Following in her footsteps Who: Chloe and Jason What: Coming to terms with the present and the past When: 10.13 - Thursday Night Where: The Lions' Den Warning: Tearjerker of doom
Jason hadn't had much luck with Eric Bloodgood's friends and family. His friends weren't shocked he'd gotten into trouble, he was apparently an egotistical hot head. But they didn't know of anybody who'd want him dead, although he was apparently quite the ladies' man. So that meant he had multiple suspects, who were probably not actually involved, just because Bloodgood couldn't keep it in his pants. The guys' family was even more unhelpful, since Jason was a white cop from the big city. Being a were as well didn't matter to them, in fact, he thought his lion was just making the already rattled flock of wereowls even more nervous. So he'd gotten nowhere today.
He'd called it quits at a quarter to seven. Gracie was at his mother's. Tonight was Girl Scouts, which his mother always took her to. She kept her overnight and took her to school the next morning. It was just easier. Especially when he was on a tough case like the two he had now. Charlie had gone to the Zeppo to hang out with Xander while he worked. Which was good, because there was a psycho out there hunting supers who had already killed a were. Xander was a known witch thanks to the press coverage of his trial and the kid was just safer with his daughter. And Charlie wasn't out alone, which made her safer in general. Chloe was off work at seven and she knew if she hadn't called or shown up within half an hour, he'd be calling to check on her.
Digging out sandwich materials from the fridge, he built himself up a good sized couple of sandwiches and grabbed a beer. Chloe would be home soon, so he made an extra one for her. He was tired, frustrated and demoralized, so a nice relaxing evening at home sounded like just the thing.
Chloe had worked that night and upon finishing her shift had texted her father and Dimitri to let them both know she was safely in her car and on the way home. They both worried just about as much as the other one and it was just one more thing she charted up to them being similar when it came to her. Putting her phone away in her purse - not about to get complained at for driving and texting - she headed home, pulling in with plenty of time to spare but not enough that her dad would accuse her of driving too fast.
Heading inside, she put her jacket in the hall closet and sat her purse and backpack by the sofa, heading into the kitchen to find her father. She had something to ask him and she wasn't really sure how to go about it. "I was going to make dinner," she pointed out with a little smile as she opened the fridge to see what was inside to make. "Anyone going to be home in time for it if I do?" she questioned. "Or is it a fend for yourself kind of night?"
"Fend for yourself," he said around a bite of food. "I made you a sandwich though." He was glad she was home. He could relax a little. He wouldn't fully relax until Charlie and Xander were home and Gracie called to say good night. Jason swallowed the bite he was eating before crossing to Chloe to kiss her cheek. "How was work? I bet the girls there went nuts for your new car." It was the girliest damned thing ever. Therefore all of her girly friends would love it. He was glad she was happy with it.
Chloe grinned and nodded, grabbing some juice before closing the door to the fridge. Pouring herself a glass, she put the container back and moved to the sandwich her father had made her. "Thanks," she said firstly because her dad knew how to make a sandwich like a real man. "They did. They thought it was awesome, because it is," she smiled. "And work was good. Same old I guess. Nothing dramatic thankfully." Which was nice. "Daddy, can I ask you something?" she said, taking a bite of her sandwich before turning to face her father.
He chuckled at that. "It is pretty awesome," he admitted. Yes, it was a girly pink VW bug with eyelashes. But it was awesome for a girly thing. And it made his princess happy. That was good enough for him. He was halfway through his sandwich when she started the leading questions out of the blue.
Oh boy. He hoped it wasn't anything bad. Swallowing hard, he nodded. "Of course, princess," he said. Then added. "This isn't about sex again? Because I'm not ready for that talk again. Sorry. Anything else, absolutely."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm not ready to have sex so you're not getting another talk about that for a long time," she promised. She fully intended to keep her hormones in check until she was truly ready to be with Dimitri or whatever boy she ended up with in the future if things between them didn't work out. It was too soon to tell either way. "Do we still have any of mom's jewelry?" she asked. "Or did we... give it away?" she went on. What she really wanted to know was had her mother been buried with some of it, but she didn't like the way that it sounded in thought let alone verbalized.
That Jason was not expecting. It wasn't bad, but just a surprise. "Yeah," he said. "She wanted me to give it to you girls. When you were older." They'd had plenty of time during Jen's illness to talk about this stuff. Jason had known his wife was dying months before it had become obvious to everyone else. So had Jen. So they'd talked about this kind of thing. Planned out the future he and the girls would have without her.
