curve of his spine to rest at the small of his back, keeping the connection between them strong even as he put distance between their bodies. Not for the first time, he desperate wished for Emma’s powers.

It was odd. Josh was so accustomed to Julian holding him for longer that the moment he stepped aside, the hand still caught against him gripped tightly. But Julian didn't go far, and the warm weight of his power pressed reassuringly against Josh's back. He released his hold, and stepped into Kevin's personal space. Head tilting, he tried to catch Kevin's eyes, but gave in and just clung to him instead - careful to keep his face turned safely away.

Kevin had turned his own face into his upraised hood, eyes squeezed tight against tears he couldn't keep back any more. He'd never thought holding Josh would hurt, but it did as he wrapped his arms around him, still shaking even as he held on as tightly as he could.

Josh's embrace tightened as well, and he smoothed a hand over Kevin's back, rubbing soothingly.

It wasn't lost on him that Josh was the one doing the comforting, or trying to, not him. That he was the one who'd fucked everything up and apparently Julian was the one who made it better. That no matter what it had looked like to start, or how Josh had presented it, what it looked like from where he was currently standing was Julian sharing Josh with him.

It took him a couple of minutes to choke back the tears and find his voice. Make himself loose his still shaking grip on Josh, though he didn't manage to shift away. "I'm trying," he whispered, voice hoarse and ragged and still partially lost in the folds of his over-sized hood. "I swear to god I am."

Josh didn't let him go. "It's going to be hard," he murmured. "I'm sorry if I'm pushing too far too fast. But we need to talk about these things. We need to set limits so no one gets hurt. Just telling me 'whatever I want' won't cut it, Kevin. There are three of us in this. Even if we can't be happy or comfortable right away, if we keep one another informed, if we're honest, those feelings won't last forever."

He drew away only enough so he could face him. "There was a time you encouraged me to find another partner. I never wanted to talk about it, because it wasn't something I wanted to accept." He lay a palm to Kevin's chest, over his heart. "I know that by not talking about it then, I've made everything harder now. We had different definitions of who that person would be to me, and we fell into this not knowing where each other stood. You wanted me to have someone to touch. Someone to touch me. I already had that. But, the kind of touch you had in mind, was...clinical, unattached. Passionate, maybe, but never connected. I couldn't be that. I couldn't accept that. Because so much of my life is touch, it wouldn't mean anything; it would be just another momentary connection to serve a purpose. To get what I needed, it had to be more." They'd discussed it, hell, argued it more than enough times by now. But Julian had never been present for it. And given their estrangement, he had never heard the full story. Josh figured a recap was in order. For all their sakes.

"I can't just have sex with strangers to fulfill a desire. If I'm going to be with someone..." He looked over at Julian. "It's going to be because there's more to it than just a physical attraction. If I'm going to share that part of myself, then there has to be love involved. I have to feel it, Kevin," he said, looking back to him. "Way down in the deepest parts of myself. That's the only way it can achieve what you hope for me."

He leaned in closer, though kept the space between them separate just enough to remain safe. "Do you remember our fight after the lake? When you first confronted me about Julian? You told me then you wanted to kill him for touching me. For having his hands on my skin, his mouth against me. I don't think that will just go away, even if you try and say to yourself that it's for me." He tilted his head, closing the distance between them a little more - a bit recklessly. "But you also said you wanted to tell him to kiss me. To take me. To give me what I need, and to tell you what it was like." His hands smoothed over Kevin's chest. "I don't think that's really changed much either. And I think it's bothering you that now it's here, and you don't know how to feel about it, or what to do. So you tell yourself it's for me to make it be okay." His hands paused low against Kevin's belly. "It's okay to be angry, Kevin. Just please, be angry for the right reasons."

Kevin didn't want to hear this again, especially not in front of Julian. Something that had always been private between them, and painful in a way he'd spent years learning to live with.

