Jason Blaire (takeschances) wrote in superbabies, @ 2013-03-27 00:03:00 |
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Entry tags: | jason blaire, rick richards |
Log: Chance & Backpack
Who: Jason Blaire & Rick Richards
When: Monday, March 18th
Where: Jason’s room
What: There are questions.
Jason just plain grabbed Rick by the sleeve and began dragging him back to the dorms after classes had ended. He had already cancelled his weekly session with Emmett Cuckoo and had rescheduled at the end of the day. He had questions first and wasn’t sure if what Rick had to say would only bring up more questions. “Walking, walking...” Jason muttered and dragged Rick into the dorm room. “Okay. Poly. Ready set go,” Jason said, releasing the other teen even as he took up pacing. It had been on his mind for days. Rick had hit it on the head before Jason had ever known the nail existed. “No. That’s too... too vague.” He was twitchy. “What’s the difference between a poly relationship and an... ‘open’ relationship?” Jason asked, using finger quotes for emphasis. That was pretty much where he was getting completely confused. Of all the things Rick had been expecting today, being grabbed and dragged to the dorms by Jason wasn’t very high on the list. There was obviously something on the other boy’s mind, though, so he went along with it, attempting to keep up. He was in good shape, but Jason went running a lot more often than Rick did. Once they were in the privacy of Jason’s dorm room and the questions came out, things made more sense. Rick dropped his bag near the door, watching Jason pace, and tried to work out how to word things. “For some people it’s just a matter of terminology,” he said eventually. “An open relationship is the agreement between partners that they’re free to look for or accept other sexual partners, with whatever conditions both people are comfortable with. A poly relationship is pretty much the same thing, but a lot of the time people use poly to refer to the mindset of the people involved, not the relationship itself. So you’d be Jason, who’s poly, in an open relationship. If that makes sense.” Not that he had any practical experience with this. Not for the first time, he wondered why the hell he was giving people advice when he was one of the least experienced people in the entire school. "Okay," Jason said, drawing out the word slowly. "But there are people like me who aren't just..." There was a strange hesitation from a person who usually just blurted out whatever was on his mind. Jason wasn't exactly a deep-thinker. "People who are labeled as sluts or whores just because they--no I'm saying this wrong." He stopped pacing and raked his fingers through his hair, frustrated. "I tried with Elliot. I really did. It just... it wasn't me and it was confusing and painful because why couldn't I just be there and be happy? I wasn’t like... sitting there trying to figure out how to cheat and have him not find out. But it felt--" Jason said, words coming out a little too quickly. "It wasn't wrong because it was me and it was honest but it's not what it was supposed to be." And that was what Jason's problem was: he wasn't what he was supposed to be. So many areas of his life had molds and he couldn't fit. “There are a lot of people who don’t work in monogamous relationships,” Rick said softly. “It’s not because they’re bad people or they get bored or they don’t love people enough. You love in a different way to monogamous people. Some people won’t understand that. I’m pretty sure you didn’t, for a long time, if you’re thinking you’re not what you’re supposed to be.” He sighed, sitting down on the edge of the bed, absently threading the hem of his shirt through the fingers of his silver hand. “For some people, when they love someone, it’s only them. For others, loving one person doesn’t mean they can’t love another person and love them both just as much. As long as everyone’s on the same page, it can work. It means sometimes you won’t be able to be with a person you want to be with because they need monogamy -- like Elliot -- but there are more people out there who don’t fit in the same way that you do than you know, Jay.” Jason was quiet, listening intently. He frowned and had to move again. "I never needed labels before. I mean, shit, I say I'm bisexual because I don't need to bother with the specifics and I know there are other labels out there. It works for me when it comes to explaining to people. But to say I don't do relationships... I mean, it makes me sound selfish and like all I want is sex or something," he said. He let out a puff of air, frustrated but also relieved at the same time. The teen went and sat on the bed, forcing himself to stop moving. "But that's not it. I just like to touch and cuddle and just be with people. I've had sex with people with the knowledge that it wouldn't... bind us. Even if it's just a one-time thing like with--" Jason said and managed to stop