(Mercury) What: her telling him that she cheated. Where: David's apartment When: Saturday, April 19, 2008 - morningish Status: Complete Log Rating: PG-13 at the most
Oh, God.
Four times Emma had rushed into the restroom at the back of the plane, hunched over the toilet and expelled the contents of her stomach. Four times in three hours and she still couldn't stop herself from gagging. It wasn't the flight. She wished she could've blamed her sudden illness on turbulence but she couldn't. It was cold, hard guilt. There was a huge seed of guilt floating around in her stomach, knocking her insides about and every time she thought about what she'd done, she felt so disgusted with herself that she literally gagged.
After landing in New York, Emma had headed straight for the nearest restroom and tried to freshen up but there wasn't enough water in the city of New York to wash away what she'd done. She looked neat and tidy several minutes later when she exited the airport and hailed a cab but she still felt filthy... like she would never be clean again.
It felt like hours had passed when she was dropped off in front of David's apartment building and she stood there for several moments more just staring up at the blank windows that faced the street.
Was it too late to just go back home to Boston and pretend none of this had ever happened?
Hanging her head, she slowly dragged her suitcase into the building, then, into the elevator and pressed the button for his floor. Once she arrived at his door, she stood there, staring at the peephole for another five minutes before she actually managed to work up the courage to knock.
It took everything in her not to start bawling as she patiently waited for him to answer the door. She knew that she didn't deserve to cry, though. She'd made her bed and now it was time to lay in it.
David looked up in surprise when he hear a knock on his door. It wasn't often that he had unexpected visitors and he hadn't been expecting anyone to drop by. Which was probably why he was in sweats and a t-shirt at the moment.
His confused expression turned to happiness as he pulled open the door, though. "Emma! What are you doing here?" he asked, not even waiting for an answer before he pulled her into an almost crushing embrace.
Seconds later, his lips were pressed to hers. Did it really matter why she was here? David was too happy to see his girlfriend to care about the reason right now.
Emma was seriously considering just blurting everything out the instant he opened the door but that plan was completely foiled when he opened the door and instantly pulled her into his arms. God, she'd missed him so much and it felt so good to be in his arms... even when she could only think about how she'd never be in those arms again.
Why had she screwed it all up? Was she really that much of a whore? Was she seriously incapable of keeping her legs closed? She wanted David a million times more than she'd ever wanted Jase... couldn't she have waited? Even with the alcohol, she should have been able to resist.
Before she could say anything at all, his lips were on hers. She knew that she should pull away and force him to listen to her but there was a voice in the back of her head telling her that she'd never be able to kiss him again... telling her that she should enjoy it while she could.
It was against everything in her but she returned his kiss and wrapped her arms tightly around him, clinging to him tightly as she fought the tears that were licking the backs of her eyelids.
David, of course, had no idea she was upset. When she clung to him, he assumed it was because she was as happy to see him and he was to see her. Which was very, very happy.
The material he'd been studying on was forgotten on his desk as he pulled her deeper into the kiss, pulling her into the apartment and kicking the door shut behind her.
His hands moved into her hair and then down to her shoulders, over her arms and sides and a low groan died against her lips and he lost track of everything but how good it felt to have her right here. It was the best kind of surprise and David would much rather be showing her how happy he was to see her than question why she'd shown up so unexpectedly.
Emma had missed him. She'd missed him more than she'd ever thought possible and that was part of the reason she was clinging so tightly to him. David was sure to hate her for this later but she couldn't pull away. She knew that it was the right thing to do, but she just couldn't. It felt so good to be near him after two weeks of practically nothing that all she wanted to do was get closer... as close as she could possibly be.
It wasn't about getting off or how he could make her feel. She just had to be near him one last time. She had to see that look he gave her when they were making love once more, so that she could burn it into her memory.
Her arms tightened around him and her lips seemed to take on a life of their own as she returned his kiss. For now, she would force it all down and just be with him. He could be hers for one last time and, then, she'd accept what ever punishment he saw fit to give her.
David pulled her just as close as he could as he started walking them back to his bedroom. He hadn't seen her in far too long and it should have been obvious in the way he was kissing and touching her that he'd missed her a lot.
He was just as thorough as usual and he didn't stop until they were both completely sated.
"Mmmm, really glad you're here, love," he mumbled as he pressed a kiss to her head when they finally collapsed against one another.
It felt like he made love to her for hours, worshiping every inch of her, just like he always had. Somewhere through it all, she forgot why she was upset, she forgot anything that wasn't how amazing it was to be close to him after so long.
