You still love her Who: Izumi and Randall What: Awkward conversation ahoy When: Tuesday evening Where: Izumi’s place Warning: Awkward conversations and some angst
Rand had gotten almost no sleep today. Work had been hell, he hadn’t wanted crawl into a bottle and never come out so much in the last ten years than he had after the whole ordeal with Nori. He’d gone home, showered, climbed into bed and been tormented by memories of the past, good and bad, in his dreams. He could control other people’s dreams so easily now, but his own were unaffected by his powers. It really sucked.
By noon he’d just given up on sleeping entirely. He needed to find out if there was any food or drinks they wanted him to bring to Noah’s party. Rand didn’t just want to take up space and make everyone feel awkward, he’d feel better about being there if they let him help out somehow. It was still going to be the most awkward birthday party ever, considering not only would he and Nori be uncomfortable, she’d be scrutinizing Rupert as well. He didn’t envy the guy for that. He knew where he stood with Izumi’s mother, the shrink had to make a good impression.
Speaking of helping out, his daughter worked long hours and cooking was probably the last thing she wanted to do after picking up her son from daycare. So he’d grabbed a couple of steaks and baked potatoes with some chicken strips and fries for Noah from the bar and grill he’d taken Justice to. While he’d liked the Cherokee woman, seeing Nori again had rattled him. He hadn’t even called her and probably wouldn’t. Maybe as a friend, but really, what woman wanted to hear about him pining for the woman he’d walked out on twenty-five years before? Justice would probably smack him. And he’d deserve it. For now, he was bringing his daughter and grandson dinner and trying wheedle out something he could do to help for Noah’s birthday party.
And not thinking about her mother or hoping she might be there. Not at all.
Izumi hadn't been home long. She'd not even figured out what to make for dinner that night and after setting Noah down in his playpen in the living room she sighed and moved to the kitchen, thankful that there were such things as microwaves. Still she managed to spend more time staring into the freezer than actually doing anything about making any sort of dinner. Maybe she'd skip it and just fix something for Noah instead.
That was starting to sound like a really good plan until she heard the sound of her door being knocked on and she headed back through the living room to answer it. She wasn't expecting her father, but there he was before her. She smiled and stepped aside, motioning for him to come in. "I wasn't expecting you." she admitted. "But it's a pleasant surprise." As it always was. It was nice getting to know her father even if they did have plenty of ghosts in their past. To Izumi it didn't matter much, he was still her father. As her eyes moved over him, she realized he had take out boxes in his hands. "If you brought us dinner, you are a lifesaver." she commented. "I was just in the kitchen trying to figure out what to make."
Real men admitted their mistakes and while it had taken him some time to get around to admitting them or at least to trying to amend them in some way, he still had done it. That was the important thing.
“I probably should have called first,” he admitted. “I wasn’t thinking.” He chuckled and offered her the boxes. “Yeah, I did. I hadn’t eaten dinner yet either and I doubted you’d feel like cooking.” There was no way he could make amends for what he’d done to her and her mother. All he could do was pick things up from here and try to do his best to be there for her now. Admitting he’d made mistakes and done so many things wrong was easy. Forgiving himself for it was the hard part. Rand knew he wasn’t even close. “There’s some chicken fingers and fries in the little box for Noah. I didn’t think he had enough teeth for steak yet.”
Izumi took the boxes with a smile. "Thank you." she said. "That was really sweet of you. If you'll grab Noah and get him in his high chair, I'll get us something to drink and we can sit and eat." she said. Of course she was thinking there must be something else on her father's mind. He seemed a bit off and she wasn't sure if it was just because she was tired or if he was, but something was different. "What would you like?" she asked, heading towards the doorway that led into the kitchen.
Rand nodded and went to the playpen to get his grandson. “Hey there, big guy,” he teased as he lifted him up. “So you haven’t managed to escape confinement yet, huh?” He was surprised the playpen held the little boy. Or else he was tired too. He probably had a long day at daycare. It would be nice to see him and his mother when they both hadn’t just had a long day, but his work schedule meshed badly with his daughter’s. Settling the little boy against his shoulder, he headed for the dining room table. “Whatever you have is fine,” he told his daughter. “So long as it doesn’t have any alcohol in it.” As much as he’d wanted a beer since yesterday, he wasn’t going down that path again.
