I didn't want you to know I could Who: Justice and Lucas What: discovering secret talents When: Friday Evening Where: Their home Warnings: none really, maybe some language
Lucas had gone over to Alanna's for a little while after school, but he wanted to be home when his mother got home so he could ask her in person if he could stay overnight with Alanna again. He knew the barbeque was the next night and he had every intention of going, but he'd much rather be curled up with Alanna than at home which really no one could blame him for. He got home around six and figured if she wasn't home, which she wasn't, that it might be awhile before she arrived. So Lucas headed up to his room to pass the time and figured the easiest way of doing that would be to immerse himself in something or other and on this occasion that something or other ended up being a bit of singing.
His father, Kevin, had been a musician. It was about the only thing that he knew about him really as he never really wanted to ask much. It always made his mother pretty upset to talk about the jackass so Lucas avoided the topic. It was easier that way. Avoidance, however, was the whole reason that his mother had no idea that Lucas himself could carry a tune and play just as good if not better than his father.
He'd worked a lot over the last few years, doing odd jobs and waiter type things for a while here and there, eventually making enough to purchase a dusty old guitar from a pawn shop a while back. It wasn't much, but it was his and he liked it. Settled on his bed with said guitar, he was singing a song when his mother got home. So into the music he was playing, he didn't even hear Justice as she made her way towards his bedroom, the door ajar and his voice floating down the hallway.
Justice had finished work on schedule; there hadn’t been any progress on Emma’s killer, so she was stuck with her normal patrolling duties. She’d headed to the store straight from work to pick up groceries - food for tonight, and the ingredients for s’mores for the barbeque tomorrow. She’d asked Jason if she could bring anything, and had offered up dessert. Not particularly complicated dessert admittedly, but considering there was four lions, two owls, a tiger, a pregnant girl and a teen boy, she’d bought bulk.
She hauled the bags in from the car, letting herself in. It was a Friday night - she assumed Lucas would be round at Alanna’s house, and she was looking forward to a little peace and quiet. She was surprised to hear music when she came in, and after dumping her groceries in the kitchen she headed upstairs. It was funny, it didn’t sound like the radio, and as Justice reached the top of the stairs, she realised why.
She’d never heard Lucas sing; hadn’t even realised he could. She had enough problems knowing he played guitar, hating even that small connection to his father. He rarely played while she was in the house, and she knew the reason for it. What little she’d managed to tell Lucas about his father hadn’t been particularly complimentary. She’d fallen for the romance of a musician boyfriend, one who wrote songs for her, serenaded her outside her bedroom window. The reality, living in a one-room roach-infested apartment in the Bronx, was a little different. And it hadn’t lasted.
Justice didn’t even know how long she stood there, listening. Lucas’ voice was beautiful, even better than his father’s. It was enough to crack her normal steely composure, bring tears to her eyes. She shifted her weight to get a better view of Lucas, wincing as a floorboard creaked loudly under her foot. Quickly bringing her hand up, she tried to wipe her eyes, not wanting Lucas to see her upset.
While he might not have heard his mother come up the stairs, nor feel her presence in the doorway, he heard the sound of the creaking floorboard and immediately stopped singing. He shifted the guitar off of his lap and onto the bed, brushing his hair out of his face. "Mom," he breathed. "I," he muttered, trying to come up with some sort of explanation. He'd seen the tears and that only made him feel worse about being caught. "I didn't know you were there," he told her. "Didn't hear you come in."
He knew he should have not bothered with singing, not in the house, not bothered with playing at all. It was just one more thing that would remind his mother of his jackass father and the last thing that Lucas wanted to do was be any sort of reminder. It was bad enough they had shared DNA. "I'm sorry," he muttered, letting out a breathy little sigh. "I didn't know you were home and I just... I don't know."
Justice shook her head, managing a watery smile as she stepped into Lucas’ bedroom.
“Don’t be, kiddo,” she murmured, sitting down on his bed, facing him. “Your voice is beautiful.” It was a painful reminder in some ways, yes. But Lucas had a gift, and Justice was sad to think that he’d been hiding it for her sake. She reached out, cupping his face. “I didn’t know you could sing...” she murmured, sounding a little sad. It was something she’d missed out on, another thing in her son’s life she hadn’t known about. She was beginning to wonder what else she’d missed, so busy working and worrying about Lucas’ studies that she hadn’t even taken the time to get to know her son properly, to spend more time with him.
