WHO: Billy and Luka WHAT: Friday, Nov. 30th. Billy and Luka talk about cars, there's a big timeskip where we cut them fooling around because ain't nobody need to read that, and then they talk about ... well, the fooling around sexytimes they just had. Billy also shows Luka his true form, they discuss the meaning of virginity as it applies to gay men instead of just women and how their age difference affects Luka emotionally, and they start fooling around again but it's all emotional and shit. We cut out all the truly porny bits but there's still a content warning for, like ... butts. And some chat about bondage!kink, because I couldn't find a decent segue before they started talking about sex. Basically what we're saying is that if you decide not to read this because sex, we understand.
They had two weeks and one day before Luka’s surgery. Thanks mostly to Billy’s sense of restraint, they managed not to jump each other in the laundry room or in any of the supply closets between classes. Luka was still tired, but he managed to teach his one class, now that his infection had cleared up. Having a date actually gave him a little more energy. There was an end to the road, for better or worse. It was either excitement at a new, healthy life, or something like that calm right before committing suicide. The thing was that Luka had no idea which side he was on yet.
When Billy came around Friday night, Luka (gently!) tugged him over to the desk by his tail and pulled him into his lap. “So I was thinking about a new project I want to do, if I get better. I was thinking about getting myself a car for Christmas and I want your opinion.” His laptop was open on the desk, a few different sites up in the browser and his headphones plugged in and laying on the table---although once they settled, Luka quickly clicked out of the leftmost tab. That one hadn’t been about cars. Or … buying cars, anyway.
Billy yelped when his tail was pulled and he slumped into Luka’s lap. They were getting more comfortable with one another, and in the privacy of Luka’s room, he managed to get flirty and physical with Luka without feeling that ridiculous teenage rush like his head was going to explode. He could sling his arm around Luka’s shoulders (as he did now) and kiss his hair (as he did now) more like they were an old married couple.
“Isn’t it sweet that you can afford to just up and get a car for Christmas,” he said pleasantly, squinting at the screen. “So what do you want my opinion on? I don’t know anything about cars.”
“I’ll be upgrading whatever I buy so I don’t really care about the features.” Luka leaned up so he could kiss Billy’s jaw. “You seem a lot more aesthetically inclined than I am. And ideally, you’ll be driving around with me, so you should have a say. Just pick whatever looks nicest.” The idea of just dropping money on a brand new sports car was as commonplace for Luka as it was for most people when it came to buying a drink in the checkout aisle.
“I … I mean, I don’t know, what are you looking for? Because most of these just look like you’re trying to compensate for something,” said Billy flatly. He leaned over and started scrolling and clicking through the site. “A sportscar like that just screams ‘I need attention and my personality doesn’t demand it’.”
“Yeah, if you’re sixty. I’m young enough for a sportscar,” Luka protested. “Why would I get something cheaper when I can afford it?”
“I’m not saying you shouldn’t get something cheap, I’m saying you should get something classy,” Billy clarified. “Something elegant and efficient and simple, that doesn’t look like it’s trying too hard to be flashy.”
“At some point you’re going to be in the backseat of whatever I buy, so you should have some say in it.” Maybe Luka was overcompensating for his fear by planning ahead, as if to say I can’t die next month, I need to drive this car.
Billy snickered. “Then it’s got to be comfortable.” And easy to clean, he thought. “And durable. And pretty, God, some of this is so pretentious.”
“Of course it’s pretentious. I expect some pretentious when I have a half-million dollar budget.” The tabs that Billy wouldn’t recognize as dealerships were for places that sold the extra materials he needed to customize it. With the way Luka worked, he’d hit the five hundred grand mark pretty quick.
“Half a million?” Billy asked with a little smirk. “That’s it? Come on, don’t limit yourself. If you’re going to go for flashy and sexy, don’t spare expense.” Now that he was kind of getting into it, his eyes were lingering on elegant sportscars with sleek, retro lines.
“I’m not going for extras, remember. I’ll be building those myself.” Luka hadn’t made a car in years. It would be like riding a bike or spending time with an old friend. “But there’s no use in having all this money if I’m not going to spend it on something. Otherwise it sits there and stares and makes me feel guilty.”