Emma hadn't slept in over twenty-four hours and when they finally collapsed against one another she was sated and thoroughly exhausted.
"I've missed you so much," she murmured sleepily. "I love you."
She fell asleep in his arms, then, a faint euphoric feeling washing over her just before she lost consciousness. For the moment, Emma had never been happier.
When she awoke several hours later, that smile was still on her face. God, it felt good to be close to him and she found herself breathing a sigh of happiness... until a brick of dread dropped into her stomach.
After the time with David, everything else had felt so much like a dream... a nightmare... something that could be forgotten in his arms. That wasn't the case, though, and that realization broke her heart. She would have to tell him what she'd done when he woke up. There was no other way around it.
Not wanting the moment to end, she laid perfectly still with her head rested on his chest and she listened to his heart beat. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
'I love you, David. I'm sorry.' She played the words over and over in her head, hoping that, if nothing else, his heart would hear them.
David was still smiling when he woke to that weight on his chest. It was getting to be familiar enough that he missed it when she wasn't with him and he was mumbling something about how much he'd missed her even before he'd opened his eyes.
He pulled her closer, just breathing in her scent for a moment, reaching over to brush some of the hair from her face.
'Mmm, morning beautiful," he murmured, brushing a soft kiss over her lips. Why had he fought this so much again? Having Emma with him.. these moments.. were worth the times he had to miss her. He must have been crazy to ever think it could be anything less than amazing and right.
Emma heard it when his breathing changed from the slow, rhythmic pattern that indicated sleep and she closed her eyes and willed it to drop off again, hoping that she would get just a little while longer with him.
If only she'd been so lucky.
She didn't fight him when he stirred and pulled her closer. It felt good to be wrapped warmly in his embrace and she never wanted that to end.
"Morning," she answered, returning the kiss but being sure to keep it short and sweet so that she wouldn't get lost in him again.
After laying there a few more moments, she finally spoke, this time with purpose showing in her soft tone.
"Baby, keep your eyes closed," she requested quietly, knowing that she couldn't do this if he was looking at her. "I... I need to tell you something." Already, it felt as if her heart was being ripped from her chest. She knew that he was going to pull away but if she could just hold him to the very last minute, maybe she could get through this. As soon as the words left her mouth, tears began to drip down her cheek. This was it... there was no more putting it off.
"I... I screwed up, baby," she finally managed. "I screwed up badly." Her arms tightened around him, keeping him from pulling back to look at her. There was really no other way to say it than to just say it so... she pushed forward. "I went to see Brooke for her birthday and I had a few too many drinks." She knew that she shouldn't make excuses but he had to know that she hadn't done this all on her own. "There was this guy flirting... and I.. I.. screwed up." God help her if she had to spell it out more clearly than that. She was sure to hyperventilate if she did. "I'm sorry," she finally managed, her voice cracking with a sob. "I'm so sorry."
Instantly, her arms when slack around him, and she laid there, waiting for him to push her away. This was killing her, knowing that she was about to lose him, and she hoped that he'd do it quickly... maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if he did it quickly.
David was confused by her request, but something in his tone made him do as she'd asked. Her explanation didn't really help. It did a little, but.. it was so vague. Screwed up? What did she mean by that?
He wasn't angry. He wasn't even really upset right now, because he hadn't quite processed what she was telling him. And then she let out that sob and rather than push her away, his arms tightened around her.
"Shhh, Em, don't cry. Just.. tell me what happened.. what are you trying to say?" His own voice caught there and he wasn't sure he really wanted an answer, but he had to know, didn't he? If they were to get through this, he had to know what had happened.
Oh, God.
She'd barely gotten it out the first time. She didn't know how she was going to repeat it, much less elaborate. She couldn't breathe. She was certain, right then, that she couldn't breathe.
The arms that were meant to be comforting around her broke her heart even more. How could she have done this to them? To him? He was so amazing and everything she'd imagined her Prince Charming would be. How could she do this?
"Oh, God, David," she sobbed, her breaths coming raggedly. "There were drinks and I drank too many. Then this guy was there and..." She couldn't say it. She felt like she would vomit if she did. "...and I had sex with him, David. I screwed up."
There. Nothing about that could be misunderstood. She braced herself for his reaction.
For a long moment, David could only hold her, could only process that Emma was crying and he needed to make it better somehow. Her words cut through that haze of protectiveness, though, and he felt a clenching in his gut as he realized what she was saying.
I had sex with him...