Pouring herself and her father a glass of iced tea, she sat those on the table with the take out boxes and got a sippy cup for Noah. Filling the cup with juice, she snapped the lid in place and handed it to the little boy. "Grandpa is spoiling you, isn't he?" she questioned the little boy who just gurgled and smiled that cute little grin of his. Turning away once more, she collected a couple of pairs of utensils and went about cutting up Noah's food for him first. "Long day?" she asked her father.
He got Noah settled in his highchair with his cup, chuckling at Izumi’s accusation. “That’s what grandpa’s are supposed to do, right?” he challenged. His grandfather had been more of a mentor than a spoiler, but he couldn’t deny the man had doted on him because of their shared gift. “You’re worse than your mother, let me do that,” he scolded, taking the utensils away from her and cutting up the rest of the food for the baby. “Eat,” he said. “All I did all day was try to sleep, so regardless how that went, your day was longer.” He dropped some of the chopped up chicken pieces and fries on the tray in front of Noah. “Your food’s going to be stone cold.”
Izumi relinquished the utensils and let her father take over cutting up Noah's food. "You seem a little tired." she commented, nodding a little as she began to cut her own steak into pieces for herself. "What kept you up?" she asked. He'd said he 'tried' to sleep, not that he actually slept so she was even more aware that something was weighing on his mind. She had the sneaking suspicion that the something was her mother. The meeting hadn't gone exceptionally well and she had been thinking about it a lot herself.
It was pretty obvious what had been bothering him, but Rand didn’t want his daughter to know what he was actually thinking. Partially because the last thing he wanted to do was put ideas in her head. Yes, he was painfully aware the feelings he’d had for her mother were still there. But Nori clearly hated him and that was it. “I don’t ever sleep well,” he told her honestly as he cut into his own steak. He noticed Noah watching them eat. “I can give him a few little pieces. Mine’s pretty well done. That okay?” At worst the meat would be too much work for the baby and he’d give up and go back to the easier to chew chicken. “I’ve been in too many people’s nightmares, and it kind of comes back to me when I sleep even now. Occupational hazard of not learning to control my powers sooner, probably.”
She nodded at his question. "That's fine." she assured her father. "If he gets bored with it or doesn't like it, he just spits it out because he knows Mommy will clean it up." she said, a bright smile crossing her lips as she looked over at her son and took a bite of her own steak. He was such a well behaved baby. Her little boy and he was going to be two. Where did the time go? "So you've been remembering people's nightmares?" she asked. She still didn't think that was everything that was going on. She could tell that there was far more to the situation than he was letting out and she planned to prod him until she got some answers.
Rand nodded and cut a couple of slivers of steak off, dropping them in front of Noah. It was good steak, but steak was kind of involved eating. Especially for a baby who wasn’t quite two. She had no idea how much he understood the ‘where did the time go?’ His baby girl was twenty five and had a baby of her own, after all. He nodded at her question. “Yeah,” he said, not wanting to explain. “Like I said, it’s just one of the things that happened because I was so careless with my powers most of my life.” She didn’t want to know the reason he’d given up sleeping was he kept reliving that horrible last day, when he’d struck Noriko during their final argument. First of all, it would kill what appetite he had. Second of all, he didn’t even know if she knew about that and didn’t really want to relive it again to explain it. “I’ll be fine.”
"Are you sure that's all?" she questioned. "You just seem... off." Izumi flicked her eyes to her father for a moment and let them memorize every line in his face. Lines from living a hard life. Little memories carved in his skin from days gone by. "If there's something wrong, I'd like to know what it is." she said. "I can't help you if I don't even know what's ailing you in the first place. Is it Mama?" she asked. "Is it the party? Do you not want to be there?"
And now she was needling him. Rand took a deep breath and a drink of his tea before he let himself respond. “I want to go to the party,” he insisted. “I came over to ask you face to face if you’d let me help out. Even if it’s bringing a bag of chips or soda or something. Because if I called you, you’d tell me you didn’t need anything and brush me off.” He was not, under any circumstances, wanting to talk about her mother. “I want to do what I can for you and your son. But you don’t ever ask anything of me. I don’t expect you to trust or rely on me, but I want to be there for you.”
