InsaneJournal

backdated
Who: Kevin and Josh
When: Tuesday, 3/1 immediately after the lake party
Where: On the way back to the dorms and in Josh's room
What: Dealing with fallout



Josh rubbed his arm with his free hand as if he were cold, and didn't even wait for Julian to be out of sight before he started back toward the dorms.

Kevin turned to watch Julian walking away, his stomach still churning unpleasantly, until Josh started walking again. His boots squelched wetly in the grass as he matched Josh's stride and watched him sidelong. "I'm sorry," he murmured after a moment, still holding his hand almost painfully tight. "I should've just...left you guys be."

"What?" he replied, turning to look at him for a moment. "Kevin don't be ridiculous. You said you'd meet us and you did. It's not your fault Julian's a dick."

Kevin dropped his head and shook it slightly, stubbornly, jaw and shoulders both tight. "You were having a, um...a good time...the two of you." He swallowed hard and tried to push down the jealousy and anger that were still bubbling just under the surface. Tried just as hard to ignore the sick twist of lingering arousal, though it was hard with Josh still mostly bare and damp next to him. "...I ruined it."

Josh paused, turning to look at him. "Kevin, look at me." It frustrated him that he couldn't touch his boyfriend. Run his hand against his cheek, tilt his chin. Couldn't reassure him with a kiss without something in the way to keep them both safe.

Kevin stopped, but didn't look up at Josh at first. He wasn't at all sure what would show on his face if he did and he didn't want Josh to see any of it there if he could help it. He didn't deserve that. Any of it. He took a slow, deep breath and finally looked up, eyes shadowed in the darkness, tension he just couldn't force away in every line of his face and body.

He reached for him reflexively and had to quickly curl his fingers to avoid touching him. His hand dropped against his chest, fingers twining in his shirt. "You did nothing wrong." He tilted his head, so he could be closer to him without leaning into him dangerously. "Nothing."

"No." He shook his head and had to make himself take a half step back. There was just too much skin and he wanted to touch it so bad. Wanted to lean in and kiss josh, claim him, wipe out the memory of Julian's hands, his mouth, all over him. The feeling was so strong he couldn't talk for a moment as he fought it down. "You...you need that," he finally forced out, voice tight and low. "The touching. The...the skin. I can't...I'm never-" He had to stop, make himself breathe, and he shook his head again.

"Let's go inside. It's cold out here."

Kevin just closed his eyes for a moment then nodded, opened them again, and headed for the dorm. He wasn't even really paying attention to if anyone was watching out for kids out past curfew. He was just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and getting inside.

Josh took a quick shower to warm up, leaving Kevin in his room. Mark hadn't returned yet, so they didn't have to worry about interfering with his roommate's sleep. He really didn't want the shower to be quick. He had a rather dreadful sinking feeling that refused to go away. But, he wasn't about to lose out on time alone with Kevin. So he dried off, dressed and headed back out. Usually he just dressed in his room, but he felt Kevin'd had enough of flesh being paraded around in front of him.

He made sure to dress in a long sleeved thermal top, and long flannel bottoms. He covered his feet in socks, and would have added gloves if he'd had any clean ones. He wasn't quite as prepared as Kevin in that department.

Hanging up his towel, he drifted over to the bed and sat down beside him tentatively.

Kevin had had stripped off his soaked boots and socks and helped himself to a pair of Josh's socks while he waited. Which left him with plenty of time to sit on the edge of Josh's bed and stew, the events of the last hour playing over and over in his mind's eye. By the time Josh reappeared he was wound tighter than a cheap watch, heart pounding again and hands twisting restlessly in his lap.

His gaze snapped to Josh the second he entered the room, face flushed, eyes dark and unreadable, and when he sat down next to him Kevin reached immediately for him, gloved hand curling tight around Josh's bare one. In his other hand he was clutching a square of thin, soft fabric he'd had in his pocket earlier. "I want...can I-" He fucking hated having to ask, wanted to just kiss him, but he wasn't about to just drape the fabric over either of their faces and force himself on him, not as weird as things felt. Which just made it that much worse. "Please," he added, low and strained and looking almost miserable as he held the fabric up between them.

