Mrs. Maddie Hall (highoffoflove) wrote in supernextdoor, @ 2011-09-02 20:03:00 |
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Entry tags: | 09.01.11, anthony, anthony and maddie, maddie |
I found a reason for me, to change who I used to be
Who: Maddie and Anthony
What: Fighting
When: Thursday Evening
Where: Their home
Warnings: Domestic Violence
Anthony had been having a rough day. By the time five rolled around and he could go home, he was seething. Hank at the auto shop was at it again. Bitching and down his throat about every little thing. He pushed him more and more every single fucking day but he was getting close to pushing Anthony too far. If he made one more snide comment or whistled one more time when Maddie’s ringtone sounded from Anthony’s phone, he was going to shove him under a car and let the jack release. One more fucking time was all it would take.
When he got home, his mood hadn’t cooled down in the slightest. He didn’t see Maddie in the living room so he shut the door - or slammed it would really be more accurate - flung his keys to the table by the door and headed further into the house. His eyes scanned the room and the first thing he saw was a little white bag on the coffee table. Picking it up, he opened it and looked at the pill bottle. It had some fucked up name that he’d never heard of but it sure as shit didn’t look familiar. That wouldn’t have bothered him much, but the name on the bottle sent his rage spiralling. Adam Berkowitz. This Adam guy hadn’t ever been mentioned by Maddie and he didn’t like her being around men without him. Especially not when she went to the clinic which was usually birth control.
He didn’t want a man nosing around his woman no matter who he was or where he’d gone to school. What seemed to send him off into that rage, however, was the fact that Maddie hadn’t told him about it. That and the fact that she’d gone to the clinic when she was still bruised. “Maddie, you better hope to god that you’ve got a good explanation for this shit.” he said, already heading in the direction of the kitchen where he figured she would be.
Maddie was indeed in the kitchen, staring at a cup of tea. No more coffee for her for a while. No caffeine, no tuna fish, no a lot of things. She had gone to the doctor for a simple refill and had come home with news so huge and daunting, she was terrified.
That terror increased when she heard Anthony come in the door. The front door slammed and already she felt his anger. He must of had a bad day at work, which spelled for a bad night for her. It was the worst possible timing for him to come home in a bad mood. She was steeling herself, but it took him longer to come into the kitchen than she expected and she felt his anger turn into blind rage. Then she remembered she had dumped her new prescription on the coffee table before coming into the kitchen, not wanting to look at it just yet.
When he entered the kitchen she knew she was in for it. Maddie’s stood as soon as he came in. “Tony...” was all she could get out before her throat constricted. She was too scared to tell him. They had never talked about kids before and she was sure he was going to think she did it on purpose or something.
“Who the fuck is ‘Adam Berkowitz’?” was his first question, but he didn’t give her time to answer as he threw the bag with the pills inside on the table. “Why the fuck did you go out to the clinic today?” he questioned. “Are you too stupid to remember that you’re bruised to fucking hell?” he questioned. “Do you want me to go to prison?” he asked. “Is that what the fuck you’re going for because that’s what’s going to happen if you keep running off with bruises all over and I’m the only person you’re ever near. You should be smart enough to know to keep your ass at home like a good girl. And who is ‘Adam’? Why the hell are you seeing a male doctor? What happened to the female one? You know how I feel about guys touching you, especially fucking gyno doctors. What the hell were you thinking?”
Maddie didn’t even have time to answer any questions because he kept firing them at her. She grew more angry by the second, his emotions feeding into her as she got more pissed. “Dr. Delaney retired, Anthony!” she shouted back. “And I told you a month ago I had the damn appointment. I didn’t know they would change my doctor. And it wasn’t like I could change the appointment!” His rage was clouding her own mind, and it was still being on the emotional tide of Adam for earlier than day that had her telling the next bit. “Maybe if you weren’t such a fucking asshole I would be able to go out without worrying someone’s gonna see the bruises!” Maddie shoved him then, rage in her eyes.
The rage only seemed to deepen, spiraling further and further out of control. When she shoved him, it was like an explosion. “I’m an asshole, huh? Well how bout this asshole stops working all fucking day so you can sit your stupid ass at home and do nothing? How bout this asshole kicks your stupid ass out on your ass and you can do it all on your own? Or you can run back to daddy, I’m sure he’d welcome you with open fucking arms. And if you ever touch me again, I’ll shove you through a window.” he promised her. He didn’t let her get another word in before he backhanded the girl with more force than he’d meant to, sending her falling towards the kitchen table.
Anthony often threatened to kick her out, send her back to her father. And every time Maddie walked out the door he dragged her back before she could even get off the porch. She was about to scream back at him when she saw his hand raise and a second later went into the kitchen table. Her teacup fell, shattering on the floor as she fell into the table, her nose slamming into the corner. She went down to the floor with a cry of pain, holding her face as blood gushed thorough her fingers and tears filled her eyes. “Stop, please!” she screamed, suddenly terrified for the child growing inside of her. “I’m pregnant!”