Yeah, now his appetite had disappeared. "Come on," he said as he headed towards his room. "Her jewelry box is in the back of my closet. I'll get it for you." It would give him a second to compose himself and steel himself for this. He didn't talk about Jen, even to the girls, very much. It was hard on him, that was why. Dragged up things he didn't want to remember.
Chloe wasn't foolish enough to think that it wasn't just as hard on her father - even harder than it was on her - to talk about her mother. He'd had more time with her than she had. He'd loved her longer, differently. She couldn't imagine how horrible it had been to watch her wither away the way that he'd had to endure, all while raising three daughters, one of them an infant, that all looked like her. Living and breathing reminders of the past. It had been why she'd put off asking him for so long. She'd thought many times about her mother's jewelry but it never seemed like the right time to bring it up. She wanted to spare her father that hurt, drudging up the past, and any pain that it might inflict upon him.
Her appetite was gone as well and she put the sandwich down on the plate, following after Jason into his bedroom. "I just want to see if something is there so I can wear it to homecoming," she explained. "For good luck. Then I'll put it back."
Jason had buried it all, or tried to, when he buried Jen. He didn't ever really have time to grieve. Or really, he'd done it when she was dying. Watching her die had been hard, but by the time she'd passed, he was just relieved not to have to watch her suffer anymore. Picking up the pieces after she was gone was hard, but he never wished the girls were any less like her. If anything, they were living pieces of his wife, his first love, he'd always have. It made her decision make sense, even when the heartbreaking loneliness and feeling of abandonment dragged him down.
He stopped dead in his tracks when she said that. He knew which piece she was talking it about. Jen had called it her good luck charm. He'd wanted to bury it with her, but she said the girls should have it. Because it was lucky. He let out a soft pained noise. "Yeah, it's in there," he said, swallowing hard. "She wanted you to have it."
That noise certainly didn't help Chloe feel any less badly about asking for the necklace. Her stomach felt queasy and her heart had jumped into her throat so she swallowed against it and blinked, determined not to let her face betray her emotions even if he could feel them just as easily as she could feel his. "I just figured I could use all the luck I could get since homecoming is tomorrow," she told him. Her nerves about getting - or not getting - homecoming queen were doubling each second that the dance grew closer. "You don't think Charlie will be angry with me if I keep it, do you?"
Now he felt really bad. He hadn't meant to do that. He usually could keep his emotions in check better. The long weeks, two murders, the realization both Chloe and Charlie was almost grown up, the feelings Justice had stirred, and meeting Xander and realizing what had happened to him had taken its toll on Jason's usually unbreakable emotional walls.
When Chloe said that, he felt his throat tighten up. "Come on," he said again, going into his room. "I have stuff to show you." It was time. It was past time. He'd not said anything before, not wanting to deal with it. But tomorrow was homecoming. Senior homecoming. God, he remembered it like yesterday. Even though it was almost eighteen years ago. Jason opened up his closet and started rummaging through it. There wasn't much in the way, Jason had to drag a few things out though. His guitar was one of them. He'd replaced the strings when they'd moved, because he'd broken one when he'd taken it out of the case to inspect it. He set the case aside and went for a box and her big jewelry box. Hauling them both out, he set the jewelry box where Chloe could get to it, then opened up the other box. On the top were baby books for all three girls, with baby keepsake mementos. He carefully set those aside. What he was looking for wouldn't be near the top. Folios of old family photos were set aside next, along with his graduation picture from police academy and his diplomas he'd earned from night classes. Chloe's baby book and booties were there and smiled and handed them to her. She'd seen some of the pictures before, there were copies around the house. But she'd been seven the last time her mother had even dragged this stuff out.
He found the stuff finally. His hand closed around the cheap tin and rhinestones wrapped in tissue paper. Jen was sentimental and she'd kept everything. Pulling them out, he unwrapped both crowns, then set them on the bed next to Chloe. He found their mortarboard hats, and finally, Jen's yearbook. His was underneath it, but hers would work. Opening it up, he found the page for homecoming. Yeah, he'd probably get shit at work for years if the guys ever found out he'd been homecoming king in high school. But the picture would have meaning to Chloe. Especially considering her mother was wearing the exact necklace she was asking about in it
Chloe settled on the edge of the bed, eyes moving over the guitar case when her dad sat it out. She'd heard him sing and knew he could play, but she still hadn't ever witnessed it. Not anytime that she could remember though he likely had played when she was little. Too little to remember it vividly at least. She hoped that someday he'd pick it up again. It would be then that she'd truly worry a little less than she usually did about his wellbeing. When he could pick up that guitar again, she'd know he'd be okay.