himself before saying Owen's name. "Some people." Smooth. Jason shook his head. "I don't think I ever realized how alone I felt," he murmured, looking down at his hands. "Emmett said he wasn't worried because I wasn't using sex as a replacement for relationships." He looked over at Rick again. "I need to be there for Bex and I don't know how. I got no right to be selfish and want to be... this but I don't know how to do that with her. And I feel lost. Suddenly I have this idea, this label, this name for me to look up and use and..." Again, he just shook his head, words failing. “Sex and relationships aren’t mutually inclusive,” Rick pointed out gently. “You like being affectionate with people, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sex is fun. It doesn’t have to mean anything more than what the people involved want it to mean. But I think you’ve internalised a lot of this idea that if you don’t want to be with only one person, that means you’re... loose, or a slut, or don’t love people properly, all that bullshit.” He sighed, running his hands through his hair, still trying to work out how he was supposed to make this sound right. “The situation with Bex is complicated. I’d like to know something, though. If you were with her, if you did all the things you do in relationships, but still had the okay to have sex with other people if you wanted to, do you think you’d be happy? If you were supporting her, putting her first because she’s important to you, especially right now, but not expected to live up to some idea of monogamy, do you think you could handle it?” “Yes,” Jason blurted out. But then he frowned and seemed to withdraw internally. “But that wouldn’t make her happy. I think it hurts her that I love her but I love a lot of people. It’s not... I mean, I don’t just throw that word around because I don’t understand it. I do. It’s what I feel and why bother making a huge deal out of it like others do? I mean, it’s not black and white for me. But when it comes to her, even if she gave me permission, I know she wouldn’t be happy. That I’m not just hers. And God that sounds conceited.” Jason sank down onto the vacant bed. “It’s not fair,” he murmured. “I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I’m completely honest with anyone I’m with and don’t pretend that I can change. But yet I’m the freak.” He shook his head. “I just don’t get it. I don’t know why I am the way I am. I just know that it makes me happy to be able to share myself with others and make them happy.” Rick had been afraid of that. He sighed, saying softly, “This isn’t going to be what you want to hear, Jay. But it might be that you’re not going to be able to find a compromise that makes you both happy. Not if she wants something you can’t give her. I’m not saying it’s wrong for her to want that, but it won’t work. You’d be miserable, and Bex isn’t the sort of person who can be happy if someone she cares about is miserable. I think the best you’re going to be able to do there is give her whatever support you can without being her boyfriend. It’s not a good answer, and I’m sorry, but sometimes there are no good answers.” He looked miserable suddenly. Jason’s head lowered into his hands and he just breathed for a few moments. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore. I took her away for the weekend so we could talk it out. She--” he said and then shook his head, not wanting to continue. Jason pushed up from the bed only to sit heavily beside Rick, letting his forehead rest on the other teen’s shoulder. He just needed physical contact. “I need to work on getting a job. Babies are apparently expensive. And this guilt is eating at me. I know sex isn’t everything but fuck it feels good. I haven’t gotten laid since... since before I found out about Bex being pregnant. Which was right after--” The attack on the school. Jason had enough sense to not mention the attack. “I just. The thought of cheating on her when we aren’t even together is tearing me apart. I have no idea how to even function anymore.” “You weren’t dating before she got pregnant,” Rick pointed out carefully. “It wasn’t cheating on her then, because you two weren’t together. If a relationship isn’t going to work, then... to be honest, Jay, I don’t think having sex with someone else is anything like the worst thing you could do. You could have walked away when she told you. You could have said you don’t want anything to do with her if she kept it. You didn’t. So... you’ll support her, but if you’re doing everything you can to do that, even if that doesn’t mean being in a relationship with her, I don’t think you should feel guilty about the idea of being with someone else. You wouldn’t work as a relationship, either one or both of you would be miserable, but kids don’t need their parents together to have a good life, Jay. They need them to want to try to be good parents. And I know you do. So I can talk to Reed or Sue or Uncle Johnny