InsaneJournal

Who: Josh and Kevin
When: Sunday, 3/20 (After Josh/Julian)
Where: Kevin's studio
What: Confront infidelity



It was difficult to describe, the feeling in his chest. It was equal parts dread, pain and a profound calmness he couldn't even begin to wonder at. He'd kissed Julian. Julian had kissed back. And now he had to tell Kevin.

He made the trip across campus without being conscious of any time passing. One moment he was leaving the dorms, and the next he was right outside Kevin's studio. He bit his lip, raised his hand to knock, and paused for a full minute as something heavy settled in his stomach before knocking.

His studio was littered with ragged, twisted scraps of metal, no way to tell what they'd started life as, and the marks of fire and cutting the only thing to tell they'd already had a second life since then. He was in the middle of cutting down his latest effort for scrap, the plasma torch leaving glowing lines across contorted metal. Nothing in the room was at all recognizably related to any of his previous work. There was no grace or elegance, no balance or flow. Everything spoke of pain and fear, anger and isolation. If his trainer or therapist had seen inside the room in the last week he might have been in custody.

He didn't hear the knock over the sound of the torch, so he kept on working doggedly at his task.

Josh knocked again, before pushing the door open slowly. He normally would never walk right into anyone's studio - work was very private and should be respected - but he didn't have a choice. His eyes zeroed in on Kevin automatically, but his gaze was drawn to the pieces surrounding him. Josh swallowed the knot that formed in his throat and blinked against sudden wetness. He knocked on the door hard and waited for Kevin to see him. It was dangerous to startle someone with a torch. And Josh didn't know if he could heal Kevin from a foot away if it was really bad. He wasn't about to take the chance to find out.

Kevin caught movement out of the corner of his eye and shut the torch off instantly, turning to yell at whoever had come in even as...something registered. A warm tug in his chest that he hadn't felt in too long, even as he realized it was Josh standing there just inside the door. It was only years of safety training that had become ingrained habit that let him put the torch carefully down in its cradle before he stepped away from the insulated mat he'd been working on. He kept his heavy work gloves on, but he pushed his face mask up as he moved to show show hollow cheeks and bloodshot eyes. The sweat and ash streaking his skin smeared as he ran an arm across his face and stopped a good few feet short of Josh.

He didn't want Josh here, didn't want him seeing this...but he wanted him so bad he could hardly breathe for it, and his stomach twisted on itself as he stood there, staring helplessly at him. "Hey," he finally greeted Josh, fiddling restlessly with gloves and sleeves that were covering not just skin, but an assortment of minor cuts and burns from his carelessness over the last week.

One look at him, and the guilt came crashing down. The door swung closed as Josh crossed over to him in a few quick strides and dropped to his knees. Both arms went about Kevin's middle, as he pressed his face against his belly and sobbed.

Kevin reached to try and hold him upright, but it was too late, and his stomach lurched as Josh dropped to his knees. He might be able to heal himself, but that didn't mean it wouldn't hurt like hell to drive a piece of scrap metal a few inches into his knee. When there was no scream of pain Kevin settled a gloved hand awkwardly on Josh's shoulder and rested the other tentatively on the golden crown of his hair. He was filthy, and every touch of his hands streaked Josh with ash and grease, but he couldn't not touch him. He could never not touch him, especially when he was hurting, and the fact that he was probably somehow responsible for his Josh's obvious pain made him feel almost physically ill.

"Hey." His voice was almost a croak, hoarse from disuse, and he smoothed his hand down the back of Josh's head, holding him close. "Hey, Josh. Shhh. It's all right. Whatever it is, it's all right." He tugged at Josh's shoulder, trying to urge him to his feet. He could flip the mask down again to be safe if he had to, but he wanted to hold him properly. "Come on, I've got you. It's all right."

Josh's head rocked against Kevin's abdomen. He allowed himself only another minute of Kevin's comfort - because really, he didn't deserve it; he was a horrible boyfriend - before pulling away, wiping at his face and smearing dirt and grease as easily as tears. "It's not...it's not all right, Kevin," he replied, getting up on shaking legs and taking a step back. "It's not...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."

