Narrative and Thread: Dave and Cas
Who: Dave; Dave, Cas, (possibly) Liv What: Dave and Jeff Bridges converse, then Dave goes home to Cas for a little birthdayin’... Where: The quarry, Liv’s When: 11/20 (backdated) Warnings: depression, self harm, God Squad, sappiness. Also the second half is mostly just an excuse for sex and angst.
Dave woke up before dawn Sunday morning. He lied in bed for a while, one arm wrapped around Cas, just watching him sleep. He didn’t deserve this, this many second chances. He’d fucked up so many times - it had only been a few days since he’d been able to stand sleeping in the same bed as Cas, after what happened with Blaine - and he just...he couldn’t believe that he’d been forgiven every time. Yeah, sure. It hadn’t always been easy. But it had happened, almost always without a real punishment.
It was enough to make him physically sick. Was no one seeing what he was doing? All of this...all of this shit he was responsible for? What the fuck was so good about him that he deserved this kind of forgiveness, over and over and over?
Nothing. Nothing about him was good. And now that he and Cas were intimate again, he couldn’t hurt himself because no one else would. He’d have to find a new way.
It was with these thoughts that he quietly got out of bed, kissed Cas on the forehead, and got his church clothes out of the closet. He set them, a fresh towel and washcloth, and his toiletry kit on the bathroom counter, then went to check on Liv. She was still asleep, so he quietly headed into the kitchen, made himself a bowl of cereal, and ate it standing by the sink. A quick rinse of the dishes, then into the washer with them and he was heading back to the guestroom with a note left on the counter that he was at church if she needed him.
Cas was also still asleep when he got back. Dave snuck into the bathroom, shut the door quietly, then turned the shower on so it would warm up. He pissed, got undressed, and then stared at himself critically in the mirror. The same old scars, with a few new additions that thankfully Cas hadn’t noticed yet, same old gut and hair. God he was disgusting. He turned away, feeling sick, and took the extra time to brush his teeth.
He washed quickly, shaved, styled his hair and got dressed, all without looking at himself. He only met his eyes in the mirror as he was putting on his tie, and that’s when it hit him. They didn’t call them nooses for nothing. It was all too easy to tighten it until he felt like he was going to choke, and then just that extra little bit more. It was only when his vision was dimming that he scrambled and managed to get the knot loose, and he stood, gasping, for a few seconds. His eyes were running and his face was flushed, but for the moment, he felt satisfied with himself for the first time in weeks.
He left quietly after checking on Liv one more time. It was still several hours before the service started, but he needed that time to think and clear his head, something he couldn’t do in the house full of people. He drove out to the quarry and parked at the edge, staring down into its depths. He felt small and insignificant, which was just perfect, as far as he was concerned, for talking to God.
“I just don’t know, Dude,” he said after a few minutes of silence. “It’s all so hard. It feels like too much. There’s Cas and his parents and Pol and the grandparents, and the drugs, and Liv. There’s school. There’s money - is Dad still praying? If he is, tell him we’re running out of cash, I’ve started skipping meals again even though that’s probably for the best. I just feel like I don’t have enough time anymore, not with everything...
“...and then Blaine. Like, the fuck am I supposed to do with that, Dude? That was a total dick move on Your part. I know it’s a test but what are You testing? My faith? I’ve got that in spades, Dude. My love for Cas? ‘cause I love him so much it fucking hurts, sometimes. My compassion for others? I helped what I could, but You know how I feel about him. Especially after Kurt...
“...and there’s Kurt. You know about that already, though. Newsflash: I’m still not fucking over him. I still look at him and think ‘that could have been mine, if only’. Which is so fucking fucked up because I have Cas, right? And he has Sam. But like, I still think about it, I still want it. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and think that it’s him I’m lying with. Just for a split second. And the world seems brighter. How fucking awful am I?”
There was no response, and Dave was about to just say fuck it and skip church, go home and wallow and ignore everything. But then the early-morning sun broke through the clouds, for just a split second, and lit up the quarry spectacularly. It was in the sudden light that Dave saw a flash of color out of the corner of his eye, and when he looked over...
It was one of Cas’ t-shirts, left over from the visit to his father’s grave, when they’d had to make a hasty retreat after being caught in, ahem a compromising position. Laughing, smiling, happy (and high, but whatever), they’d clambered into the truck half-dressed, and Cas had tossed his shirt haphazardly onto the floorboards and sang loudly and off-key all the way home, when they’d tumbled through the front door and... Well. Dave smiled despite himself and pressed his face into the shirt; it smelled warm and bright, like clean sweat and the shampoo they shared, and a little like his truck and a lot like nature. It was good, pleasant, comforting. It was Cas.
“Is that a fucking sign, Dude?” Dave asked, peeking out into the world again. It had gone dark once more, which Dave guessed was his answer. He tossed the shirt back into the passenger seat, started the truck up again, and headed back to town. It just wasn’t a Sunday without off-key hymns and trying to be set up with a thirteen year old by her well-meaning grandmother...
After church, Dave headed back to Liv’s. It was late enough in the morning that both her and Cas should be up, and he was in such a good mood that he felt like he could manage pancakes (from a box, but still pancakes) for a ‘family’ breakfast.
“Looooooooooooo-seeeeeeeeeeeeee!” he called into the house. “I’m hoooooooooooooome!”