Text Messages & Narrative; one mother to another
WHO: Quinn and Shelby (NPC); mentions of Puckerman, Gilmore, Costigan, Berry, P.Stuart and Pierce WHEN: Friday; 12/16, after school WHERE: the school Auditorium WHAT: Quinn, fresh off a bunch of introspective moments following her incident with Olivia, takes the bull by the horns and seeks out Shelby Cocoran. First; she texts a few people.
Text to Eoin
Decided you were right. Going for broke. Wish me luck.
Text to Rachel
I know I asked you to come, but I can't wait. Talking to Shelby today. I'll let you know.
When she woke up that morning, she hadn't really intended on doing this today. She was serious when she'd asked Rachel to come with her, she'd figured if anyone would be helpful in that situation, it would be Rachel. Even if they weren't on the best of terms, they were almost friends, which was a step up for them really. But she'd plummeted from the high of their Saturday win, her little thing with Pollux, whatever that was. Sunday was the start of so much that she just didn't stop feeling the weight.
She didn't mind when Eoin had unloaded on her, didn't mind giving him money or reassurance, but it definitely clouded over her for a while. Worry and sympathy and just a little bit of pity making her mellow out from the endorphin overload. And then Olivia happened.
For sure, everything that they talked about on Tuesday had been the cause of a foul mood the remainder of her week. Between the knowledge that she was having Puck's baby, that she was keeping Puck's baby, the fact that Quinn got the impression that Olivia didn't realise just how emotionally draining it was to just talk about it, Quinn had been a wreck for hours afterwards. She didn't have some dutiful boyfriend to pat her back and tell her it was okay, she was the one in a car in the middle of nowhere sobbing until it hurt and listening to lightning crack around her.
She had no intentions at all on Friday to seek out the woman who adopted her own child, none. Eoin had encouraged her the same way Rachel had, the same way Brittany tried to do. It was the same words of reassurance; that Shelby would understand, that Shelby would be open to Quinn asking, that she would be helpful. Quinn couldn't tell for sure.
Would she really want Quinn near Beth? Quinn gave her up, Quinn signed the papers that revoked her rights. It was hard to believe that the woman raising her daughter would genuinely be okay with Quinn being around the little girl, didn't adoptive parents try to avoid that?
But Quinn wanted to try, she wanted to make the effort, to make the attempt, to try and have some part of Beth in her life; even if Shelby only let her see photos and videos. She couldn't even bring herself to ask Puck if he wanted to know, couldn't make herself talk to him right then, not with the emotions bubbling inside her and threatening to explode in yet another storm on the school car park.
Whatever her intentions, Quinn found herself in the auditorium at the end of the school day. Her heart was thumping in her chest as she whipped out her cell to send off two text messages before steeling herself and her nerves and stepping into the auditorium. Of course, inside, everything changed and her nerves flared up and her hands started shaking and her heart just kept thumping while she was stuck, standing there at the back of the room watching Shelby sit at the little directors desk in the middle of the room, writing whatever she was righting on her notebook, the props for the school musical already laid out. Her feet just took her further into the hall, her body acting while her brain fought to come up with some reason to run, to turn and leave now before she screwed something else up in her life.
She was two feet behind Ms Cocoran before she realised that she'd already made her decision. It was now or never...
"Ms. Cocoran?" She dearly hoped that Shelby at least recognised her, if not from the daughter she was raising then at least from the hospital where Puck named their daughter and Shelby took her home. "I- um, I was wondering if I could speak to you."
Shelby Cocoran was just the same as Quinn remembered her; stunningly attractive, demurely put together, stoic faced but warm eyed. It threw her off a little, until she noticed the small, almost not there, stain on Shelby's shoulder. The sign of motherhood. "I was wondering how much longer it would take you."
It wasn't like Quinn could expect Shelby to not have noticed the blond girl following her only to dart off any time it looked like a conversation or interaction might happen, the girl who turned and almost ran away any time Shelby was coming towards her in the hall. The one who loitered at her class room only to leave without saying a word. She was like the worlds worst stalker. "How?"
"Call it a mothers' intuition." The soft smile only makes Quinn a little uneasy. It's the same way Shelby smiled almost two years ago, outside the nursery at the hospital, watching Beth sleep in her little glass cot.
