Fingers drumming of the steering wheel of the car, Andie chewed on her bottom lip and fidgeted about in a nervous fashion. She could just barely focus on the road, which was definitely a dangerous thing, but with the way her heart was pounding in her chest and the way her eyes kept squeezing shut to squeeze away tears, it couldn't be helped. She swallowed hard as she brushed a stray lock of golden hair out of her face, her mind swarming with thoughts. In her emotional state, she'd decided to do something that would either calm and soothe her? Or send her into even more of a panicked state.
She was visiting her mother's grave.
When her mother had still been alive, Andie was much more of a 'mama's girl' than a 'daddy's girl'. She connected best with her mother. She could talk to her about anything and everything. Her mother was, quite easily, her best friend in the world, and when things were still good and normal... she couldn't imagine living life without her. Of course, it wasn't long before she had to figure out the answer to that and turn around and adjust. The day her mother died was a day Andie ceased to function, keeping to herself for weeks and refusing to deal with most other people, aside from her boyfriend and sisters. And the former? Yeah, what a bad decision that turned out to be, since he would just end up breaking her heart not too long after. With her mother gone, her boyfriend gone, and her life completely out of her hands, Andie'd become a bitter and cynical recluse, not wanting anybody in her life other than her sisters and her father. That was all she wanted. That was all she wanted. Anybody else could go to hell.
When she got out of the car near her mother's gravesite., her hand was pressed against her forehead as she leaned her back against the car door. Her eyes were tightly shut again as she took in a few deep breaths before opening the door again, reaching into the passenger's side of the car for the flowers that she had brought with her. Taking in a deep breath, she waited a moment before locking the car door and shoving the keys in her pocket, crossing the freshly mowed grass until she reached her mother's headstone. She quietly sat the flowers down and stared for a few moments before dropping to her knees and shaking her head softly. "Hi mom," she finally spoke up, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry I didn't come by on Mother's Day. I just -- I couldn't do it, you know? I've never really been able to do it. Not on... not on that day." There was a pause as she laughed gently. "Remember that Mother's Day when I was like, five? And I made that drawing of what the family was like then? That was the same year Ari was born. Our family... our family was finally complete." Clearing her throat lightly she sat back onto her heels. "And I remember one year I made this ceramic... cup. God, it looked awful. I tried to paint it red with black and white stripes and, for some reason, I poked holes in it. Not deep enough it couldn't be used for anything, but still holes. You used it as a ring dish... I still have no idea what it was supposed to be."
Laughing a little, her blonde hair fell into her face, but she made no move to move it away. "Delaney got a jeep the other day. It's kind of amazing. Really cheap too, so Daddy's thrilled. As usual, she's kicking the ass of every boy that she knows. Some things never change, huh? We've been working on the club a lot too. Rissy especially! She's doing a fantastic job with it. It's a nice distraction from her boyfriend or whatever it is at the moment." A pause. "We found Ari's prince, too. Yeah! Well, Rissy found him first, I think. I don't know if Ari knows who he is yet, but we found him. He's been going out with Allie a lot -- isn't that great? I think it, and he, is really good for her. He's a sweet boy." She swallowed hard again before going on. Sometimes, talking came easy, like it did right then. She could talk about her sisters. Herself? Not so much. "I haven't been doing all that much, unfortunately. I did go out with this really sweet boy a couple of months ago. He gave me this amazing birthday dinner and present. I guess... I guess he's been busy, since I haven't really heard from him since. Nothing happened and I don't think I did anything wrong... so I don't know. Maybe it was just a pick-me-up sort of thing."
Such was the luck of Andrea Anderson.
Her legs were getting a little uncomfortable now, she moved so she was sitting directly on the ground, legs sprawled to the side as she pulled and tugged at a bit of the grass. "I wish you were here, mom. I -- we need you. Things just haven't been the same since you left. It's not that I don't trust Daddy or the other girls or don't think they'd understand... but I could tell you anything and know you wouldn't overreact or judge or anything like that. You know how they can be. Act now, think later. Maybe if I had you to talk to after... well, we've had that discussion before. No need to bring up the details again. But maybe if you had been there, things would be different now. Maybe I'd be moved out with a friend or dating or hell. Maybe I'd be married. I remember having my whole wedding planned out when I was ten. It was going to be on a beach, of course, with everybody wearing white. Lots of tropical and fruity foods. Nothing that would ruin clothing, of course. There was going to be a live band and..." A sigh. "Maybe someday. I don't know. I'll be lucky if I get a date, let alone a happily ever after."
Chewing on her lip, she fell silent again, and this time it lasted for a good while. She came here as often as her heart and body could handle it and it seemed like she repeated the same thing every. Time. Only with a few more details added or taken out each. It was a good way to get things off of her chest and out into the open. "I miss you, mom," she finally said quietly as she looked down at her lap, feeling her chest clenching up again. "I miss you so much. Things have never been the same since... since you died. They just haven't. Going through high school and college was so tough and I don't blame you one bit. I just wish you could've been there. Seeing all of those girls shopping with their mother, their mother dropping them off, chatting with their mother between classes... it was so weird. My roommate used to call her mother all the time and I remember wishing I still had you to talk to. I guess this is good enough, huh?" A pause. "I know you're still here and watching us, mom. I know it all the time. You'd never totally leave us..."
Her eyes were welling up now and she squeezed them shut rather tightly and tried to will them away, but it was a little too late. Tears were already running down her cheeks and, angrily, she wiped her hands against her face to brush them away. She? Hated when she cried. Hated it. Somebody else, fine. She couldn't stand her own tears, but right now they were streaming down her face and she stood up, smoothing her skirt out. "I have -- I have to go now. I promised I'd help someone out... but I'll be back later." A beat. "I love you, mom."
Quickly whirling around on her heel, she made her way back to the car, determined to calm herself before getting back home.