It was as if Josh thought if he just said the words often enough something would magically change. That it would stop mattering, stop hurting, that he wanted Julian. That he wanted him badly enough to throw away everything they had, all the plans they'd made and the future they'd dreamed of. It didn't seem to matter how many times Kevin agreed, how many times he insisted he understood and that he'd do whatever Josh needed him to do. Josh wanted something more, and he was going to keep pushing and pushing and pushing until he got it. What made it worse was that Kevin knew Josh wasn't doing it just to rub his nose in it. He wasn't trying to be cruel, even if that was the end result. He didn't seem to understand that there was nothing he could do, no limit he could set, to keep Kevin from getting hurt, because everything about it was killing him by degrees. Didn't seem to have a clue that explaining over and over and over how much he loved Julian, how much he needed his touch, that he was too special and precious to ever give up, was ripping his heart out every time. Or if he did understand he had some irrational hope that repetition would somehow dull the pain.

He didn't want to hear it, but Josh apparently needed to say it again, with Julian as an audience. So Kevin stood there, shaking still, shoulders going tight and expression going tight and blank as he tried to bottle up the pain. Again.

And then Josh stopped repeating himself, painful as it had already been, and Kevin's expression went from blank to shattered. He'd refused to bare his soul for Julian, so apparently Josh had decided to do it for him, to share things he'd never meant for anyone but Josh to know. He could feel Josh moving closer, feel his breath on his face and his hands on his chest, but he couldn't see him for the tears, pain and humiliation boiling up and overflowing until he had to close his eyes against it and turn his face away. One hand shifted automatically up to Josh's chest to keep him from closing any more of the distance between them. To keep him safe, always, even through the pain.

"Everything's different now, Josh." He finally answered the only thing in all of Josh's monologue that he could find the words for just then. His voice was choked and broken and the muscles of his stomach were quivering beneath Josh's hands. He'd lost everything, given up everything since then. "Everything's changed. I didn't think he could take you away then. I didn't know he already had," he added in a whisper, shaking fingers curling tight in the front of Josh's shirt as he made himself open his eyes and look at him.

Julian controlled his expression, watching the two of them with mounting frustration. He wanted so badly to step between them and…and translate what they were saying, what he thought they really meant to say. It was as if this room had become the Tower of Babel. It was as if Josh and Kevin were speaking two different languages.

It doesn’t have to be like this, he wanted to shout. It doesn’t have to hurt so bad.

He kept the firm tk pressure against Josh’s back, letting him know Julian was still there, still present, still engaged. Right now, the last thing Josh needed was to be abandoned. And, he thought, the last thing Kevin needed was to be cornered.

And yet it seemed like each of them was bound and determined to hit those nuclear buttons on the way down. But if Julian stepped in and tried to sort out the tangle of emotions and miscommunications for them all…Armageddon.

So he stayed where he was and kept his mouth closed.

Josh tucked his hand inside his sleeve, catching the material between his fingers and reaching up to gently smooth Kevin's tears away. "Kevin, Julian hasn't taken me away," he whispered, after he'd tended to both cheeks. "He was always there." He looked over to Julian again. "Even when he probably didn't want to be." It was another moment or two before he could look away, turning back to Kevin. "Things are different now, yes. But they haven't changed, love. At least, not for me. Which, I guess, is why I'm having so much trouble seeing it. You knew Julian was my best friend, but once the camera was off, you couldn't see into my life anymore. It was just...such a part of me, of my everyday that it didn't occur to me to mention. I guess that's my fault. Things that are simple truths for me are different for you." He tilted his head, trying to catch Kevin's eyes again. "I'm sorry if you're overwhelmed. If you feel like I was never honest with you. But, I was. I just...There are things that just happen, that you don't even realize happen. Because its so normal. I could have prepared you, let you know how close we were. It just didn't occur to me that I would need to. We've always been the way we are. Just as I'd always do anything I could to be as close to you as I could manage from across the country for so long. That was also normal to me. You and Julian, you are my every day." He sighed. "And if I have to schedule that again to keep you both from hurting..." He looked down. He hadn't wanted to make a formal schedule. Hadn't wanted to have to be bound to it. To see them at regular intervals, to be unable to detour when he felt the need to be near one. To tell them about an event, or share his excitement or joy, to comfort one when he was needed. He had hoped that by perhaps getting them to share a little of themselves he could get them to understand. But if routine was the only way...then routine it would be. "Then I will," he finished, a less strangled whisper than he'd been expecting.