He'd been saying that a lot tonight. Somehow saying it didn't make anything better. It just made things worse. He shouldn't be apologizing, because the last few weeks should never have happened.

Kevin kept smoothing his hand across Josh's head as he clung to him, ignoring how the gold of his hair was being progressively dimmed by the filth he was working into it. That was what showers were for, what mattered now was comforting Josh. He'd done such a crap job of...everything, really...since he'd come. He could manage that at least.

Except apparently he couldn't, because when Josh finally made it to his feet he pulled away. Kevin refused to let go of him entirely, though, and slid the hand from his shoulder down to circle his wrist in a gentle grip that Josh would none-the-less be very hard put to break.

"So you lost your temper," Kevin murmured, trying to tug him closer again. "We both did. It's not so bad and...we can make it better, yeah? We've done this from across the country for years, Josh, we just...we need to work out how to do it from across the hall is all." He smiled faintly, reassuringly, and tugged again.

Josh sidestepped like a skittish horse, but Kevin's body followed. He had a solid grip, and was trying to reel Josh in, but the blond resisted. "You were right," he choked, hands catching over Kevin's arm so he couldn't pull him closer. "I can't do it, I can't." His shoulders shook as he looked up, agonized blue eyes meeting Kevin's darker brown. "I need it." He said it as if it were a drug, and perhaps it was. To Josh touch was everything. As a healer touch was literally a way of life, and he'd never realized how much he depended on it. Had never realized how large an impact it had upon his life. "I'm sorry."

It took Kevin a moment to figure out what Josh was saying, what he had to be saying, and then his heart just about stopped. He stared into Josh's eyes, unblinking, and there was no way Josh could have missed the absolute, heartsick fear there.

It was only a moment, though, and then he blinked, shook his shoulders slightly, and tugged more insistently at Josh's arm, moving closer himself at the same time this time. "I know," he whispered, voice choked despite his efforts to keep it steady. He wrapped his other arm around Josh's shoulders and held him close, head turned carefully away to make sure his skin was nowhere near Josh's. No matter how much he'd wanted to believe Josh's assurances, and Julian's, he'd known they weren't true. That didn't mean having Josh finally admit it wasn't like a knife to his gut, though, and he couldn't quite control his own shaking as he held Josh close. "I know, love."

He didn't know what else to say beyond that for now, didn't know if Josh's next words were going to be that it was over or if there was some way they could try to work things out. He'd thought his world had been crumbling around his feet before, but it had been nothing compared to the gaping chasm he felt stretching in front of his feet now.

Josh collapsed into him, holding him tight. Mouth pressed against his shoulder. He breathed in deeply, pulling Kevin's scent into his body. Small, little imaginative touches as particles brushed particles. He closed his eyes, squeezing them shut as his heart shattered. He couldn't...he couldn't let him. Couldn't let it seem like it was all right when nothing was, when it couldn't be.

He pressed his face to Kevin's covered shoulder, wishing he could bury it all. Wishing Kevin had never brought it up.

"I love you," he whispered against sooty cloth.

"I know," Kevin managed to rasp, and let go of Josh's wrist finally so he could cradle the back of his head, wishing more than he ever had before that he didn't need the heavy glove between them. That he could run bare fingers through the dirt-dimmed golden strands of Josh's hair. That he could give him the touch and the comfort he needed and deserved.

"I love you too." He had to turn his head farther away to resist the urge to nuzzle in against Josh, and he nearly spared a hand to flip his mask back down. But he couldn't bear the idea of that between them and he held Josh tighter instead. "I love you more than anything and...and I don't want to lose you-" His voice broke and he had to pause, draw a few deep breaths to keep the tears back. Josh didn't deserve that. It wasn't his fault. "I don't want to lose you but...I can't...I won't ask you to give up everything for me." He couldn't manage it anymore, and tears squeezed out at the corners of his eyes as he shut them tight.