"Chips and soda would be nice." she told him. "It's not going to be a massive party or anything but it'll be several people. You and Mama and Rupert, Felicity, Jayne and Odette. I think the daycare babies will get their cupcake fix and I don't want to have a ton of people over since my place isn't enormous." she shrugged. She was glad he wanted to help out and it made her frown to see him suffering. "I want you around and I want you to be here for me and Noah and I know you think that I shouldn't trust you or rely on you but, Daddy, I do." She sighed and pushed her hair back behind her ear, drawing in a long breath as she looked over her father's face. "I know that you did some horrible things. I know that you ran away, I know that you weren't in my life, and I'm aware that you've done things that you're not proud of. That, however, doesn't change the fact that if it weren't for you, I wouldn't exist. You gave me life, you and Mama. I have plenty of love and respect for you, whether you deserve it or not."
He nodded. “You should have asked Rupert to have it at his place,” he pointed out. “What’s the point of dating a rich shrink if you don’t let him flaunt it to impress you a little?” He was teasing, but it was true. It would probably make the guy feel a little better and less awkward. “Besides, then he would at least have home court advantage when Nori gives him the third degree.” He sobered at her words, getting progressively more grim as she went on. Yeah, that was just it. He didn’t deserve it and it just made him feel more guilty and determined to try at the same time. The things Noriko had said to him yesterday had stung, no matter how justified she was. “Helping her make you was the only good thing I ever did for your mother,” he muttered, putting down his fork and knife. His appetite was officially shot. “I’m sorry I said that you never let me help. I’m not like your mother, I don’t know you well enough to just do things for you. So I need some help here. Okay?”
Perhaps he was right, maybe she should have asked Rupert to have the party at his place. "Hopefully Mama won't scare him off." she commented with a little shrug. "You're getting to know me." she told him. "You're trying. If you want to help me, then I want you to try and stop blaming yourself." Izumi said to her father. "I know this isn't easy for you." she murmured, reaching out to take his hand. "And it's not easy for me either, but I want you in my life. And in Noah's life." she explained. "Don't try and atone for the past because we're not there anymore. We're here, now. What happened back then is a distant memory and really if things were as bad as they seem to have been, you may have helped me by leaving. I'm not saying that to hurt you, because that doesn't change the fact that I love you, but you leaving was just as much a fatherly thing to do as you staying. You knew how bad things were and you chose to leave to spare me and Mama. Whether you can see it or not, that was self-sacrificing and that took a lot from you. I can see it everytime I see you. The hurt, the pain, the regret. But I don't regret a single second that you've been back in my life and I don't hate you nor will I ever."
“If he lets your mother scare him off, he doesn’t deserve you,” he said firmly. “She’s not that scary.” Then she went and asked the one thing of him Rand knew he couldn’t do. It was bad enough she told him not to try to atone for the past, she tried to make him running out on them sound like some sort of subconscious noble effort on his part. That hurt more than Nori reminding him how useless he’d been when he had been around. “I left because I hit your mother,” he ground out quietly. “We got into an argument over one of her dreams and I was drunk and high and I hit her. I was terrified and messed up and I can still see her face before she ran off and locked herself in the bathroom.” God, that had taken it out of him yesterday, seeing her look at their daughter with that same betrayed expression. “I ran away because I couldn’t deal with what I’d done. Yeah, I hope to God I spared you both not dealing with that on a daily basis for however long she would have put up with it, but don’t think for a minute I knew what the hell I was doing on any level.”
Izumi agreed with that. She hoped that her mother wouldn't have the power to scare Rupert off. He was a wonderful man and he seemed to care for her and she was fairly certain that he liked her enough to not let her mother run him off with his tail between his legs. "Did you ever hit another woman?" she questioned him. "After Mama?" She was fairly certain her mother had spared her that part of the story for her own good. She'd never really said much about her father if she hadn't been forced to and Izumi couldn't blame her, but that didn't mean she wanted to know any less.
That question hurt more. Rand took a deep breath and looked down. “Yes,” he admitted grimly. “Debbie and I would beat on each other. She’d get mad at me, lay into me and I’d go off and lay her out. It happened over and over, because we were both drunk and high most of the time.” His marriage to his wife had been a nightmare. They were both drunks and drug addicts who did nothing but cheat on and abuse each other the entire time they were married. Rand pushed his chair back and stood up. He didn’t expect Izumi to take the news well, but he wasn’t going to lie to her either.
She listened to what he had to say, not exactly happy with the revelations, but she couldn't really fault him for things that he'd done in the past. Izumi could tell that all the regret on his face wasn't from just leaving her mother, but from being abusive not only to Noriko, but also to Debbie. He'd had a difficult life full of hardships and the guilt weighed heavily on the man. She could see it in his eyes, even in the way that he carried himself. Everything about him said that he was walking with boulders that he'd been carrying for damn near his entire life.