David felt like he'd been sucker-punched in the gut right about now and he shook his head as he pulled back enough to look at her, the hurt in his eyes showing through no matter how much he tried to hide it.
As much as he hadn't wanted to hold her back, he hadn't expected this. He'd never been cheated on before. They'd always just dumped him when they got tired of waiting. Then again, he'd never loved a girl the way he loved Emma, either.
David sucked in a long breath, trying to work through this, to figure out what to do now. He loved her, he did, in spite of what she'd just told him.
"Shhh, baby, it's okay. Don't cry," he begged her, pulling her back into a tighter embrace. "Please don't cry, Em.."
Emma couldn't possibly feel worse. She couldn't kick herself any harder. She was a whore. That's all she'd ever been and that all she would ever be. Anything he could've thought to call her would've been mild when compared to what she was calling herself. She really was just a skank that couldn't keep her legs closed.
Once she'd finally manage to say it, to tell him what she'd done, she was sobbing and gasping so deeply that her chest ached. It felt as if her ribs were caving in on her lungs. She couldn't breathe, her stomach was churning... she couldn't have possible been more disgusted with herself.
When he pulled back to look at her, she could see the hurt in his eyes and it only made her cry harder. How could she have done this to him? How could she give this up for one night with him?
Emma slumped against his chest when his arms tightened around her again. "It's not alright, David," she protested. "Didn't you... God, didn't you hear how disgusting I am? Didn't you hear how much of a whore I am? How can..."
The urge to be sick washed over her, then, but she swallowed it back, afraid that if she pulled away long enough to vomit, it would be the end and he'd never touch her again.
David kept shaking his head, fighting to keep his voice calm when all he really wanted to do was join her crying.
"You're not a whore, Em. You could never be disgusting, not to me.. you just.. you made a mistake, right?" David was fighting desperately to keep from showing just how hurt he was. He just couldn't take her being so upset. He couldn't take her beating herself up over this.
His thumb rubbed over her cheek, wiping at the tears even as new ones fell. "Please don't cry, baby," he pleaded with her, trying to get her to calm down.
Emma had hoped to do this without emotion but that was impossible now that she was with him. She knew that she should calm down, that she shouldn't be dumping all of these emotions on him but she couldn't help herself. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get herself under control.
This morning, she'd woken up happier than she had been in weeks and now it was all crumbling around her.
"I am," she protested weakly.
The longer she laid there, the further the bile crawled up her throat. She tried to swallow it down but she simply couldn't any more.
"Oh, God," she sobbed, instantly breaking out of his embrace. "I'm gonna be sick." With that, she jumped from the bed and ran into the bathroom, hastily trying to throw the door closed behind her.
She hadn't eaten anything in almost forty-eight hours and, before she could get to her knees, the dry heaves were wracking through her body. She half stood, half knelt until she'd finally, finally gagged a small amount of stomach bile into the toilet.
Weak from the exertion, she leaned her head against the seat of the toilet and just... breathed. She felt so horrible about this that she'd made herself physically ill. God, could it just be over, already?
David followed her into the bathroom, holding her hair as she heaved, murmuring soft assurances in her ear. It killed him that she'd made herself sick over this. Maybe that was why he couldn't find it in him to be angry right now. Seeing Emma in obvious pain just made him want protect her, to make it better.
Once she was done, he leaned over to grab a washcloth, running it under the faucet before kneeling beside her again. He pressed the wet cloth gently to her face as he ran his fingers through her hair, continuing with his whispered reassurances.
A moment later, he moved to fill a cup with some water, nudging her lightly. "C'mon, baby, drink this.."
For the life of her, Emma couldn't understand why he was doing these things for her... why he was at her side, holding her hair, whispering his reassurances. Why wasn't he yelling at her? Why wasn't he kicking her out of his apartment? As much as she hated to admit it, things might have been easier if he would be mad with her. As it was, it just broke her heart more to see that she'd done something completely horrible and ruined something so very amazing.
Emma leaned into the cool wash cloth that he pressed to her face and she sighed at it combated the rush of warmth that had covered her body when she'd vomited.
When he returned with the cup of water, she tilted it up to her head and took several deep swallows. She pulled the cup away, then, and rested it in her lap. After everything, she was a considerable amount calmer than she had been and she sat there, silently looking into her lap. "I'm sorry," she apologized, this time for everything... for being a whore, for getting sick, for dumping this all on him. "I'm so sorry."