"I wish I could," he replied, stroking down his back. "I wish I could give that up for you. I wish I could be what you need. Stronger...better...more. But you were right. You were right about a lot of things. I never noticed before you came how much a part of me it was. How much...how much a part of me he was." He drew back, feeling oddly strong in a moment that was about to change his entire world. "Kevin, I had a lot of time to think about it. About what you said, and the things you saw. I didn't want to face them, but you made me. You brought them out and wouldn't let me shove them away." His fingers caught in his boyfriend's shirt so he wouldn't reach for his face. "I spoke to Julian...He told me he didn't love me like that, but I had to know for sure. I had to know so I could tell you it didn't matter. So I could tell you with my whole heart that nothing would happen. That what you were implying was wrong and just as ridiculous as I wanted to believe."

He swallowed, looking down for a moment to steady himself before meeting Kevin's eyes again. "We were both wrong. We were both right. Everything's upside down...I...Kevin, I kissed him. I kissed Julian."

He didn't even know what to say as Josh spoke. He wished he could too, but it wasn't fair to expect him to. He wished he could be strong enough, and good enough, to get his fucked up piece of shit power under control so he could give Josh what he needed. He'd tried so hard, for so long, but he hadn't made even the faintest hint of progress in all these years. It wasn't until he registered the unnatural stress on he that Kevin's brain stopped spinning on what ifs and might have beens and focused in properly on Josh's words again. On words that, one by one, were ripping his world apart.

He froze in place, as still and hard as one of his sculptures and stared down at Josh in disbelief that shifted quickly to shock and confusion and a hurt so deep he was amazed he was still upright, that his heart was still beating when it had just been ripped to shreds. He didn't notice when his hands dropped away from touching Josh, when they curled tight into shaking fists. Not even when he took a half step back. Of all the things he'd worried about, all the many things he'd feared, this had never been one of him. Even when he'd started to suspect what was going on it had never once occurred to him that Josh would actually betray him.

The hurt was a burning ache under his skin, almost a mirror of the dark roll of his powers, and he took another step back. "You...you should go now," he whispered, amazed to hear words pass his lips, though his voice was almost unrecognizable. Josh needed to leave before he lost it entirely.

"No," he replied, stepping back. He could tell Kevin was having trouble, and maybe it was stupid, but he wasn't about to let it go on any longer the way it had. Any of it. "I'm not going to leave you. We said we wouldn't do it anymore, and then we did. We said we'd talk about it and then we got into a fight again. I don't want to fight, but I know what I did...I know you can't forgive me. Hate me, yell at me, anything. But tell me. Please, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want us hurting each other every other time we open our mouths. So, let's be honest, right now. Let's not censor. Tell me, Kevin. Tell me!"

"Fuck you!" he snapped, though he didn't know where the hell his voice was even coming from. "Don't you think it's a little fucking late for that?" He took another step back, fetched up against the twisted wreckage of what might have been a parody of a hand. He didn't so much as hiss at the pain as it drew a jagged gash through the back of his shirt and across his lower back. He welcomed the pain, welcomed having something physical to focus on instead of the way he felt like someone had taken razor blades to his insides.

"I tried to be honest! I tried to fucking talk to you!" He felt like he should be yelling, but his voice was coming out cold and low and steady. "I fucking, tried, Josh. And you swore it wasn't an issue. I tried to help you, because it hurt like hell to see you hurting, and you told me to fuck off. That it wasn't any of my fucking business and I should leave it, leave you, alone...and then you turned around and ran off to Julian." The name came out like an obscenity. "You couldn't talk to me about it, but you could sure as fucking hell tell him? I don't even rate a fucking explanation or a warning before you go throwing yourself at him?"

"Fuck. You." He would have backed farther away again, if he weren't already pressed up against jagged metal, blood escaping in a trickle to fall to ash against his skin, sending shocks through his system that just fed the steadily rising burn of his powers.