Izumi stood up as well, walking round the back of Noah's chair and brushing her fingers over the little boy's hair as she went towards Rand. "Are you high now? No." she said softly. "Are you abusive now? No. Do you love me now? Yes. Does anything that happened before you came into my life again matter to me? No." She let out a little sigh, a shaky one at best as she moved closer to him and slipped her arms around the large man. "I can't tell you that I'm pleased with the things you've done or that you were the best father ever or that you even did a lot of good in your life, but you're here now and from what I've seen, I know that you love me and you love Noah and that's more important to me that the last twenty-five years of nothingness."
Rand let out a pained laugh. “Yeah, I didn’t expect you to be,” he told her as he gently wrapped his arms around her. “I was just being honest. Because I don’t want to lie to you or make you think I’m someone I’m not. I did all of those things, and denying the truth doesn’t help anyone.” He sighed and hugged her gently. “You’re wrong. I always loved you. I just wasn’t any good to you. I knew it. Debbie threw it in my face over and over when we fought. It was my worst button and she knew it. She was so insanely jealous of your mother and you. Even though she’d only seen one picture. She knew I didn’t love her, and we were just together because we had nobody else.” He shook his head, not wanting to travel too far down that particular memory lane. “Sorry, it’s just once you start remembering, it’s hard to stop.”
Izumi just stayed there, letting herself get caught up in the warmth of him. The smell of him. She wondered how her life would have been different had he never shown up that day in the club. She wondered how it would have been different had he never left at all. There were plenty of thoughts and horrors going through her head, but for now she just wanted to hold him, so that was what she did. "You kept a picture of us?" she asked him. He really had loved her all along. It wasn't easy to keep it together after hearing that, but it was nice to know that he'd never stopped loving her.
Rand sighed and reached into his back pocket with one hand and pulled out his wallet, Digging out the picture, he dropped it in the table so she could see. It was a cheap little wallet family portrait taken when she was few weeks old. The edges were worn round and it had been taped back together a couple of times. Rand swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths. “Yeah,” he said. “It pissed her off to no end. She tried to rip it up a couple of times when she got angry about it.” He wrapped his arms back around Izumi and just held her.
She looked at the picture, one she had a few wallet sized copy of herself, and smiled a little. "I can't believe that you kept that old thing." she breathed. "I'll have to get you a replacement." And perhaps an updated copy if she could convince her mother to do such a thing. She didn't mention it just now, not wanting to drudge up sore wounds.
That was so absurd he couldn’t help but laugh. “It was the only picture I had of you and your mom,” he pointed out. “Why wouldn’t I keep it?” He shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter. I would like a picture of you and Noah together. Although I have the one of him you gave me.” He’d taken a couple of pictures of them with his phone’s camera. But nothing portrait like. “I’m getting old,” he declared. “And sentimental.” He shook his head, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose to try and get his eyes to stop stinging. “Your dinner’s getting cold. Steak sucks reheated.” It was better they got off this topic. There was a lot about his past, especially his marriage, his daughter wouldn’t ever want to know. Time to change the subject.
"I'll get you some pictures." she promised. "Maybe I can convince you to take some with us." she added. "And I plan on having a bunch taken at the party so you can have some copies of those too." She wanted him to feel included in his grandson's life and in hers as well. Pictures were the least she could do. Reluctantly she released him and moved to sit back down again, picking up her fork and looking at her son. "Tell Grandpa he's not that old." she smiled.
“I’d like that, thanks,” he said. “Just make sure you take the camera from your mother. Or you’ll never get any pictures of her. I swear she does it on purpose.” He didn’t know if she’d changed about that, but she’d been all about pictures of the baby when Izumi was little. That was skirting a little too close to a topic he was avoiding. Luckily, Izumi hadn’t pounced on the fact he’d said Debbie was jealous of Nori. Maybe she was just sparing him after that horrible story he’d told her. He sat down and at least attempted to pick at his food. He chuckled at that. “Grandpa is old,” he countered. “I didn’t age nearly as well as your mother, that’s for damned sure. How many people ask you if your older sister is single?” Oh God, now he’d given her an opening. Crap.
She arched a brow at her father. It was certainly clear as day now. She'd thought she caught a hint of something when he said Debbie was jealous, but that could have been just because she'd had a baby with Randall, not because he cared about her still. Saying she aged well and being curious if people asked if she was single had her putting the pieces together. "You still love her." she said, her fork pausing in mid air.