Kevin listened. Quiet. Heart breaking yet again. As far as he could see it was just one more way of saying the same thing again: that Julian had always been what Kevin never could be. When Josh finally stopped speaking, Kevin tightened his grip in the front of his shirt and tugged him close, turning his head carefully away to keep his face safely out of range. He just held Josh that way for a long moment, silent and still, before he could finally make himself say the words.

"If he hasn't taken you away it's because he didn't need to," he whispered, quiet and steady. "It's because you've always been his, Josh. He's your every day. The person you spend your time with, and take your problems to, and share your life with. Afternoons and evenings and weekends and trips and movie marathons and the shoulder you cry on, the shoulder you want to cry on. I'm...I'm the odd text message between classes, and an hour or two at the end of the day when...when he's already taken care of everything important, and you should probably be doing something else." He was pretty damned proud of the fact his voice wasn't breaking.
"That's your every day, Josh. It has been for years." And that was what Kevin was pretty damned sure Josh wanted back, whether he'd admit it even to himself or not. Kevin wished like hell he'd never been transferred back.

"No," Julian broke in, unable to let that stand. He just...couldn't. "If I could be everything to him, don't you think I would have done it by now? You know me. I would have fought until I couldn't anymore if I thought I could fill up all the dark corners in him. I hated that he gave so much to our friendship except for the one thing I couldn't ask him for. I'm not saying anything against you, Josh," he added, focused intently on Josh's face. "You didn't realize what I'd been wanting because I didn't want you to know. But it isn't fair to say I was everything to him, Kevin, when he rewrote his life to be with you. He worked so hard, fought so hard, to carve out that time with you and I hated it, sometimes, I was so jealous I didn't know how to handle it, but I saw the way you made him feel. A way I couldn't. Can't. I don't make him feel that way. I give him a shoulder and trips and movie marathons and a taskmaster when he needs it, sure. He loves me. He's in love with you. God, ask anyone and they'll tell you."

He gestured in frustration toward the door, nearly vibrating with tension.

"I get that you're hurt and pissed as hell and feeling cornered, and I don't want to add to that. But, Jesus fuck, you're practically his soulmate. He needs you."

Kevin froze, tense and miserable and so damned tired as Julian answered. He didn't want to talk to Julian. Not about this. Not about any of it. He didn't want Julian, of all people, trying to justify and rationalize and explain. He squeezed Josh tighter for a moment, brushed gloved fingers across the nape of his neck, then let go and turned away, because much as he didn't want to talk about this with Julian it was apparently one more thing he didn't get a choice about. It didn't help that he wanted to believe what Julian was saying more than he wanted his next damned breath.

"What does he need me for, Julian?" he asked. Quiet, painfully steady, heart-breakingly serious. Josh had already completely humiliated him in front of Julian, he didn't really have any pride left to protect. "You were here and I was gone, for years, and Josh was fine. He was happy. I've been here for months now and you haven't, not really, and...he's fallen the hell apart so bad he's barely been functional. Happy hasn't even been on the damn table. And the only thing that made a difference? That made it better? Was the prospect of...of getting this. With you. All I do is, Jesus, I just make it worse. Everything I do, everything I say. I just. I fuck everything up more. I can't even get it right when I'm giving the hell up." He'd apparently proven that in spades today, because obviously not a damned thing he'd said or done had been right. Had been enough. He stopped, closed his eyes and swallowed hard before continuing. Still quiet. Still steady. .