"I never said it was none of your business! I asked you, I pleaded with you to leave it alone! But you wouldn't. No! I had to face things; you had to drag things out and make me confront them. I didn't want to, but I did! And I did it for you. Because none of this was going to work until I figured it out!" He gestured widely with his arms. "And I didn't throw myself at him!" Though, technically, he had - it'd been the only way to catch him by surprise. "I kissed him to see if he was lying to me! Because it was the only way to know for sure!

"I didn't go 'running off' to him because I couldn't talk to you! I went to go talk to him, like, as you'll recall, YOU wanted! Get pissed off at me that we kissed, fine! You have every fucking right! But don't you dare try to make this out to be some sort of premeditated attack! It happened! And it never would have happened if you hadn't been pushing so god damn hard!"

"Bullshit!" he shot back. "Don't try to fucking blame this on me! It was there, it was just a matter of coming out now or coming out months from now and if you're so busy being honest finally you'll fucking admit that too! And definitely don't try and claim that running off to declare your love for that fucker, without saying a god damned word to me about it, was for me, because that's bullshit too!"

"I wanted you to talk to me about what was going on! I wanted you to admit it was a fucking issue so we could try and figure out how we could work things out! I sure as hell didn't want you to run off and give tonsil hockey with Keller a try, and then come back to report on the fucking results!"

His voice had finally risen, but his powers had too and he pulled away from the jagged metal he'd been pressed against, leaving blood streaked on it, so he could shift to the side and then get farther away. No matter how angry, how incredibly hurt and betrayed, he was, he still wasn't willing to risk hurting Josh. He rubbed an arm across his face as he moved, tears smearing into dirt and sweat.

"I'm not blaming this on you! I decided to kiss Julian. That was my decision and I'm not claiming otherwise. But it IS your fault I did it now. Because you just kept pushing! Do you think this is easy for me?! Do you think I wanted this?! If it was so goddamn set, why did you have to push it, Kevin? Why?! Don't you think--" Josh blinked at the blood against the metal, then turned to Kevin. He couldn't see an injury, but that didn't mean one wasn't there. Stepping the distance, he reached for the abandoned blood, disturbed by what his powers registered. It was fresh, very fresh. And the injury could infect. "Kevin, turn around. Let me see."

"So it's my fault you decided to throw everything away now instead of waiting another six months or a year," Kevin snarled in answer. He was clinging tight to his anger because if he let that go all he'd have left was the hurt and fear, insides torn to ribbons and bleeding out where no one could see. Without the anger he'd have hit his knees by now. Josh wanted Julian. Wanted him...loved him. Had gone to tell him, to make sure he was available and interested before bringing it back to him like it was some kind of twisted, sadistic gift, instead of the betrayal of years of absolute and unquestioning trust and devotion. I did it for you.

"Go to hell, Josh," he whispered, even as blood continued to well up and spill onto his skin in tiny shocks of power. It was nothing. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered when the solid bedrock he'd built his life on had just turned to quicksand beneath his feet.

Josh frowned. "You want me to be honest? Fine." He crossed his arms so he wouldn't reach for him. His touch wasn't welcome anymore, what little they'd been allowed by Kevin's power. "I spent years hurting him by loving you. And I just hurt you by realizing I love him. This whole thing..." He choked on a humorless laugh. "I told Julian in the end I'm going to lose you both. I know that. And it's the scariest fucking thing I have ever had to face. My whole world has revolved around you for years, Kevin. And I know that it's my fault it's stopped spinning. But I am not going to give you up. I can't. You can never forgive me. You can break up with me. But that's not going to make my love for you go away."

He sniffed, trying to keep it together so he could say his piece before Kevin stopped listening. "Do I know where the hell any of this is going? No. Do I know what the hell I'm going to do about this? No. Did I need to do it? Yes. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't speak to you first. But Julian is my best friend. I know him. I know I had to talk to him alone. First. Not to hurt you. But because it was the only way. I had to do it on my own. I had to clear the mess we've been living in. I told you we worked differently, Julian and I. That you didn't understand. And you still don't. I didn't plan on kissing him. He's just so strong, so stubborn. Kissing him...it was the only way I knew to catch him by surprise, to get the truth. And I got that truth. And I came here to tell you. Because I love you. Because you had a right to know. To hear it from me, right after. No secrets, no lies. We've always been nothing but honest with each other, Kevin. I had to be honest with myself before I could be honest with you. It's not like I was skimming through my fucking options.

