The Doctor hates Twitter (i_mthedoctor) wrote in surprise_logs, @ 2014-01-04 13:41:00 |
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Entry tags: | clara oswald (impossible_girl), eleventh doctor (i-mthedoctor) |
Who: The Doctor (11) and OPEN
Where: Observation
When: Saturday afternoon
What: Reflecting Doctor
Starlight was such an odd thing, the way they sat so still, twinkling in the distance, hanging as a moment of time, each one a reminder of the passage of time and the stillness of eternity. The light seen now, was millions of light years away, some of the stars long since dead, millions of years ago dead, and was only now beginning to be seen from their infancy millions of years later. Time in all its glory, sitting before him in such a simple little thing. Time the master of all, beaten by nothing; it would wage on even after the universe completely collapsed, it would be time that would eventually heal the wounds and reset things.
The Doctor smiled at the light that hung there, at the irony of calling himself a Time Lord. As if even they really had any true power over time; it eventually took them as well, hadn't it? Not him though, well not yet anyway, but it would. It would, because it was constantly picking away at him. He'd lost so much, seen so much, witnessed so much fading away, because time always won out. And yet he still tried to combat it, he tried to master it, knowing how feeble the attempt was: it was no wonder he was a Time Lord, because it was obvious he had their mentality even in his self-awareness. Yet, like for so many, time managed always to also heal. That was the saying right? Time healed all wounds, but that was a myth in and of itself.
Eventually, over time, moving forward and beyond his companions had been possible. Susan, Sarah Jane, Romana, Polly, Peri, Leela, K-9, and gods so many more. Jack, Vastra, Jenny more recently, the Brigadier... and then of course River. He closed his eyes at that thought, letting out a long breath. They'd all left a lasting impression on him, all a strong one, all a loving one. Some had perished, and been lost, some short-lived, some even coming to resent him, but it was the other ones he feared the most. The ones who revered him, who loved him; they were the ones he cherished of course, but they were also the most dangerous ones.
They left the strongest impressions and how could he forget them? He never could, never had really, they were all there every single one, etched on both of his hearts. But he was able to move on, to at least put a bandage over those wounds, but they were beginning to open up again. Rose, Amy, and now Donna and Clara... seeing each face was enough to bring joy to him. It also opened the heart up to a floodgate of emotions... Amelia was so strong, but hadn't any idea what was in store for her and Rory. He smiled, knowing they'd live out happily together, but it pained him to know he'd never see her again. He was seeing her now, yes, but her face reminded him so much of that time in the cemetary it hurt.
The hardest though, were Rose and Donna. Sure Rose dared to call him Doctor, but there was always hesitation in that word with her... he wasn't the two she knew. He wasn't the first or the last, he was the alien. The first 9, one through war, were just stories in history books to her, and he was much the same thing. An idea of the Doctor, but he'd always be 'the Doctor, but...' 'Yea he's the Doctor, but...' 'Oh he's also The Doctor, but...' and with Donna? Well she'd said it herself hadn't she? He couldn't be the Doctor, he wasn't 'The' Doctor.
It was so hard for him to not get jealous, or angry, or sad, and of course he was all of those things but he didn't need to show that. It wasn't fair; to them, or himself. It wasn't fair to his predecessor either. But those memories were his too, that guilt belonged to him just as much as his predecessor, what's worse, he'd broken the promise set by Ten in the first place. No more companions... because when he landed he saw little Amelia Pond and he wanted to show her the stars.
Then, of course, Clara. The woman who'd saved him all of his lives without him ever knowing it, the woman who cared for him on a level the Doctor couldn't comprehend--she cared for all of the regenerations because she'd known all of them on some level, she'd saved all of them. What's worse, he'd failed her twice. Yes he now traveled with her, currently even, but he'd watched her die twice. Each because he couldn't save her.
No it seemed time for him was a loop of the same mistakes, it didn't heal it only allowed him to let it pile on. Time was winning and would eventually pile enough on to eventually kill him outright.
A sigh left a cold breath against the window as he stared amongst the stars, before he drew to a seat, resting back to stare into the nebulas and dying and birthing stars from this one little tiny corner of the galaxy. Which was in its own little tiny corner of the Universe, in its own tiny little corner of the multiverse, all of it collapsing around them and him needing to stop it. Yet with him here wallowing in grief over the return of the impossible.
He just collapsed back into the seat, and rubbed at his eyes while letting his mind work on everything that was going on around him. Trying to get refocused on the task at hand. This was shaping up to be the biggest and toughest adventure yet.