She watched as he removed things from the closet and handed over her baby book and her booties, to which she smiled and let her fingertips run over the tiny shoes and the cover of the book. She was glad that her mother was just as much of a memory hoarder as she was. Otherwise she'd never have these things to look at, to remember her by. Not that she could have easily forgotten her entirely regardless, but the items certainly helped keep her fresh in Chloe's mind.
She looked up about the time he sat the crowns on the bed and opened up the yearbook. She put the baby booties and the baby book aside and took the yearbook from her father. Her fingers brushed over the book, an item older than she was and she couldn't help but grin a little as they settled on the necklace around her mother's neck. The picture did have special meaning, indeed. "She had it even back then?" she questioned, looking up at her father.
Jason nodded, swallowing hard before replying. "I gave it to her," he explained. "It was kind of a joke. I'd just shown her my lion form a few days before. We were wandering around the mall and she saw it in a jewelry shop window. She teased me that it looked just like me. So I bought it for her and gave it to her when I asked her to homecoming." He swallowed again, looking away. "She always called it her lucky lion." It had been a private joke between them. Almost every piece of jewelry he'd ever bought for Jen had lions on it. Because she loved them.
Chloe smiled a little and looked at the picture once more before closing the book and picking up the tiara. "Is it silly that I'm worried about not winning something as stupid as homecoming queen?" she asked him. It was silly, she knew, to put so much into something that would only last a night, but it was more important to her than that and she knew it. It wasn't about the title or about winning. It was about following in her mother's footsteps and living up to the legacy she felt that she had. "I just want her to be proud of me," she admitted softly, eyes still on that fake jeweled crown.
Jason actually let out a soft whine when she said that. "God Chloe, you think she wouldn't be?" he rasped out. Which was about all the further he got before he just broke. He thought he could do this, but he'd just been drug through his life up until the point he'd lost his wife. Back to a moment in time where the future seemed so wonderful and the sky was the limit. The boy in that picture thought he ruled the damned world. The man he was now was just doing what he could to stay afloat. Jason ground his teeth, pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to staunch the tears. God. He wasn't sure he could do this.
A shaky breath escaped her after his question. It wasn't that she didn't think she'd be proud, just that she wanted to continue to do things that would make her all the more proud. She hadn't intended to hurt her father in asking and as she looked up at him and sat the book and tiara down, she was starting to think that perhaps she should have waited longer. It was too late now, however. She managed, somehow, to keep the tears behind her eyes from falling as she stood up and moved to wrap her arms around her father's middle, her head resting against his shoulder. "I know you're proud of me," she told him softly. "And that's just as good. Even if I don't bring home a dumb fake tiara."
Oh God, she just didn't get it. She didn't understand why'd shown her this. Hell, he didn't understand why really. It just seemed like something Jen would have done. She would have shown all of this to Chloe. Teased him about how young he'd been, how nobody would believe the hot headed defensive lineman with authority issues would end up a cop. Say all the right things to build Chloe's confidence up. Everything he never seemed to be able to do. That piece was missing, and had been for ten years. And it hurt.
"You will win," he told Chloe, setting her back and looking down at her. "There's not a doubt in my mind." He stepped away and opened up the jewelry box. He pulled out the necklace. It was on top, right where he'd put it when he'd put it away the day Jen had died. He'd known when she'd taken it off and pressed it into his hand it was over. He'd probably waited too long for this day, but it was just one more step towards admitting that Chloe was almost an adult and he needed to start letting go. "Here," he said softly, open the clasp with shaking fingers. "She'd want you to have it. For luck."
A tiny smile curled her lips at his reassurances. She let him walk over to the jewelry box and when he unclasped the necklace, she turned and pulled her hair up and out of the way so he could put it on her. "Thank you," she murmured. She'd wanted that necklace since she was little, always pulling on it when her mother wore it while she was a toddler and eventually graduating to 'Mommy I want one' when she got older. Now it was hers and it just made it all more real. Ten years had gone by and she had tried to pretend that her mother was just on a long vacation and that eventually she'd return but having the cool gold metal against her chest and the chain around her neck told her otherwise. "I miss her," she whispered, drawing in a long breath. "And I know you miss her too and I'm sorry I brought all of this up. If it hurts this much for me I... I don't want to know how badly it makes you feel."
Jason shook his head as he clasped it around Chloe's neck. "I shouldn't have waited so long," he admitted. That was about a lot of things. He'd just shut down for ten years. He knew that now. It had taken a lot to make him come to that realization. "I just-" He shook his head. "I don't know. I just noticed you and Charlie weren't little girls anymore." It sounded dumb and it wasn't exactly the truth, but it was close enough. "I'm not good at this stuff. Sorry."