"Everything...every last minute of my life since I came here has been you and him. The two of you...You molded me together. You're what's kept me going. You're what's motivated me and supported me, and allowed me to grow." He shook his head slowly. "I can't imagine me without you, Kevin. But, I also can't be me without him. Because who I am, is you. Both of you. And now, I feel like I'm just a pile of pieces. Millions of pieces. With your names on them. And I can't put myself back together, because none of them fit anymore. Because now I have to choose. And no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt people I love. I'm going to lose. So you tell me. Six months, a year...How long do we have? Is this a countdown now? What happens to all our plans? What do we do with all those dreams? If you want it over, you're going to have to end it, because I'm not.

"You said we would work it out. The touch I needed. What about the touch I want?" He stepped closer to him. "Our relationship has gotten this far because we've never let anything get in the way. Because we've compromised, sacrificed. We've MADE things happen. This is just another one of those things. You tell me what you need, Kevin. Tell me what you want. I told you I'd break for you. I'd remake me to suit. What do I need to do to keep you?"

Kevin ground his teeth against the words that wanted to come out almost as soon as Josh started speaking, because fuck him wasn't really going to accomplish anything, no matter how little he gave a shit about Keller and his supposed pain. Yesterday he might have given a shit, if Josh had come to him first with his thoughts and fears and whatever fucked up expectations he might have for this whole clusterfuck. Just then he'd have been hard pressed to care less. Except, yeah, apparently he could care less. Or maybe he cared more, because if Keller had been there in front of him he was fairly certain he'd have done his damnedest to ash the bastard where he stood. Josh had had to talk to him first. Because he was his best friend. Because he understood him. Because apparently working things out with him was a hell of a lot more important than the trust and honesty he'd thought they had between them.

Suddenly the rage was draining away, no matter how hard he tried to cling to it, leaving nothing but the hurt and confusion and fear behind, and he had to reach for the bulky remains of some grotesquely proportioned facsimile of a human body to keep his feet. "No," he answered, voice low and steady and achingly tired as he met Josh's eyes. He didn't even try to hide the hurt in his own. "You apparently had to be honest with Julian before you could be honest with me. You didn't need to know if you loved him, you knew that already. You could have come to me with that, but you didn't. You wanted to know if he loved you back first. You wanted to know if he was an option."

Which hurt more than Kevin had ever imagined anything could. "I don't know what you want from me, Josh." He rubbed a gloved hand across his face, almost uniformly dark now with soot and grease and sweat and tears. "You already made a choice, even though you don't seem to see it. You decided who was more important. You decided who needed to know, who needed to be given the first choice. You decided, what? Forcing him to admit he wanted you too was more important than years of trust." The buzz beneath his skin was tighter now, more demanding, but less wild in a way, and he felt safe enough to move closer to Josh again. "Do you want me to say it's all right? Because it's not. I love you, god help me I still love you so much I can hardly breathe for it. And I would do almost anything to make you happy," he whispered, close enough to reach out and brush one gloved finger almost delicately down the center of Josh's chest.

"You want to know what I need?" He shifted his hand up, over Josh's shoulder. Curled his fingers around the back of his neck in a gentle but possessive grip and almost hated himself for how much he wished he could lean in and kiss him. How desperately he wanted to push him against a wall, pin him there and remind him that he was his. That he'd been his for years. That he'd make allowances, compromise, do almost anything he had to to give him what he needed, but he wouldn't compromise on that. That wasn't what was most important just then, though, and he leaned carefully close, sunken, bloodshot eyes fixed on Josh's. "I need to trust you. Almost everything else is negotiable, but that's not."