He’d meant that as a comment about how Nori was still so young and beautiful, not that he was jealous. It bothered Rand deeply that she’d never found anyone. A good man who’d treat her the way she deserved. He knew that was his fault. If he hadn’t been so terrible to her, then maybe she would have let another guy in. The accusation made him wince, especially since he said he wouldn’t lie to her. “It doesn’t matter,” he dismissed. “Your mother made it perfectly clear how she feels about me. And nobody can blame her.” He took a couple of bites of food, hoping she’d let it go.
Like she'd actually let it go. Fat chance. "She's angry. She's not made anything clear yet because one; she doesn't know that you still love her, and two; it's a lot to handle all at once." she told her father. Now she was going to have to prod her mother and find out if she still loved him too, which she knew already. No matter how angry she might have seemed, there were embers still burning from that old flame. Izumi just wasn't sure if they could be rekindled. "You didn't deny it, so I'm guessing it's true." she murmured, taking that bite that had been hovering. "You'll never know how she feels unless you tell her how you feel. Don't you owe her that honesty?" she questioned
“You are just like her, you know?” he grumbled. “Izumi, that ship sailed twenty-five years ago when I backhanded her and ran out the door and never came back. Let it go.” Nori had every right to hate him, never trust him again. “I owe it to her not to corner her with my feelings when we already forced her to deal with my presence in the first place. It’s too late and I don’t want to hurt her more now trying to make her deal with more. I accepted the fact a long time ago.”
"You owe it to her to be honest." Izumi told her father. "What if she loves you just as much but she's being just as stubborn and hiding those feelings? She never dated, she never did anything with anyone since the day you left and I always knew it was because she still pined for you. I can tell." she muttered, looking down at her food with her brows furrowed, little lines popping up between her eyebrows. "You two are like teenagers, dancing around each other's feelings. She's angry. And hurt. And I know you don't want to hurt her anymore and neither do I, but I don't want you holding something in that is that important." she sighed. "If someone loved me, the way you obviously still love Mama, I'd want to know."
Did she have to remind him? “You think that makes me feel better?” he replied. “That she never even looked again? That she never found someone who would be the man she deserved to have? It kills me, Izumi. That isn’t what I wanted for her when I left and while I stayed away all those years. She deserves better than me. Even now. I know what you’re thinking and I don’t blame you, but it doesn’t work that way. Even if she has feelings for me still, she will never, ever trust me again. And I don’t blame her and you can’t have a relationship with no trust. I have been there and done that and this time, I am not high, drunk and lonely enough to try to fool myself into thinking that it works that way.”
"You're not even giving her a chance to decide if she wants to trust you again." she pointed out. "I can't force you to tell her how you feel no more than I can do the same to her, but it's obvious that there's still something between the two of you more than just me." She forced herself to take a couple more bites of her food, swallowing down some tea to chase it. She wanted to tell her mother the truth about how he felt, wanted to push them together so they could figure this mess out, but at the same time, she didn't want to hurt either of them. "I know it's the fantasy of every child of a broken home to hope their parents work out." she started. "And if Noah's father showed up and told me he still loved me I don't know what I'd do. But I'd want to hear it. I'd want to know the truth. I'd hope that he felt that he owed me the courtesy of telling me the truth and letting me make the decision for myself."
“Trust doesn’t work that way, Izumi,” he reminded her. “In the brief time I’ve been back in your lives, I have done absolutely nothing to earn her trust back. I didn’t tell her I’d found you, I didn’t make any attempts to contact her at all. I didn’t make you tell her first either. Why in the hell would she want to hear me tell her I love her when I’ve done absolutely nothing to prove it” He took a deep breath, not managing to bite back his response to her comparing their situation to her own with Noah’s father. “If his father shows up, I hope you slam the door in his face and break his nose.” It was completely different. Noah’s father had tried to make her abort their baby and walked out on her when she refused. That was just about the most vile thing he’d ever heard and considering where he was coming from, that was saying something.
Izumi sighed. "I don't know how trust works." she told him. "I'm twenty-five years old and the most trusting relationship I've had has been between myself and my two year old." Which was true. She loved and trusted her mother, but as the last few weeks had shown, it wasn't enough. She'd kept things from her, to spare her, but she'd done it all the same. "So maybe you haven't earned it or proved it, but why don't you start now and do something about it instead of making yourself feel like crap about it?" she asked.