"He didn't even remember I was here until you reminded him, Julian. Because he didn't need me when he had you. Of course he's fucking in love with you, why the hell would he put us through this if he wasn't? Just-" He turned back to look at Josh again, and for the first time he looked just as exhausted and miserable and confused and hopelessly in love as he felt. "Tell me what you need me to do, Josh, because I don't have a god damned clue."

“Happy?” Julian gasped the word as if he’d been punched in the throat, shoulders hunching in sharply. “You thought he was happy?”

He couldn’t comprehend it. Couldn’t even begin to imagine, even as he tried to force himself to see Josh from Kevin’s eyes. Julian had watched as Josh let everything slip away to be with Kevin for the scant time they had, had watched him live for those moments of time. He’d done everything he could to ground Josh in the world, to make the time between calls to Kevin matter, to be his bedrock so he didn’t drift off forever into a world of wires and circuits and wistful longing. He’d tried so hard to be to Josh what Josh was to him, and sometimes, he thought, he may have come close.

But he wasn’t Kevin, he couldn’t give Josh what Kevin could, and it felt like a dismissal of everything he had gone through to hear Kevin say those words so casually.

Happy. As both of their worlds hadn’t revolved around Kevin for years—Josh out of love and Julian tugged along in his wake.

Julian turned his face away, shoulders hunched, fighting to control and dangerous surge of emotion spilling through his body.

"I want you to stop. Both of you, just stop."

He gripped Kevin's elbow as he passed him, going to Julian, because he was the only one still turned away. "Hey," he said softly, reaching for his face. "It's okay..." He wrapped his arms around him and lay his head to his chest, holding him tightly and shifting so he could look at Kevin. "You're right," he told him. "I haven't been happy. I've been miserable and terrified and hollowed out. I've been wrung so tightly I thought I would snap-did snap." He drew away, so as not to embarrass Julian any further. They were all three of them very private people. They were all three of them stubborn. That was going to be their biggest hurdle. Learning to share themselves with each other. More so than sharing him. Much, much more. "But I wasn't the only one."

He took a step in Kevin's direction, trying even now to keep them both from feeling like the other was more important. "We've all been suffering. And I want to put an end to that." He held his hand out to Kevin, looping his arm in one of Julian's. "I love you both. I need you both." He looked from one to the other. "I need you both," he repeated.

"This isn't a contest; it never has been. This isn't about who makes me happier, who loves me more, who I love more. I wouldn't have upended my entire life if this wasn't important. If you both weren't important. You know me. You know that. I know you do." He shook his head. "I would never, ever hurt you if I could help it. I can't-" He bit his lower lip as his voice cracked. "It hurts so much...knowing that what's hurting you is me. That everything I try just makes it worse. If there was anything I could do to make it go away, I would. But, I can't. I just--" He flexed his hands. Now wasn't the time to get into his own faults, his limitations. "I want you both to be happy. I want to be happy. I want us to be happy. And I know that can't happen right away, but...can't we just try?"

Kevin wasn't even looking anymore by the time Josh turned back to him. He couldn't. When Josh passed him by with just a quick touch to fold himself into Julian's arms again he turned away, head down, shoulders tight, chest aching like it was on fire. Tried to listen to Josh past the pain and the pounding in his ears. Bit back something that might have been a manic laugh or possibly a sob if it had gotten out at the idea that Josh wanted them, wanted him, to be happy. That there was any chance that this would ever not hurt like hell.

"I'm trying, Josh," he answered, quiet and nothing even close to steady anymore. Still turned away, because he just...couldn't watch it anymore. "I wouldn't be here if I wasn't trying. And...I know you love me, and you...you love him." Fuck knew he'd been told that over and over and over again. "But you won't tell me what you want me to do. Just tell me how the hell we're supposed to make this work and I'll do it."