He felt badly still, but he did give her a tiny little smile at the compliment she gave. He wasn't really sure what he could say to her that wouldn't make her feel badly, but he didn't want to lie to his mother either. He'd done his best not to keep things from her really, but his singing wasn't something he'd felt he should broadcast. "I didn't want you to know I could," he admitted as he let his eyes meet hers. "I didn't want you to be reminded of Kevin," he went on. "I didn't want to remind you of him."
She shook her head again, still smiling softly. “You’re ten times the man he was, baby. And no matter how much of an asshole he was, his voice was always perfect.” She picked up the guitar, running the flat of her hand slowly down the strings, smiling softly as she remembered some of the good times with Kevin, rather than the bad. She slowly curled her hand around the neck of the guitar, lifting it up and holding the instrument out towards Lucas.
“Play something for me?” She asked softly, kicking off her shoes and drawing her feet up under her.
Lucas wasn't really sure if he wanted to sing anything. She'd cried before after all and so yeah, maybe it wasn't the most awful thing to have a good voice, but when you inherited it from the douche that left your mother, you didn't really want to bring up the past with it. He took the guitar from her and shrugged a little. "Are you sure?" he questioned. "Mom, it's cool if it brings up bad things. I don't have to sing..."
“I’m sure,” she said firmly. “You’re not him. And I’m glad you’ve inherited something good from that dick.” She was still so angry, after all these years. Angry at herself, for believing in all the love songs Kevin had sung her. Angry at him for getting her pregnant, for leaving her. But for the first time since Kevin, she was starting to think she didn’t have to cope on her own. She’d opened up more to Jason in the last few days than anyone else in years, save for Naya. If she’d come across Lucas singing months before now - hell, even days before now - she’d likely have walked away, refused to listen. But she was starting to realise how much she’d missed out on by hiding herself away.
“Please, I want to hear you sing.” She took a deep breath, wanting to hear him but nonetheless steeling herself against the possibility of more tears.
Lucas let out a breath he hadn't really realized that he'd been holding. He'd kept his music to himself for the most part, both playing and otherwise. Now with his mother sitting beside him on the bed and wanting to hear him sing, he wasn't even sure how to react. So he drew in a breath and started to play his guitar, trying desperately not to think too hard on the whole situation. She wanted to hear him, so he'd let her hear him.
"I believe the world can take and shatter the strongest souls. It's enough for one man to take from knowing his right from wrong. There's no room in the darkness so bring down these walls. There's no one to believe in, makes no sense at all. Will you save me? I will believe in you. I'll give love, I'll give love. Save me, your arms I'll fall into. I'll give love, I'll give love now." His eyes were still on his mother's face as he ended the verse and his fingers stilled on the strings. "I inherited a lot more than just a musical knack, mom," he breathed.
Justice sat in silence, her knuckles white as she grasped her calves, knees drawn up to her chin. Lucas’ voice was beautiful, similar to Kevin’s but a little lighter, a little less raspy. She guessed the cigarettes and pot that Kevin had been so fond of had wrecked his voice just a little. There were tears in her eyes by the time Lucas had finished singing, but she was smiling proudly.
“You wrote that?” She asked, sliding her arms around Lucas, kissing the top of his head. “You’re so good, kiddo. Why didn’t you tell me?”
"I didn't want to upset you," he told her honestly. At least she was smiling, despite the present tears. "I mean I didn't want to hide it either but," he shrugged a little, sliding the guitar to the side so he could slip his arms around his mother in return. "I just wanted to be more like you and less like him and knowing that I was anything like him, even because of something like this, didn't exactly make me happy," he admitted with a little sigh. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I thought I was protecting you."
Sighing, Justice tightened her arms around her son, resting her cheek against the top of his head. “You don’t need to protect me,” she murmured. “I’m the parent here, remember? That’s supposed to be my job.” She closed her eyes for a long moment, calming herself. She still felt a little raw, the memories of Kevin like scraping gravel against an open wound. But she hadn’t been fair to Lucas, never talking about his father. Never letting him know there was good as well as bad in the man.
“He wasn’t all bad,” she admitted reluctantly. “He was a talented musician, just like you. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.” She kissed the top of his head again, slowly rubbing his arm with her hand. “I don’t want you to feel like you ever have to hide anything from me, ok? Even if you think it’s gonna hurt me, even if you think you’re doing the right thing. Promise me you’ll tell me.”