David did these things for her because he loved her. Nothing she'd done had changed that. He still felt compelled to care for her, to make sure she was alright and she couldn't ruin that. Even if this between them didn't work out, David would always be there for her.
She seemed calmer now, and David smiled as he noted that. Seeing her so hysterical had broken his hear far more than what she'd done.
"I'm sorry, too," he answered after a long pause when she started to apologize again. He reached out to brush a hand over her cheek before pulling it away and standing. He held the hand out for her to take, nodding back towards the other room.
"C'mon, Em.. let's sit, alright?" he suggested.
The second David apologized, she began adamantly shaking her head. "No, baby. Don't apologize. You've nothing to be sorry for. I.. it's all me... I'm just... I'm a..."
Emma allowed her words to trail off. There were so many things she could fill that blank with and, right now, none of them seemed harsh enough. She was a whore. She was a slut. While those titles definitely fit, they didn't express the magnitude of what she'd done.
After several deep breaths, she gave him a nod. "Alright," she agreed. She slipped her hand into his but she pressed a palm into the toilet seat and weakly lifted herself from the floor.
Under any other circumstances, she would've stood close and allowed him to support her weight as they changed rooms. As it was, she tried to keep her distance, not wanting to crowd him. Why would he want to be near her after what she'd done? She didn't even want to be near herself.
David didn't agree with that. They'd gotten into this relationship together and he'd known it had been selfish. This here only showed how much. As much as he hated the thought of her with someone else, seeing her so upset over it was so much worse.
She may have been keeping her distance, but David wanted no part of that. He pulled her close as he walked her back out to his sofa, keeping her close even as they sat down.
"I love you, Emma," he began, softly brushing his lips over her forehead as he pulled her against his chest. It seemed important to say right now, but he was also stalling a little, struggling between what he wanted and what was best for her.
The relationship hadn't been selfish, she was the selfish party. Emma had slept with someone else because she had been drunk and lonely. If it wasn't for her, their relationship would still be fine.
Emma had been trying to keep her distance as they made their way into the living room but once he pulled her close, she all but melted into his side. His words, no matter how amazing it was to still hear them, brought tears to her eyes and she shook her head.
"I love you, David," she returned softly, her voice hitching. She'd cheated and now it was time to deal with the consequences. Regardless of the kiss to the forehead and how closely he was holding her, she braced herself for the worst.
She'd waited her entire life for true love and, in a matter of two months, she'd destroyed it. That had to be a world record, or something.
David was a little surprised to hear her return the words. She hadn't said them before and he hadn't been sure if she did, though he'd also been trying not to push her to return those feelings. Hearing her say it, though? That made David momentarily forget any doubts he was having over whether this could work.
"Good," he mumbled, turning his face to press an affectionate kiss to her cheek. Of course, that blissful amnesia was only temporary and after a moment, he pulled back and sighed.
"I can't pretend it doesn't bother me, Em. I can't pretend I don't absolutely loathe the idea of some other guy touching you or kissing you or.." he trailed off. Talking about the details of what had or hadn't gone on wasn't going to be helpful for either of them right now.
"But.. I do love you. And I don't want to.. I don't want to lose you."
Emma loved him. It had taken until now to realize just how much she loved him but she did love him. It was silly but she'd been shy about saying it... actually saying it... but that didn't mean it wasn't true.
When his lips pressed to her cheek, she leaned into that affectionate gesture. So much of her had been afraid that he'd instantly grow to hate her and it was comforting to know that he hadn't.
She winced at his words. "I'm sorry, David," she apologized again. "If I could take it back, I would. If I could undo it, I would in a second. I didn't... the thought of what I did turns my stomach. I was just so drunk and... I'm so sorry."
The details of what had happened were unimportant but she couldn't stop it from running through her head repeatedly... the parts she could remember, anyway.
"I don't want to lose you, either," she admitted, "but... I'd understand if you never wanted... if you never wanted to tou...see...anything with me again."
"I know, baby, I know." Emma was getting upset again, not that he blamed her and David wanted to reassure her. He knew how sorry she was - that much had been obvious from the moment she'd told him what had happened. If he knew nothing else, he knew she was sorry it had happened.
He shook his head as she kept going, bringing a hand to her cheek and pulling her into a brief, soft kiss. "No, Em, I'm not.. you made a mistake, but I think you're punishing yourself enough for the both of us, don't you?"
His hand brushed over her cheek again as he smiled at her, but then his expression grew serious again. "I want to be with you, Emma.. if that's still what you want..."