The fabric eased something in Josh and he smiled. "Yeah," he replied, tilting his head back as he leaned closer to him.

Kevin made a quiet sound in the back of his throat, low and strained, and draped the fabric - white and as thin as he felt even remotely safe with - over his own face before leaning in to kiss Josh. Hard and demanding and possessive. He pushed him back on the bed with something close to a growl and settled his weight over him, and tried not to think of Julian touching him, biting him...or the familiar and unmistakable look of arousal on Josh's face when he had.

Kevin's aggressive dominance was surprising but not unwelcome. Josh flopped back, rocking a knee open as his boyfriend settled over him. He was careful to keep his hands trapped between them, lest he touch Kevin by reaching for his hair. His hands clutched the front of Kevin's hoodie as he arched up slightly into the kiss, inhaling deeply and pulling him close.

It didn't work. Even when he kneed Josh's thighs apart and settled between them, tongue tangling with Josh's as best it could through the barrier of fabric between them, he couldn't escape the image of bare hands and pale, wet skin, the smooth line of Josh's throat as he'd dropped his head back, almost begging for more. How obviously he'd wanted.

He was so hard it almost hurt, and he pushed himself back with a choked noise of frustration and disgust, letting the fabric fall to the bed as he moved. Sat back on the edge of the bed and buried his face in his hands. "It's not fair," he whispered, words half-choked and almost lost behind his hands. "It's not...you deserve better than...than this."

He moved so quickly, it took Josh a moment to process what'd happened. It wasn't until Kevin started talking that he sighed and ran both hands over his face. "Kevin, we've talked about this." He pushed himself up, drawing up his legs so they were more or less level with one another. He was hard and confused, and Kevin was too fucking far away. "This is what I want. You're what I want. I don't need anything but you."

"No." He shook his head, heels of his hands pressed against his closed eyes. "This...it's not enough, not when...when you can have anything." He dropped his hands and looked at Josh, eyes red but dry, expression a strange mix of anger and fear and, over it all, arousal. "I saw, Josh. I was...I was watching. You-" His voice broke and he had to swallow hard before finishing. "You wanted him," he whispered miserably.

"Julian?" he replied incredulously. Then laughed, though the sound was strained. "Kevin. No. He just surprised me, that's all." But he knew even as he said it, it wasn't entirely true. Maybe wasn't very true at all. He'd been faithful. All those months for two whole years. He'd never let someone else kiss him, or touch him in a way that was more than friendly.

Julian was different. He was his best friend. Julian had been there for him every moment. He'd calmed him down when he was upset and held him close when he'd cried. He'd made him laugh, and comforted him, and pushed him when he needed pushing. Life with Julian wasn't easy, but Josh missed it. He missed him. Things were changing and Julian was telling Emma things he wasn't telling Josh - he knew it.

He'd never particularly gotten along with Emma, though there was never any real discomfort between them that had any weight. He didn't think she liked him very much, and she had every right not to like whomever she wanted. So Josh kept his distance, and they sort of co-existed. Unfortunately, the mere thought that Julian felt he couldn't confide in him any longer...that Emma saw all of him now, and Josh was a sidenote filled him with such a rage. It wasn't even something he could explain. He still didn't particularly have any feelings for Emma one way or the other, but seeing her with Julian now...hearing Julian choose her...

He got up, flexing his hands and crossed the room. "I don't want to talk about Julian."

Kevin heard the strain, and he’d seen the look on Josh's face. "You wanted him," he repeated doggedly, despite Josh's last words. "And why shouldn't you?" His voice was tight, anger and jealousy bleeding through. "He can fucking touch you! Jesus!" He pushed up to his feet, hands clenched against the desire to grab Josh again.

"I wanted to kill him, watching his hands all over you. His...his mouth...on you. On your skin." He stalked closer to Josh, into his personal space, hands still clenched against the desire, the need, to touch him. "Wanted to...to tell him to just fucking kiss you," he continued in a strained whisper. "To...give you that-" His voice broke again and he looked away from Josh. "...to tell me what it felt like...how you taste."