With the necklace in place, Chloe let her hair fall down again and turned to look at him. "You don't have to be good at it," she told him. "You're right, we're not little girls anymore, but Daddy, you know that I'm always going to be your little girl. No matter what, okay?" She'd been trying to say as much for a while now, but perhaps being direct would be the best approach. "I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. You'll have to push me out the door," she murmured honestly. "I'm not ready to go."
And that was the problem. Chloe wasn't her mother and she wasn't a little girl anymore. She needed to move on and have her own life. He'd relied on her too much, and as grateful as he was for everything she'd done, it was time for her to get a chance to be young and enjoy herself. Before she found some guy she wanted to spend forever with and settled down and had kids. "And I will," he assured her. "Because you have got to start living for you Chloe. This is not silly. This is what teenage girls are supposed to worry about. Winning homecoming. Not whether their fathers eat or their sisters have someone to watch them. You had to grow up so fast. It's not fair." And it was his fault. Because he'd shut down his heart and turned his back on anything but the girls and work.
She frowned a little at what he had to say and shook her head. "You don't want my help anymore?" she asked him. "I do live for me. And for you. And the girls. We're a family, that's just the way it is. I can't just stop. That's the way it's been for as long as I can remember. You can't just tell me not to do it anymore." She could do it all, damn it. Be a teenager and still help make sure everything ran smoothly.
He was screwing this up too. "I didn't say that, princess," he reminded her softly. "I want you to concentrate more on yourself than you have been. Because you need to decide what you want to do with your life. You haven't had a chance, because you've been so busy taking care of us. I am so proud of you, and so grateful for everything you have done. But you're not Charlie and Gracie's mother. You're their sister. While they will always need you, and I will always need you, you have to start figuring out what you want." He reached down and picked up the tiara. "This is the first step. Do it for you. Not for your mother, not for me. If you really, really want to be homecoming queen, then I know you will win. Not because you're like your mother. Because you're just that amazing." He tossed the tiara on the bed. "We both have to let her go. It's long past time. And figure out who we are now. Because I don't have any more idea than you do."
Her heart ached at each and every word that came out of his mouth. She knew he was trying to do what was best for her, but that didn't make it hurt any less. "I'm not trying to be their mother," she told him firstly. "And maybe I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I'm seventeen years old, I shouldn't have to know just yet. I feel like you're ready to push me out the door," she admitted, shaking her head a little. "I don't want to do this for me. I want to do this for her. So she can see that you did a good job raising me and that I turned out okay even though she couldn't be there to help you," she whimpered. "I want to be like her. I want to be as perfect and pretty and friendly and amazing as she was and if I don't win I'll just be a failure," she breathed, the tears no longer holding back, slipping down her cheeks and riding the curve of her jaw to her chin.
Jason's heart was plummeting fast. Chloe was in flat out denial here, and he could understand why she was afraid of growing up. No, he took that back, she was afraid of leaving her family in any way. Her identity was completely wrapped up in being the mommy of their broken little family. Being just like her mother. "Oh Chloe," he whimpered as he wrapped her up in his arms. "Princess, you are amazing. You will never be a failure. It doesn't matter if you win or not. I didn't show you this to make you feel like you had to compete with her. I just-" He sighed. "I should have done this sooner. I knew you'd put her on a pedestal, but I didn't realize-" He took a deep breath. "I am proud of you Chloe. I am proud of you for who you are. Even if you weren't anything like her, I'd still be just as proud of you. You should be proud of you too. You are stronger than your mother was. Even she'd admit that. And she would want you to do what you want. Find out who you want to be. Not live in her shadow."
Chloe buried her face in against his shoulder and let herself cry as he spoke. She needed to let it out even if she didn't want to. Even if the tears staining his shirt made her feel weak and ridiculous. She had put her mother on a pedestal, she knew that. It was hard not to when Chloe knew exactly how wonderful she was. She'd latched onto any story she could hear about her mother, picking up her mannerisms along the way and doing whatever she could to make herself more like her but she always fell short. She wasn't Jen and she never would be. She knew that. It was that realization that hurt the most. She couldn't be everything for her father or her sisters, no matter how much she tried. She couldn't bring Jen back and she couldn't replace her. She'd always be just a substitute for what they all really wanted and it would never be good enough for any of them, least of all for herself.
"How can I be stronger when I just feel like falling apart all the time?" she asked him in a choked and raspy voice. "I've got less than a year and I'm going to have to go to college and leave you and the girls and I don't want to go. I'm not ready yet. It's too soon. I'm afraid. Please don't make me leave."
