The first question inspired a twinge of guilt. James' theory had been that those who came back were for Sirius himself. Perhaps he had been selfish, gathering his family and marauders about him. But it wasn't as though he felt any less for Lily, he had loved her too, and felt the weight of her death with the equal power of James'. It had not been only James he'd wanted to protect, but each one of his family. At the next question, he frowned so deeply at his jaw hurt. "You - you let her die? That's rubbish, I saw - I saw you that night, you did nothing of the sort, James." It was him that had let her die, by handing over the secret that kept her safe to the one who had exploited it. "I don't know why she isn't here...perhaps it's just not her time yet, perhaps she's needed elsewhere for the moment." That was the sort of stupid shite people said to grieving people, thinking the fact that there loved one was elsewhere was comforting. It wasn't. But of Lily he could believe it; her soul was so caring that Sirius couldn't believe it lay dormant until whatever force that had brought them back gave it flesh and life again.
When Sirius had frowned, James had felt a spike of panic, fearing that Sirius was about to tell him that of course he was to blame and if he'd just been better then she'd be back. But he knew those thoughts weren't inside Sirius' head. Nevertheless, Sirius' words helped, and in a weird sort of way what he said made sense. He supposed it was possible - none of them could remember being dead. Maybe there was some sort of important, boring work you had to do when you died, and the three of them had just... skipped out on it, or something. James managed a grateful smile and a nod. "Thanks," he said, his voice a little thick. Clearing his throat, he set down his glass. "So, I've been thinking, it's been far too long since we've had a proper prank. How hard do you think it would be to stick Remus to the ceiling while he's asleep?"
Sirius almost smiled as James brought up pranks, but the matter felt resolved too quickly. He didn't usually push a point with James, but he couldn't let it rest. James had clearly been bottling this up for some time. He didn't know if his best friend knew the exact details of his death, if anyone had cared to share that much detail. Even he hadn't been able to speak of it with great clarity, it did after all still burn freshly in his memory. James' still, pale body still haunted his dreams. "Listen to me," Sirius stood up and went to plonk himself on the arm of the other man's chair. "You did everything in your power to protect Lily and Harry, everything, and when Voldemort did come you stood and faced him. You died protecting them, James. What more could you do than that?"
Had it nearly anyone else, James probably would have made another joke and brushed it off, or picked a fight about something and left the room. But it was Sirius. So he raked a hand through his hair. "I could have saved them," he sighed, dropping his gaze. He knew the though was dripping with hubris, to insist that he might have killed Voldemort, but he couldn't help thinking it. He blinked to sooth the burning in his eyes. "If I'd have done something differently, she might still be alive."
"If I hadn't told Peter, if I'd left to check on him earlier, got to you before--" Sirius stopped, laid his hand on James' shoulder "Lily had the chance to save herself, and she died for Harry. As you died for them." He sighed, wishing he could say the same. "You did everything you could have, and Lily will say the same." Sirius looked down at James' mess of black hair, wondering if all of their what ifs could be narrowed to the single point of Peter, of his not giving up the secret, if he'd just died as had been the intention, would it have stopped there? Voldemort had wanted, and claimed, every single one of them.