Julian dipped his head, wanting only Josh to hear his whispered, “I’m sorry. I trust you. You have the lead.”

It was all he knew to give right now. He and Josh clearly needed to work through the past; Kevin and Josh needed to do the same. Right now, he needed to control himself and not make waves, no matter what was said.

Kevin wasn't even looking at him. Josh closed his eyes and pressed his face into Julian's shoulder, nodding at his words. He felt unsteady, off kilter, and nothing was going to make that right. Not until his world started turning again. It had stalled out months ago.

Julian was so still he was able to calm his own shaking. Pulling away - though it was still hesitant, so accustomed was he to being protected and consoled - he moved to sit across from them, pulling out Mark's desk chair. "I want you both to hear me out and think it through before you answer. There's something...monumentally screwed up in our communication. In our perceptions of things. In our memories. And it's making this even more difficult than it already is. I'm not going to ask you to share with me or each other, but if I ask for a telepathic intervention, will you allow someone in your heads to transfer my point of view?"

Oh god, the thought of that, of having Josh's love for Julian shoved directly into his head, as if that would somehow make this whole clusterfuck more bearable, made him feel almost physically ill again. "Why can't we just do what we came here for?" he answered, so quiet it was barely audible. "Just...tell me when and how and...and just get it over with?"

Julian was willing to entertain the idea, but he'd need to talk to Emma first. She was the only one he trusted to do it, and he wanted to make sure she would be okay doing so. "Should we start with a schedule until it becomes more organic?"

Josh was pretty sure Julian would ask Emma. He wasn't exactly comfortable with Emma knowing so much about him but if it made Julian more comfortable - and Emma actually agreed - he'd let her do it. Kevin however, would probably never say yes. He was running out of options.

Sighing, Josh dragged a hand through his hair. "You've got two options. Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday and Monday, Wednesday and Friday intervals. Or every other day." He pointed at Julian, then Kevin, and back again twice.

Kevin didn't look up still, just swallowed against the sick twist in his stomach and shrugged. "Whatever you want, Josh." That was what this was all about, after all. Getting Josh what he wanted.

"Maybe Monday, Wednesday and Saturday / Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday?" Julian offered. He wondered if Josh felt like the child of a divorce. "To start with, until it becomes more natural. That way, you can spend a day on the weekend with each of us and have a day to say to hell with both of you."

Josh shook his head. "Saturday's not an option." He didn't want a fight over Saturdays. Friday nights were time enough for dates and staying up late because there were no classes the next day. Sunday was a nice full day with turning in early because of classes the next day. It was the closest balance he could find that would keep neither from feeling neglected or upset over whomever did or did not have Saturdays.

"Sunday." His voice was no louder than before. "If we're supposed to be picking, anyway, or expressing an opinion or...whatever." Friday and Saturday nights and 'real' dates were one of the things he'd looked forward to for years, that he'd thought would be the best part of being with Josh again. But if he had to choose...he wanted afternoons like the way they'd spent Easter. Playing and relaxed and just being together. He'd give up ever going on a proper date again before he'd give up that. "Just...it's up to you," he added even more quietly. "I'll do whatever you want."

“Or,” Julian countered thoughtfully, trying to figure out a way that wouldn’t be potentially divisive…well, less divisive. “Monday/Wednesday and Tuesday/Thursday. Friday, Saturday and Sunday are swapped. One weekend, I back off. The next weekend, Kevin does. That way we don’t have to wrestle over which we’d rather have—a weekend afternoon or an evening—and it’s possible to go on trips.”

The way Josh was suggesting meant he and Julian would never be able to go on their weekend trips again.