How could he have been so blind? So stupid? He'd known Chloe idolized her mother. She had no other female influence in her life. His mother had been there, but she'd been careful not to step on his toes as a parent. Somehow, somewhere, the wires had gotten crossed and his daughter had forsaken her own identity to become a copy of who she thought her mother was. All those years of dismissing his mother's concerns, of trying to be both, came crashing down on him.
"Chloe," he rasped. "Listen to me. Everybody feels like you do right now when they're seventeen and facing the big scary world. You will have time to work it out. You have all the time you need." He brushed her hair back from her face, tilting her head back so she looked him in the eyes. "But you are have got to figure out who you are and what you really want. Whatever that is, whoever you are, I will always love you. And I will always be proud of you. Always."
She listened, but it didn't make her any less frightened of the future. "Promise?" she whispered. She didn't want to think about when she'd have to leave, but thankfully it wasn't happening tomorrow. He was right, she'd have time to figure things out, but the world was still a big and terrifying place.
"I promise," he told her honestly, not really caring what point she was questioning. But he definitely promised all of the above. Especially about always loving her and being proud of her. Jason pulled Chloe against him and hugged her tight. "I love you, Princess. I always have. From the moment you were born."
He chuckled softly. "There is no man in this world good enough to deserve you. Not even me. God, I've tried. But it's true. That's why I tried to so hard to be everything for you girls. Because your mother was gone and you deserved everything-" Now it was his turn to be irrational and he couldn't fight the tears anymore. "I'm sorry. I was crazy to think I could do this on my own-"
Chloe shook her head a little as she squeezed him more tightly. "I love you, Daddy," she breathed. "And you were everything. Why do you think I tried so hard to make you proud of me? You deserved everything too. Mommy was gone and I just wanted you to feel less sad and...," she caught her breath, trying not to let the tears keep coming, but failing, especially when he was crying too. She didn't think she'd ever seen her father cry in her life. He hadn't cried when her mother died, steeling himself for her and for her sisters and now here he was, the strongest man she knew, crying.
"I thought maybe if I was more like her, you wouldn't be so sad," she breathed. "It was easier than trying to be less like her when I already looked so much like her. I wasn't strong. I took the easy way out. Being like her was easier for me than being not like her. And then Charlie was nothing like her and you two just..." She didn't want to be petty and jealous, but she was. "I thought that it was all for nothing when Charlie started doing things you liked," she admitted. "I was jealous. I still am jealous. I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like such an idiot."
Jason had just shut down emotionally when Jen was dying. It was the only way he couldn't break completely when he lost her. How he'd coped with her decision and prepared himself for living without her. Chloe being the way she was, so like Jen, had always made it easier and harder at the same time. But he'd always thought it was just because she was like her mother. She'd always been like Jen. Even as a baby and a small child. She was mommy's little angel. He hadn't thought for a second it was anything but her nature. Now he felt like an idiot for not realizing it was more than that.
Charlie had always been like him. She was a rough and tumble baby who'd rather be hung upside down than carried nicely. Every picture he had of Charlie showed her wrestling with him or careening around causing mayhem. He'd just thought it was natural for her too. God, what if Charlie had done that just to bond with him because he'd closed himself off so much? These revelations were not helping him feel any better about what kind of parent he'd been.
"You were always like her," he said. "Even before she died. So like her. I used to tease her about how there wasn't any of me in you. Then you change the first time and I couldn't deny it anymore. And you were perfect. Charlie was always so wild and crazy and just like me. It worked. I didn't even think- I just hoped that I could be enough." And he hadn't been. Not even close by the sounds of things. Jason sat down heavily. "I took the easy way out too," he said softly. "I just put my head down and forged forward. Just did what I had to do to get by. I shut everything else out. God..." What had he done?
Chloe crawled into his lap, perching herself on his knee and burying her face in against his neck. "You did what you had to do, Daddy," she told him, shaking her head a little. "I'm not sorry for the way that my life has been. Not any of it. That's not what I meant. I just...," she shrugged a little and let out a slow sigh. "I think I would have been like her anyway," she told him. "The hoarding, the pink, the need to be everything for everyone no matter what," she went on, pulling back enough to look at him. Lifting a hand, she brushed away some of the dampness from his cheek and gave him a soft smile. "I'm sorry if I'm making you feel like you did something wrong," she told him. "You didn't. You put on a brave face and did what you had to do to make things work and keep us all together. You could have given up on us, on the family. Let grandma raise us. But you didn't. You were enough. More than enough."