That hurt, even though he knew it was the truth. “I don’t want to hurt her again,” he told her honestly. “And it will. Because she’ll rightfully wonder if I really loved her, why didn’t I come back for her? You heard her yesterday. She thinks I came back for you. I don’t think she wants to hear otherwise. It’s just-” Rand couldn’t explain it, but he knew it was a bad idea. “It’s too soon. She just found out yesterday I didn’t die in some gutter years ago. I don’t want to pile more on her now. This whole thing is a mess enough without that.”
"Then maybe don't tell her tomorrow, but you should tell her." she sighed. "I know it's not easy and I know you don't want to hurt her, but..." Shrugging, Izumi shook her head. "I don't have any right to tell you how to live your life." she told him. "I just think that you're not really able to see what she sees or feel what she feels and you're just assuming you know. She should get to decide and she can't because she doesn't know. It's not my business to tell her, so I won't, but you should. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not a month from now, but you should tell her."
She really was just like her mother. “Do not guilt trip me, young lady,” he warned. “I don’t like that passive aggressive sh-” Sitting next to a two year old, he was not going to swear. “-crap. Say what you think to me, not this ‘Well, if this is how you feel but I think it’s wrong but I’m not telling you that because that would start a fight’. I hate that. Okay?”
"Then tell her. I think that you're being an ignorant as-" Yeah, now he had her riled up and if he wanted to hear what she wanted to say she needed to think about it first. "Person." she sighed. "You're making all the decisions and assuming things that might not even be true and it's not fair. It's wrong, it's going to make things worse and you're doing it as a way to punish yourself but you're probably punishing Mama too." There, that was how she felt. "I think that she'd be more hurt not knowing that you came looking for her too, that you still love her, than by knowing the truth. If she doesn't love you anymore, she can tell you that, she can yell and scream and cry and be angry at you if that makes her feel better, but you should man up and take it. Not keep it all in as some masochistic way of punishing yourself. If you want to be punished, she can do it just fine. Believe me, I know."
Izumi didn’t understand. He wasn’t punishing himself. He was terrified of putting his heart out like that, because most likely it would just get smashed. Because Noriko would do all of that and more. “Yeah, and then we’ll be back to not being able to stand to be in the same room together,” he pointed out. “I didn’t come here looking for her. I came here to try and help you, because I didn’t expect either of you to want anything to do with me. You don’t need me, Izumi. But you want me in your and Noah’s lives. That means more to me than you can know. But I don’t want to jeopardize that because I never got over your mother. I don’t know how I feel about her anymore. She’s not the same woman she was twenty-five years ago. I am not the same man. Until we get to know who we are now, we can’t know. And if we start out with another ugly confrontation too soon, it will just make everything worse.”
"You're wrong." she told him. "I do need you. I need you and I want you. In my life and Noah's life. You're my father for crying out loud. I wouldn't care if you were Hitler reincarnated, you're my daddy and I'll be damned if I just let that slip away." She drew in a breath and glanced at Noah who looked about like he wanted to cry, picking up on his mother's emotions. Gently she caressed his cheek and leaned over to press a kiss to his forehead. Flashing him a smile, despite her watery eyes, she tapped the tip of his nose with her finger.
Turning her attention to her father again, she nodded. "You're right, you're not the same man and she's not the same woman. And I'm not a baby anymore either. People change and grow up and maybe you two will never be what you used to be but maybe the people you are now love each other just as much. I agree that another confrontation wouldn't be the right thing to do, but you do need to tell her how you feel. You'll know when the time is right. I don't want to fight with you or argue about things that I don't have any control over." And she didn't. She couldn't make him talk to her mother no more than she could make her mother talk to him. "I love you, but you can be a pain in my rear end, you know that?"
Okay, the fact the two of them were about to break into tears hurt. He sighed and slumped in his seat a bit, feeling like a complete ass. He hadn’t meant to have an argument with her. “I know you’re not a baby, Izumi,” he told her. “Which is why I didn’t deny it. I said I wouldn’t lie to you. And I’m not. I don’t know how I feel right now. The last twenty-four hours have been the worst I’ve had in years. Because everything came rushing back and I don’t know what to do or think. But I don’t want to rush in and make things worse. Especially not tomorrow. Tomorrow, I’d prefer to pretend like this isn’t one of the more messed up situations ever. For Noah’s sake. Okay?”