Billy’s attention finally stopped on a Bentley Continental GT Speed. “Oh,” he said absently. “That one, I like.”
“Yeah?” Luka seemed a lot more interested in Billy’s react than in actually looking at what he’d picked out. “You wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen in it?”
“No,” said Billy softly. He was clicking through the specs and paint colors, too distracted to really talk. “No, I like this one.”
“Then I want that one,” Luka said plainly, the way someone would say ‘I want a cookie’. I want that ridiculously expensive car.
“I want this one.” Billy glanced back at Luka with a little grin. “Get this one. And make it pretty.”
“Yes, sir.” And look at that, they’d gone at least five minutes without talking about Luka’s health. Luka would have bought a new car every five minutes if he thought that would keep everything calm and happy. “Better be careful who sees you in it, though. People might think I picked up a boyfriend or something.”
Billy’s cheeks flushed. “You better be careful to show off the car and not me,” he said. “I’ll be fine if I never ride in it except … you know, secretly. Or sneak a ride in your trunk until we get to the middle of nowhere.”
“Now that just sounds creepy. I’m not putting you in my trunk. I mean, unless you’re into that and you want me to break out the duct tape, too.” ...Hm. Luka brushed the thought away. Billy was still a virgin, he didn’t need to be hearing about kinky shit yet.
Billy’s ears perked with interest. “Would you?” he asked bluntly.
“I … would consider it,” Luka said carefully, watching Billy’s expression. “If you’re actually asking in a sexy way and not in a ‘please don’t be an axe murderer’ kind of way.”
“What way do you think I mean it?” Billy asked, smiling a little. “Because I clearly don’t think you’re an axe murderer.”
Luka propped his elbow up on the desk and braced his head in his hand so he could get a better look at Billy’s face. “You actually mean it, don’t you.”
Billy fidgeted, his smile fading. He conveniently looked off toward the wall. “No...? Yes...?” Testing out both answers to see if Luka liked one more than the other.
“You’re allowed to mean it.” It had been forever since Luka had had a conversation like this, trying to figure out what someone else liked without pressuring them into answering one way or the other.
“Then... yes,” said Billy primly, his tail swishing. “I don’t see why not.” And what he meant by I don’t see why not was you should see my diary. He shrugged. “I trust you.”
Luka grinned slowly, quietly satisfied with this particular situation. “You’re kinky. How are you even---why are you perfect?”
Billy raised his eyebrows. “If telling you I wouldn’t mind being restrained by duct tape makes me perfect, I should have told you ages ago,” he said pleasantly, twisting so he could go back to looking at Luka’s computer.
“I’d take ‘want’ over ‘wouldn’t mind’,” Luka admitted. “What else do you think about when I’m not around? Because I’ve been holding back so I wouldn’t scare you, but clearly that’s not a big concern here.”
Billy shrugged. “I don’t know. A lot of things.” He didn’t know how to articulate it just yet, other than writing it out (explicitly) in his diary. “Specifically?”
“Yeah, specifically. If you’re comfortable talking about it.” Luka reached up behind him so he could stroke Billy’s hair, comforting and casually and secretly so grateful he couldn’t get a hard-on. It would have distracted Billy out of talking (or so Luka told himself).
“Being tied up,” said Billy, his cheeks red. “Being gagged. Being …” Why was he feeling shy now? Ugh. “Spanked. Hit. But only because I ask for it. I just want to give myself up to someone, you know? Put myself in their----” He stopped, looking back at Luka. “In your hands.”
“I think … we can do that. That’s definitely something we can work on.” If Luka died in two weeks, he would hate himself. “Only if you want to and you decide it’s something you actually want to try. I don’t want to push you into anything.”
“I won’t know until I try,” said Billy sensibly.
“We’ll be safe. I didn’t think I’d end up needing anything or I would’ve brought things with me.” Luka tugged Billy in so he could kiss his cheek, nuzzling affectionately.
Billy kissed him softly, nipping at his mouth and growling softly. “I have things that I want to try. Things I want to do. Things I’ve never told anyone but I may or may not have written it all down in extensive detail.”