Josh held his ground as Kevin spoke, unraveling things even more. But he didn't bother to attempt to quell the tears. Especially with the way Kevin's eyes were holding his own. No, Josh hadn't been looking for options. But yes, he'd wanted to know. It had been so very important to know how Julian really felt. So important in fact, that it hadn't even occurred to him to talk to Kevin first. Julian's answer had been so important. So vital to his future, to his feelings, to their past. He'd gone straight to Julian because he'd always gone straight to Julian. Even after weeks of living in the same time zone, in the same building, Josh still couldn't overcome certain instincts. Whenever he had felt lost, Julian had been there. He had gone to him, had been held, soothed, talked to with a rationality that simply could not be refuted. Julian made things better. It seemed, even when he tried to be strong and take charge, he still fell into habits. Still leaned on him.

He inhaled deeply, eyes falling to Kevin's hand as he touched him. He sobbed, because it was such a relief to be touched again. He'd thought it was over. That Kevin would want to be free of him. He had to ball up his own hands into fists at his sides, clutching his jeans so he wouldn't move. He looked up again as Kevin spoke, large tearful blue eyes wavering as they tried to focus. Head tilting back into the hand at his nape, chest rocking forward even as he held his breath.

"I'm so sorry, Kevin," he whispered, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks, so close to touching Kevin as they diminished space between them. He reached up, hands shaking as they unfurled. Trembles that stilled slowly as he ran both hands down Kevin's torso. "I'm sorry."

Kevin tugged him close, head tipped back and away for safety and nearly bubbling over with a fresh spike of rage that it was even necessary. He tamped it down and pulled Josh against his chest, as solidly as he could hold him, free hand going to the back of Josh's head to guide him so he was safe.

"I don't know where that leaves us, Josh," he whispered, voice tight and low but steady still. "I've told you, over and over, that I'll do almost anything it takes. I'll compromise almost anything. I'll bend 'til I god damn break. But I need to know I can trust you, and...I won't be the compromise, Josh. I can't...I don't think I can live like that. Being the second thought if I'm lucky and the afterthought if I'm not. I don't want to lose you-" I don't know how to live if I lose you - "but if that's the best you can do-" He broke off and shook his head, voice failing him entirely.

Josh let himself be guided, almost sinking into him. Inhaling deeply against his shoulder, before he set his head down. And for a few precious moments, everything was all right. Arms about Kevin, and Kevin holding him close.

He drew back at the ultimatum, eyes catching Kevin's as they untangled slightly. "Will you give me time?" His hands smoothed over Kevin's sides; small, lingering touches. "I can't promise I won't always run to him first. I wish I could. But, he's always been there. I'm so used to going to him. Having to wait on you. I can promise I'll try. It's going to take some time." He looked down, taking in the soft press of their bodies. "Will you do something for me?" He looked up at him again, tilting his head so they were closer, but still a safe distance. "Stay close to me? Be there? So when it happens, I won't have to remember." Reaching up, he very carefully ran his fingers over Kevin's hair. "You'll be right in front of me."

Kevin froze, breath hitching and body going tight, including the hand still gripping Josh by the nape. The last thing he wanted to hear just then was how Josh couldn't promise he wouldn't always run to Keller first, not when he'd cheerfully ash the fucker where he stood given half a chance. When Josh lifted bare hands to his hair he nearly jerked away, the fear that moving unexpectedly would be more dangerous than staying still the only thing that kept him in place. He had to suck in a few steadying breaths before he could even try to talk, hurt and anger and adrenaline fueled fear stealing his words for longer than he would have liked.

"I've been trying, Josh," he reminded him, bitterness and hurt bleeding into every word. "But there's not a damned thing I can do if you won't let me. I tried to talk to you. I tried to be there for you, and you basically told me to fuck off and shut me out." For almost an entire week of miserable uncertainty. "And when you finally decided you'd sorted things out, you left me hanging and went to Keller." And there was absolutely no mistaking the vitriol dripping from the name, anger and hurt - possibly unfairly, though only in part - redirected onto a target he could afford to let himself hate, because hating Josh was never an option. "How can I stay close when you won't fucking let me?"