God, that helped to hear. He was starting to calm down, feel a bit less desperate and afraid he'd done so much damage to his family not being aware of everything that it couldn't be fixed now. "Yellow," he said almost absently. "Her favorite color was yellow. The pink is all you. Although she thought it was cute how much you liked it." Chloe had always wanted everything pink her whole life. That was all her. "But yeah, you've always been like her." He sighed and shifted her off his lap. "I shouldn't have shut down the way I did," he told Chloe as he stood up, scrubbing away the tears. "I shut you girls out just as much as I shut everything else out. I let you in more, but it was still the same thing. Or you wouldn't have been worried about making me less sad." She'd been seven, for crissake.
He took a deep breath. "I knew she was going to die the whole time she was sick," he explained. "She did too. We found out she had cancer when she was pregnant with Gracie." He swore he'd never tell any of the girls what had happened, but maybe if he told Chloe, she could understand why he did what he did when Jen died. "She could continue the pregnancy, or get treatment for the cancer. Your mother chose to die. I could never blame her."
Chloe let him stand up, settling on the bed instead as she listened to what he had to say. She'd known that her mother died around the time that Gracie was born, but she was unaware of the circumstances. All things considered, it made it easier to let her go now that she knew. She wouldn't have been able to choose different had she been in her mother's shoes. Everything made a whole lot more sense now. "She made the right decision," Chloe told him. "I wouldn't trade Gracie for anything, not even for more time with Mama," she admitted. "I know that probably sounds awful, but it's true. And at least she had the right to make the choice that she wanted. She wasn't surprised by it. You got to prepare. It was better than a lot of people have. And I'm happy with my life, Daddy, I promise you that. I don't have any regrets about the way you raised me. I think you did a good job. I hope you do too."
Jason had agreed with what Jen had wanted. There was no right decision. Either way, he'd lost a member of his pride. He shook his head. "It doesn't matter," he said. It had been ten years. It was time to let go. Period. "It didn't help," he admitted quietly. "Watching her waste away. Trying to keep everything together and not let you girls see me hurt or realize how much she was suffering. You can't prepare for that. You just survive it." He nodded. "Thank you," he told Chloe. "I had to not be half bad at it. Look how you turned out. It means I did something right." He gave her a very small smile.
"Course you weren't half bad at it. At all bad at it. Not just with me but with Charlie and Gracie too," she pointed out, wiping her face and drawing in a breath. "But that doesn't mean that you don't need someone else to help besides me," she agreed. "Which is why I'm glad that you've got someone. I like her. Justice, I mean. Obviously. Do you think she'll help me get ready for homecoming tomorrow?" she questioned.
He had Justice until her insecurities made her fly so far out of his grasp he couldn't catch her and drag her back. Dredging up everything had just made Jason's abandonment issues flare up. He didn't think anything he did right now would be enough to keep from losing the first woman he'd even considered letting near his heart in ten years. And he knew he couldn't handle it. Her question confused him though. "What?" he asked. Like Chloe needed help with that? She was a natural with all that girly stuff. Justice seemed to barely bother with it. "I mean, I don't see why not. It isn't like Lucas will need the help." Guys didn't primp. They showered, put on the suit and were ready. "But you're way girlier than she is."
"Doesn't matter," she told him honestly. "Girly or not, she can help zip me up and tell me I'm pretty. That's all a girl wants really. And it might make her feel included if Charlie and I ask her to help. And Charlie isn't all that girl either, remember?" she pointed out with a little smile. "I just don't want her to think that we don't like her, because I do. She caught your attention after all this time. I say she's pretty awesome."
Okay, that made sense. "Yeah, she's not as hopeless at the girly thing as Charlie is," he admitted. Justice was a nice medium between the two extremes. Which was one of the reasons she'd caught his eye. "Maybe she can make Charlie feel a little less silly too. I'll ask her. Or you can. She got a scare Monday, she could use cheering up. She knew the victim. Some guy from her reservation." Which was common knowledge thank to the damned news. Well, who the guy was and where he was from. He smiled softly. "Thanks, princess. I appreciate it. I know even if this works out, you'll never feel the way about her like you did your mother. That's okay, though."
"I'll ask her," she said with a nod. "Maybe I'll call her before it gets too late," she thought. She knew she could get her number from her father and she might as well give her more than a few minutes notice on the subject. "I don't think anyone can make us feel the same way about mom, but honestly, I was seven. A lot of my love for her is what I created myself." Which was sad, but it was the truth. "If you two work out, which I hope that you do, I can see myself caring about Justice like a role model. She already is. She raised Lucas alone, same as you raised us. And she had to fight to make it in the police force. All women do. Makes me tempted to join up. Kick some ass and take some names," she smirked.
