Castor Stuart (sg_castor) wrote in supergleerpg, @ 2011-11-24 00:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | !type: thread, -2011: november, character: castor stuart, character: pollux stuart, ~complete |
Log: The twins make up and visit mom
Who: Castor and Pollux
When: November 19th, late [BACKDATED]
Where: A cemetery
What: Cas and Pol take time to visit their mother's grave just after their birthdays.
Warnings: Language, all around emo, creepy twin closeness...
Pollux got there first, shockingly he did not use his powers. He was practicing, slowly improving with each blink, but this time he needed the walk to clear his head. Had it really been so long since he’d spent time alone with his brother? They were in school together, but most times Man-Mountain had stationed himself nearby. Pol would rather see Cas happy at a distance then walk into the interaction and cause tension. Of course there had been enough tension already with Cas. He could tell in the set of his shoulders, in his face, all the little things that he could feel. He’d assumed it was about their parents, about his friend Olivia being ill, about so many things....
Pol took a breath when he reached the weeping angel statue. Angels... always such strange symbology. They were supposed to be androgynous symbols of both purity and beauty, yet provide assistance. There was one in his grandparent’s home with it’s arms around a lost pair of children. It always seemed a bit presumptuous. God sending this far more beautiful creature to ‘help and guide’. Pol stared up at the carving, a wooden carving pressed into his palm behind his back.
Cas had taken his time getting to the cemetery. He wasn’t sure this was something he wanted to but at the same time he wanted to see Pollux even if it felt like a bad idea. It hadn’t been to hard for him to sneak onto the ground and weave his way through the place to find the grave. For a moment he hid behind a large statue of some saint, watching Pol. The longer he held his hand on the statue, the more moss spread across the stone. He wouldn’t be able to hide for long but he just took a moment.
Then he slipped into view moving to stand on the opposite grave from him, obviously tense but from so many reasons that they didn’t matter. He looked tired too - emotions, school shit... He swallowed hard, “Hey...”
Pol took a breath, his brother’s voice... How could he have known what a balm it would be? He smiled, a small one at seeing his twin. He looked so stressed.... Pollux pulled forward the carving, the detailed image of Cas crouched with his arms around on of his legs, in one of his dances. “Happy belated birthday brother...”
As much as he wanted to go over to Pollux, Castor instead grew a vine plant and reached out with a vine to take the carving. He wished he trusted himself to get closer... “I’m sorry I can’t come closer. Things are... super fucked right now like so much I forgot about our birthdays until it suddenly hit me.”
The distance yawning between them... Pol closed his eyes, trying to not break down. Even here, even now before mom they couldn’t be close. “I’ve seen...”
“No, you really haven’t,” Castor said, pulling the carving close and holding it to his chest as he knelt down at his - their mother’s grave. “D-...” He sighed softly, “Dave wouldn’t want me to tell you, probably. Fuck.”
“Does he tell you what you can and can’t say to your brother?” Pol didn’t mean to be angry, but he thought he and Dave had come to an understanding, a place of mutual existence.
“No he doesn’t,” Castor hissed then sighed softly, shaking off his anger. He was so quick to anger anymore. “It’s just that it’s deeply personal. Traumatizing even. He’s been very badly hurt in a.... different way.”
Now that cause anger in a completely different direction, in the defense of Dave. “I... see. He has you. He’ll heal.”
“I guess so... but I’m not being a very good boyfriend right now,” Castor could barely stand himself let alone deal with anything else. “I went on a peyote-induced spirit walk the other day. It left me with more questions than answers. I saved some for you - in case you want to try.” There. He could change the subject.
“I don’t trust myself not to try to blink. I could end up dead easily.” He didn’t want to press Cas, but really how lost was his brother getting? He remembered when they could talk for hours... “How is your pregnant friend?”
Cas shrugged a shoulder. That was fair enough. He didn’t want his twin to die because of a hallucination, obviously. That would just create another hole inside of himself. “Oh, you know... Still sick and could potentially die at any minute from the wrong thing.” Cas crouched in the grass and covered his face with his hands, fighting back tears, “I hate this place. I hate this world.” And Cas never used ‘hate’ lightly.
Pol took a step forward, unsure of how his touch or comfort would be taken. “I’m starting Brother. I’m building a new place for us... It is slow but I am.”