Emma felt as if she couldn't make that point clear enough. She wasn't proud of herself. She wasn't happy with herself. She was so very disappointed and completely disgusted. David deserved so much better than her. She'd thought it several times since they'd started dating but, now, that thought was cemented in her head. He deserved a girl who could be faithful, regardless of the amount of alcohol involved. He deserved a girl who would die rather than get herself into the situation Emma had gotten herself into.
She returned his kiss but the second he pulled away, she was shaking her head. "I deserve so much worse," she murmured. "I deserve... I can't even think of anything horrible enough." As grateful as she was to hear that he didn't hate her, that he didn't want to push her out of his life, she felt like he was going entirely too soft on her.
As his hand stroked softly over her cheek, she leaned her face into the touch and took a deep, slow breath. "Of course it's what I want but... it's not what I should have. You shouldn't even be sitting here with me right now, David. You should have kicked me out as soon as I told you. You deserve so much better."
Surely he had to know this. He was an amazing, intelligent man. He had to know that he deserved better than Boston College's slut cheerleader.
He didn't see her that way, though. David didn't see her as a slut or even as just a cheerleader. Emma was beautiful, intelligent, fun. David loved her for who she was and the fact that she'd been honest with everything, that she'd told him what had happened and she so obviously regretted it said a lot about her character, too. She was definitely the kind of girl he wanted, the only girl he wanted at the moment.
"You've got to stop beating yourself up over this, love," he argued, letting his thumb rub soothing circles over her cheek as he leaned his forehead against hers. "And I'm not going to kick you out. In fact.. I'd love if you stayed awhile longer, because I've missed you."
He pulled back again to look at her, wanting to make sure she heard him. "You don't have to be perfect, Em. I'm not dating you because I think you're perfect and.. I'm not going to stop loving you over one mistake, either."
Emma didn't usually see herself as a slut. She loved her life. She loved her personality. Right now, though, she was so down on herself for what she'd done that it was easy to pick out all of her faults.
"I feel horrible," she murmured. "I can't take it back and it makes me feel sick on the inside." He might be right, she probably did need to stop beating herself up. She just didn't know how she was supposed to do that when she'd done something so awful.
"Are you sure?" she questioned when he told her that he wanted her to stay a little while longer. "I booked my flight for tomorrow, in case you kicked me out. If you can... if you want to fly me back, I'll stay as long as you want me to."
She was wincing slightly when he pulled back to look at her. "It was a huge mistake, though," came her soft protest. Honestly, she didn't know why she was arguing with him. It wasn't like she wanted him to hate her. If she had any sense, she'd accept what he was saying and kiss him.
"I'm sure." Rather than reassure her again that he didn't hate her or that she shouldn't be so hard on herself, he focused on reassuring her that he did want her there with him.
"I can do that.. fly you back," he added, smiling as his hand moved over her cheek again.
He shook his head at her protests. "It doesn't matter, love. You know it was a mistake. And I'm not going to punish you for it.. not when I'd be punishing me, too."
Another smile and then he was brushing his lips over hers, letting the kiss linger for a bit. "Now what do you say we go back to bed?" he suggested softly. "Unless you'd rather get some breakfast?"
Emma could have easily slipped into hysterics again. She felt horrible about what she'd done and he didn't appear to be remotely angry with her. Every part of her was certain that he should be mad with her, that he should literally pick her up and throw her out of the door. Yet, here he was, asking her to stay and rubbing his hand gently over her cheek.
"I..." she began to argue again but forced herself to stop. If he wanted her to stay, she couldn't spend the rest of their time together trying to convince him to hate her.
She leaned into the gentle hand on her cheek and forced a smile. Even her currently melancholy couldn't stop her from returning his kiss, though. She pressed her lips to his, lingering in the kiss for as long as she could.
"No food," she practically groaned. "Going back to bed sounds really nice, though."
After her previous bout of nausea, she wasn't really interested in food but who could blame her for that?
David didn't blame her for that, even if he knew she needed to eat something. He'd worry about that later, though.
"Alright, let's go, then," he smiled and helped her up from the couch, pulling her close as he led them back to the bedroom. He had to let go long enough for them to crawl back into the bed, but then he was pulling her close again, ready to just hold her until she fell back asleep.
David wasn't exactly tired, but she needed to rest. She still looked exhausted and he imagined some more sleep would make her feel a lot better. Then maybe they could get back up and work on enjoying the brief, unexpected visit. That was his basic plan, anyway.
[OOC: We threaded this ages ago because we knew this day was quickly approaching. Yay for logging things in advance?]