Jason smiled. "She was pretty amazing," he reminded Chloe. "Remember, I'm the one who fell heads over heels for her the moment I met her. I'm just not that kid anymore. Hell, I'm not even the person I was when your mother died." Ten years changed a lot. There was no denying it. "That was part of the attraction," he admitted. "She understands why you girls drive me to screaming and sending you to your rooms." He groaned. "Not you too. It's bad enough Gracie wants to do CSI. I'd never sleep at night if any of you girls were cops." He tried to sound like he was joking, but he really wasn't. His job was dangerous and ugly. Female cops had it worse. Yeah, he didn't really want his little girls to be cops. Ever.
Chloe chuckled a little. "I don't want to be a cop," she assured him. "Honestly? I want to do something in fashion. Like design. I already know how to sew." A little known talent she most of the time hid. Her grandmother had a sewing machine and had taught Chloe a little about it in her visits. She'd picked it up easily and used it to her advantage. Not everything she bought fit originally. She was tall and thin, she had to make do with what she could get. Even if that meant adding material, which she often had to do. She liked it though because it made each of her clothing items one of a kind and her own. "Maybe target tall, thin girls like me. I could make a fortune." It likely wouldn't surprise him much considering she loved clothes and shopping and worked at a vintage clothing store.
"Oh thank God," Jason breathed. "I didn't need to go down to the academy and scare the fear of Dad into the recruits. My reputation is already bad enough they scatter when I come to teach any courses." Jason's temper was legendary among the cops of the DC area. He was one of the toughest, most effective cops that had ever worked vice. And apparently terrifying. He didn't keep the lion too far below the surface, of course. That couldn't help any.
He could definitely see her in fashion design. His mother had told him about her talent with sewing. "Could you do something for guys with broad shoulders while you're at it?" he joked. "Because if you ever want me to wear a suit to work, they have got to do something about the lack of shoulder room in those jackets." Obviously, he approved of the idea. Even if he still would never wear a suit to work. Ever. He'd spent too long trying not to look like a cop. Old habits died hard. "I can definitely see you as a fashion designer, princess."
Chloe grinned at her father and at his enthusiastic response to her secret dream. "Really?" she asked him. Her brain was already working through thoughts of owning her own store and catering to body types like hers, her father's and her grandmother's. Not enough people did. Usually any clothes for stocky women, like her grandma, were ugly. That just would not do. She had a plan, a plan she didn't even know she already had floating around in her head. The future didn't seem quite so scary now. And she felt better about their conversation, even with the tears. Looking at the jewelry box, she lifted out one of the bracelets, a simple one and held it up to her father. "Give that one to Charlie," she told him. "It's not too girly, so she'll love it."
Okay, something good had come out of this harrowing conversation. Thank God. His mother would love her forever if she could make her stuff that didn't make her look like a dressed table. Which is how Lou felt about clothes sized for women like her. Jason had heard her bitching about it his entire life. Especially to Jacqueline, his older sister, who was built the same way as their mother. Jason and Joanne were weres and their metabolisms helped keep them fit. "Yeah, really," he said. "You always look like a fashion plate."
He was glad Chloe was feeling better and actually had started on having some direction. "I'll let her choose," he said. "Like you did. Gracie too eventually. You'll have to find some way to divvy it up between the three of you." It was theirs now. They were all old enough for jewelry. "It should be worn, not sit in the back of my closet." He started packing up the pictures and mementos. "I suppose you and grandma will want this stuff for scrapbooking," he added as he wrapped back up the tiara and crown. I won't bury it again, I swear."
Putting the bracelet back in the jewelry box, she nodded. That was the way to do it, she thought. Let everyone pick the things they wanted and then divvy up the rest. She could agree to that, easily. "Grandma will have a field day. Then we'll have a bunch of albums instead of a huge box in your closet," she pointed out. She reached out and opened the guitar case. "This should be played and not sitting in the back of your closet either," she added, extracting the guitar from its makeshift tomb. She noticed the worn guitar strap, a bit yellowed with age, was zebra print. "And you thought I didn't get anything from you," she commented as she pulled the thing into her lap. "How am I ever going to learn to play if you won't ever teach me?" she questioned.
It was for the best. All of it. This whole harrowing conversation had served a purpose it seemed. Thank God. He was surprised when Chloe took out his guitar. "Jesus, I haven't played it since-" his voice caught. "In at least ten years." He amended. They'd talk enough about her mother's death to last him a lifetime. "The strings were so old I broke one when I pulled it out of the case to check its condition when we moved. I replaced them before I put it back in storage." He shook his head. "I'm not as bad as you. And I was like 19 when I picked it out. So don't diss on my bad taste as a kid."