“A new place,” Castor repeated softly then looked up at Pollux, “So you propose to take care of me when Dave leaves? Is that it? Am I so useless to everyone that I have to be taken care of?” This was bothering him so much - the thought that he would never be able to survive on his own but always have someone taking care of him like a child.
“I love you and want to make you happy.” He responded gruffly. “And I plan on making it for Dave too since you’re attached to the Man-Mountain. What’s gotten into you?”
“Life,” Castor answered simply, shaking his head and looking back down. “All the unfairness and horribleness. Everything gets taken away and I have no hopeful future to look for. There’s no point to any of this... Dave will leave no matter what he thinks. Liv might die. And you? I miss you so much but there’s nothing to be done, is there?”
“Why not? If you miss me then come here. I miss you.”
“Because I can’t trust myself!” he pretty much screamed, curling over to cover his head with his arms.
Pollux bit his cheek, trying to keep from violating that space Cas established. “I don’t care Cas. I miss you. I don’t have anyone else!”
Cas squeezed his eyes shut. It looked like he was about to pull his hair out, “That’s not my fault! Except it is, isn’t it? I ruin everything. Fuck. FUCK.”
“Calm down. You didn’t ruin anything. I was the one that pushed you away. It’s my fault.” He blinked closer, coming across half-way.
“No I did! I wouldn’t have to be living with Dave, be apart from you if I hadn’t fucked up!” Cas was clawing at his scalp. He could feel something building up under his fingernails but he didn’t know if it was skin or, hey, dandruff or whatever. “I. Hate. This. Place.”
“Cas... You couldn’t stop it. We didn’t know they were going to die and of course you were upset. Look I’m getting us out of here. You just take care of yourself and trust me to do the rest.”
“How ca--,” he cut himself off and shook his head. Change the topic. Get off this bullshit that could never be fixed. “I’m going to get a tattoo soon. Will you want to come with me?”
“Of course.” There was no point trying to fight Cas when he got stubborn. “What of?”
“A thorned vine bursting out of my skin. It’s going to be one of those 3D tattoos. It’ll be epic,” this was a happier topic. He could pretend easier with this.
“Do I have to wear glasses for the full effect?”
Castor shook his head, “No silly. You don’t need glasses. It’ll look all bursty without glasses if it’s done right. If it isn’t... I’ll cry.”
“I’ll make sure the guy does it perfectly. Promise.”
“I have the design printed out so... It should be alright as long as the guy is actually an artist and not like a.... you know, prison tattoo guy. Like I don’t need a spider on my neck or something.” And now he was wondering if their parents had gotten any tattoos.
“It’ll be fine.” He chuckled and moved closer to his brother, still not close enough to touch.
Castor held up his pinky finger, “Promise me?”
Pollux stared for a moment. He hadn’t touched Cas at all in... in so long. He reached out, unable to stop himself from hugging Cas. “Promise.”
Cas froze for a moment - he hadn’t really been expecting a hug. But then it all sort of faded away. In his mind it clicked that here was a person who wasn’t judging him or expecting the worst from him and who understood. Of course Pol did, they were twins. He and Dave were both in their bad places but he and Pol... They were two pieces of one puzzle that locked together. Cas pretty much melted against his twin, whimpering softly as he clung tightly.
Pollux held him tight, needing his brother as badly as it seemed Cas needed him. He petted through the blond hair, laughing lightly as the piercings tickled his neck. He worried so much for Cas, for his sanity, if he was eating right, if he was dancing enough to stay happy.
His fingers were digging into Pollux’s shoulders and he pressed even closer so their bodies were touching point to point. It was wrong but goddamnit he needed the contact. Dave’d barely been touching him and he was needy. Cas’s whimpers turned into tears quite easily in his brother’s arms as he gave in to almost every emotion he was feeling. There was worry and hate and anger and love and this thought that everything was spiraling out of control...
“I’ve got you my heart” Pollux breathed into the space between them. His tongue was not longer used to the language that was one their first together. He slowly lowered them both to the ground, kneeling so he could wrap his brother further into the protective circle of his arms.
There were other things that Cas wanted that tongue to do but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. It was terrible. He all but crawled into his twin’s lap, clinging tightly to Pollux. “I can’t take being apart from you for so long but I don’t know how to fix it and it’s like I have to fix everything...”