Lucas thought protecting went both ways. He wanted to make sure she didn't have to suffer through anything if he could help it, let alone anything that he might have caused. She'd protected him from everything over the years and he'd protected her from the little bits of himself that were too similar to his father. He thought he'd done the right thing in that case, at least until now.
He could hear the sadness in his mother's voice and when she asked him to promise to tell her things and not hide them, he drew in a breath and let it out slowly. "Mom, I try not to hide stuff from you, I do, but I don't know that I can really promise that. I don't want to hurt you and if keeping some stupid thing like music from you keeps you from being upset, I'll want to keep it a secret. You're all I've had my whole life, I'm going to want to protect you. I'm the man of the house, that's my job."
“It’s not stupid,” Justice insisted sharply. “It’s part of who you are. Writing songs? That’s not just messing about, Lucas.” She took a deep breath, forcing herself to gentle her tone. “They’re good. You’re good. I know you’re growing up,” she pulled back enough to look at him, brushing his hair back from his face. “You’re a smart, loving, wonderful young man, and I’m proud to call you my son. But the thought of you hiding things from me...” she sighed. “It hurts. I don’t wanna lose you, baby. I’m not ready for that yet.” She felt like she was being silly, like Lucas was going to just roll his eyes and ‘moooooommmm’ her. Just like any other teenager. But it didn’t make it any easier to think about him growing up, having a life of his own that she wasn’t part of.
He closed the distance between them and hugged his mother again, tightly. Turning his head, he pressed his lips against her cheek and shook his head a little once he'd kissed her. "You're not going to lose me," he told her. "Seventeen or fifty-seven, I'm always going to need my mom, okay?" He didn't want her to think that he'd ever get so 'grown up' that she'd be meaningless because as far as he was concerned, she'd never be. "Maybe more now than ever," he admitted as he pulled back again to look at his mother. "I'll promise that I'll try not to hide things from you, but I also promise that I'll do whatever I can to protect you too." Compromise, that was the best he could give. "You protected me for eighteen years, Mom, I get to do a little protecting too, okay?"
Justice couldn’t help but smile a little as he kissed her cheek, squeezing him back just as tightly as he hugged her. She pulled back when he did, meeting his gaze squarely.
“We protect each other,” she offered as a compromise. “Okay? We have each other’s backs, just like always.” Of course there were other factors to add in, now. They had Alanna and the baby to consider, Jason and his kids...
“That reminds me - Jason says he’s happy to talk to you about the baby.” She smiled, a little goofily. “He said he’d have liked someone to talk to when he was in your shoes, so it’s the least he can do.” And selfishly, she hoped it’d be a chance for them to bond a little. “Might not happen tomorrow, considering how many of us are gonna be there, but soon.”
She was right, they always had each other's backs and that was how he hoped that it was going to stay.
"Okay," he said with a nod. "No rush or anything, I mean I'm still kinda reeling with the fact that it's a reality," he admitted. "I just don't want to mess it all up," he sighed, pushing his hair back from his face. "I don't know the first thing about babies and now I'm gonna have one and it'll be defenseless and I," he breathed, sighing again as he tried to refocus. "I don't want to be a shitty dad," he told her, the realization hitting him harder than he'd like to have admitted. Maybe being a bad dad wasn't in his DNA. One could only hope. "I think I need to get a job," he muttered. Not that Alanna really needed the money, but he felt lame and stupid for not having any real income. He had some money saved up from odd jobs and such things, but nowhere near close enough to take care of a baby.
“You are not gonna be a shitty dad,” Justice told him firmly. “You care about Alanna, and about the baby. That’s half the battle.” She squeezed his shoulder firmly. “Anything you need to know, I can teach you. Or hell, Jason can. He raised three kids pretty much by himself. One between you and Alanna’s gonna seem a breeze by comparison.” She grinned, trying to lighten the mood, knowing that there was no way it was going to be as easy as she was suggesting. But she wasn’t out to scare her son silly.
“If that’s what you want, then sure. But it doesn’t sound like Alanna’s short of money. You don’t need to get a job just to prove a point. Lucas.” She knew him too well.
He hoped that she was right, but he was still afraid of being bad at fatherhood. "Got any old baby books lying around?" he said, half teasingly though they might actually prove helpful.
As for the job, he shrugged. "It's not entirely to prove a point," he told his mother. "Partially, yeah, because I should be providing what I can not only for the baby but for Alanna because she's getting strapped with the hard part," he muttered. "I love her and I want to be there for her, financially or otherwise and at least I'll feel like I'm doing something more than just sitting back and going along for the ride. I helped make our baby and I'm not going to just sit and watch her fund its whole life just because she has the ability. I don't want to be a deadbeat."