"By not giving me the option." He really didn't want to bring Julian up again, let alone compare them. That would only make things worse. "There're...a lot of things we don't know about each other, Kevin. We spent all this time thinking we knew each other so well, and then we kept tripping up. We don't know how to be in each other's lives. That doesn't mean we can't learn." He reached for his hands, taking them in his own and squeezing them. "We can do this. I know we can." He kissed over Kevin's gloves, one hand and then the other, before looking up at Kevin and smiling softly. "Hi. I'm Josh. I'm annoyingly cheerful in the morning. I hum while I brush my teeth, sing in the shower, and have a really bad habit of giving into my flight instincts when I feel cornered."

He couldn't return Josh's smile. He was too hurt and confused to be able to appreciate or follow Josh's attempt to lighten the moment. There was nothing light about it for him, and when Josh finished speaking he curled his hands back around his wrists and held him firmly. "You still haven't told me what you want, Josh." It would have been so much easier just to let it go for now, but he couldn't do that. Josh had opened Pandora's Box and he couldn't turn his back or turn a blind eye and pretend that everything was fine. "What are you asking for?" And things he could have agreed to with difficulty but with a whole heart yesterday he might just choke on today.

He sighed, face falling and looked down at where Kevin held him. "I don't know." His hands closed around Kevin's covered forearms. "All I know," he replied, looking up again. "Is that I don't want to lose you."

Kevin swallowed hard and let his eyes slip shut. It wasn't exactly what he'd most dreaded hearing, but it had been only a little way down the list, and he had to focus to breathe past the tight ache in his chest. "I meant it when I said I need to be able to trust you, Josh." He pulled him close again, not quite the same confining hold he'd had before but close enough he didn't have to look Josh in the eyes this time. "I need to know if 'I don't know' means you wanna screw around with...with Keller while you...figure things out or whatever you want to call it. And if it does-" He took a deep breath, fingers curling hard against Josh's shoulder. Holding him tight even as he feared his words were pushing him away. "I don't know if that's something I can handle. Not now."

Josh shook his head. "No, that's not what I want." He pulled away. "It's not fair to anyone, and the kiss aside..." He lay a hand over Kevin's heart. "I would never accept 'screwing around' as any kind of solution."

He ran his fingers over Kevin's chest in a crescent. "Do you...do you think you can trust me with him?"

That was one question he didn't want to have to answer, because the one he felt like he had to give hurt bone deep. He loosed his grip on Josh to press the heels of his hands into his eyes while he tried to find the words. "In all these years I've never not trusted you, not about anything and not even for a moment," he finally answered, quiet but steady. He dropped his hands and made himself look Josh in the eyes as he continued. "I want to be able to say yes now...and it hurts like something being ripped right out of me that I don't know if I can," he finished in a miserable whisper.

"I understand."

He reached for Josh again and pulled him close, both arms going tight around him. He wanted to scream in frustration at how little he could touch him, how he couldn't so much as kiss him...though it occurred to him to wonder if it would have been welcome even if he could.

"I love you Josh. More than anything." He curled gloved fingers at Josh's nape again, holding him tight, putting all the possessiveness he couldn't put into a kiss or any kind of intimate touch in the way he held Josh's body against him, gentle but inescapably firm.

Josh wrapped around him again. It wasn't perfect, but it was much better than he'd feared. "I love you too," he replied, nuzzling Kevin's shoulder with his cheek. "No matter what happens, that'll never change."

Kevin held him close, head turned away again to avoid the risk of his cheek brushing Josh's ash-grimed hair, and tried to ignore the tight ache in his chest at the knowledge that, whatever happened from here on out, his one great fear had been confirmed. Josh couldn't get by with what he could give him. He'd never be enough. And no matter what Josh said about not knowing what he wanted now, he'd made it pretty inescapably clear that he wanted Keller. And Keller wanted him just as badly. And somewhere along the line Josh was going to face up to that, and then he'd be screwed. Or Keller would be dead and he'd be screwed in an entirely different way.