“You don’t have to. I’ll be around more. I didn’t know you wanted me to be.”
Castor pulled back to stare at Pol then smacked his brother’s shoulder with an open palm, “You idiot. We’re family, brothers, twins. Of course I want you around! I thought you didn’t want me around because of... Tree-man.”
“Ouch.” Pol immediately tensed at the mention of the being that he’d nearly let kill him. If Cas had hated him so much as to want him dead he would have accepted it. But that thing was not his brother. “I was trying to... keep you safe, keep us safe. I never knew if you... If you’d become a danger and last time . Last time coming near you hurt you instead of helping.”
“Tree-man is... complicated. It disappears fastest when Dave kisses me and touches me. It just wants to protect me but It doesn’t know what Its really doing.” Castor sighed softly then turned to kiss his brother’s cheek, “I’m sorry It hurt you - I hurt you. I still don’t remember what happened that night.”
“At least you are aware of him now. You didn’t know what happened back then. I couldn’t come near and risk it happening again.” He would never put his brother at risk if he could avoid it. Tree-man was a risk. A huge one. Even if He really was hurting his brother, letting Tree-man take his life would only leave Cas to wake to his body.
“I was aware of It before then... It just wasn’t as completely formed yet,” Castor admitted. He had known of this thing ever since the incident with Jameson but it was only recently that it had started taking on a life of its own. He leaned his forehead against Pol’s bringing them far too close together but he didn’t care, “How can you forgive me for letting that thing in?”
“Whatever it is it’s not your fault.” He breathed out, the space eclipsing between them soothing his upset emotions over the weeks like the perfect balm.
“What if it is? What if it is my fault? What if I did something? Or... What if I’m sick? Like... Schizophrenia sick. And Tree-Man’s just a manifestation of that?” He’d been thinking about that a lot and he was terrified to think of his brain melting down.
“Then I still love you. And we’ll find a way to co-exist.”
Cas scoffed though he hadn’t meant to do it, “Right. And then I accidentally kill you and have to figure out a way to survive with that. News flash: I wouldn’t be able to.”
“What do you want me to do then? If it’s you then I don’t mind dying. You have your Man-Mountain. He pulled you out of more then I’ve been able to.” He wasn’t trying to be underhanded. He wasn’t trying to get Cas to feel guilty, it was just a truth any more. Dave was more helpful, and had done more good for his brother then he ever had since their parents died.
“I just want you to be safe. Alive. Happy. Something. I don’t think I can provide that for you anymore... As much as I want to,” Castor brushed his thumb over Pol’s lips, sighing softly. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. About anything.”
Pol’s eyes fluttered closed at that touch. He’d always been resisting Cas, resisting letting them touch like that. “I’m sorry. My heart.... you will always be my heart.”
Castor made a soft sound like an indignant squeak, “You have nothing to apologize for! Stupid boy, I love you. Always. Forever. First and foremost. Just... Don’t tell Dave I said that.” He grinned lopsidedly then hugged his twin tight.
Pollux pressed his face to Cas’ shoulder, feeling tears prick his eyes and then come sliding down. “I won’t. I swear.... I just.. thought he’d finally replaced me. Upgraded from me...”
Cas made a soft cooing noise, settling a hand on the back of his twin’s head to run fingers through his matching blonde hair, “No. Never. You keep forgetting - We’re two of the same. How could you possibly be replaced?”
“When you don’t want me anymore.” He whimpered his fear, the one that clawed at his heart.
Cas pulled back with a look of surprise on his face, “But I always will. Always have. In more ways than one... Ones that are very hard to resist...”
Pol’s vulnerability couldn’t even be hid from Cas. Pol was supposed to be the stronger, supposed to be the one to take care of Cas... He’d failed. “Good... I... I love you.”
“I know... Even when you’re not near me, I know. It’s always right here,” Cas took Pol’s hand and put it on his heart. It was cheesy but that was Cas for you. He didn’t know any other way to be.
Pol smiled back at him. “I know my heart” He then softly kissed his brother’s cheek. “Come, mom’s waiting.”
Castor made a soft sound of assent and held Pol’s hand as they made their way, now together, through the graveyard.