Title: The Truth About Teddy Pairing: Snape/Lupin Warning: not entirely DH compatible in terms of character survival. Also, Teddy is born in January, not April, and is about four months old in this story. Summary: Whatever you think about Teddy Lupin is wrong. Really. I should know. Note: this is a birthday gift for _lore, who wanted it. Enjoy!
It's all my dear Auntie Bella's fault, you know.
No, really. If she hadn't hexed me just before poor Cousin Sirius went through the Veil, I wouldn't have lost my morphing powers, and if I'd been able to morph I never would have had to pretend that I was in love with Remus, and -
You - you weren't in love with him? Ever?
For the last time, no! He's a nice enough bloke, but I like men who like women, if you know what I mean. Besides, he was at Hogwarts when my Dad was a prefect, just as a firstie, but still! It's like poor Princess Di, you know, the idea of me falling for him. A little creepy if you ask me, no insult intended.
It's all right, Dora. I couldn't believe it when Molly all but threw you at me.
Neither could I, but what's done is done. Besides, it was easier than me pretending to pine after Charlie. He's a lovely fellow but those gym queen magazines are sort of a tip-off, aren't they?
Anyway, this is what really happened, and how I spent a year pretending to be in love with Remus and then another year pretending to be Remus. It'll all make sense, Harry. I promise.
I - I don't know what to say.
For once in your life, Potter, kindly shut up and let someone else do the talking. I would like to hear the whole story since it seems that I'm confined to this ridiculous excuse for a hospital ward for the next forty-eight hours.
You might be the bravest man I ever met, but you're a right git, Snape.
The feeling is entirely -
Both of you! Quiet!
Thank you. Now. Ready for Auntie Tonks' Story Time Theatre? Good. Here we go -
I first knew something was wrong when I woke up in St. Mungo's and I couldn't change my hair. Mum always told me that there was nothing wrong with my natural hair color, and God (or my genes, or someone) had designed me that way and I should be happy with it, but as soon as I figured out that I could change it to something else, I did. Blue, pink, purple, green, red (you should have seen me at the MLE Christmas Party three years ago when I did red and green, with metallic gold points!) - you name it, I did it. By the time I joined the Order having non-brown hair was second nature.
I wasn't surprised that it was back to natural when I woke up. I knew I'd taken a couple of bad hits, including one that sounded pretty nasty from my dear, dear aunt, and I was that glad she hadn't turned me into a crup. I waited until the Matron had gone to check on Ron Weasley (and just how did he get over having his brain munched on? No, Hermione, you can tell me later. Really) and sort of staggered out of bed and into the loo to take a piss. Matron wanted me to use a bedpan "to check the specimen's color and quantity," but there was no way I was going to give her the satisfaction. If she wanted a urine sample she'd have to ask politely, not order me to pee on command.
Anyway. I went into the loo, did my business, and then took a good look at myself. I was pale, yes, and my eyes were bloodshot, and I was sure I'd lost some weight. And my hair was limp, greasy, and the color of a field mouse. Definitely not me.
I gave Bella the two-fingered salute, ran my hands through my hair to spike it, and then concentrated. I'd liked that hot pink, a lot, and I wanted it back before anyone besides Matron saw me.
Nothing.
I grabbed the sink and stared at myself, and then I tried again. And again. And with different colors, even the blonde I'd had to wear for an undercover assignment once that made me think of Auntie Narcissa and her overbred whelp.
I resent that. I am not overbred, and -
Who let him in? Snape, if you -
Don’t look at me, Nymphadora. I'm still officially convalescing.
My money's on Pomfrey, or that dreadful Parkinson girl - oh, none of that! The only way you get to stay, Cousin , is if you wipe that sneer off your face and behave like a proper little gentleman. Got it?
I suppose.
Good. Watch him, Harry, and if he starts making gagging sounds, turn him into something small and ugly.
Where was I? That's right - I couldn't change my hair color, and that meant I couldn't morph. And it wasn't just my hair. I tried everything: nose, eyes, height, tits, hands…everything and anything, and no matter how hard I tried, it was plain old mouse-haired Tonks staring back at me.