"Kevin, please don't do this."

He spun back to the bed and bent to snatch up the abandoned scrap of fabric. Balled it up in his hand, turned, and threw it to bounce off the door then open and flutter to the floor all in one movement. "You deserve more than this! You can have more than...than this...." His voice trailed off and he dropped back onto the edge of the bed, head falling into his hands again.

Josh followed him over, kneeling down to settle his hands carefully over Kevin's knee. "We've talked about this," he replied evenly. "What we have is different. That doesn't make it any less than what anyone else has. I love you. You love me. That's all that matters."

"You wanted him, Josh," he repeated in a whisper without looking at him. "Don't...don't lie to me. Don't lie to yourself." He dropped his hands and met Josh's eyes, his own damp. "You're...everything, and I don't-" He stopped, voice gone ragged and broken. "I don't want to become something you regret."

"You're not," he protested. "Kevin, I want to be with you. I'm never going to regret any of our time together. Do you think I'm unaware of what the options are? I've been living in a boarding school. People hook up all the time. Sometimes for no reason at all. All this time, I haven't. All this time, when you weren't here, I didn't. And now that you are...you're...pushing me at it."

He pulled his hands out from under Kevin's. "What do you want from me, Kevin? I don't understand why you're reacting this way. Yeah, Julian bit me. He surprised me, and I've never had anyone touch me like that, so okay, maybe I felt something. But that doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly think all this - all these years together are worthless!" He pushed himself up angrily. "And how can you just sit there and say it like it's okay?!"

"It's not okay! It's never going to be okay!" he countered, surging back to his feet. "I...Jesus! I'm never...never going to touch you. Never going to touch anyone. Never going to feel your skin or taste you or-" He spun away as the tears he'd been fighting to hold back spilled over. "I'm never going to stop wanting it...so fucking bad it hurts." His voice dropped to a tear-choked whisper. "I could pretend before. That...that it was the distance. I don't want to take that away from you. I don't want to be the reason you never have that."

Josh sighed and walked over to him. Carefully, he wrapped both arms around him and set his cheek to Kevin's covered back.

There really wasn't anything he could say that would make it any better, and they both knew it.

His shoulders shook with silent sobs and his face was wet with tears and he wanted to turn around and wrap his arms around Josh in turn, but it wouldn't be safe. A simple hug, and it wouldn't be safe because his face wasn't covered. He laid his hands over Josh's instead, gloved hands over bare. "I'm sorry," he whispered, voice shaky and choked. "I'm so...so fucking sorry."

"Shh.." he soothed, holding him tightly. For once he was glad Kevin couldn't turn around, but the wetness against his back would eventually reach him. At least some part of them could touch.

He couldn't stop shaking and after a minute frozen like that he shifted forward, tugging Josh with him, and crawled onto the bed. Laid carefully down on his stomach, still holding Josh against him, unwilling to give up any point of contact, and turned his face away from Josh. That done, he reached around behind him and got a shaking hand on Josh's hip, fingers digging in tight. "You're mine," he whispered, through tears that wouldn't stop falling. "You'll always be mine, no matter what." No matter what Josh might need, or do. So long as he always came back to him, Kevin was prepared to live with anything Josh needed, once he realized that he couldn't live an entire lifetime this way.

Josh followed him down, laying beside him and setting his head to Kevin's back. He smoothed a hand over his side reassuringly, his other arm holding him close still. "I am," he murmured. Turning his head, he pressed a kiss to his shoulder. "And you're mine. Always."

Kevin shivered and pushed back into the feel of Josh against him. "Always," he agreed.

"Stay until Mark comes back?"

"Yeah. Just...can't fall asleep," he murmured, choking back a fresh surge of anger and grief. They couldn't even fall asleep this way. Couldn't risk that one of them would move in their sleep. Couldn't have anything normal and easy, and never would. "Love you."

"Mmhmm," he agreed, getting comfortable. He smoothed his hand over Kevin's side. "Love you too."

Despite his words, Kevin let his eyes slip shut with a sigh. Let himself relax into the feel of Josh against him. Just until Mark came back.