Izumi nodded. "Okay." she agreed. They owed it to Noah to let him have a good birthday and to be a two year old for crying out loud. "I just want you to be happy. Same as I want for Mama and for Noah." And for the universe if she could make that happen, but she knew that some dreams were impossible. "I'm just a firm believer that if someone is in your heart and won't go away, then maybe they're there for a reason." She smiled a little at him, glad that the arguing had subsided. "I can't believe he's going to be two." she breathed, pushing the subject in another direction and hoping it was a happier one. "Feels like yesterday that I found out he existed."
Thank God. He didn’t want to argue about it in the first place. “I want you and your mother and Noah to be happy too,” he told her. “And I do love you. Even when you play your mother’s mind games with me.” He was all too happy with the subject change. “Yeah, they grow up fast,” he countered wryly. “Wait until he’s twenty-five and has kids of his own. Then you’ll really feel it.”
"I'd rather not think about the time when I'll be nearing my fifties." she sighed. "Hopefully I age as well as Mama." she smiled. "And she does get called my sister constantly, by the way." she told her father. No doubt he'd know that already. Her mother was beautiful, even at her age. She looked at least ten years younger than her actual age if not more than that. "Do you think that Noah will be like us?" she questioned, biting her lower lip at the thought.
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being almost fifty,” he pretended to be offended. “Especially as good as your mother makes it look.” Yes, that was not helping. He wasn’t going to lie, so long as she didn’t push. He looked every one of his forty-six years and then some. Her question sobered him a bit. “I don’t know,” he said. “He’s a little too young. I didn’t start dream wandering until I was five or so. If you want, I can check on your dreams and your mother’s from time to time. Since those are the places he’d be likely to wander first. You always start with the dreams of those closest to you. It’s easier to enter their dreams and manipulate them. People you don’t know as well are much harder.”
Izumi nodded a little at his words. "I'd like that." she told him. "I'm still nowhere near practiced. It's always a surprise and honestly when it happens I'm usually terrified and I just want to wake up so I can come back to reality." she admitted. Often times she didn't even want to go to sleep for fear of walking. "I'm almost afraid to practice." she added, worrying on her lower lip. "I don't know the first thing about all of this. So that's just one more reason that proves that I need you."
“You gotta practice,” he warned her. “Once Noah’s gone to bed and is asleep, I’ll show you how to enter the trance like state I use when I do it on purpose. One of the things I learned to do too late in life. Once you can do that on your own, it makes it easier to escape a dream that might be dangerous. Stay out of mine, unless I’m wandering. I wasn’t lying when I said I relive other people’s nightmares. Your mother had some bad ones, but doesn’t sound like you’ve ever seen any of those. Noah’s will be the easiest for you. You know him better than anybody and he’s not going to dream of anything that can hurt you.” He chuckled. “Rupert’s dreams could be fun for you, but I’ll take a pass on guiding you there. I don’t really want to know what he dreams about when he’s thinking of you.” Yes, the guy had it that bad and no matter how much of a proper English gentleman he was, he was still a man in love with a beautiful woman.
The thought of walking on purpose made her stomach tie up in knots. Still, she knew that it was better to be safe than sorry and so she agreed with a nod. She was terrified of what her father's dreams might hold if they were so bad that he didn't want her wandering into them. She shook her head a little. "I've wandered into her dreams before, but I don't think I ever realized I was wandering." she admitted. "But none were all that bad. Just run of the mill dreams usually. Walking around, doing normal things. I guess I've just been terribly lucky."
As for Rupert's dreams, Izumi flushed. She couldn't help but be curious now what the man might think of her and what he might be doing with her in his dreams. Swallowing down a little lump in her throat, she let out a nervous laugh. "Noah's will be the best bet." she agreed. "His bedtime is coming up soon anyway."
“Well, when I was wandering in your mother’s dreams, she was pregnant and dealing with a lover who had a serious drug and alcohol problem. She didn’t have that issue when you were old enough to dreamwalk, I’m sure.” Yeah, he knew how hard his problems had been on Nori and didn’t pretend he didn’t. “Babies’ dreams are the best. It’s a trip. I remember walking in yours. None of it made sense, but it wasn’t scary. Just kind of weird.”
Izumi didn't want to think about the horrible things her mother might have been dreaming about. She'd had her share of negative dreams when she was pregnant with Noah so she could relate. "I've wandered through his a few times." she laughed. "Colors and lights and sounds. Weird things." she agreed. Like clouds that were actually animals or candy that functioned as furniture. It was like being high, she assumed, but she kept that thought to herself.