about helping you get a job, if you want. We’ll figure this out.” "I'm not good at a whole lot, Rick," Jason said quietly. "Always figured I'd just go do stunt work or something. Those skills I've got and I'm damned good." He sighed, eyes closed. "My parents never married. They're strong as a unit but they live together. They have a relationship. I'm having a really hard fucking time of pointing out a set of parents who are doing this without having a completely fucked up kid." Arms wound around Rick without asking, Jason showing off his uncanny ability to fit against anyone when he felt the need to, and gave a soft whine of frustration before falling quiet again. "I'm glad you and Elliot are together. I like you. You aren't gonna be an asshole to him." Not like Marvel had been, cutting and running like he'd done. “That new guy, Dom? He doesn’t seem messed-up, and I’m pretty sure his folks aren’t together,” Rick pointed out. “And you’ll figure something. Stunt work pays pretty well, and there’re people in the industry here. Either way, we can work something out. You’re not doing this alone, you know, either of you. You’ve got way too many people who care about you to make you do it alone.” The proximity was a little unsettling, but Rick didn’t mention it. Jason needed the contact more than it bothered Rick. “You weren’t an asshole to him either,” he pointed out softly. “He wouldn’t still care about you if you were.” "Dom tried to bite me. I haven't exactly asked for his life story," Jason grumbled, pouting more than he should have been. He didn't comment on the mention of people in the industry--the Business, as it was referred to. He was pretty sure that the stunt work lifestyle was going to be off the table. At the mention of Elliot still caring, Jason tensed and released Rick quickly, sitting up. His eyes were wide though there was no guilt there. "We're still friends. That doesn't... I mean, that doesn't worry you, does it? Because there's nothing going on. I joked about the threesome but I wouldn't--I mean, that would fuck things up and I'm not some homewrecker." “Hey, hey, no, relax,” Rick said quickly. “I’m not worried about that sort of thing, Jay, I know you wouldn’t go there and I know Elliot wouldn’t. It’s good that you still care about each other. You’re close, and you probably always will be. That doesn’t mean I feel threatened or anything. I know the only way anything would happen is if all three of us wanted it and were okay with it.” Jason didn't move, didn't respond, for several seconds. Then something in his expression lightened and he fought to not grin. "Yeah. If all three wanted and were okay with it," he agreed. The teenager was moving again--always moving--and he flopped back down on the bed, on his back. "How do you know about poly, anyway? I mean, I know about polygamy but that's... a mormon thing, isn't it? I don't mean to sound ignorant, I just-- I mean, I..." Jason said and trailed off, his words failing again. "Regardless: thanks. This is helping. In some ways it makes me feel worse but mostly it's helping." “Polygamy’s a Mormon thing, yeah, and can be abused really easily. You have to be sure everyone knows what’s going on and where they stand, in a poly relationship.” Rick shrugged. “You don’t sound ignorant. When I figured I was gay, even though I didn’t figure I’d be doing anything for years, I wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing when it eventually happened. So I did a lot of reading. I got involved in some activism groups online, too, and some of the other members talked about their relationships being open or poly, so I researched that, too, to make sure I didn’t say anything stupid or offensive to them.” At least Jason had the decency to look sheepish. "Whereas I just hate research so my brain doesn't immediately jump to that idea." He fell quiet again. "Sorry. I'm probably keeping you from something. I talked to Elliot last night, by the way. His sleeping schedule is still shit. I wish I could get him to just relax a little. I say it time and time again that life's too short," Jason said and gave a sigh, lifting a hand to press his thumb against the bridge of his nose. "But you're okay? With the hand thing?" he asked, head turning to look at Rick from his still-horizontal position. “You’re not keeping me from anything,” Rick said, shaking his head. “You’re my friend, Jay. If I can help, I want to.” Because god knows E isn’t letting me help him. At the question, he looked down at his silver hand, flexing it a little, and shrugged. “It’s still got some issues, but it’s working a lot better than I thought it would. To be fair, I pretty much thought I was stuck with a prosthesis, so anything would be an improvement, but... Todd does amazing stuff. I just wish he could see that he didn’t have to be what his father wants him to be.” Jason smiled at the confirmation that Rick wanted to help. He still hadn't made a comment about Rick actively