"Well change that," she told him, holding out the guitar. "And it's not bad taste either, shows you at one time had some good taste," she smirked. She loved zebra print more than the pink if she was completely honest. Seemed the apple didn't fall as far from the tree as he liked to pretend. "Don't make me pout."
Jason rolled his eyes at her. "You act like it's that easy," he told her. "How do you even know I can play?" He'd played a bit when Chloe and Charlie were very young, but it had been something he'd gradually given up as work and family took over his life. He'd stopped playing entirely when Jen had died. He didn't have time or any inspiration. His daughters knew he could sing and had heard it often. But he doubted either of his older daughters remembering him playing guitar. "Seriously, Chloe. It's been ten years. I'm going to suck."
Chloe sighed. "If you couldn't play, you wouldn't have it," she pointed out. "And you won't suck. You'll be rusty but I don't care. I want to hear you play," she told him. "And you've given me no choice," she sighed, pulling the guitar back into her lap and trying to get it into some sort of comfortable position. "I'm going to have to play it myself and I will suck," she assured him. "Where do I even put my fingers?" she asked, looking at the strings as best she could in the new position.
"Fine," he relented. "I will suck. It's been too long." Jason couldn't help but laugh. "You're holding it upside down for starters. Who do you think you are, Paul McCartney?" Who was basically the most famous guitar player who played left handed. Taking the guitar from her, he sat down next to Chloe and settled it in her lap properly. Wrapping one arm around her, he showed her the string positions on the fretboard. "Each one of these strings is a different key," he explained. "And the sound changes as you move your fingers along the string." He reached into the pouch attached to the guitar strap and pulled out a pic. "And how you strum the strings down here is how you play the different notes." He let her try it. She didn't have to be good, but she could play around and figure out what he was talking about. "It's not as hard as it sounds, really."
She kept her fingers in the position that he'd put them in and took the pic from him to try it. Thankfully it didn't sound atrocious. She grinned, feeling accomplished. "See, you still remember," she pointed out with a look of 'I told you so'.
"I remember the basics," he countered. "That is not the same thing as remembering how to play. Besides, I didn't play lead guitar. I wasn't that good. I was the singer most of the time." That's right. "I was in a country rock kind of band in high school." There was a lot about his life his daughters didn't know, unless his mother had told them or they'd found out. Part of it was just not liking to talk about his life when Jen was alive. The rest was habit from work. He'd done a lot of undercover work, so he was used to not talking about himself. "Not that we were great. We did a lot of covers. It was never going to go anywhere."
Chloe grinned at him. "Really?" she asked. "That's pretty cool, Daddy." She didn't care if it had been going anywhere or not, or even if he was all that good. It was part of his life and as far as Chloe was concerned, her father was pretty damned awesome. "Please play something for me?" she asked him, putting on her patented pout.
He chuckled. "Yeah, really," he said. "It was." Jason was surprised anything he did was 'cool' by Chloe's standards. But he'd take it. "Okay, but once again, I'm going to suck." He took the guitar from her and starting trying to pick out the main guitar chord for Sweet Home Alabama. It had been one of the songs he'd played all the time, even after he quit the band. After two tries, he scowled and shook his hands out. He was not used to playing anymore and he had lost the callouses he'd had on his hands for years from playing. So this actually kind of hurt.
She watched him as he started to play, eyes following his fingers even after he'd stopped briefly to shake out his hands. "I don't know how you ever played. The strings hurt my fingers," she admitted, scrunching up her nose a little.
"You build up calluses," he explained. "It's harder for weres, since we heal faster. I used a couple of tricks I heard about from professionals before. Once you have them though, you just have to keep playing to keep them. I'll get them back." Since apparently she'd talked him into reteaching himself. "Who knows, maybe I'll even sing at the opening of Dante's bar on Saturday night. Most places have a karaoke thing." Justice had no idea he could sing or play guitar. Women always went nuts for that kind of thing.
She smiled at his words. He was going to keep it up. And sing at the opening of the bar. "Finally," she said with a little sigh, leaning over a little so she could slide her arm around her father's neck and kiss his cheek. "Now I know I don't have to worry about you," she murmured. "You picked up the guitar and don't plan to put it away."
Jason chuckled, turning his head to kiss her cheek. "You'll still worry about me, princess," he told her. "But maybe now you can worry about other things too." He set aside the guitar and hugged Chloe, pressing a kiss to her brow. "Okay, now I'm starving. Let's go finish dinner."