“In the attic, maybe?” She shrugged. “Baby books weren’t that useful, they all contradict one another. Plus they’re about...oooh, eighteen years out of date?” She smiled a little, stroking his arm. The rest of what he said had her smile fading, the last comment especially.
“You are not a deadbeat. You want to make your kid proud? Be a good dad. Go to college, get a good job - hell, become a musician. Make something of your life.” Justice’s voice was earnest, pleading. “Don’t take the first job that comes along just because you need the money. I don’t want you ending up like me.” Yes, she was happy now, she had a career. But it had taken a long time to get there. Jason was the same age as her - a year younger, in fact - and he’d done far more with his career than she had. Admittedly, he had the advantage of being white and a man, but still.
"I want to," he told her. "And so does Alanna and I want that for her. I want to be someone that my baby can be proud of," he sighed. "I want to be as good a parent to my baby as you were to me. And I hope you know that you were a good mom, mom," he said, blinking a little and steeling himself not to be a wimp and do something stupid like tear up. "And college or job or whatever didn't matter to me, but I'm proud of you regardless. I want you to know that. And it was way harder for you to do all the stuff you've done because it was just you, which makes you even more amazing. And now I'm being ridiculously stupid and you're gonna make me do something dumb like cry like a little girl. Thanks a lot," he teased, blinking a bit more furiously.
Justice laughed thickly, welling up as she looked at him, seeing him blinking away tears. She pulled him close again, tucking her face against his shoulder.
“You’re so grown up,” she whispered, a tear escaping her lashes, rolling down her cheek to soak into his shoulder. She was so proud of her son, of how well he’d done despite them having no money, despite her working all hours of the day and night to keep money coming in. “I love you, Lucas. So much. And I’m so proud of you.” She sniffed softly. “You’ve done so well. I wish I could have made things easier for you. For both of us. But I couldn’t wish for a better son.”
Lucas still refused to let his own tears fall, even if they were welling up inside of him. "You've made things just fine for me, mom," he assured her. "I wouldn't have wanted any other mother because you were the perfect one for me." He'd needed a mother that was strong and determined to make something of herself so that he would mirror that drive. And that's exactly what he got. He didn't pull back from his mother for a long moment, not wanting to leave that warmth radiating off of her body.
"Think the baby is going to be an owl like us?" he questioned.
Justice clung tightly to Lucas; it wasn’t often now that she got hugs, not the way she used to when he was just a child. That had been part of the reason she’d bought such a big bed; the nights when nightmares had driven Lucas into her arms, the two of them surrounded by a nest of pillows and blankets, curled in the centre of the bed.
“I don’t know, kiddo,” she murmured, her face still against his shoulder. “I hope so.” Owls weren’t common, not in this part of the country. Bigger predators were far more numerous, and of course humans outnumbered them all. But she couldn’t help but hope for an owl, hope that their kind would continue.
“We might be able to tell, if Alanna starts craving raw meat,” she continued, pulling back, wiping her eyes with the heels of her hands. “Other than that...we’ll just have to wait until she gives birth.”
"I think that might freak her out," he said with a sigh. "I need to explain a lot more about being an owl to her because she's just human and won't understand if it just starts happening without any warning." He didn't want her startled, not if he could help it. "Which reminds me that I wanted to ask if I can stay over there tonight. I know we've got that barbeque thing tomorrow, but I figured if I was already there I could just drive her over whenever it's time for the whole meet and greet bit."
Justice nodded. “I know I found it hard; I wasn’t speaking to Grandma at the time, so I didn’t have anyone to help.” Naya had done what she could, but they’d both been a little in the dark about it all. “But let Alanna know she can come to me if she has any questions.” She was glad Jason had invited Alanna along to the barbeque - that way, Justice got to hopefully spend a little time with her, get to know her better. There was no point in being angry at Alanna, it wasn’t her fault after all.
“I take it her parents still aren’t back from wherever?” Justice frowned. “Is she by herself when you’re not there?” Alanna might not be related to her by blood, but she was carrying Lucas’ child, and that made her family. And family shouldn’t be alone.