It was unnerving, it was. I hadn't been this boring since I was eleven. And since most of my assignments for the MLE required me to change my appearance, I was in big, big trouble.
I must have been at it for an hour or so, because the next thing I knew I was face down on the bathroom floor and Matron was casting a mobilicorpus on me and muttering some nonsense about patients who didn't know their limits. I tried to tell her what I was trying to do but she doesn't seem to have read my medical records, because the old cow snorted when I told her that I couldn't morph and told me to lie down and have a nice nap. Then, when I asked if I could see Remus, him being a Dark Arts specialist and me being the victim of a Dark curse, she put her hands on her hips and gave me the sort of look that peels paint from the wall, and told me that if I didn't lie down and have a nice nap, she'd pour a sleeping potion down my throat and not give me supper.
Well! I was that mad, I was. I started yelling for Remus, and that was when Molly Weasley showed up, and -
I was wondering how that started. Molly is a good woman, but she's known me long enough that I was sure she'd figured out that I was seeing Severus.
Why? It wasn't as if we went skipping arm in arm down the Royal Mile before Ascot.
Severus, she caught us snogging in the pantry over Christmas.
Was that the time you claimed we were drunk? Or -
You know, you can have your first post-war fight after Teddy's had his nap. Do you really want him to start yelling again?
Didn't think so.
To get back to how the Great Romance started - you've probably guessed what happened next. Molly decided that I was moping for Remus, not wanting to pick his brains. She patted me on the shoulder and told me that if I was persistent enough Remus could come round, and that I could talk to her any time I wanted.
Now, I knew all about Remus and Snape. I was there when Molly caught them in the pantry, and unlike Molly, I didn't believe they'd been drinking. Also unlike Molly, I didn't much care if they were queer. One of my best friends from school joined a matriarchal lesbian commune in Devon the second she finished her NEWTS, and if I didn't like men I would have joined her. Very sensible and relaxing place, it is.
So if Remus and Snape were seeing each other on the sly, it was none of my business. I think Sirius suspected that you two were more than comrades in arms, but a few well-timed locking spells and -
Ah. That's why my bedroom door kept locking itself behind us.
That would be correct. Sirius was such a mess toward the end that I wasn't sure what he'd do if he walked in and found the two of you together.
That's also why I thought we could work something out after Molly decided that I was moping after you. I keep your secret, and you let me pretend to be your former girlfriend even though you had a boyfriend. I figured that if I played up the "woe is me, Remus dumped me and went off to play with the werewolves, boo-hoo I'm too depressed to morph" thing enough, Kingsley wouldn't stick me on desk duty and keep me away from any field assignments, and then Remus could mope after Snape and pretend it was because of me.
It worked, too.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I missed not being able to morph, missed it something awful. I couldn't believe how dull I looked, just me and my nasty brown hair. I whinged a lot, and I read a lot of Mills & Boon's finest, and I ate too many choccies until I remembered that Whizzo's Best gives me spots. But pretending I was doing it for the Man of My Dreams at least kept me working, even if I annoyed everyone but Molly.
I'm that glad you went along with it, Remus. Any time you need a babysitter, just ask.
Thank you, Dora. You know, the unrequited romance worked both ways. Everyone assumed I was missing you, not Severus. It was a brilliant plan.
Of course it was, I came up with it, didn't I?
Oh, for the love of Merlin.
If you could think of something better, I'd be obliged. No? Didn't think so.
Anyway, it all went the way we planned it. I was moping for Remus, and Remus was moping for me, and it wasn't until just before Albus pulled the trigger on his assisted suicide that I realized something had gone off.
Was that when you found out that Remus was - was -
What else was I supposed to think when I walked in on him puking his guts up? Werewolves have cast iron stomachs, even civilized ones, and there was nothing wrong with the fish Molly served the night before. Besides, I'd done a case study on Prudentius Frump for my NEWTS class in Dark Arts. One look at the pudge Remus shouldn't have had, and then the moon calendar, and I knew exactly what had happened in April.
You knew more than I did, Dora. I'd completely forgotten about poor Frump.
If I hadn't done that case study, I would have thought it was the flu until you really started to show, even though I knew about Snape being a wolf animagus.