Josh considered it. It was an awfully long time to distance between them. And then whomever inevitably had Monday would just have him an extra day. He shook his head. Julian had told him - and he'd promised him he wouldn't let him - he didn't want to be the bad guy. He didn't want to fall into trying to steal Josh from Kevin. Josh knew himself. Knew how lost he could get in his time with each of them. To give them each a whole weekend would only alienate the other during that time. Though he was honestly more worried about Kevin than Julian. Julian'd waited god only knew how many years. And Josh knew he was damn patient and persevered when he wanted something badly enough. He'd seen it in Julian's eyes. The want. The determination. Julian would be playing hardball and Kevin was way out of his league. If Josh didn't referee himself, things could get ugly. Very, very quickly.

"Summer break's almost here," he said, even though he really wanted that time back. All of it wasted. "We'll try it without Saturdays and see how it works out. And take it from there." He knew Kevin knew Julian at times ferried him away for new, exciting experiences. On the occasions it had happened, he'd had to warn him, and try to work out a better schedule so they could still have their dates. It hadn't been easy, and in hindsight had probably hurt Julian a lot, but they'd managed. Julian's cancellation of their trip to Cambodia had hurt more than he'd wanted to admit, especially to himself. He couldn't let it get in the way. This - they were more important.

Kevin flinched at the reminder. Summer break, when no matter what happened here and now, and no matter how much it hurt, it would likely all go completely to hell. When Julian would have all the time and the money in the world and he'd...have the first time he'd been home in two years, and trying to explain to his parents why, no, Josh wouldn't be coming and- He wrapped his arms around himself and took a slow breath. Tried not to let it show, tried to ignore the crawling itch beneath his skin that was starting to overwhelm everything else.

"Just pick then, Josh. Please, just...make a decision." He needed this over.

"I'm fine with Kevin having Sunday," Julian said. He hadn't been plotting--not consciously. Later he would tease through Josh's reasoning and come to the same conclusion the other boy had. "And we'll deal with summer when it comes."

Josh nodded. "Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday for Kevin. Monday, Wednesday and Friday for Julian. Saturday for me." He swallowed, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms across his chest. "We'll start next week. So it'll be fair."

Kevin nodded jerkily in acknowledgment, arms going tighter around himself. "So...nothing but those days?" he confirmed. He wanted to be sure, didn't want to fuck things up because they both had some agenda, knew how the hell this was supposed to work, and he was just waiting to be told.

"Speaking for myself," Julian said slowly. "I wouldn't be upset if the two of you talk in class, or in the halls, or over the journals. If you shared intimacies, that would be fine. I don't think it would work if we policed everything, made it sterile. I would hate to see it become robotic. It would be better for Josh, for all of us, if we could be okay with allowing those natural moments that come every day and just be aware."

Josh nodded.

"Fine," Kevin answered, voice choked, and nodded jerkily again. "Are we...are we done then?"

Julian met Josh's eyes.

Josh looked down. "Yeah," he replied quietly.

"Okay, I- Okay. Sunday." He couldn't keep his voice any kind of steady as he tried not to think about what that really meant now. No more sitting with Josh at breakfast, talking while he ate, no more afternoons and evenings doing homework, being close and touching him and just being together without the intermediary of a computer screen. He'd get three days a week. The occasional word in the halls. Careful not to say or touch too much. Knowing that on all those other days he was going to be where he wanted to be. With Julian, who could give him everything Kevin never could.

His skin was crawling and he tugged at his gloves, movements disjointed as he looked up at Josh again. "Okay," he repeated. He didn't know what else to say.

"You can go if you want," was all he said.

Kevin looked at Josh, head down and all the way across the room, then across at Julian. Silent and probably just waiting for him to get the hell out so he could have Josh to himself, no matter what the deal supposedly was. And couldn't care enough to stay just to fuck him over. Not when as far as he could tell Josh had made it so very clear who he wanted with almost every touch through this entire ordeal, no matter what his words had said. He'd been dismissed, he'd get the hell out.