"I'll let her know," Lucas agreed. Maybe that would be a good thing, something for the both of them to bond over. Something to make them closer. "No," he said with a sigh. "I haven't even met her parents yet because they're always off galavanting somewhere or other." He let out a long breath and looked up at his mother. "She's not alone exactly, but servants aren't the same as having family around and I don't like leaving her in that big house with a bunch of maids and butlers and crap."
Justice nodded, still frowning.
“You know she’s welcome to stay here, too?” She understood that Alanna’s house was probably far nicer to stay in, but still. If it was a choice between Alanna being alone, and having her here, Justice would choose here every time. “And yes, you can stay with her tonight.” That almost worked out better, anyway - if she was staying with Jason, she wouldn’t have to worry about the kids getting home ok, or about getting to work on Sunday morning.
"I'll tell her," he said with a little smile. "Does that mean I'll have to sleep on the sofa when she's here?" he teased. He wouldn't have sex with Alanna while his mother was in the house, but when she was in the same building as him, not sleeping with her would prove difficult. "What are you going to do tonight?" he asked her. "Going over to the boyfriend's place or are you steeling yourself for tomorrow?"
Justice rolled her eyes, grinning. “That’s kinda shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted, isn’t it?” She teased, nudging his hip with her foot. “No, you don’t have to sleep on the couch. Just try not to have noisy shower sex.” She grinned wickedly. “Don’t want to be setting a bad example for you, do I?” She shook her head at his second question, knowing she’d be spending the evening alone and looking forward to it.
“Nah. I’m gonna have a quiet night in, enjoy some peace and quiet.” She smiled. “Jason’s asked me to stay at his tomorrow night though, so again, up to you if you wanna stay here with Alanna, or over at her place.” Justice wasn’t fussed either way.
Lucas shuddered a little at her words. "Don't remind me," he laughed, getting up to put his guitar away in its case. "Run a hot bath and soak," he told her. "Just don't light yourself on fire with candles," he teased. Yeah, that would be bad. "I'll probably stay at Alanna's tomorrow too. He's already got the three girls there, right? Too many big cats for my owl to be completely at ease," he smiled. He wasn't actually worried about the girls, or Jason for that matter. Given the choice between four big cats and his mother or Alanna, he'd pick spending the night curled up next to the mother of his child.
“I’ll stay away from candles, I promise.” She rolled her eyes at him. “Honestly, you fall asleep in the bath and set your hair on fire one time, and does your son ever let you forget it?” She watched as he put away the guitar, smiling softly. There was a little bit less of an ache in her chest now, thinking of Kevin. Between Jason doing his damndest to break down her walls, and Lucas singing for her, some of the old hurts were starting to heal.
“And yeah, the girls’ll all be there. Think their boyfriends are getting kicked out at curfew though.” She wasn’t surprised Lucas chose Alanna - so would she, given the choice.
"Yeah, I think if I have to be surrounded by estrogen, I'll want it to be in the form of my girlfriend and not three lions that could eat me," he teased, flashing his mother a smile. "But maybe Sunday night I can get Alanna to stay over. We can have dinner or something," he suggested. Hey, it was worth a shot. "I know we all got off to a bit of a bad foot, but I think you'll like her if you give her a chance."
“I’d like that,” Justice murmured, smiling wider. She knew they’d got off on the wrong foot, knew she’d perhaps been a little unfair. But meeting your son’s girlfriend and realising she was pregnant in the same instant wasn’t exactly the easiest introduction. “I’m working early shift Sunday, so I should be home by about lunchtime.” She stood, tugging Lucas’ bedsheets straight. “You want dinner before you go? I was gonna make carbonara.” Nothing fancy, but she was craving pasta. That, plus a glass of wine and a long hot bath sounded like the perfect evening to her.
"Oh, that sounds good," he said with a nod. "Can I help?" He was busy reliving the memories of being little and getting snuggles and getting to make dinner with his mommy so he wasn't about to pass up the chance. "Puh-lease?" he said, poking out his lower lip for old times sake.
Justice just snorted, reaching out to ruffle his hair. “Yes, you can help.” The petted lip was adorable, but she kept that to herself. “C’mon, kiddo. If you’re very good, I might even let you stay up past your bedtime to watch South Park.” She remembered that being one of the long-running battles in the house on the weekends, when he’d been younger. Some things she was glad weren’t an issue anymore; bedtimes was one of them.
That got a laugh from him as he left the room with his mother behind him. "Oh goodie, I'll have to be real good then," he teased, flashing a smile at his mother. Yeah, he could deal with more conversations like this one. Growing up might not be so bad after all.