He's - wait a minute, the doe -
Your mother was my dearest childhood friend, Potter. That doesn't mean I was in love with her.
Your memories - your patronus -
You saw what I wanted you to see. Besides, do you know any other man with a female patronus? Lily was like a sister to me, but once I saw Evan Rosier bend over in the shower it was all over in terms of girls for me.
But a wolf? I thought one couldn't direct one's animagus form!
One can when one's teacher is a werewolf who also happens to be one's lover. See, Granger is nodding so it must be true.
Urgh.
It's all right, Harry. I didn't believe it myself until Remus told me that Snape had decided to do it so they could be together during the moon. Neither of them knew that if they mated whichever one bottomed could get pregnant - poor Prudentius was considered a fluke, and it's not as if Binns teaches a unit on him except by request. I think I was the only student to ask about him in at least fifty years.
Prudentius Frump? Father always said that was a myth!
Your father, of all people, should know better. After all, Prudentius was part Malfoy on his mother's side, not that him getting up the duff by Dilby Dicewad had anything to do with that. There's a portrait of him in your scullery, you know. I practiced up for my Sneaking and Skulking exam by breaking in so we could have a little chat.
You what? The wards won't let a Mudblood - a Muggleborn through!
That's what your father thinks.
Professor?
I helped to design those wards, boy. Do you really think I'd bar myself? Besides, Nymphadora is a Black on her mother's side. Blood will out.
So does being sneaky, if that makes any sense. Besides, Prudentius was lonely. No one except the elves had talked to him in years. Nice chap, you should make his acquaintance.
Must I?
Shut it, Malfoy. Unless you want to be a ferret again.
Sod off, Potter.
Quiet, both of you! Who's telling this story, you or me?
You aren't telling anything, you're rambling and -
Quietus!
Thanks, Hermione. You know, you seem less shocked by all this than the rest of them.
I knew something odd was going on when Remus slammed Harry against a wall and said he'd rather join us than be with you. Werewolves are too loyal for that, especially if their mate is pregnant.
So you'd figured it out?
Not completely, but I was fairly certain that one of you was an impostor.
If the mutual admiration society could please hold its meeting in the back of the hall? Poppy is due to shove more blood replenishing potion down my throat any minute.
You're right. Sorry, I'll try to hurry it up.
Where was I? That's right, I'd walked in on Remus having a nice bout of morning sickness. I'd been on my way to tell him that the curse was over since I'd been able to turn my fingernails blue without polish, and there he was, hunched over the loo and looking positively ghastly. I got him cleaned up and made him drink some sodium bicarb, and then I cast the diagnostic spell.
I'd had a few scares over the years, at least until I learned that Muggles had something that was much more reliable than potions, so I knew what I was doing. Even so, I damn near dropped my wand in the toilet when the test came up positive. Remus was definitely preggers, and what with the lycanthropy and him being biologically male, the only way he'd come through it was with regular contact with the father of the baby.
Which is why he was in such disgraceful condition when you finally got in touch with me. What took you so long, Nymphadora?
Let's see - you killing Albus and disappearing until school started might have had something to do with it.
Remus knew where I was.
I really wasn't in a position to show up at Spinner's End, love. Besides, we both had our parts to play.
That you did, and so did I.
I'm sorry I roughed you up that time, Harry, but it wasn't as if I had a choice. Remus was too sick by then to go out, so I morphed myself to look like him and took his place in the Order. It wasn't easy, especially when Mum came to visit and I had to cast a glamour so he'd look like me, but what was I supposed to do?
I told you that pregnancy wasn't nearly that dangerous for witches, Harry, especially for Aurors.
Don't gloat, Hermione.
I’m simply stating a fact.
She's right, Harry. Magic does a lot to make having babies easier for us than it is for Muggles. Unfortunately it's all sex-specific, so Remus had a miserable time of it until I managed to get word to Snape in - when was that, early September?
Yes. I was arguing with Albus when your patronus arrived, if you must know. He had the nerve to tell me that sherbet lemons would help. As if!
You know, we used to have bets running in the Hufflepuff Common Room that he owned stock in Sylvia Symington's Best Family Sweets. I swear he bought them by the case.