"Fine," he choked out, fists going tight as he glared at Julian one last time, resisted the almost overwhelming urge to cross to Josh for...any kind of touch before he had to give up seeing him in anything but awkward passing for days, and headed for the door. The itch under his skin was almost unbearable. A few weeks ago he'd have ignored it and gone to his studio, but his art wasn't any comfort anymore. He jerked the door open and didn't close it behind him as he walked stiffly into the hall. Within a few paces he was running. Hell, his trainer would probably be happy with him for coming in after hours to work on his powers.

Julian watched the open door in silence for what felt like ages before turning his head to look at Josh. His shoulders slowly relaxed and he let the empathy and warmth show even as he reached out to touch Josh's cheek with a delicate brush of tk. "I'm sorry," he said simply. "That can't have been easy for you."

Josh drew his legs up as Kevin wrenched the door open, wrapping both arms about them and dropping his face to his knees. At the touch to his cheek, his breath hitched. "I don't know what to do, Julian," he replied, heartbroken. "I don't know what he wants." He sniffed and looked up at him. "How could he ever have thought that I would want sex with strangers just to be touched?!"

"I don't know," Julian said quietly.

"It hurts..." Just knowing Kevin felt so strongly about it. And more to the point that he'd have rather had strangers all over him...and not someone...not someone who... "Close the door?" he managed, insides quaking.

Julian pushed the door shut with a nudge of tk and moved to stand next to Josh. He reached out to rest his hand along the back of Josh's neck, thumb stroking up the vertebrae in a comforting gesture. "Maybe he was offering your terms he subconsciously knew you wouldn't be able to accept," Julian offered, struggling to see Kevin's side in this. It would be too easy to mentally make Kevin the villain, but that would make Julian the villain in the end...because then there would be no reason not to fight to have Josh to himself. "I don't think he understood what he was suggesting himself."

Josh wrapped both arms about Julian's waist and pressed his face into his belly. He shook his head. "I don't know...I just...Maybe it's me. I just don't understand."

He slid his hand up into Josh's hair, cradling the back of his skull. "You will," Julian promised. "All of us will. It just takes time and I'm guessing a lot of hurt to get there." Julian was silent for a long minute before adding, quieter, "I won't hate you if you need to take it back, Josh. I'm in your life, lovers or not. I can make it go back to how it used to be if that's what it takes to make things okay between you and Kevin."

"No," he replied, arms tightening about him. He held him close for a moment before looking up at him, chin against his abdomen. "I'm not going to deny how I feel about you, Julian. And I don't want you to have to do that anymore either." He stroked against the brunet's lower back. "We'll get through this."

That...God, hearing that made everything else worth it for him. "Yeah," he said quietly, not trying to hide the emotion in his eyes, his voice. "Yeah, we will."

Josh reached up for his face, cupping his cheek and drawing him down for a kiss. "Whatever happens," he murmured against his lips. "I will always love you."

"And I you," Julian said earnestly. Then he straightened, even though he wanted nothing more to kiss back. "Are you going to be okay?"

He nodded. "Just...Take my instruments with you? Please?"

"I'll protect them from you and your dramatics with my life," he promised solemnly, though the flash of mischief in his eyes gave him away.

Josh grinned, relaxing into the familiar comfort. "What's the good of having you around if a body can't get hysterical every now and again?"

"True enough. I guess I'll stock up on smelling salts then, Aunt Pittypatt.”

Josh rolled his eyes. "If I pass out, you're going to need to do mouth to mouth."

"You big flirt."

"It passes the time."

Julian grinned and lightly tugged at Josh's hair. "I should go," he said, though he really didn't want you. "You sure you'll be okay?"

Josh shrugged. "I'll go find Mark or something."

"Good idea." Julian moved to retrieve the violin, carefully tucking it under his arm. "I'll send you obnoxious e-mails later," he promised.

"Just as long as they're not chains."

"I make no promises."

He gave Josh one final brush of tk before he slipped out the door, putting mindbending temptation behind him.