“So... is there a particular bribe you’d accept in exchange for reading all that extensive detail?” Luka leaned in for another kiss, a bit more aggressive.
Billy turned and straddled Luka in the chair, rolling his hips. God, he wished Luka could get an erection. He groaned softly, leaning in and kissing Luka’s throat. Inexperienced as it was, he was a tease. He knew how to kiss, he moved like he knew he was gorgeous. “I’ll bring it next time.”
“Good thing I have a lot of free time.” He nipped at Billy’s jaw, planting little kisses where he could. Luka couldn’t get hard, but Billy definitely could. It was difficult not to just rip his clothes off, but he managed. Barely.
“Good thing I’m exceptionally good at breaking rules,” murmured Billy, “and that I’m able to sneak around. And do my homework in here.” He kissed Luka’s ear, tugging at the lobe. “I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you, too.” Luka cradled Billy’s face in his hand, firmly kissing his cheek. “Mm. So. This, right here, with you in my lap. Where do we want this to go tonight?”
Billy slid his hand down Luka’s arm, pulling his hand and guiding it between his legs. “Touch me,” he breathed, barely able to hold his voice steady as he pressed Luka’s hand against him. “Please. Please. I feel like I’ve been hard since you mentioned having me in the backseat of that car.”
* * *
Billy grabbed another tissue to clean himself up and then picked up his underwear to pull it on. He practically collapsed into bed after dragging himself across the room. He’d gone weirdly silent, curling up with his back to Luka and thoughtfully watching the wall.
Luka crawled in next to him, quietly grateful. He was more tired than he let on; it hadn’t been all out, but it still took a lot of energy to fool around that he didn’t necessarily have these days. “You all right?”
Billy self-consciously pulled his tail around his body. “Sure, I’m okay.”
“Just sure?” Luka gently rubbed Billy’s arm. Hn.
“I’m feeling a little vulnerable,” Billy admitted. “Now that I’m coming down from this.” He glanced over, smiling. “No regrets or anything, Luka. Nothing like that.”
“Is there anything you want to talk about?” Luka sat up and rested against the pillows, reaching down to smooth Billy’s hair.
“I...” Billy hesitated, and then rolled over so he could snuggle up against Luka. He was a little cold, lying here in his underwear without his fur to protect him. “You really think I’m beautiful.”
“Of course I do. I wouldn’t lie about that.”
“But I’m lying,” said Billy. “About me. This... all of this, it’s not me.” And it seemed to utterly devastate him now that he thought about it. This body gave him everything he wanted at the expense of his sense of self. He hadn’t had it long enough to identify it as his own.
“Billy...” Luka hesitated. It wasn’t his place to define Billy for him, but he seemed like he needed the support. “Who you are isn’t … simple. It’s not set in stone. You can be this and still be the face you were born with. It’s you if you want it to be you.”
“All my life, I----” Billy blinked away tears, looking up at the ceiling. “I was shut away. I was hidden. I couldn’t go anywhere unless it was a big production or if it was to be somewhere in the community. People stared at me, they thought I was a pet, or a freak. And now I have this body and I can do what I want, and you look at me and you tell me I’m beautiful.”
“I would think you were beautiful whether you wanted to use this body or another one. I promise that I’m just as inappropriately attracted to you when you’re covered in fur.” Strange thing was, there was no hint of sarcasm in it.
Billy bowed his head and let himself shift into the body he was born with: somewhere between human and wolf, his body covered in mottled silver and brown fur. Resting his hand on Luka’s chest, his claws dug lightly into his skin. “This is me,” he said quietly. In this form, his voice was still soft and high, but there was more of a growl to it. “And you’re human. I get it if you don’t think this is attractive.”
Luka scooted down onto the bed so they were level. Instead of a kiss, he leaned in and tugged on Billy’s ear with his teeth. “You could be a fish and I’d still find you attractive, and I can’t complain about having someone warm to cuddle with.”
Billy thumped his tail against the bed, wrapping his arms around Luka and snuggling against him. “I don’t want to throw out hypotheticals, like, would you love me if I had no legs, but.” He sighed; this clearly bothered him. “Would you have ever noticed me if I looked like this? If I couldn’t change?”