Those dreams had been the worst. Rand had started to completely lose his grip on reality with those dreams. A couple of times he’d not realized they had been just dreams. If he’d not been such a junkie and a drunk, Nori might have begun to suspect, considering some of things he’d said to her after the worst ones. Her comment the night before about him not even being together enough to comfort her after said nightmares had been one of the most hurtful ones. If he’d had more training, hadn’t been such a waste, had even been honest with her about his gifts, he could have helped her. He couldn’t take that back, couldn’t change the past. But he could help Izumi now. “Yeah, that’s what they’re like,” he said. “I think you were aware I was there. Because you’d dream about my dream form a lot. You might still. Ever see an inky black hawk fly through your dreams?’
His words made a lot of things make sense. Especially when he mentioned the hawk. "I always wondered why I saw that." she breathed, as if she was completely taken aback because she was. Getting up from the chair where she was sitting, she began to putter about cleaning up after Noah who was getting fussy about sitting too long. "I have seen it. You.... whatever. The hawk." she nodded. "Many times. I thought perhaps it was just something from a movie or a television show or something."
“Yeah, I’ve always done that,” he admitted. “Not sure why. I didn’t ever ask my grandfather, who was probably the only one who could tell me. Might just be how I visualize myself. Now I use it so I don’t disturb people who’s dreams I walk into.” He picked up Noah from his high chair and sat him down on the floor. He could keep an eye on him for awhile. “If it makes you feel better, I don’t do it by accident anymore unless I’m running on a couple days of sleep debt. Once you have it down, you won’t be in any danger of wandering around aimlessly. So don’t worry so much.”
Izumi let out a sigh of relief. "Good." she breathed. "I guess it's all a little daunting. Terrifying really. To think that so much could possibly go wrong. I don't even want to think about all the bad things." she said as she dumped the trash into the garbage and tucked the dishes into the dishwasher. Grabbing a washcloth from the drawer, she got it damp with water and soap and washed off Noah's high chair tray. "I'm glad you came back." she told him. "I don't know how I'd handle all of this if I was alone in it."
Rand got up and picked up Noah, hoisting him up over one shoulder and bouncing him a bit. Little boys liked things like being hung upside down and carried like sacks of potatoes. This was something that came naturally for him. “Part of that is my fault,” he admitted. “I probably scared you with how I let my own lack of control mess me up. It isn’t something that happens very often and it was my fault for basically not getting help from my grandfather sooner. Most dreamwalkers don’t end up being driven as crazy as I was with it.”
"I think I'll feel a lot better once I'm more confident in my abilities. Right now it's just this big... thing and I feel like I'm just powerless to it. I don't want to feel like that. I want to be in control and to be able to use it at will. So, maybe I need to figure out a day that you and I can work on this together. At least until I'm more prepared to do it alone. I don't want to take up all your time during the week, but I can shift things around a bit if you're willing." He said he wanted to help her so she was fairly certain that he'd meant it. Practice would make perfect, she hoped.
He nodded. “I always have Tuesday and Wednesdays off,” he reminded her. Although that might not work with her schedule. “I can ask from time off if we need to. My bosses are nice people and they know I’m a dreamwalker. I offered to help out on the full moon.” He was hoping he might be able to soothe away some of the worst of the bad dreams of the weres. It would be nice to use his gifts to help people for once. “We’ll figure something out.”
"Well maybe we can do Tuesday Evenings." she said to him. "Most days I'm off in the early afternoon and if you're up later anyway because you work nights then that'd probably be good for you too, right?" She would adjust her workload to make sure she wasn't too tired on those days. She wanted to be completely focused when she and Rand got to work together on her abilities..
Rand nodded again. “That works,” he said. “I’m sure Rupert would be happy to let you go early if you talk to him.” If he wasn’t, once again, the guy didn’t deserve her. “My sleep schedule is a mess. Don’t worry about it.” He grinned and flipped Noah off his shoulder, catching the little boy easily before hanging him upside down. “Now we just have to figure out how to wear you out so you go to sleep,” he teased his grandson as he tickled him.
Izumi smiled at Rand as he played with her son. No man that could treat a baby so well could be all bad. No one that got him to laugh and smile the way that Rand could was a bad person, regardless of their past. Children were just like animals as far as Izumi was concerned. They were a good judge of character. Randall wasn't a bad person and Noah's laughter was a good enough indicator of that fact.