shortening his name; he wouldn't be the first to call him 'Jay' but the teen liked that Rick was comfortable enough to call him that. The smile faded, just a little, at the mention of Todd's father. "I have to admit, I don't understand a lot of the parent-issues that some of you guys have. I mean, I only have an outsider's knowledge. My parents never wanted me to be more than I could be. Sure, my mom would probably love it if I could be some sort of genius, get a PhD, settle down and be normal but at the end of the day, they're happy if I'm happy," Jason said softly. He looked at Rick again. "I'm sorry that not everyone has that luxury." Jason gave a bit of a shrug. "Which is why friends are so important. Screw what everyone else wants, do what you want to do. You're the only one that's gotta live your life." Funny how he couldn't quite take that same advice when it came to Bex. Rick let out a short chuckle, shaking his head, and remarked, “We’re all really good at not taking our own advice, you know? I keep saying Todd doesn’t have to be what his father wants him to be but God knows I have a fuckton of issues around what Reed expects. And here you are, telling me I have to live my life for me. The same goes for you, you know. Sure, you’ve got to think about what Bex and the baby need, but you’ve got to think about what you need too.” Jason brought his leg up and nudged Rick with his foot, scowling in mock annoyance. "Hey. You aren't allowed to turn that around on me. I'm being all sage and shit," he said. His gaze drifted up to the ceiling and he propped his head up on the arm he folded behind his head. "The problem with me is that I need--and want--to do the right thing. I just don't know how yet." He looked thoughtful, though. "Maybe it'll be easier, after graduation. I mean, yeah, I know we aren't all exactly model students and a lot of shit goes on here that probably shouldn't but there is still the stigma of being a student here. We're assigned dorms and roommates, for God's sake. Get a job, live in an apartment, act like an adult... maybe I'll meet someone not in our insular little community dating pool. Who knows, right?" “Give it some time,” Rick agreed. “It’s really hard to think about making the adult decisions when you’re still living a student’s life. Just... cut yourself a bit of slack, okay? You messed up, and the consequences are pretty big, but you’re not the first person to have an unplanned pregnancy happen, and you won’t be the last. And I know you. You’ll be there for the kid, and that’s what’s important. So try to relax a bit.” "I just feel bad," Jason admitted. "Like, I mean, I don't want to hover all over her. She's not the type to be coddled. But I gave her too much space and made her feel like I didn't care. It's a really fine line and I'm fucking it up." He closed his eyes, trying to order his thoughts a little better. "But you're right. It's not like we're breaking new ground here." He let out a laugh suddenly. "I got this E-mail from my dad. My mom attempted to learn how to crochet so she could make things for the baby. He said she gave up after an hour, threatened to stab him with her crochet hook when he laughed, and then spent the next four hours ordering things off of Etsy," Jason said and grinned. "At least she's over the being pissed part." Rick laughed. “I can’t imagine your mom crocheting,” he said. “She’s awesome, don’t get me wrong, but she’s not the sit-down-and-knit type. Ordering things off of Etsy is probably the safest thing for her and your dad.” Jason laughed again, feeling relieved that he even could laugh. It felt normal. "My mom is amazing but she is not Suzie Homemaker. Seriously. She tries, she really does, but it's like... tradition now. I once got a shoe thrown at my head for laughing at her attempt at Thanksgiving dinner. Now we do catered dinners," Jason said and grinned broadly. Few people could find the good in a memory like that--seriously, who was okay with a shoe being winged at their head? But Jason was abnormal and his upbringing had fit his lifestyle and the way he approached everything. The laughter died down but he still grinned, affectionately, at the memories. "I just want my kid to be able to look back and go 'yeah, my childhood wasn't considered normal but fuck my parents were awesome'... you know?" Jason said and looked at Rick again. "I know you have problems with your parents. But at least you have Ryan, right? It's not all bad memories." “Ryan’s great,” Rick said, nodding. “And... well, I wouldn’t take my parents as a prime example. They’re messed-up and I’m kind of messed-up, we really don’t mesh. What’s important is that there’s more good than bad, and I’m pretty sure you and Bex will be able to do that.” Jason gave a quiet sigh and nodded. “Yeah. I know we can. We’re too awesome to completely fuck it up. I hope,” he said and gave a weak smile. “Thanks, Rick. I... I really appreciate the talk. Really. Thanks.” |