Josh felt him relax and continued to stroke him. But he couldn't relax. He didn't think he'd be sleeping any time soon. What was worse, he had no idea how he was going to face either of them tomorrow morning.

He was still emotionally keyed up, but something about Josh's presence was enough to soothe almost anything, and he had to force his eyes back open. "I don't remember what it feels like anymore," he whispered. He hadn't slept anything like well since they'd been in SHIELD custody, and between physical and emotional exhaustion he was almost free-associating. "Touching someone," he clarified blearily. "I think it felt different than just touching myself...I think." But maybe not. It had been so long he didn't really have any idea.

"You will," he replied.

Josh had never had any doubt Kevin would one day learn to control his abilities. It just took time. And Kevin's powers were very, very difficult on a day to day basis. What would take others a few years might take Kevin a decade. And that was alright. Josh was willing to wait.

Kevin drew in a slow, shuddering breath and shook his head, though the movement was barely enough to notice. Some days he could believe it would come in time, others he was absolutely sure that this was what the rest of his life would be like.

"Six years, Josh," he whispered. "Nothing in six years...except getting stronger."

"Getting stronger is something. And you can spread your power beyond your touch. That's improvement." If a little dangerous because it was not easy to control - especially when Kevin was emotional.

"It's dangerous," he countered quietly. "More power and no more control."

The hand still at Josh's hip clenched tighter again and he held himself stock still for a moment until the urge to roll over and pull Josh against him was easier to control.

"You'll get there," he soothed. "It's different for everyone. You just have to keep trying. Don't give up or you won't ever get back up." That Julian had hammered into him over the last couple of years. Less in a kind, comforting way, more with a drill sergeant's demanding. Every time Josh fell Julian was there telling him to get back up. He didn't coddle, he didn't coax. Julian Keller demanded. And for years, Josh obeyed.

He shifted against Kevin, nuzzling him slightly. Damn him for bringing up things better left in the dark.

"I'm trying, Josh," he whispered. "I'm trying so hard."

There'd been a time, so long ago, when he'd thought controlling his powers was inevitable. He never would have believed it if someone had told him he'd be closing in on eighteen with no sign of improvement. Now, after years of nothing but failure...it was getting harder and harder to believe it was ever going to happen. Most days it was almost impossible to even imagine anymore.

"All it's getting me is the ability to kill and destroy more and faster and farther away."

Josh sniffed, careful about his power's touch, even as he adjusted himself. He smoothed his hand across Kevin's side. "You're going to make it. You are." He traced Kevin's shoulderblade with his nose before kissing it. "And when we can touch, everything will be alright." And Kevin wouldn't be bringing up things he oughtn't.

"Yeah," he agreed, chest going tight again at Josh's choice of words. At the admission he probably didn't even realize he was making, no matter how true it was. It would be all right some day, when they could touch. If they could. It wasn't all right now, though, and maybe it never would be. "Everything'll be fine then."

Josh sighed and lay his head to Kevin's back again. Closing his eyes he listened to his heart, to the sound of his lungs, and was struck with how different Kevin's body sounded from Julian's. Inhaling deeply, he drew Kevin's scent in and tried to memorize the sound.

There was one thing the same though. The heart beating under his ear loved him. The heart beat that sang to him loved him more than anything. The heart in this chest may not trust him.

He'd never known love could hurt so much.

Kevin pressed back into the warmth and weight of Josh against his back, what he could feel through all the layers between them. He wanted to close his eyes, go to sleep with the feel of Josh pressed against him, but that couldn't happen. He couldn't risk it. He wanted more than anything to be able to go back to being able to believe, with everything in him, that he'd get control. That he'd be able to give Josh everything he needed but wouldn't admit to.

Would never be comfortable admitting to. Not even to himself. Because it felt like a betrayal. And Josh would always be loyal.

And it was Josh’s loyalty that was going to tear them apart. Even if he wouldn't see it and couldn't accept it, Kevin could. Could see how desperately Josh needed, wanted, the kind of touch he couldn't give him and maybe never would, and it terrified him. Because someday Josh wouldn't be able to deny it anymore.