Anyway, things went a lot smoother after Snape arrived and started the energy transfer to Remus and Teddy. He still couldn't go out in public unless he was me, but it was either that or pretend that I'd been feeding him up so much that he'd finally put on weight, and I'm the worst cook in the Order by a mile.
Besides, pretty soon the only way we could've explained that belly was a glandular condition.
Did I really get that big? I know I felt enormous by the end, but -
It was strangely compelling. Round and firm and very -
You're a sick git, Snape.
That's not fair, Harry. Your father said something quite similar about your mother when she was pregnant with you.
I still think it's weird.
Just wait until Miss Weasley agrees to carry your spawn. Five galleons you bore your friends to tears rhapsodising about how lovely she is.
Why do I even bother? You lot -
I'm listening, Tonks, even if they aren't, and so is Remus.
Quite true, Dora. Severus, Harry? If you would?
I'd be delighted. And it wasn't Remus gaining weight that would have made people talk, it was the shape - Molly would have spotted it right away, and I'm sure she wasn't the only one. There's nothing quite so round as a pregnant belly, I'm afraid.
So. Remus bonded with my mother and got used to having people ask him if he was having twins, and I learned the Headmaster's secret passwords for dropping the castle wards so I could get Snape back before the Carrows noticed he was sneaking out a few times a week. We pre-recorded those Potterwatch broadcasts at home and I was Remus when anyone needed to see him, and everything was fine for while.
Oh, it wasn't perfect. We had to play musical glamours after Dad died so Mum and I could get through the funeral, and I swear I've never morphed so fast in my life as I did when she asked if she could feel my tum - she would have spotted a pillow right away. That's when I promised we'd name the baby after Dad if it was a boy, Remus. I'm sorry I didn't ask you first, but -
It's all right, Dora. Ted was a brave, loyal man.
Thanks. Sorry, could I have a tissue? I wish he'd lived long enough to see that we all made it.
Right. That's better.
The only other rough patch we had was when Teddy was born and we had to kidnap Madam Pomfrey and then obliviate her after she'd taken the baby and sealed Remus back up. Snape has a second-class Healer's License but I knew he wouldn't fancy performing the caesarian himself, not with his mate and son at stake.
Healers are not ethically allowed to treat their families.
Right. You being terrified that you'd kill them both had nothing to do with it.
Madam Pomfrey agreed with me.
I'm sure you're right, and that relaxation potion you kept swigging was actually water.
Well. You lot know what happened next: Teddy was born, Neville killed that bloody snake, and Voldemort was gone. I was pretty shocked when Remus turned up dead after the battle but a little moonlight did the trick, and after that it was just a matter of unlocking that second portrait of Albus to bring you back, Snape.
Wait a minute. SNAPE had a horcrux? In Professor Dumbledore's portrait?
Consider it revenge for twenty years of tooth-rotting sweets, Potter.
You're disgusting, Snape.
But brave. You said so yourself.
Albus could be terribly manipulative, Harry. He was a great wizard but he was far from perfect.
Yeah. I figured that out, Remus.
Took you long enough, you little -
Enough! Be glad you're all alive! There's been enough fighting!
She's right, Severus. We're alive and we have Teddy. You can argue with Harry later when you have all your blood back.
You have a point. It's past time my son got to know me.
He's quite amazing.
I've no doubt of it.
Oh God, don't do that in front of other people!
They're just kissing, Harry.
It's enough to make me wish I'd stayed dead!
You're such a ponce, Potter.
You little -
Silencio pueri!
Nice job, Hermione. Have you ever considered a career in the Corps? I'd be more than happy to put in a word for you.
I haven't decided yet. My parents want me to go to university for a year or two, but after that -
I hope you do. We need witches, and someone like you will be a star.
So, any questions? Oh, that's right. Harry and my dear little cousin can't talk, and it looks like the convalescents are bonding with their son. Shall we?
I'm not sure we should leave them alone.
They'll be fine. Madame Pomfrey is right here with everyone's meds. The day she can't handle Harry and Draco is the day she'll turn in her wimple or I'm a Ravenclaw.
Now, let me tell you about what it's like in the Aurors -