"That was- I mean, she's..." Quinn wasn't usually lost for words, she wasn't the sort to trip over her tongue or muddle up her thoughts; but Shelby, Beth, made all that self-assurance go away. She was flummoxed by the things she wanted but couldn't express, lost for the way to say things without messing it up, tangled in what she wanted, what she knew was right, what she figured would happen and what she hoped wouldn't. "I just wanted to ask about her, about Beth."
Quinn didn't even know for sure if Shelby had kept Puck's name, if she'd agreed to name her Beth or gone with something else. But then, if she had, Rachel would've said something, would've told Quinn and Noah, Rachel was just considerate like that.
"What did you want to know?" Shelby stays seated, unnerving Quinn just a little as she feels like she's on trial or something. It's the posture; it's not open or inviting, but it's not closed off either. It's just that way where Quinn knows that Shelby has yet to make up her mind, that Quinn is being judged. That what she says does matter.
"How she is, what she's like, if she looks like either of us, if she's walking, if she's talking." First words were important, weren't they, even as Quinn knew Beth would look at Shelby when she said 'mommy' and it hurt just a little more today than it did last week. "If she's happy and healthy." She wants to know if she was right, if she did do the right thing and Beth is in the right place.
Shelby gives her a small smile, "You know, I had to wait sixteen years to work up the courage to find those answers. I waited and waited before trying to find out what my baby turned out like." It's the hint of understanding in there, the implication that Shelby really does understand what Quinn is feeling, that Shelby knows the desolation inside. Quinn didn't think anyone could really understand that before; Puck to an extent, but Shelby really did. "Here," the drama teacher opens her purse, takes out a sheet and presents it out to Quinn.
She knows what it is, before she steps closer to take it, she knows exactly what it is. They never took a photo of Beth before they gave her up, at least she didn't. All she had was her ultrasound picture, the only one she'd really had of her daughter for so long. But there she was; pale little face, pink cheeks and pretty hazel eyes, blond curls and her silly little smile. Quinn almost felt a sob coming on. "She has his smile." The curls were hers, the eyes could be either of them, but her smile was Puck's. It was safe to say that Beth had Quinn's original nose too.
"She's a little dopey, but she's a lot like you." Quinn manages a watery smile, grateful that Shelby is giving her this much, hesitant to ask for more but somewhat desperate to try.
"Would you- I mean, I know-" they hadn't arranged for an open adoption, Quinn had tried not to think about it at the time. She didn't really think she'd be able to watch someone else raise her daughter, but she hadn't expected the need to see her to be this strong either. "Could I see her? We, I mean, if Puck wanted to, he might I don't-" she didn't want to speak for him, not right then, not with what was happening, but she didn't want to not include him. "I really just want to see her, to be part of her life, however small, I just,"
"I know," it's like something shifted, from Shelby's closed off manner to this somewhat understanding woman, Quinn gripping the picture of the girl they both loved like mothers, but only one of them truly understood motherhood to the little girl. "It's like a hole, one that won't heal. No matter what you try to tell yourself, it's always there." Quinn couldn't imagine sixteen years away from Beth. The strain it clearly put on Shelby and Rachel was horrifying to Quinn; she couldn't imagine that being her relationship with her daughter.
She didn't want to blow her hopes up too high, didn't want to imagine the outcomes, in case everything fell through and she just ended up breaking her own heart a little more. But it definitely seemed like Rachel had been right, that Eoin had been right. Shelby, undoubtedly, would be the only person to truly understand what it was to give up the child you bore, for her own good.
"She has a playdate, on Sunday at Laughing Jacks." Quinn knew it as the soft-foam play area in the mall, nodding slightly. "You could maybe meet us there."
"Of course, yes, that'd be great." Sunday was like, a day away. It was so close and Quinn couldn't stop nodding her head in that moment. Shelby held out her hand, and Quinn wondered what for before realising that she still held the photograph in her hand. "Oh, right." There was a slightly awkward moment, Shelby leaning over to write something down while Quinn stood there, wondering what to do before the older woman turned back to her.
"Here," this time, the photograph had a post-it note stuck on the back, Laughing Jacks and a time written on it. "You can keep that one."
She honestly couldn't believe how she'd blown things out of proportion, how majorly she'd worked herself up over the encounter. She believed all the worst outcomes and didn't actually think about the possibly positive ones. Wandering from the auditorium, picture clutched before her as she memorised the time she was to meet Shelby and see Beth, Quinn knew that she definitely owed Rachel and Eoin big time for their encouragement here.