“I like to think so. Depends; would you still have flirted with me?”
Billy lifted his head, his ears lowering. “Probably not,” he admitted. “I don’t feel sexy like this.”
“You should.” Luka nuzzled him, happily running his fingers through Billy’s fur. “This doesn’t change my feelings for you. It just makes you better to me.”
Billy nuzzled him fondly, whimpering. “Stop it. Why are you perfect? There’s nobody like you.”
“I don’t know if perfect is the right word...” Luka hooked a finger in Billy’s underwear and let it snap against his skin. “But this is still beautiful to me. This is still sexy. If you would be more comfortable using this body when we mess around, I won’t complain.”
“I...” Billy fidgeted. “I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe. But I kind of like my new body. And I really like the way it feels when you touch me. It’s more intense. But I like lying here with you like this. I like having you tell me I’m beautiful, that I’m still somebody you want.”
“You don’t have to choose. Honestly, I can’t complain about the fur when the weather’s getting this cold.” Luka’s circulation was poor these days, too. He was always a little chilly, and Billy’s fur was warm.
“Can I stay for a while?” Billy asked. He tipped his head back and yawned, exposing sharp, dangerous teeth.
“I’d be hurt if you didn’t.” Luka scooted down a little further so he could snuggle up against Billy’s chest. “You are so soft.”
Billy squirmed, tugging at the blankets of Luka’s unmade bed to pull the comforter over them. “I shed, though. I apologize in advance.”
“So I’ll buy a lint roller.”
Billy snickered. “I go through so many of those a month, it’s not even funny.” He pulled Luka into his arms, cradling him against him. “You feeling okay?” Now that he was settled and comfortable, his attention turned to Luka----who seemed exhausted.
“I feel fine.” Fine was so relative now, though. “I’m just tired. Long day.” He nuzzled Billy’s chest, happily getting comfortable. Not that Billy wasn’t fun to cuddle with already, but this was better.
Billy squirmed happily. “Long day, and you sexed me up good,” he purred, trying not to laugh.
Luka burst into laughter. “Did you really just say that?”
“What? That’s not hot? I thought that was super hot.” He scritched his claws against Luka’s chest. “This is good, though. I was under the impression that you found everything sexy.”
“Almost everything. Vaguely phallic-shaped food still gets me, though.”
“So the idea of me sucking on a popsicle really gets you going.” Billy snorted.
“The idea of you sucking on anything gets me going, let’s be real here.” Luka gave Billy a nudge.
“Not with this mouth.” Billy nudged him back, nuzzling his ear. For a little while, Billy forgot that Luka could die in a couple of weeks, he forgot that they were on borrowed time. He just let himself be with Luka, let himself chat and joke and snicker like they were the same age, like they didn’t have any outside factors affecting them. But that moment was fading, and he pulled Luka in a little closer, a little more possessively.
They lapsed into silence. Luka sifted his fingers through the fur behind Billy’s ear, gently tugging before he brought his hand back up and started over. And then: “Are you all right with what we did? Tonight? Are you completely okay?”
“What? Yes. Yes, I’m okay,” said Billy. “I’m processing it, and I’m a little embarrassed now that the mood’s passed, but I’m okay. I’m really okay.”
“I didn’t push you too far? I know we said no sex, but...” Nngh. Where was the line? Luka had thought he knew, but … apparently not.
“Luka, I’m okay. I promise.” Billy nuzzled him hard. “I feel good. I do. I feel okay. And if I didn’t want it I would have stopped you. I have control over myself and what I want. I felt like I was in charge.”
“I could get arrested for what we just did.” Maybe it was Luka who didn’t feel great about it. He was still deciding how he felt.
Billy’s brow furrowed and he lifted his head. “Luka...?”
Luka reluctantly sat up, rubbing the back of his neck. “I … worry.”
“You worry? About what?” Billy sat up again, and his natural form melted away as he shifted back into a human. He nipped at Luka’s shoulder and reached out to rub his back.
“About everything. About what I’m doing to you, to your development. If I’m just being selfish and … influencing you the wrong way or...” Luka wrapped his arms around himself, rubbing his own stomach. “Or if I just sexually assaulted you and I’m too much of a narcissistic asshole to realize it.”
“Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Luka. What we just did was not sexual assault. Are you listening to me? I’m telling you right now, you didn’t. I’m not a child. I can make my own choices. I came onto you, I told you what I wanted, I gave you boundaries and you stayed within them,” Billy said firmly.
“I don’t want to ruin your life,” Luka blurted. “I don’t want to ruin---I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. You’re too young, it was inappropriate, and I shouldn’t have been---”
“Luka.” Billy took Luka’s face in his hand and forced eye contact. “I don’t think you think I’m actually a slut. I think you were turned on and that kind of thing turns you on. It turns me on, too. And that’s okay, right?”
“That’s fine. I’m just … I’m scared. Not of getting caught, I’m scared of hurting you or of … talking you into doing something sexually that you aren’t ready for.” Luka leaned in for a kiss, letting it linger. “I know we wanted to save sex until after my surgery, but... I think we might have just broken that rule.”
Billy nipped at his mouth. “That felt pretty... pretty sex-like,” he admitted, “does it count?” He swallowed hard. “Am I still a virgin?”
“I don’t know. It’s up to you to decide what counts.” Luka rested his forehead against Billy’s and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “There are gay men who never have anal sex, or … do some of the things we just did. And I wouldn’t call them virgins. I don’t know.”
“I...” Billy didn’t know what to think about that. He kissed Luka again, taking in a careful breath. “I don’t know,” he said quietly. He’d been pretty hell-bent on keeping his virginity, but on the other hand he’d felt ready for that, too. The idea that he might have lost something sounded devastating. Adult.
“Would you be all right if you did...? I only ask because it seems really important to you.”
Billy hesitated. “I----you know what, I have to do some thinking,” he admitted. “It’s important to me, but I don’t know why. What we just did was important to me. Maybe even more important to me. I don’t feel like I lost something; I feel like I gained something.”
“I think that’s how it’s supposed to feel.” Suddenly, Luka sounded very young. “I just wonder sometimes if I’m not … pushing myself into your life so I can watch you and live vicariously through you to … correct what happened to me. When I was having all of my firsts, with people who didn’t love me.”
Billy pulled Luka into his arms, kissing his hair. “You didn’t push me,” he assured him. “You didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to do, and I trust you. You’re not the same as the people who did things to you when you were young. It’s not the same.”
“I don’t even remember.” He’d admitted it to Steven, too, but he hadn’t wanted to make a big deal out of it. Steven had enough stress in his life. “I got drunk and all I remember is being sore the next morning and not knowing who had done what.”
“This isn’t like that,” Billy insisted, but there was a little growl in his voice. Luka had been hurt. People had hurt him. He hadn’t known the details, but he wasn’t surprised. Luka said he’d been thirteen and in college when he’d started having sex. There weren’t other thirteen-year-olds in college.
“I just don’t want any of yours to be like any of mine,” Luka murmured, burying his face against Billy’s shoulder. “It didn’t get better for years. I should’ve known to stay out of those situations, but I didn’t, and people just … they weren’t all like that but it only takes a couple.”
“Any of mine? Luka. There’s you. There’s only you,” Billy whispered.
“Don’t let me hurt you.” It wasn’t the right thing to say. It wasn’t Billy’s responsibility, and it wasn’t about Billy, but Luka was just so afraid. He kissed Billy’s neck and held on, continuing to kiss everything he could get his mouth on.
“Shhh. Shh. I will never let you hurt me,” Billy whispered. “You won’t. I won’t let you.”
Luka kissed his mouth. Wrapping an arm around Billy’s waist, he shifted their weight on the bed so Billy was pinned down. “Stay here. You don’t have class in the morning.”
Billy beamed up at him, exhausted and blissed out and easy to toss around. “Mm. I don’t have class in the morning. I can stay,” he murmured softly.
Luka kissed Billy’s cheek, haphazardly making his way back down to Billy’s throat. He settled himself between Billy’s legs, steadying himself with his hands on his thigh and arm. “Let me touch you again?”