As soon as his hand connected with her face and she began to fall, the rage was gone. Instead it had been replaced with guilt, fear and worry. All of those emotions flooded through him like a tidal wave washing out the fire within him in an instant. She was hurt and he wanted to help her but the moment she cried out that she was pregnant, the guilt grew ten times. But more than any other emotion, it was self-loathing that filled him up to the brim. “What?” he breathed, reaching instantly for a wash cloth from the counter, thankful that it was a clean, dry one. His hand moved to hold it to her face as he looked over her. “What do you mean you’re pregnant?” he asked her. She’d forgotten a pill maybe once in a month’s time. Could that really be all it took? He wasn’t exactly angry anymore, at least not at her, but the anger towards himself was quickly building as he did his best to tilt her head enough to stop the nosebleed.
Maddie was crying now, all fight in her gone as he gently cared for her bleeding nose. It wasn’t broken this time, though he had broken it before. “I’m sorry, Tony...I’m so sorry...” she sobbed out, pain from her face making her shake as she leaned against him, one hand on her belly protectively. “Please believe it was an accident...” She could feel the guilt and self loathing filling him and it made her chest ache worse than her nose. “I’m so sorry...”
He shook his head a little as he shushed her. “It’s not your fault.” he told her, though he didn’t know how the hell they were going to bring a baby into a relationship as fucked up as theirs. He didn’t know why she stuck around at all, but he thought if he hurt her while she was pregnant, she’d leave or worse, he’d hurt her so badly that... He shook his head again as if to get rid of even the simple thought in his mind that he could do something as horrible as that. “I’m sorry.” he told her. “I’m so fucking sorry.” he breathed, pulling her closer to him. “You don’t deserve this... I should just fucking leave...” he whispered.
Maddie clung to him, hi emotions practically choking her as she cried. “No, please, please don’t leave me...” she begged. For all the bad, Maddie couldn’t live without him. She knew no other way in life. He was her husband and she had sworn for better or for worse, she would stay by his side. She held those marriage vows close to her heart. “Please, Tony, I love you...”
She shouldn’t be begging him not to leave. If anything, Anthony knew that she should be begging him to fucking pack his shit and get out. She could do better on her own than she’d ever done with him. She could have a normal life and not be fearful for her life or her child’s. Their child’s life. “I love you too, baby, god... I do, you know I do and I... I shouldn’t have hit you. I just... I...” But no matter how much he might have wanted to, he couldn’t make any excuses. “I shouldn’t have hit you. I can’t do this any more... I can’t keep pushing further and further... Don’t you understand that I could kill you...?” He didn’t want to think about things like that, but it was the harsh reality. “I don’t want to hurt you, Maddie... I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you like that... it’s hard enough to live with myself now...”
Maddie cupped his face in her hands, pressing her forehead to his. “We’ll get better. I promise.” she said, kissing him softly, ignoring the ache in her face. “Please Tony, I need you....I love you with everything I am.” Maybe a baby was what they needed. A push to fix themselves and this mess that was their relationship.
Anthony hoped that she was right, but he couldn’t say that the things she was saying were true. “I hope you’re right.” he breathed as he gently pulled the cloth from her nose. “Maybe we should get that looked at.” he said, cringing at the bruising that was already starting. Part of him hoped she’d say yes, but he was pretty sure that she’d say no.
“I’ll be ok.” she said softly. “I have an appointment again tomorrow...I’ll have it looked at then. I don’t want you to get in trouble.” Maddie knew Dr. Berkowitz would be upset, but a hospital visit had a tendency to include cops and she didn’t have it in her to come up with lies tonight.
“If someone sees it I’ll get in trouble anyway.” he told her, gently brushing her nose once more to rid any more blood from her. “I should get in trouble. I shouldn’t do this to you, Maddie. It’s not right. I just get so mad and it’s like... it’s like I can’t control myself...”
“You’re a fire elemental...It’s just who you are. And I love all of you, even the not so good parts.” she said softly. “I lose my temper to. Remember, I shoved you first. I know how you react and I shouldn’t of pushed you. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault that you shoved me.” he pointed out with a sigh. “It’s my emotions forcing you to feel the way you do.” he muttered. The whole thing just made it worse. He got angry, she took on his anger, they fought and then everything just got worse. He shook his head a little as he pressed his lips gently against her forehead. “What are we gonna do with a baby...?” he breathed.
“We’ll figure it out Tony.” she said, wrapping her arms around him. Maddie had faith in him even when he didn’t. She remembered the teenagers they were, how in love they were. They still had that love and they could get how they were back. They had to. “We have the extra room...If we move all the crap out, make it pretty it could be the perfect nursery.”
He nodded a little at her thought for the nursery. His own thoughts, however, were drifting a bit more towards things like how he’d be a horrible father. The sort that a kid hated growing up with. His own father hadn’t ever been anything like him. He was a fire elemental all the same so he couldn’t seem to understand how two of the same sort of person could be so vastly different. There wasn’t any explaining it away. Being a fire elemental couldn’t be all that was wrong with him. Whatever it was that was going on inside of him needed to be addressed and if he didn’t do it soon, he knew that it would be too late.