“Again..?” Billy grinned, his fingertips brushing over Luka’s throat. “Okay. Okay----all right.” He let out a breath, shifting to get more comfortable. Honestly, he could get used to this. After feeling like his sex drive was completely uncontrollable and pent up, getting some kind of release was just wonderful. No, he really didn’t feel like he lost all that much in losing his virginity. He was gaining so much more.
“Unless you think you can’t. Or don’t want to.” Luka couldn’t help wanting to touch. He’d missed sex, and though he clearly wasn’t comfortable up and fucking because he couldn’t, he was all right with this. He loved it, being close to Billy, hearing him and feeling him, breathing in his scent. Everything didn’t have to come down to his ability to get an erection. Working his hand down between Billy’s legs, he squeezed and stroked through his underwear in slow, indulgent motions.
“God...” Billy sighed heavily, shifting and letting Luka touch. “I can’t … I...” He laughed quietly and covered his face with his hands. This was all new and overwhelming in a good way, and he looked so happy. If Luka ever was concerned about whether or not he loved this, all he had to do was look at him. He seemed more free, more joyous----Billy was normally so uptight and fussy.
“Can’t what?” Luka nuzzled Billy’s hands, kissed his fingers. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Billy insisted. “I was going to say, I can’t believe how good this feels, but that’s... that’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid. It’s supposed to feel that good.” Tugging at the waistband of his briefs, Luka pulled them down far enough to expose Billy again.
Billy was absolutely able to go again, responding to Luka’s touch. He whimpered and leaned up to kiss him. “I love you,” he breathed. “I love you so much.” He cradled Luka’s face in his hands, making Luka look at him like he needed Luka to understand how serious he was.
“I’m completely in love with you.” He kissed Billy’s nose, his upper lip, his chin. Closing his eyes, Luka pressed his lips to Billy’s throat, breathing in the light, masculine scent of his soap. “I... let me...” And then he pulled back so he could tug off his shirt. Luka was soft, thin but out of shape. The battery that ran his heart was implanted in the middle of his chest like his father’s arc reactor, glowing so faintly it couldn’t be seen through his shirt. The skin around the battery was still red and recently healed from his infection.
Billy stopped for a moment just to stare. His fingers brushed over Luka’s chest, incredibly gentle. “You’re glowing,” he said dumbly, so overwhelmed that it was easy to state the obvious.
“Only a little,” Luka said quietly. “My dad designed the battery. It never wasn’t going to glow.”
Billy bit back what he wanted to say: that it was beautiful. It was a battery powering Luka’s artificial heart. Luka was sick and pale, his skin red from infection in places, and to say he was beautiful sounded cruel. So instead, he leaned down and kissed Luka’s collarbone, wrapping his arms around him.
Luka nuzzled Billy’s hair, hold onto him with one hand and pushing down his own pajama pants with the other. He’d seen Billy naked; this was only fair. Luka’s body wasn’t what it used to be. He didn’t have the energy to stay active right now, and heart disease had taken a lot out of him. But Billy loved him. If he was here now, Luka’s appearance wasn’t enough to drive him away, right?
Billy helped him undress, pushing Luka’s pants down off of his hips. “It’s okay,” he said gently; he knew this wasn’t easy for him. Luka’s appearance had taken a turn for the worse over the last couple of months; Billy had never seen him healthy. And right now it wasn’t a matter of being sexy. “You’re beautiful,” he blurted without meaning to. He meant to hold that back.
Luka had a moment of self-consciousness, a flicker of doubt, before covering it up with a glib, friendly, “I’m not too hairy for you?”
Billy pressed his hand to Luka’s chest, then slowly moved down to his belly. “Please; have you seen me?” he teased.
Luka went a little tense when Billy’s hand went too low. Everything was out there and exposed. He wasn’t prone to embarrassment, especially not about his body, but it didn’t work the way it was supposed to these days. Taking Billy’s hand, he brought it to his mouth to kiss. “So I don’t have to go back to waxing. Good.”
“No, God no, you really don’t need to wax.” Billy leaned up and nuzzled him. “Thank you for showing me,” he said quietly. “I know it’s not easy for you right now.”
“Didn’t feel fair.” Luka kissed Billy once before pinning him back down onto the bed. “And now it does. Where am I allowed to touch you, Billy?”